Maybe It's Real
Chapter Twenty
"Stella," Dr.Quaid looks at me, squinting through this glasses, "I've been speaking with your mother and she told me about the dreams you've been having lately." He speaks carefully, treading this topic lightly.
I shift in my seat, my fingers twisting together. Scenes of my dreams play behind my eyes. I wince. Every single time the sun goes down while I'm laying in bed, I dream. I dream of the nights in James room. The nights when I felt dirty and vulnerable. I wake up crying, out of breath. Tangled in my sheets, my tongue bleeding from biting it while I slept. I throw up soon after, my mother by my side, rubbing my back telling me, "He's gone, Stella. he's gone." Maybe he is, but at night, he's back and I can't escape.
The quiet is interrupted by the heater buzzing on.
I clear my throat.
"He's in my dreams." I slowly state. Dr.Quaid nods his head as if he's telling me to continue. "In my dreams, it's like I'm back to where I was before. Powerless and vunerable. He's doing what he always did. There are pieces of real memories and pieces of newer," I pause, thinking of the awful things James did during the night, "scarier things. Every night the dream continues where the last stopped. As if I paused it like a movie or something. And, well, I think I'm going to die soon because I'm getting weaker and weaker throughout the dreams."
Dr.Quaid says nothing, he only nods. After a moment, he tells me, "You shouldn't worry about these dreams. James is gone now, he can't touch you any longer. Nor can he speak to you, come near you or anything along those lines. What I think you need most now is closure."
Closure.
"How can we do that?" I can barely lift my voice above a whisper. My therapist leans back in his seat.
"That's something I'll have to think about right now."
"Okay," Somehow, these sessions are comfortably awkward.
"Is Eli taking you home?"
I nod, "Yeah, Melody has a fever so my mother took her to the doctors." Standing up, I take two candy canes from the bowl on the table. It seems as though this bowls' candy changes with the seasons.
"Don't eat too much sugar, Stella." Dr.Quad jokes. I laugh a little.
"One's for Eli. Bye, Dr.Quaid." When I step out of the room into the office, Eli is sitting on the couch. A Mens Health magazine sits on his lap, he flips through the pages tiredly. He doesn't seem to be reading anything.
"Reading anything interesting?" I step closer to the couch, holding out a candy cane. Eli looks up, a small smile on his lips. He takes the candy cane from me.
"Nope. I was only browsing. Thanks." He stands up, pulling the wrapper off the candy, putting the end in his mouth.
"Ah. I see." I slide my arms into my coat and pull my hat on over my head. Eli shrugs his jacket on and pulls his keys from his pocket.
"So, do you want to stop by Starbucks to pick up hot chocolate for Melody? I'm sure she'd love it." Eli asks.
I nod, "Sounds great." Eli holds the door that leads outside for me. Cold air rushes at my face. I shiver.
As we get in the car, Eli cranks the heat on high. The windows fog up and I draw a smiley face in the corner.
"It's freezing out." I say, rolling the ends of my coat sleeves around my already cold knuckles.
"Extremely."
A silence falls over us. Our eyes trained on the snow covered road.
"Eli?" My voice cracks the silence.
"Hm?" He looks at me through the corner of his eye. I bite my tongue, now sure how to approach this subject.
"Why," I turn to look at him, "do you go to therapy?"
Eli sucks in a breath. Obviously, I shouldn't have said anything.
"You don't have to tell me, I was just curious." God, I'm so stupid. Even I can't talk to him about my problems without mentally freaking out.
He takes a big breath, "I don't think I'm ready to tell you yet. I'm sorry, really, even with Dr.Quaid it's hard to discuss." Eli seems embarrassed so I reach over and take his hand that rests in the center console.
Quietly, I mutter, "I understand. I understand completely."
I shift in my seat, my fingers twisting together. Scenes of my dreams play behind my eyes. I wince. Every single time the sun goes down while I'm laying in bed, I dream. I dream of the nights in James room. The nights when I felt dirty and vulnerable. I wake up crying, out of breath. Tangled in my sheets, my tongue bleeding from biting it while I slept. I throw up soon after, my mother by my side, rubbing my back telling me, "He's gone, Stella. he's gone." Maybe he is, but at night, he's back and I can't escape.
The quiet is interrupted by the heater buzzing on.
I clear my throat.
"He's in my dreams." I slowly state. Dr.Quaid nods his head as if he's telling me to continue. "In my dreams, it's like I'm back to where I was before. Powerless and vunerable. He's doing what he always did. There are pieces of real memories and pieces of newer," I pause, thinking of the awful things James did during the night, "scarier things. Every night the dream continues where the last stopped. As if I paused it like a movie or something. And, well, I think I'm going to die soon because I'm getting weaker and weaker throughout the dreams."
Dr.Quaid says nothing, he only nods. After a moment, he tells me, "You shouldn't worry about these dreams. James is gone now, he can't touch you any longer. Nor can he speak to you, come near you or anything along those lines. What I think you need most now is closure."
Closure.
"How can we do that?" I can barely lift my voice above a whisper. My therapist leans back in his seat.
"That's something I'll have to think about right now."
"Okay," Somehow, these sessions are comfortably awkward.
"Is Eli taking you home?"
I nod, "Yeah, Melody has a fever so my mother took her to the doctors." Standing up, I take two candy canes from the bowl on the table. It seems as though this bowls' candy changes with the seasons.
"Don't eat too much sugar, Stella." Dr.Quad jokes. I laugh a little.
"One's for Eli. Bye, Dr.Quaid." When I step out of the room into the office, Eli is sitting on the couch. A Mens Health magazine sits on his lap, he flips through the pages tiredly. He doesn't seem to be reading anything.
"Reading anything interesting?" I step closer to the couch, holding out a candy cane. Eli looks up, a small smile on his lips. He takes the candy cane from me.
"Nope. I was only browsing. Thanks." He stands up, pulling the wrapper off the candy, putting the end in his mouth.
"Ah. I see." I slide my arms into my coat and pull my hat on over my head. Eli shrugs his jacket on and pulls his keys from his pocket.
"So, do you want to stop by Starbucks to pick up hot chocolate for Melody? I'm sure she'd love it." Eli asks.
I nod, "Sounds great." Eli holds the door that leads outside for me. Cold air rushes at my face. I shiver.
As we get in the car, Eli cranks the heat on high. The windows fog up and I draw a smiley face in the corner.
"It's freezing out." I say, rolling the ends of my coat sleeves around my already cold knuckles.
"Extremely."
A silence falls over us. Our eyes trained on the snow covered road.
"Eli?" My voice cracks the silence.
"Hm?" He looks at me through the corner of his eye. I bite my tongue, now sure how to approach this subject.
"Why," I turn to look at him, "do you go to therapy?"
Eli sucks in a breath. Obviously, I shouldn't have said anything.
"You don't have to tell me, I was just curious." God, I'm so stupid. Even I can't talk to him about my problems without mentally freaking out.
He takes a big breath, "I don't think I'm ready to tell you yet. I'm sorry, really, even with Dr.Quaid it's hard to discuss." Eli seems embarrassed so I reach over and take his hand that rests in the center console.
Quietly, I mutter, "I understand. I understand completely."