But We Know It's Just a Lie

As I began to process and understand what I had just done, I questioned how necessary it was. Did a whole friendship really have to be dissolved because I could not have what I wanted? Of course, the answer was no. If I had truly wanted to, I could still be friends with Brandon and ignore my feelings otherwise for him, and let him be happy with his future wife, but I was not ready to deal with it, I guess.

Over the next few weeks, I disconnected myself from everything. I needed to be left alone. I needed to deal with what I had inflicted upon myself—alone. The only thing that worried me was if Brandon was okay. I knew he was, but I just hoped he was not overly upset about the situation. After all, he would be married in a matter of days now. I doubted highly my ability to fuck that up for him.
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I woke up to the unexpected sound of my doorbell ringing. Since no one had come over here in a while, no one really ever did show up unannounced though; I stood up, got out of bed, threw a robe on over my pajamas, and headed toward the door. My eyes widened in shock. Brandon stood in front of me, looking tired and rather unhappy. The gleam in his eyes was no longer there, instead his eyes were dull, which suggested something was bothering him deeply.

“Did you think I was going to forget you, Alexandria?” I winced at hearing him use my full name. “Were you thinking I’d be happier the next time you saw me, after that lovely message I got from you?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled in response.

“Why the fuck can’t we be friends anymore? I didn’t do anything to you, I never said it was what I needed, and I definitely never said I didn’t want to be friends with you anymore. You apparently shut your phone off to avoid this, but it’s been long enough. It’s about time you told me why we can’t talk to each other anymore,” Brandon demanded. I thought about shutting the door, I was not ready for this and never would be, but I did owe him an explanation.

“You shouldn’t be here right now. Aren’t you getting married tomorrow?”

“I’m not here to discuss that,” he said flatly. The tone in his voice suggested that I should further inquire about the subject, but I also knew him. I would not get anything out of him until I gave him what he wanted in return.

“I’m only trying to make things easier for you,” I replied.

“That makes no sense.”

“Yes, it does,” I tried to reason. I knew it made no sense whatsoever, but I was not going to admit it. I hated it when he was mad at me, and he was truthfully mad at me, and I could tell I was not helping myself out with this. I would be stupid to tell the truth, though.

“You seem to forget that I know when you’re lying to me. Why don’t you just make thing easier for the both of us? Tell the truth, and for once in your life, stop avoiding confrontation,” he spat. I bit my lip in order to hold back the tears which now stung at my grey-blue eyes. I tasted the blood in my mouth from where I had bit down too hard.

“The truth is that I love you, Brandon. I know you don’t feel the same about me, and I’d really like it if you let me move on with my life now that you know why I can’t see you anymore,” I said bitterly. Before he could react or respond in any way, I slammed the door shut and locked it. I heard him pounding on the door, but I ignored it as I went back to my room.

Once I was in my room, I violently cried into my pillow as if someone had just run over my dog. I knew Brandon would eventually get sick of what he was doing, he was determined, but he was not that determined. He got what he came here for; I owed him no more and no less. He knew why I could no longer see him, that was all he wanted, right? It was not my problem if he did not like my reasoning; it was not going to change.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of small rocks hitting my window. Making sure I would not be hit with some of them, I walked over to my window and unsurprisingly, I saw Brandon in my backyard with a handful of stones. I opened the window slowly, not wanting him to see my like this. I was aware of the tears still streaming down my cheeks, and the blood that had dried just below my lower lip from where I had bit it earlier.

“You’re paying for my window if you break it,” I said forcing my voice to stay steady and not crack.

“Can’t you just let me in then?” Brandon asked smiling slightly. However, the smile did not reach his eyes which suggested that he was nervous or insincere.

“Nope.”

“I need to talk to you, Alex.”

“You got what you wanted. Take it and as I said, let me move on. If I ever meant anything to you, you would go and be happy.”

“You can’t ask me to do that, Alex. Please, just let me in so we can talk.” His eyes were pleading with me to allow him this last chance, and although I did not want to hear his reaction to what I had said, I never could deny him anything.

“Fine.” I shut my window, and I walked to the front of the house to unlock the door. I opened it, and I stood in the doorway and waited for Brandon. I was taken aback as before I could even say anything to him, he pressed his soft lips to mine, put his arms around my waist, and directed me in my own house, shutting the door with his foot behind him.

“I’m not going to be your other woman, Brandon,” I said once he pulled away from me. No matter how much I loved him, I could not do that. Not because I did not want to hurt his fiancé, but because I could never be second best in his life. I could never be his dirty little secret while he presented this lovely façade to everyone else.

“I’m not asking you to, Alex. She decided she wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment to me. I tried to call you and tell you, but I couldn’t get to you,” he explained. The life and light that made his eyes so beautiful had returned.

“I don’t want you to be with me because you think you have to be. Just because I said I love you doesn’t mean—”

“I do feel the same way about you, though. Don’t you get why I was so upset before? I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing you or talking to you anymore,” he replied. He wiped the tears from my eyes with his thumb while smiling. “Don’t tell me you need to move on, Alex. Give us a chance.”

“I’d do anything for you,” I said, kissing him softly on the lips.