I Miss You

Dear Gerard,

I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. We’re in the same band, but you feel so far away these days. I’ve tried talking to you in person, but you never seem to have the time. So, we never talk. You just don’t have time for me. You can’t even look me in the eye anymore. I hate that. It kills me because I know that if we’d both been honest with eachother from the start, things could be different now…

Imagine if we never lied… Imagine if we never tried to be something we’re not. We forgot how it feels to be tight, to be close, to be real, and I miss you.

I loved you right from the start… from the first day I met you. Sounds cliché, I know, but the first time you looked me straight in the eyes, gave me a lopsided smile and introduced yourself, I knew. Every day I fell for you more and more. You really had me in the palm of your hand.

I don’t know when you started loving me, you never told me. All I know is that by the time that we finally confessed our feelings for eachother, it was too late. You were already with Lynz. And yes, I was with Jamia too, but I’d have left her in a heartbeat if you had shown any sign of wanting to be with me.

You never even considered leaving Lindsey, though. You chose to stay with her. You never justified your decision and I never questioned it. I just knew that you had made your choice and it wasn’t me. I never protested or begged you to be with me. I stopped speaking to you altogether, actually. I needed some time to myself to finally accept the fact that we weren’t going to be together.

A few months passed and we had no kind of contact whatsoever, which was what I needed to get over you. The band was on a break, and you made no attempt to get in touch with me, and that was for the best. I didn’t want to see your beautiful face or hear your sweet voice because it hurt too much; I was heartbroken.

But eventually, I started moving on from you. I was actually okay. There was still a massive void inside of me, but I was just about filling it with music, food and Jamia. Yes, that’s why I put on so much weight. Yes, that’s why I joined Leathermouth. And yes, that’s why I proposed to Jamia. I wanted to feel complete again.

But you couldn’t let me move on, could you? You just could not be happy for me when you got mine and Jamia’s wedding invitation in the post. The night after we sent it out you just showed up at our house in the early hours of the morning. Luckily, Jamia was staying at her sister’s house that night. It’s like you knew I was vulnerable and alone...

Jamia never found out what happened that night and I hope she never does. I don’t know if you can even remember what happened, because you were a drunken mess, and you’ve never made any indication that you remember it. We never speak anymore, let alone about that night. But I will never forget what happened. Just in case you don’t remember, I’ll tell you…

You told me I was making a mistake in marrying Jamia; you had the fucking nerve to tell me that I was rushing into it. You’re such a hypocrite! You fucking married Lynz after being with her for FOUR weeks! Sometimes I think you only did that to hurt me… You knew how badly I wanted you, and you told me you wanted me too, but then you fucking threw it all back in my face by marrying her! Did I really deserve that?

So, after you told me I was making a mistake, I got angry at you. Can you blame me?

“Fuck you, Gerard!” I remember saying. “I’ll do what I want.” I tried to be strong. I was prepared to go to fucking war with you.
And then you kissed me.

You just stepped forward and pressed your lips to mine, kissing me fiercely, and any remaining strength inside of me disappeared with one fragile heartbeat. I suddenly felt complete again. After all those months I’d spent trying to fill the void with all that other stuff, and to no avail, you come back and make me whole again with one fucking kiss. How do you do it? How do you make me fall for you so quickly, so easily, and so hard?

But as suddenly as you had started kissing me, you stopped. You stepped back and you looked me straight in the eye and said “I thought you wanted me.” It was like you were fucking hypnotising me. I couldn’t deny your eyes. I was under your spell once more.

“I do,” I replied foolishly, telling you what you wanted to hear at that moment in time. “I’ve always wanted you, Gee.”

You took that as your cue to kiss me again. I didn’t object, of course. I let you have your way with me. I let you use me. I let you take me for a fool. The kiss led to a lot more… You took me by the hand straight upstairs to the bedroom. I went blindly... So blinded by my fucking love for you.

I kissed you passionately on mine and Jamia’s bed, betraying my girlfriend in the worst possible way and not even caring. All I cared about was you. I was deluded in thinking that you cared about me too.

As we made love, the sound of heavy breathing and moaning filled the bedroom, and I just loved hearing you make those angelic sounds. It was our first and only time having sex and I was just amazed at how perfect it was. It seemed so right. The physical connection was amazing. You hit that sweet spot inside of me with every single thrust of your hips, making my eyes roll back into my head.

I never wanted it to end, but when it did, I was on fucking cloud nine. I’ve never felt pleasure so intense in my life. Trust you to be the only one that can make me feel that good...

“I love you, Frankie,” you whispered in my ear, collapsing on the bed beside me. I snuggled up to your chest and you put your arm around me.
“I love you too,” I breathed contently.
We soon fell asleep like that, wrapped in eachother’s arms.

Why couldn't it have stayed like that?

By the morning, you were gone. I don’t know when you left; I was fast asleep dreaming about life with you. All I know is that when I woke up, I was alone and broken again.

I thought you wanted to be with me, and that’s why you came round… But that was wishful thinking on my part. It turns out you were just looking for a drunken fuck because Lynz was out of town. That’s right, isn’t it? I realised that when Mikey told me Lynz had gone away for a few days. I felt so fucking used and rejected.

Seeing you that night really ruined everything. It made all the feelings for you that I’d tried to forget and bury deep down inside of me come straight back to the surface, shattering the pieces of my poorly-mended heart in the process.

I think that’s what you wanted. You wanted to destroy my happiness, didn’t you? You couldn’t bear the idea of me moving on from you. But why? Why did you ruin my chances? It’s not like you wanted me to be with you… You just didn’t want me to be with anyone else. And that’s not fair! Now I have no one…

You know that I left Jamia a few months ago, after that night I spent with you, but did you know that the reason why was because I couldn’t face her, knowing what I’d done with you? Did you know it’s your fault? I couldn’t fucking look her in the eye anymore; I was so ridden with guilt. I broke her heart, just like you broke mine.

Me and Jamia could have been happy together. Sure, she would never have compared to you, but at least I’d have someone... Who the fuck do I have to love now?

You’ve moved on from me. You have your own life now, with Lynz and your new baby daughter. Everything’s changed, including you.

You’re caught up in your plastic life, changing right before my eyes; a chameleon, I used to know you like the back of my mind. Did that part of you die?

You’re no longer the Gerard I fell in love with, yet I still love you and I can’t get over you. My life is a fucking dead-end, because you don’t feel the same way.

It’s like you’ve completely erased any feelings you had for me. You just act like nothing ever happened between us… We’re barely even friends now. We’re nothing more than bandmates. And I can’t handle it. I’ve had enough.

I have no reason to live if I can’t have you. And you’ve made it clear that I can’t. You are constantly dropping hints about how fucking happy you are, and how perfect your life is. Well, congratulations. I hope you have a fantastic life without me.

I didn’t want to leave things this way between us, but since you avoid me now like the plague, I don’t have much choice. So, yeah. I’m sorry things turned out like this. But I guess it’s true what they say… Too much lovewill kill you.

Goodbye, Gerard.
xoxo

The tears rolled down Gerard’s face as he traced his fingers over his best friend’s words, reading his letter for the millionth time.

“W-why did you do this, Frankie?” He sobbed, the endless tears trailing down his cheeks and falling onto the page, smudging Frank’s writing. The answer was in the letter in Gerard’s hands, but still, he couldn’t believe it.

Today was the day of Frank’s funeral and he still couldn’t get his head round the fact that he had lost him forever. When Gerard woke up last Monday morning to find a letter from Frank in his letterbox, he wasn’t that surprised. He knew that him and Frank had drifted apart more than ever recently, and they really needed to talk, but Gerard had been putting it off for so long.

He was scared of his feelings for Frank; he knew it wasn’t right for him to be in love with Frank, because he had a wife and a baby girl. They needed him more than Frank. Or so Gerard thought…

He never imagined that things would turn out like this. He was definitely not expecting to find what Frank had written. The words seemed foreign the first few times Gerard read it because he was so shocked. He didn’t realise Frank felt so rejected, alone and heart-broken. Gerard never even stopped to think how much he was hurting Frank when he was moving on with his new life, pretending to be happy.

It was never his plan to destroy Frank's happiness. Yes, he was selfish and he couldn't bear the thought of Frank being with someone else, but he didn't want to ruin Frank's life like that. He just wanted to feel wanted by Frank again. The night they spent together definitely meant more than a drunken fuck to Gerard. If only Gerard had explained to Frank that it meant everything... He just had other responsibilities now that he was a husband and a father.

After Gerard read the letter enough times that it actually started making sense, he started panicking. He drove straight to Frank’s house to find him, praying that he wasn’t too late to stop Frank doing something stupid.

But he was too late. Frank had already put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. He was gone and he was never coming back. I wish you were here.

“I miss you, Frankie,” Gerard choked, closing his eyes and picturing Frank standing before him. “I’m so sorry.”

I miss you like you never knew.