Ink

You weren't breathing. There was no pulse.

My heart beat for you, and yet that still wasn't enough. It never was. Never had been. Now it was too late to be with you.

"I love you; Tomi." I sobbed as I looked into your eyes. And I realised how long it had been since I had seen YOU –the real you- looking back at me. I saw you drifting away from me and I held you tighter. It didn't matter that we were wet and covered in your blood, all that mattered is that you had warned me you would leave me on day; but I never believed you until it was too late.

The blood dripped down the side of the bath from hacked-at wounds, and I moaned; staring finally at the secret. The secret you had kept from me for almost three months; the one that was your only salvation and the one thing I never suspected.

*FLASHBACK*

“Shit,” Tom winced as he sat down on the couch, careful not to brush his sore forearm where it ached the most. He’d just returned from the tattoo parlor, having had finishing touchups put on his first and only tattoo.

Tom carefully checked around the house to see if it was empty. His parents were out and Bill was holed up in his room; writing something for the band. He sighed; wishing he could tell his brother what was going on but no one was to know about this tattoo. It was his little secret.

“Tomi?” Bill asked; walking into the living room. His hair was tousled and his eyes tired as he rubbed at his amber eyes. “Where were you all day?”

“With Andreas,” Tom shrugged; making room for Bill. The younger twin snuggled up tight; and the dreadhead winced as Bill nudged his arm. “We went to the movies.”

Bill giggled; before sniffing the air.

“Know what?” His eyes narrowed. “You smell like that Shiesse from the pharmacist. Like that cream I use whenever I get a new tattoo.”

Tom laughed and rolled his eyes at Bill, while inside his stomach was churning. His tattoo burned, but his cheeks were scorching hot.

“You know I’d never get a tattoo,” He shuddered. “I hate needles.”

“You got your lip done,” Bill pointed out.

“That’s different,” Tom sighed. “Besides, I wouldn’t know what to get. If I got something permanently scratched into my skin, I’d know it meant something to me.”

“I mean something to you,” Bill batted his eyelashes cheekily. “You could get a picture of me over your heart.”

Tom laughed; wishing it was that simple.

“So, you did get a tattoo? Can I see it? What is it?” Bill wiggled excitedly. “So how are you planning on showing your new tattoo off to the world?”

“Who says I plan on showing it to the world?” Tom growled. “Even if I did have one, which I don’t.”

“I know you’re lying,” Bill’s eyes sparkled happily. “Tomi…show me!”

The younger Kaulitz pounced on his twin; frantically searching for any sign of the hidden tattoo. After a while, the raven-haired male started to get rough, angry he couldn’t find one. Eventually, Tom shoved his brother away and climbed to his feet.

“I told you Bill,” He smirked unhappily. “I don’t have one. I don’t have the guts.”

Bill titled his head to the side; saddened inexplicably. He knew Tom was hiding something. His twin had been becoming more and more distant from him in the last few months; always hiding in his room.

“It’s not that easy,” Bill admitted. “Just forget it, ok? Um, why don’t we watch a movie in my room?”

Tom bit his lip. He just wanted to be alone.

“I’m not really in the mood,” He said softly; stroking his sleeve slightly. “I’m tired.

“Don’t watch the movie, you can sleep on my bed Or you know… we could just hang out?” The younger twin’s eyes were hopeful and Tom felt himself cave.

“Ok,” He whispered. “But how about we watch it in my room?”

After Bill agreed; Tom slipped into the darkness of his bedroom, and looked at the tattoo on his arm. It was covered with a soft gauze and he peeled it off carefully, revealing the raised red skin.

This was the truth, he thought. But no one would hear it, or help him…so why bother?

Tom stroked the tender skin; feeling his eyes well up. A clear droplet landed on the tattoo and he wiped it away, but on the inside, the tears never stopped. He didn’t think they ever did…People always said Bill was the one; depressed and Anorexic.

It made Tom invisible; just the way he liked it. He was able to be himself and not pretend that everything was ok. He was able to hide his broken soul and listen to the lies; see his own blood caking his fingers, shouting, screaming, pain filled cries, and the view of a field with a lone tree; life seeping from it in a crimson tide.

“I don’t want to feel this anymore, Billa,” he whispered. “I just want to be numb.”

“Did you say something, Tom?” Bill asked as he stepped into the room. “Ooh, I knew you had a tattoo. Tomi!”

He raced over to his twin; who hastily pushed his sleeve down. Bill whined and pouted; but Tom wouldn’t show him. Wouldn’t let the secret come out until the time was right. They curled up together and Tom sighed; running a shaky finger down his twin’s face.

“Tom?” Bill looked scared. “What’s wrong?”

“You…Billa,” Tom’s tears kept falling onto his cheeks. “You know I’m not always going to be here for you, right?”

Bill shook his head.

“Yes, you are,” He insisted. “Together forever. That’s what you promised me the day we were born. Tomi, why…what happened to you? Why are you talking like this, all the time?”

Tom smiled softly; kissing the top of Bill’s head.

“Nothing happened,” He answered. “I’m the same as always. People are just starting to notice the real me.”

“But-“ Bill started to say. “I know the real you. You…you…does this have to do with your new tattoo? Is it a sign?”

“It has everything to do with my tattoo, and yes it is a sign of what’s to come,” He whispered. “Now, promise me Bill.”

“But I don’t know what I’m promising,” Bill whimpered; clutching onto his shirt front. “Tomi, please show me the tattoo.”

“You’ll see it when it’s time,” Tom laughed; pressing the clothing tighter. “And you’ll know what to promise at the same moment.”

*END OF FLASHBACK*

The tattoo scrawled elegant curls; spelling out your darkest secret, your intimate desire. Rette Mich.

As I stared at you lying cold and still, red water surrounding your face, I remembered all those times when you cried; those times when your sleeves ran red and I was too wrapped up in everything else to notice. When your cheekbones started to stick out and I laughed; saying you looked like me.

When you started to weaken; to drift away, I should have guessed. I should have pried open your heart and made you stay with me. Tomi; you’re my protector, my savor…

The blood around us no longer made wisps of red in the clear water, as it had when I found you. Now, it had stopped flowing, your body was as white as the bathtub, and the water was a dull pink.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Tom. Forgive me. I would have saved you if I knew. I loved you, Tomi and I always will. I’m so sorry it wasn’t enough."”

Two little words tattooed on your forearm could have made all the difference; but I never noticed. I just thought they were only ink…

…only ink, with no meaning…how wrong I was…

I crashed my upper body onto yours and hugged you to me. I started crying because I knew you couldn't wake up. I hugged and held you and just cried. My tears soaked your large t-shirt, where I lay my head on your chest. You weren't breathing. There was no pulse.

My heart beat for you, and yet that still wasn't enough. It never was. Never had been.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.