Baby Steps

Alex felt his heart drop from his chest and hit each rib on the way down towards the bottom pit of his stomach. He had built up an immense amount of hope simply because Alaska said she could forgive him in the future for the mistakes he's made that he didn't even consider the fact that she could forgive him but it wouldn't change anything. Alex couldn't pretend like this reunion never happened; he couldn't dismiss Noah and go back to his everyday life. The amount of emotions swarmed him like a colony of buzzing bees.

He choked back a sob, “I understand.” His voice was low and broke in several various places. He winced upon hearing how desperately saddened he sounded.

Alaska then raised her head to meet his watery gaze and her eyes widened in shock when she took in his crestfallen expression, “No, Alex! I didn't mean it like that! I was going to apologize that you've missed so much of Noah's life already.” Her words were sincere and it took all he had to resist the urge to kiss her lips and show her just how grateful he was.

Instead Alex inhaled in relief and swept Alaska up in his arms tightly twirling her around in circles while breathing 'thank you' repeatedly into her ear which made her body slightly quiver. Her laughter floated towards his ears and he couldn't keep the shit eating grin off of his face. Alaska pushed gently on his forearms signaling him to put her down on her own two feet. He froze thinking he had done something wrong when she smiled up at him showing all of her pearly white teeth.

“I wouldn't want you to miss out on anymore. I can tell that you're sorry. Do you think I didn't see the look you gave Noah twenty minutes ago? You already look at him like he's your entire world. In all honestly I wanted to say no. I wanted to be selfish; to put you through as much pain as you put me through but I can't. Noah needs his father and--” She took in a shaky breath, “I need him too.”

Alex put his hands on her shoulder not gently but not harshly either and eyes held a new determined spark to them, “I'm always going to be there for you and Noah. Always. I can't promise that I'm not going to get scared sometimes and want to run away but I'm going to try. I can't blame you for wanting to say no. I would've wanted the same thing. But thank you for being the bigger person.”

“I was always better at that than you.” She joked meekly laughing a little and then soon enough their mirth was loud enough to be heard from down the hallway.

“Can I ask you another question?” Alex inquired after things had settled down.

Alaska nodded, “Of course.”

“Was the only reason you didn't call was because you wanted to keep Noah?” Alex wanted to know the entire story about what happened after he left. He was still curious about whether or not Jack and Alaska had ever been together. Jack had told Alex that nothing happened but Alex had insecurities and the only way for them to disappear was for her to tell him that nothing has or ever will happen between her and his best friend.

Alaska's eyebrows furrowed together, “What do you mean?” He could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to comprehend what he was asking.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, “Did anything-- um, happen between you and … Jack?” Alaska stared Alex expressionlessly until she threw her head back and doubled over in laughter. Alex looked around the room looking for the cause of her laughter until he realized she was laughing at him.

He then narrowed his eyes, “What's so funny?” His lips formed into an almost dog pout.

Alaska straightened herself up and wiped the tears from her eyes while clutching her stomach which was bound to hurt from the hardcore laughing she had just endured.

“Are you crazy?” She let out another soft giggle, “After everything. That's what you're worried about?” Alex crossed his arms over his skinny torso self consciously. She wasn't giving him a straight up answer and it was starting to worry him. Was she stalling or trying to persuade the conversation to flow somewhere else?

“Just answer the question.” Alex whined biting his bottom lip, tearing off little pieces of skin.

Alaska looked baffled, “Nothing ever has happened between Jack and I. Ever. He's one of my best friends. He's like my older brother if anything. Plus in the times I was with him it sometimes hurt because it just reminded me of you. If I had actually dated him I would've been wondering if he was talking to you all the time.” She lifted her shoulders up delicately, “It wouldn't have been fair to him.”

Alex murmured a quick, “Thank god.” under his breath hoping she didn't hear but the secret smile that formed on her lips much like the one the famous 'Mona Lisa' wore changed his mind.

“But there was another reason why I never called.” Alex's ears perked up and he listened intently waiting for her to elaborate on this statement.

“I was ashamed.” Alaska pursed her lips, “The minute after you walked out of the door I called the abortion clinic.” Alex's body stood paralyzed.

Alaska breathed air through her nose before continuing, “I made the appointment and I went by myself. I had filled out the paper work and everything and I was sitting in the waiting room when I watched a lady walk in with her two kids. They sat beside me and I could hear her telling them stories about how someday they were going to see their dad in heaven. She told them that even if he wasn't there in person he would always be watching over them. And then I looked at myself and--” She paused trying to form the words, “I felt disgusted.” Her nose crinkled.

“This woman couldn't have been more than eighteen years old. She was practically my age with two kids. She looked dirt poor but she had the biggest smile on her face like she had just won the lottery. I felt so ashamed about going to get an abortion because I wanted my boyfriend back. This woman had nothing and I was going to throw about my baby because I was narcissistic. I was going to call you and tell you that I was going to get the abortion beforehand but then I couldn't do it when I ran out of the clinic and went home. I never got the abortion. I had the phone in my hand ready to call your number but what was I going to say? Come home I just had an epiphany while waiting for the doctor to suck out my baby?” She scratched her head helplessly as listened to Alex's labored breathing. His face was unreadable so she couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Finally he said, “I'm sorry.” And that was enough for her.

His face was screwed up in horror at what he had almost drove Alaska to do but she placed her hand on his arm and squeezed it. “I didn't tell you that to make you feel guilty. I told you because you asked why I never called.”

He sighed, “I know.” but it didn't make him feel any better.

Alaska stared at Alex while he mentally beat himself up. His eyes held so much pain. His hair was greasy as if he hadn't showered in hours. His clothes were wrinkled like he had slept in them twice. She didn't want to see him hurt even after everything they had been through together. An idea popped into her mind and she smirked.

“Why don't we go tell Noah he's got a dad?”

Alex's head snapped so fast Alaska was surprise he didn't get whiplash, “Really?” He whispered. She nodded and took his hand gently guiding him towards the door leading them out into the hallway where the doctor was sitting with Noah in one of the azure plastic chairs.

The doctor looked directly at Alaska and she smiled gratefully. “Thank you for watching him and checking to make he was alright.”

He chuckled, “Don't worry about it. It's my job. Noah needs to come in next week for another check up but I'm sure he'll be fine.”

“Thanks” Alaska repeated. He nodded towards Alex, waved at Alaska and Noah and left without saying another thing. Noah looked up questioningly at the joining of Alex and Alaska's hands. Alex was surprised when she didn't let go and simply squeezed his hand harder.

His heart was racing a million miles per hour and he felt as if he had just finished running a marathon. What was he going to say to Noah? How do you explain to a six year old that you're sorry for walking out on him?

“Go sit on the left side of him. I'll take the right.” Alex immediately let go of Alaska's hand and made himself comfortable on the left side of Noah just like she had instructed. His hands were clammy so he quickly wiped them off on his jeans. He hoped he didn't look as nervous as he felt but the way Noah was sizing up him he doubted it.

Alaska took Noah's right hand into her own, “Sweetheart, this is Alex.”

His face scrunched up in confusion, “I know, ma.”

She took a gulp of air, “What you don't know is that he's your daddy.” Alex held his breath waiting for his son's reaction. Noah turned to him with a giant smile on his face and jumped into his lap wrapping his arms around Alex's neck.

“I knew it!”