Baby Steps

Alex gazed down at the wrinkled photograph in his right hand tightly and stuffed it restlessly into his pant jean pocket. He didn’t want to look at it right now and have to explain to Amelia why every time he caught a glimpse of the birthday scene in the photo he would choke. He stared at Jack’s retreating figure as well as the rest of his friends and Alex knew he had made an error. Not just with the fight with his best friends but with Alaska.

Seeing his son, Noah, clutching Jack’s hand in the photo while he sat on Alaska’s lap created a thunderous wave of jealously to flood through his body despite himself. He now realized that Jack was in love with Alaska and he couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to. Though Jack’s last statement brought a sense of relief to Alex. Alaska and Jack had never been intimate which eased Alex enough to bring him back crashing into the present.

Amelia was suspiciously quiet as she took his arm and placed it around her shoulders to hold his weight as she wrapped her own arm loosely around his waist. Alex didn’t realize how truly dizzy he felt until he began to step forward stumbling and almost lost his balance.

Amelia sighed heavily and shifted his body closer to her’s. They walked silently to the door as Amelia gripped the doorknob and turned it so she could maneuver Alex instead the house. They entered the threshold which lead them directly into the kitchen. The room was dim due to the fact that the sun was now setting over the horizon. There was just enough light so they could see properly.

“Sit” Amelia commanded, not harshly, but in a soft, tired voice.

Alex raised an eyebrow in her direction but she waved him off with a vigorous shake of the head pleading him to stay quiet a little longer. Alex complied by sitting on the stool he was previously sitting on in the morning when the guys arrived. The stool wobbled a bit as Alex situated himself on top of it.

Words kept dying in his throat as he looked upon his distressed girlfriend. He cared about Amelia. How could he not? They had spent so much time together, pretending to be enamored with one another. Alex knew everything about her. Her favorite color, her favorite food, all of pet peeves. But it didn’t matter. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that he did love Amelia it wouldn’t correspond with his mind.

Amelia searched through drawers until she found the first aid kit. She set it quietly on the table in front of Alex and began to fiddle through the small white box until she found the alcohol that would clean the cuts that had formed on his face when the rocks from the ground scratched him.

Amelia cleaned the dribbling crimson liquid from his face and bandaged up any areas that could get dangerously infected. She seemed to work slow in order to prolong the talk that was bound to happen at anytime. With each minute that passed Alex grew more nervous. He wondered if Amelia knew about Alaska, about Noah, about Jack. But how could she? Even he didn’t know before this chaotic situation.

Amelia eyed him levelly, “You can talk now.”

Alex released the breath that he had been holding and contemplated on what he should and should not tell Amelia. He knew that either way she would want to know the story. Alex and Jack rarely ever fought. They were too good of friends; and when they did it hardly lasted more than a few hours until they made up once again.

“What do you want to know?” Alex questioned rubbing his nose anxiously.

“Everything would be nice.” Her words were meant to be sarcastic but they came out weak and annoyed. Alex was a professional liar so the words rolled off his tongue easily.

“Jack thought I was hitting on this girl he liked–“

“You’re lying” Amelia interrupted, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly. Her entire face tightened with repressed anger. Alex swore lightly and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“You know you talk in your sleep sometimes.”She continued chirping with false happiness. Alex’s eyebrows furrowed together in bewilderment at the sudden change in subject.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Alex rubbed his temple with both his pointer fingers, “You know what? I don’t have time for this right now. I have a headache and I need to take a nap–“

He made a move to get up until he saw Amelia’s piercing cobalt eyes made him freeze. “I never said I was finished talking.” Her words were clipped and firm. Amelia could be strangely stubborn when she wanted to be and it always made Alex slightly afraid because Amelia was hardly ever angry with him; with anybody for that matter.

“Who is Alaska?” It was nearly enough to knock Alex off his seat but he kept his ground and his insufficiently created emotionless demeanor.

“I don’t know.”

Amelia’s eyes rolled in a circular motion, “Like I said you talk in your sleep. You’ve said her name a few times plus I heard some of the argument between you and the boys. They mentioned her name a couple times also. It doesn’t help that I know you better than you think. You’re truly a horrible liar.”

He knew she was right. He was good at masking emotions to strangers but when it came to people he was familiar with the walls he built up crumbled and he showed them his vulnerable side. Alex detested the fact that everyone seemed to know what he was thinking even though he tried to lie his way through it.

“How much of it did you hear?”

Amelia shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, “The entire thing.” He should have been angry with her but he was drained of dark emotion.

Alex snorted, “Then you know everything. I don’t have to tell you.”

“I always wondered you know. Why you never wanted a serious relationship. You always kept to yourself. You were never actually happy. You sulked all the time–“

“I did not!” Alex protested fiercely.

“Oh you did so! It’s because of her, isn’t it? The girl you just left with nothing?” Alex banged his fists on the table.

“Don’t you start on me either! I’ve had enough of people putting me down for something I did six years ago!”

Amelia gave him a sympathetic smile, “I’m not trying to give you a lecture, Alex. You need closure in your life. You can’t just keep living life like a zombie. It’s not healthy. How do you expect to move on if you won’t let yourself?”

But what if he didn’t want to move on? What if he wanted to take back everything he ever said to Alaska; to rewind life back to where his life ended where it could have began. He did need closure, badly.

“It’s too late to fix things don’t you think? I’ve ruined any kind of friendship with the guys and now I’m just screwed, literally.”

“So what? You’re just going to give up? Drag me down with you? I can’t just sit here everyday and act like everything is cheerful when clearly it’s not!” Amelia tried to persuade him.

Alex stood up, “That’s what this–“ He gestured between the two of them, “Is! We’re pretending. Don’t lie to yourself and say that you have real feelings for me because you don’t. I’m sorry I’ve been putting you down but there’s nothing I can do anymore!”

Amelia kissed her teeth making frustrated gestures with her hands while her nostrils flared like a fire breathing dragon.

“You’re right there. I don’t have those kinds of feelings for you but I do care about you. You’re my friend and friends don’t let their own friends become depressed.”

“What if I like being depressed?” Alex proposed unsophisticatedly. Amelia was sure that he was about to stick out his tongue at her like a undisciplined five-year-old. She vaguely felt sorry for the poor woman who raised Alex Gaskarth.

She groaned, “I can’t deal with this!”

“No one asked you too.” Amelia had enough. She could deal with a fake relationship, she could deal with the pressing violent media but she would not stand for disobedience from a twenty-three year old man.

“You know what? Go pack your bags.” Alex’s face morphed into one of exaggeration.

“Why?!” He responded incredulously with wide eyes, “You can't kick me out of my own house!”

Amelia scoffed, “I meant go pack your bags for the flight. We're going to pay Alaska a little visit.”