Therapist.

“Ryan?”

“Ryan?” The boy on the couch slowly lifted his head to look at the woman in front of him. She had short sandy blonde hair that curled under her ears; she reminded him of his mom which hurt to think about. “I asked how does their relationship make you feel?”

“Lonely.” The word tasted like poison in his mouth. He never wanted to taste it again.

“Why?” Her simple questions were starting to annoy him. He couldn’t just flat out say why; it was so much more complicated than that.

“Because for five years it was me and him and no one else. For five years we were committed to each other. And now he’s gone.” Ryan felt empty; he couldn’t even feel his heart beating, yet every time he brought something up it stung.

“I thought you were the one that broke it off?”

“I was!” Ryan nearly yelled at the woman. He looked back down at his hands and whispered, “I was.”

“Well if you loved him so much why did you leave?” Her glasses were sliding down the bridge of her nose and it annoyed Ryan that she wasn’t pushing them up. Her tiny eyes seemed like they were judging everything he said.

“It was a mutual decision.” Ryan’s eyes shifted between the clipboard lying in her lap and the cat lover pillow sitting next to her.

She hummed something and he could hear the sound of her scratching a pen against the board. “Are you lying?”

He sighed. “I cheated on him. I didn’t want to. It just happened. I mean, I loved him, you know?” He looked up with tears brimming his eyes. “I never would have intentionally hurt him.”

“How did it happen?” Ryan’s eyebrows knitted together so she elaborated “The cheating.”

Ryan clasped his hands together. “I don’t want to talk about that.” He could hear that damn pen go across the board again. He rubbed his shirt sleeve across his eyes causing them to get irritated and burn.

She nodded her head a few times before looking up suddenly, “When is his wedding?”
Ryan uncrossed his bony legs and looked dead at her. “Tomorrow.” Her mouth parted to form a small o.

“Were you invited?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going?”

Ryan didn’t say a word. His first thought was no, but he hadn’t decided yet. He hadn’t talked to Brendon since they ran into each other a few months back and he wasn’t sure if it would be right for him to go.

“I’ll take that as a no.” That didn’t really bother Ryan so he let her continue. “How long after you two split did he meet this girl?”

“He knew her before we broke up.”

“Do you think he cheated?” Her assumption engulfed Ryan in a fit of rage.

“No, he didn’t cheat! I was the one who cheated! Brendon would never do that. They were just friends. I’m sure of it.” He crossed his legs back and pulled them up in the couch with him. He rested his arm on his knee and began to bite his nails. “I was the cheater.” He mumbled with a finger in his mouth.

“So would you three spend time together?”

Ryan laughed dryly. “Yeah right. She was such a bitch.” Ryan looked up apologetically “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ve heard worse.” She smiled politely. “So, did they spend a lot of time alone together?”

Ryan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Not if I could stop it. But she was always there. It’s sad really. Like some kind of lost puppy.” Ryan mused.

“But when you couldn’t stop it? They must have gotten pretty close to be getting married tomorrow.” Ryan didn’t say anything back to her or even look up. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about when you cheated?” He nodded. “You don’t think it would help?”

“No.” he said under his breath. “That is in the past. I can’t change it.”

“But you could possibly feel better about it.” She was trying to dig deeper into the situation and Ryan could tell.

“How could I ever feel better about ruining my life? I knew I should’ve never come here.” He stood up quickly and grabbed his jacket on the way out.

“Ryan, wait! I was only trying to help trust me. Please sit down. I want to help.” Her voice sounding pleading, he looked over his shoulder and the look on her face broke him. He made his way back to the couch but kept his jacket on. “Thank you.”

He stared intently at the pattern in the carpet. “It was one night when Brendon was with Sarah. She had wanted him to go with her to some fashion show, I don’t know. He didn’t even tell me he was going, I found out from someone else. I was mad so I called a friend to see if he wanted to go out and well…when this guy started flirting with me at the bar I flirted back.” Ryan looked up at the therapist who was starting back.

“Do you feel better?”

“No. I still feel the same way I did when Brendon came home and found me in bed with another man.” His voice was low and the woman had to strain to hear him. “He stayed with Sarah that night. I wouldn’t be surprised if he fucked her then proposed.”

She wrote something down then flipped through the pages of notes she had taken. She tapped the pen on her lip and hummed some melody. “Sounds like to me there’s only one thing for you to do.”

“Oh yeah, and what’s that?

“Talk to Brendon. Tell him everything you just told me. Let him know that you still love him.” Her voice was compassionate but Ryan wasn’t buying it.

“What good will it do? The wedding is tomorrow for Christ’s sake. It isn’t like he is going to call it off because I came running back. It’s pointless now.” Ryan shook his head and threw against the back of the couch.

“You would be surprised at how many weddings are called off because of another lover coming back into the picture. Don’t give up that easy, Ryan. Just try.”

He lifted his head back up and looked at her strangely. She was smiling at him, trying to be encouraging.

“Thanks.” Ryan mumbled before he pushed off of the couch for a second time and headed towards the door. He wandered through the hall and went down the large stairs he had come up.

When he reached outside it was still raining. He walked along the side of a building until he met up with the corner. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and took one deep breath while it rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Are you busy?”