You've Made Your Bed

“Matt”

“Josh”

Things in the house had been awkward for the past couple of weeks. No one was speaking any more unless it was completely necessary – which basically meant any interviews that needed doing. They couldn’t bare to be around one another, everything had been so perfect before Lauren came along. When she was here everyone was happy – things may have gone rocky but they were still great. Then she died. She killed herself and left everyone in a wreck. She was selfish. That was the only word the five friends could think of to describe her.
She ruined them.

“We need to talk” Josh finally said, the other three boys looked up from what they were doing to see Matt and Josh talking up the table. They knew that one of them would finally crack and try and sort things out.

“We do” Matt agreed, he closed his laptop and folded his hands on top of it. Max, Chris and Dan stood from the sofas and walked over to the kitchen table. Dan was glad he wasn’t with Charlie on this particular day – he didn’t want to miss a conversation as serious as this. Him and Charlie had gotten back together after many sleepless nights of crying. He loved her and couldn’t stop the way he felt towards her.

“Right. I think we should start by saying what we did sexually with her” Chris suggested, everyone nodded. They needed to know what they’d have to get through.

“We obviously had sex” Josh shrugged, everyone nodded.

“Sex” Max and Matt chanted, once again the men around the table nodded.

“I kissed her when we were drunk” Dan said, everyone turned to him with a frown, “It was a dare! Sean dared me to kiss her, it wasn’t like a tongue fuck kiss, it was just an innocent peck”. Everyone oohed and then turned to Chris.

“Nothing” Chris smirked, he was proud he was the only one that hadn’t done anything with Lauren.

“How do you feel about her?” Chris asked. It seemed he was going to be leading the conversation.

“I love her” Josh choked out, he didn’t realise how much it would still hurt to say those words.

“I’m in love with her” Max whispered. Josh and Matt turned to one another with a sour expression. Matt was annoyed with Max – he hardly knew the real Lauren, the real Lauren wasn’t as innocent as she came across when she was around Max, she was more daring at fun then he thought.

“I can’t fucking believe you” Josh growled, Max frowned and stood up with his hands held out in defence, “Don’t even bother trying to defend yourself Max, you act as if you knew her better then us all, you act as if what you two had was more then all of us had with her”

“That’s because what we had was more then you had with her Josh”

“How so?” Josh shouted, he was losing his patience quickly with Max.

“Well, for a start I never che-”

“If you fucking bring that up again Max, I will kill you” Josh screamed, he jumped up from the table and grabbed Max throwing him into the wall, “IT’S NOT FAIR! YOU THINK I’M NOT HURTING MAX? I’M FUCKING BREAKING TO PIECES ON THE INSIDE, IT’S MY FAULT AND I KNOW IT IS! I FUCKED IT UP AND I’M DEALING WITH THAT OKAY?”. Josh was sobbing now, his body vibrating with every sniffle.

Max didn’t know whether hugging Josh was the best option right now, he could either be hugged back or punched. Hard. He stared at Josh’s collapsing body and frowned, Josh needed him – he couldn’t be selfish and get scared over a punch, he had to be there for Josh even though he hadn’t been there for the older boy. “It’s okay” Max whispered leaning down to wrap his arms around Josh.

Josh was shocked at first but instantly relaxed into Max, stealing his body heat. His sobs were coming harder and faster but Max didn’t care, he just held on tightly to the other boy while the other three watched on in amazement. It’s hard to believe a couple of minutes ago they were at one another’s throats. “I’m sorry” Josh whimpered, as much as he screamed and threw insults at the other boy, he needed him, he wanted him.

“It’s okay Joshie” Max cooed, he couldn’t believe how gay he sounded right now.

“Joshie?” Josh chuckled lightly; Max smiled knowing he’d succeeded in cheering the other boy up slightly. That was quite an achievement as usually once Josh was upset there was no cheering him up.

Josh stood up from the ground slowly, his arms still gripping tightly to Max, he wasn’t going to let Max go for anyone. He needed to just show the guys how much he appreciated and loved them before it was too late.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, he’d noticed Josh’s shifty eyes and thoughtful expression, Josh nodded quickly bringing suspicion amongst himself, “You seem really offish”.

“I’m fine Dan” Josh nodded, he cracked his knuckles and then shifted his eyes towards the large grandfather clock, 6:27pm. Lauren would be dead for a month at 7pm. He had to move fast. “I’m tired, I’m going to sleep” Josh smiled, the guys bobbed their heads and came forwards to give Josh a small ‘bro’ hug.

“Night” The guys smiled, they didn’t know what was going on.

“Love you guys” Josh choked out. He had disgusted it well and decided to cough over his words; instead of making it seem like he was about to burst into tears, he’d made it seem like he was embarrassed at his words.

He paced up the stairs quickly, he reached his bedroom door and flung the door open. His eyes flickered up at the clock, 6:29pm he had 31 minutes to do it. He had one attempt to get it right and he couldn’t fuck it up, he couldn’t risk fucking it up.

“There’s something wrong with him” Max frowned, the guys were huddled around the table discussing Josh’s previous actions. It just didn’t sit right with any of them yet they were still making excuses.

“He said he didn’t appreciate us enough a couple of days ago, that may be why he said it” Chris shrugged, he wasn’t so worried, he trusted Josh to look after himself and refrain from doing something completely stupid. Max however didn’t. He knew what Josh had done on many occasions. He’d hurt himself. Whether it was the occasional cut, burn or bruise he still done it and in this state who knew what he was capable of.

“No you guys don’t understand!” Max begged. He was the only one that knew of Josh’s problems and until now he’d not shared them with anyone. He’d promised Josh, but due to the circumstances he was no longer going to keep this a secret.

“Understand what?” Dan questioned, he like the other guys gathered around the table had a frown on his face.

“Josh self harms” Max blurted out, their faces dropped quickly and panic soon flashed in their eyes, “I didn’t tell you because I promised him I wouldn’t. But I can’t keep it a secret anymore”.

“What’re we going to do then?” Matt sighed, he was completely out of ideas. He didn’t know how to confront someone about a problem such as self harming, he’d spoken to Lauren about serious subjects before but that usually involved alcohol and drugs which she’d had professional help for too.

“I’m not sure” Chris admitted, the room fell silent as everyone decided in their head a plan to confront Josh.

“I think we should just come out and say it” Dan suggested, the guys nodded, it was the only way they were going to get things sorted fast, “We’ll just go upstairs and be like ‘Josh we’re worried about you. All of us. We’re scared you’re going to do something stupid that you’ll never be able to take back’”. Everyone nodded at Dan’s words, that was basically all they could say, they couldn’t force him into a straight jacket and tell him he was insane.

“What time is it?” Max asked, “How long’s he been upstairs?”.

“It’s 6:58 he went up at about 6:29?” Matt shrugged.

“We should go up now before we chicken out or forget what to say” Chris mumbled, they all stood from their chairs and pushed them in cringing at the screeching sound of chairs dragging along the floor.

They ascended the stairs, and huddled together once they reached the landing. They rehearsed the words between them deciding who was to say what.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong.

The grandfather clock alerted them that It was nearly 7pm, the guys hadn’t registered it was nearly a month since Lauren had died. In his room Josh was getting reading counting down the seconds till he was going to sort everything out once and for all.

Dong.

Bang.