Baby Steps

“What am I doing here?” Alex repeatedly slowly. He wasn't answering to Alaska. The question seemed posed more to himself. What was he doing here? There were so many reasons that came to mind. First of all the only thought that even remotely comprehended in his mind when he found out that Noah was in the hospital was making sure that he was alright. But now that he was alright what did Alex say now? He knew that he wanted wholeheartedly to be apart of Noah's life. Seeing Noah up close made Alex's chest ache. Seeing the real life resemblance between father and son was astounding. He understood why Jack was so taken with Noah. His little boy was Alex's other half. The kid had his own DNA running through his veins for god sake's!

Amelia had convinced Alex to visit Alaska in the first place in Maryland to get some kind of closure. The word seemed foreign to him. Didn't closure mean cut all ties with the traumatic situation that caused you depression and move forward into your future? Closure usually felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off your shoulder and you were free to take whichever path you wanted in life without any remorse. Even considering leaving Noah and Alaska behind was nearly enough to choke on grief.

“What am I doing here?” He mumbled to himself, “There are a lot of answers to that question, Alaska.” This time his words were crystal clear and loud enough to be audible. This entire time Alaska and Alex's gaze never once detached themselves from seizing up one another.

Alaska wrapped her arms around herself and looked down, “I think it's clear that I've got a lot of time on my hands.” She then sat back down on the plain white crisp bed and motioned Alex to occupy the chair which the doctor had been sitting in merely ten minutes ago that stood across from her with a sharp jerk of the head.

Alex acknowledged that Alaska's deep black hair had grown from the last time they saw each other. It was now to her mid-stomach instead of to her shoulders. Her hair was curly compared to how she had usually worn it back when they went to high-school. She always wore it pin-straight.

He decided he liked it.

Alex cautiously stalked across the room and settled himself. “There's so much to say.” Alex said shakily inhaling.

“I guess I'm going to start with I'm so sorry.” Alaska simply nodded her head indicating that she had forgiven him. But Alex knew better. Her large luminous eyes always betrayed her emotions when they flickered. She was still uncertain about trusting Alex. He didn't blame her.

It was clear that Alaska wasn't going to say anything in this conversation until Alex had said what he needed to say. He gave her a small smile mentally thanking her and hoping the message registered to her.

“I know that's never going to be enough. I'm sorry? You're probably thinking to yourself is that all you've got to say?” He could distinctively hear her soft chuckle and let the left side of his mouth tip upwards slightly. Her laugh had lightened the mood.

“That's not enough words to describe how I'm feeling. Basically I was a jackass. When you told me you were pregnant I saw all my dreams going down the drain. At the time all I cared about was becoming famous. A somebody. But looked what it cost me--” He clamped his mouth shut when a wave of various emotions thundered through him. Alex intertwined his fingers together and leaned forward on his knees willing himself to continue. Alaska deserved an explanation.

“I lost you.” Alex stated quietly, “I never realized how much you meant to me until I was in LA for the first time. I waited to get your call but I knew it was a lost cause. What I asked for was selfish. How could someone ask that of someone else? How could someone ask the person they love to kill their child?” He watched as tears swam in her eyes and he knew that she was remembering the disagreement that had ended their relationship like it had happened yesterday.

“I can't believe I even suggested getting an abortion. Seeing Noah for the first time was like a truck running over me again and again. Now that I've seen him I can't imagine him not being there. He belongs in the world and because of me he might have never had the chance.” In his words they was so many raw emotions pouring through. Alex had never talked about this situation with any of his friends or with Amelia because he couldn't face the fact that he was wrong. But sitting across from Alaska right now all he wanted to do was show her that he now knew how wrong he had been.

“I'm so fucking grateful for Jack and the rest of the boys. When I first found out they had been talking to my child let alone you I felt betrayed,” He paused. “But now I'm glad that they took time out of their lives to help take care of my son when I couldn't. I was so scared. I know that's not realistically a good reason for my actions but it's the truth. It seemed like adding a baby into the equation would fuck every thing up. But look at you. You're happy. I know you are and you love Noah. I could have had that. I could have stayed with you and still do what I love without having to sacrifice anything.” Alaska whimpered and swiped at her eyes with her hands desperately wishing that the tears would push themselves back into her eyes. It was a definite that Alaska had not planned on having full-blown tears running down her round cheeks.

An unfamiliar stinging sensation began to accumulate behind Alex's eyes and he knew that if she didn't stop he'd cry too. He stepped in front of Alaska and hugged her to his chest. She immediately responding clutching at his torso. She sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. His t-shirt began to grow blotchy with her continuous tears but he couldn't have cared less as he stroked her back comfortingly. Having Alaska in his arms was indescribable. He felt overjoyed despite the circumstances.

“Wanna hear a funny story?” Alex proposed randomly after her sobs had quieted down. She lifted her head off of his chest and made a face while sniffing. “Sure?”

“My girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend now was the person who made me realize how absolutely stupid I was.” Alaska smirked at him through her tears, “Remind me to thank her.” She said softly.

They both chuckled quietly to themselves. “Noah always knew that Jack was not his real dad. He'd come home from school sometimes asking me if he had a daddy because his friends had them and he wondered why he didn't. I lied to him. For his own good. I didn't want him to know the truth. I wanted his memory of you to be a happy one. He knows about you. Not everything. He'd see you on TV and I could tell that he made the connection because you were all I watched. He's smart like that. That's why when you said he was your son he asked me what you were talking about. He wanted me to confirm it.”

“Good thing he got your smarts. He'd be doomed if he had mine.” Alaska rolled her eyes at him but gave him a small watery smile nonetheless.

After a couple moments it finally seemed to settle that she was still in his arms when she abruptly stepped away from him to put distance between one another. Alex knew that it was going to take more than a little heart to heart to get her to fully accept him but it still hurt. Bonding time had stopped and it was time for Alaska this time to get things off of her chest.

“I want to forgive you.” Alaska said finally, “But you can't just expect that because you apologized that it's suddenly going to make those six years go away. You just left, Alex. You left me alone with a child. With nothing. I was seventeen years old. I had dreams too but I stuck by Noah because I knew that what I was doing was right.” The conversation had done a complete one eighty. It was the moment of truth; time to get everything out in the open.

“I know that. And I wish I realized it then to. I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have thought rationally about my decision which clearly I didn't. I just acted on impulse.” Alaska shut her eyes tightly.

“I can't forgive you.” Alex's heart dropped, “Yet. Even then I don't think I could fully understand why you ran. The pain that you put me through was too much.” And just like that it felt somewhat fine again but he felt guilty that he had hurt her. At least there was still some hope.

“When did life get so fucked up?” Alex inquired tiredly.

“When we decided it was time to grow up.” Alex nodded in agreement.

“I want to prove to you that I've grown up. I'm not that same eighteen year old kid who ran away from his problems anymore. I want to be there for you and Noah.” He then added hastily, “That is if you don't mind.”

There was a heavy-weighted pause and then Alaska shook her head, “I'm so sorry.” Those three words caused his heart to finally break.