I Believe That You Belong to Me

Sometimes it’s better to be kept in the dark. Sometimes you really don’t need to search for the light. Sometimes it really is better to be ignorant. Sometimes, a lot of the time, ignorance truly is bliss.

I learned that the hard way and I must be a fool, because I’ve learned and relearned that twice now. Both times I couldn't go back and stop myself; both times I’ve just had to wallow in my own misery.

I suppose my mother is right…I am stupid.

The first time the beast sunk his sharp teeth into my skin, my world went pitch and I wasn’t able to come out of the haze until hours later. The second time, this time, however, that wasn't the case.

Everything went dark, much like it had before, but I was aware of the dark. I was so very much aware of the dark: I tried everything in my mental power to search for light. I looked around my mind for what felt like forever until I came across a golden hue.

Swiftly I ran to the shine afraid that it would disappear if I lingered, afraid that it was the only chance I had to get out of this stygian world…

That was a mistake

The light isn’t always good. I should have remembered that, but I didn’t and it was too late to turn away.

The light wasn’t a light at all, but instead the growing box of secrets I've forced myself to forget. I tried to run, I wanted to run, I didn’t want to see anything in that box, I didn’t want to remember, but the same mental chains I use to lock the box away were now holding me in place.

The box spewed open

I wanted to look away, but the shackles would not let me, I wanted to close my eyes, but I was in my own mind, and I couldn't just shut it off. So the first memory was thrust upon me...

A small girl with eyes the color of the sun, runs around a dark house calling for her mother.

“Mommy!? Mommy!?” she cries even though she knows the woman will not answer to the name, but being that she is only five, she doesn’t know what else to call her by.

The small child searches all around the big and dark house, not finding her mother in either of the rooms she’s allowed in.

The raven haired girl knows she shouldn’t do it, but she’d been stuck in the house all day with no one to play with her. Her father was at work and her mother paid her no mind. So she disobeyed her mother. She pulled herself up the stairs and walked straight to her mother’s own personal “study” room. The little girl grew excited, she could see the light shine through the edges of the door and therefore she knew her mother was inside.

“Mommy!?” She called again, and still she received no answer.

It wasn’t silent though, the small child heard noises. Noises she’d never heard before. Noises that made her believe her mother was in pain, noises that made her believe someone was hurting her mother. Because of her alarm the little girl burst in through the room door with the intent to help her mother, but what she saw caused her to freeze.

She saw her naked uncle on top of her naked mother and they were doing things her adolescent mind could not understand.

“Stop it!!!” she yelled regaining the ability to speak. “Don’t hurt her!!! Stop!!!”

Upon hearing her screams, the two adults did stop, finally realizing they were no longer alone.

Her Uncle pulled off her mother smirking while her mother laughed. Neither of them making any moves to cover themselves.

“Mommy…?” She asked hoping that her mother was ok and that her dad’s brother hadn’t done anything to hurt her.

“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Little Kaiju*, you know you aren’t supposed to be in here,” Her mother said, getting out of the bed and pulling on her uncle’s t-shirt.

“I-I k-know, b-but h-he-he was hurting you!!!” The child yelled, tears from her fear now streaming down her face.

Her mother laughed again shaking her head, not being able to believe how stupid her daughter was. Her Uncle soon joined in. The little girl not understanding tried to dry her tears, but more continued to fall and this only made the two adults laugh more.

“Come here Kai,” Her uncle chorused. She didn’t budge. Her uncle was naked and though her mother taught her nothing, her father did instill the right values into her. Though she could not understand much of what was happening, she knew that sitting in the lap of a naked man was wrong.

“Kai, I said come here,” He repeated no longer using his previously soft tone.

The girl again did not move and this earned her a slap from her mother.

“If you disobey, I’ll be sure to tell your father and he won’t love you anymore,” Her mother said.

The small child may have wanted love from her mother, but even at the age of five she knew she wasn’t going to get it, at least not yet. She knew all she had was her father and according to her mother as long as she did what she was told, he would always love her. She feared losing her father’s love so she heeded her uncle’s call.

The big eyed man pulled the child onto his lap the moment she was in his reach. She froze not at all comfortable in his hold or with what she felt pressing up against her bottom.

“Now Kai, I want to let you know, that I’d never hurt your mother. I love her very much and sometimes you have to show people how much you love them.”

“Th-that’s how you do that?” She asked trying to the best of her ability not to move.

“Yes, and I want to show you how much I love you too,” He said grinning, the little girl shook her head and told him, he didn’t have too, because she already knew, he ignored her comment and her mother laughed.

The memory kept playing. Even as I tried to stop it, to block it, it kept playing. I saw him touching me, kissing me, touching himself, making me…and then I saw her in the background laughing. She laughed so hard tears fell from her eyes and then I saw her stop. I remember thinking that at that moment she was going to save me, that she was going to stop him from hurting me…but she only stopped to tell me if I told my father…that if I told my father…he wouldn’t love me anymore.

So I said nothing, for years I obeyed her and let him do whatever he wanted to me, with me, because I was scared that my father would think I was disgusting and then hate me.

I’m still afraid

But thankfully the night of my thirteenth birthday, the very night that he planned to take everything from me, my dad caught the two of them in bed together. After that my dad moved us to San Francisco and six months later, he and my mother were officially divorced.

The memories kept playing back to back up until my most recent memory. Allowing me to see just how filthy and unworthy of my father’s love and of Edward’s care I was.

The box shattered and I shot up in my bed. Breathing hard and coated in sweat I looked around my room praying that the beast was gone. A small sigh of relief escaped when I found that he was.

Reliving all my memories caused my whole body to ache. I was already in pain from the beast's first attack and then being bitten all over again, but the wounds felt fresh, too fresh.

It hurt to, but I had to cleanse my body. By now I knew that I would never feel clean and that I would always feel like dirt, but the water did help a bit. So I pushed myself out of my bed and into my bathroom and scrubbed my already sore skin raw.

I inspected my neck again, after my shower and saw that nothing had changed. It hurt even more and felt even colder, but there weren’t any visible marks that I could see. Still, I let my hair down after I’d dressed. I still didn’t know if vampire bites were only visible to vampires and Edward could show up at any given moment.

I left my room not wanting to remember my nightmare. When I left my room I did intend to go to my dad’s office, because it has recently become my favorite place to be, but I did not expect to find him in it. I could hear my dad humming some old song to himself and I fought with everything I had to not run into his office and have him deem me a crazy person…but I couldn’t.

As soon as I heard the familiar tune of “Outstanding” my feet swiftly pulled me in that direction, my aching body no longer mattered. The only thing that did matter was that my dad was home and awake. I pushed open the door, jumped into his lap, and wrapped my arms around him tighter than I ever have.

He didn’t say anything, I was too busying sobbing I wouldn’t have heard him anyway, but he too wrapped his arms around me and he let me sit there and cry on him.

“You missed me that much eh?” He finally said, wiping away the last of my tears.

I nodded my head never once releasing my hold on him.

“I miss you too, Taiyou*.” I was so happy that he was home and that he didn’t push me away that I didn’t even cringe at his nickname like I usually did. I just fell asleep in his arms with a huge smile on my face.