Down Low

For days on end, my routine was pretty much the same. I woke up, showered, made coffee, and painted. I barely slept or ate. I don’t even think I muttered a word besides the occasional ‘Okay,’ or ‘No thanks.’ All I could focus on were these walls and how in the world I was going to complete what I had set out to do. I needed this place to feel safe for me. I needed more than ever to feel some sort of semblance of belonging. And because unfortunate circumstances held me hostage across the Atlantic, I had to bring home to me.

“It’s almost there,” I whispered to myself. I could feel my heart thumping more forcefully against my ribcage, and my hands shaking with a buzzing anticipation. With the final strokes of my paintbrush, emotion usurped my entire body and the colors –blues, reds, yellows –blurred and swirled beautifully around me. It’s almost as if they were dancing merrily with their arms outstretched, inviting me to collapse into their embrace. And I did. With a piercing sob, I fell in a heap onto my knees…like how people kneel for repentance at church. I felt like that, in a way. I wanted to wash away the regret, the hurt and the pain that coursed like poison in my veins. I kept weeping. I wept so hard, I nearly threw up. I could just feel my face turning red, my blood vessels popping from the pressure I was exerting through my breakdown.

Faintly in the background, I could hear footsteps dashing up the stairs. Within moments, Robbie, Alex, and Lily were by my side. However, just before they could lean down to comfort me and see just what was wrong, they halted dead in their tracks. They stood at the center of my room, with their backs facing each other. Alex was closest to me, staring at the section I had just completed. Robbie and Lily overlooked the mural that continued over the closet door and far window. They were speechless.

The mural was a panoramic view of a cliff just outside my hometown, at sunset. The shadows of the mountains were visible in the distance, overlooking the blue water that shined brightly as the last rays of sun danced on the surface. The sky was painted how any regular sunset would look, with warm tones and tropical hues. However, the skyline continued farther up, steadily becoming darker and amalgamating into space. I painted the stars in clusters and dusted some white around them to try my best at accuracy, considering most of this was constructed from a fond memory…a memory of a better time when my parents were together and actually happy. Now, I am aware that three year olds don’t usually have such vivid memories, but this one was special. This was the last happy memory that I can remember, before everything turned to shit. Robbie gasped and grabbed Lily’s hand for support. When he turned to me, he had tears in his aged, wrinkled eyes. He remembered.

It was a perfect day. My parents had, ironically, just renewed their vows. They took me with them to a really fancy restaurant in the city, then we went to a carnival and they won me this big, fluffy teddy bear that I still have to this day. It’s sitting in my trunk in the hallway…not that Robbie knows. We, obviously, ended the night gazing out at the ocean and the dreamlike halo of light slowly dimming on the horizon. We were sitting on top of the hood of the car, eating smores, hugging each other tightly, and laughing at nothing in particular. Now, this part was a bit fuzzy, but fortunately enough Robbie pulled out his video camera. On the wall nearest to Lily was a quote my father had said while recording. He zoomed in on my mother’s face as she beamed lovingly at him. The reflection of the sun on the window made her look like an angel. As pure as can be.

“Nothing can ever touch these moments we share. You, my love, will always be my sun.” At this, she began to tear, and he continued on. “I’ll miss you as we both fade away among the stars and into our own dreams, but I’ll always smile happily, because I know that I’ll wake up to your beautiful face in the morning. And if that isn’t something to brag about, then knowing that our love is once again immortalized and re-acknowledged by the world and more importantly us and our lovely daughter should be enough to enjoy a thousand lifetimes of happiness.” I swirled this up from the base of the wall up towards the ceiling where my ‘universe’ was.

And now they were all turned to me. Lily looked confused, yet proud. Robbie’s face grimaced with regret. He almost looked like he was in pain, and Alex looked amazed. He was grinning around like a child at the aquarium. He beamed at me and exclaimed, “This is incredible! What is this place?”

“It’s an old memory,” I croaked out, meetings Robbie’s intense stare. “I was three when I first went there. I loved it, and the memories attached to that place so much that every year, same day, same time, I went back there and visited. It’s the best memory I have.” I cried as my coarse voice broke. Robbie ran towards me and held me tight.

We cried for hours. We exchanged long-overdue apologies, and lied down in the center of my room through the night. Neither of us slept. We just stared up at the fluorescent stars and secretly wished that things hadn’t turned out the way they did. It had taken a little over fourteen years. Fourteen arduous years of anguish, disappointment, and uncertainty, but it finally happened.

Robbie was my father again.