Down Low

I’m not sure I knew what I wanted. I expected him to yell at me, look down upon me with even the slightest hint of scorn. But I didn’t get that. I was pushed aside gently as Robbie ran towards the drive way where Lily was just arriving. He picked her up and twirled her around, cradling the back of her head roughly as he kissed her and smiled. He kept repeating, “I can’t believe it! This is incredible!” over and over like a five year old about to go to Disney Land. He led her back into the house, his hand at the lower half of her back while he nuzzled her neck. They brushed past me, not even acknowledging my presence. I doubt they even noticed that I was gone. In the distance, I heard the slow rumble of thunder course through the muggy air. I followed them into the kitchen, where they were now excitedly talking about something I couldn’t quite make out. Before I reached them, I passed a mirror and took in my horrible appearance. Black eye shadow and liner were smudged down my face and my hair was full of knots and leaves and branches. Obviously, whatever they had to talk about was much more important than me. But hey, this is Robbie. He did leave me in the first place. Why did I expect this time around to be any different?

My shirt was torn and covered in dirt, my boots scratched up from running through the vines and trees. I looked like a complete mess and they didn’t even take a second to look. When I finally joined them, Lily and Robbie were standing up, looking towards me with wide smiles on their faces. Lily took a deep breath before she began, “Elizabeth, we have some very exciting news to share with you.” She grinned and looked up towards Robbie who finally got a good look at me. I thought I saw a flash of worry there, but it was probably just disgust and embarrassment. He didn’t speak right away, so when she nudged him he remembered to smile again and dropped a fucking bomb on me.

“Elizabeth…Lily and I are having a baby!” They began hugging tightly again, laughing and grinning like loons. They then looked towards me expectantly for a minute before I reacted. I shook my head and walked forward to give Lily a rather fake huge, if I do say so myself.

“I’m so happy for you both. Congrats,” I lied. I bit my lip and took a deep breath, trying to gulp down the massive lump in my throat that threatened to spill an ocean of tears across the cheap linoleum floor. Lily was way too happy to notice that my face was cringed with pain. Robbie stared at me, searching for something. I turned away and headed upstairs before he could see. I stepped into the shower just before my legs gave way beneath me. I collapsed a little hard on the marble tub and just let the water fall on me like rain. I held my knees to my chest and began to cry as the thunder roared louder outside, a flash of lightning illuminating the room. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and throw punches at everyone in my life. I hated my life. My mom is in a mental ward; my father left me alone to deal with her at a very young age and started a whole new life for himself – a happier one with Lily…and the new baby. Lucas was getting married and moving on from me forever and I was still stuck in the same place. I was still a prisoner in my mind, forced to listen to my inner demons continuously berate me like a song bird serenading the dawn.

I don’t really know how or why the urge seeped its way into my brain. But it was electric, instant. I stopped crying and looked straight ahead through the heavy droplets of water, standing straight up in such a way I imagine I must’ve looked like a robot being activated. I stepped out onto the bathroom floor, somehow not slipping, and felt my heartbeat begin to palpitate violently inside my chest. I leaned forward and wiped a bit of the steam off the mirror, recognizing that the sound of the shower, the rain, and the thunder outside were filling my ears, like when you’re under water and a wave crashes in the ocean. Millions of water droplets raced down my body and onto the floor as I stared at myself through the mirror. My hair was matted to my head, dripping about a gallon onto my feet. I opened the mirror cabinet and took out the box of electrical cutters that Robbie never removed from when the light switch was being wonky the first night I arrived here.

At that first touch, I was lost. I was no longer in my body; I swear it felt like I was having an out of body experience or something. From then on, it was all mechanical movement. I took a blade and ran my fingers along the edges, testing its sharpness and marveling at the sleek metal. I pressed the needle-like corner into the flesh of my index finger and watched, fascinated, as a big blood drop swelled and slowly dripped down my hand. My eyes followed its trail intently down past my wrists and towards my elbow, which was scraped and bruised from earlier in the morning. I felt really numb, but the bite of the blade brought me back. I felt something so pure and uninfluenced by others’ opinions and societal views. It wasn’t like heartbreak from a cheating boyfriend, or even depression from abandonment. It was just…unadulterated pain.

My eyes became drawn to faint pulse of the blue veins underneath my skin. I gripped the blade tightly as I watched myself slice into the skin of my arms and stomach. The sting of the razor alerted all of my senses and I finally felt in control of something. As twisted and completely wrong as it sounds, it’s the truth. So I just watched. I watched the blood cascade down the slight concave of my stomach, felt the drops accumulate at my fingertips and fall to the floor with tiny quiet thuds. It was then that I realized what I’d just done. In part, I was furious with myself for becoming a freaking cliché. But also, I knew in that moment when I stared back into my reflection, into my puffy, tired eyes that there was no going back.