Down Low

There’s a saying in Buddhism that says, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” I mean I’m sure for a lot of people this would be helpful, maybe even inspirational, but what are you to do when being present is the last thing you want to be? All I want right now is to be lost in a daydream, light years away from all this drama and heartache I’ve somehow managed to put upon myself. And I don’t know, maybe I deserve it. Well, no, I definitely deserve it. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I’d rather be anywhere else but right here, and right now. I would do anything to get out of this situation and forget that the world has me clinging to a loose foothold on a cliff. I want to let go, close my eyes, and allow the world to send me crashing down asunder. And even though this will break me, maybe the ache that reverberates through my body will be the saving grace for Lucas and everyone else that has been afflicted by my presence. I’m the parasite to his host. The sooner he gets rid of me, the happier he’ll be. I mean, I should be happy for him, but my selfishness only has me scared about what will happen to me when this is all over. What a fantastic fucking friend I am.

The ride to the hotel was thankfully, a quiet one. I guess everyone figured out that the weight of the situation was settling back onto me. I sat on my hands to make sure I couldn’t make myself bleed again. That would be a joy to try and explain random bloody hands to Dad and Lil. We were checked in pretty quickly. The hallways smelled like disinfectant and Lysol, which you can imagine is not a very appealing scent. It kind of reminded me of the nurses’ office in primary school; a place where Mrs. Morgan would let me sleep a few hours whenever I’d have a long night of work or whenever I had to bring Mom to the E.R. to get her stomach pumped. I blinked away the tears and walked ahead of everyone, trying to regain my composure. I really didn’t need to have them worrying about me and attaching themselves to my hip. Being in the states was eerie. I really want to see my mom again and apologize to her. I think this is a good a chance as I’ll ever get to make things right, but being so close to where everything fell apart just makes me sick.

I had my own room, as did Alex. I was semi-thankful for that setup and yet, slightly scared. If things went how I felt it would, then I’d be a danger to myself. After I unpacked the essentials; toothbrush, books, laptop, etc., Robbie and Lily knocked on my door and asked if I was up for grabbing a late dinner at a nearby Red Lobster. I could still feel the sludge from earlier sloshing around in my stomach. The thought of more food, seafood, no less, made me nauseous. I politely declined and curled up on the bed, physically and mentally drained from the day.

I tried falling asleep again, but to no avail. The nap from earlier fucked up my sleeping pattern, pushing back the jet lag that I expected to settle in by now. Fuck. Feeling defeated, I dug out my bathing suit and headed downstairs, past the lobby, and down the long corridor to where this marvelous ‘spa’ was, which was really just a hot tub, pool, and massage station. I headed immediately for the hot tub which was luckily empty. I figured the hot water would do some good to the knots in my neck and back.

Why am I such a fucking mess? I gingerly dipped my foot into the water, which was surprisingly the perfect temperature. Not scalding hot, not lukewarm, perfect. I smiled softly as I relaxed, fully submerged in the bubbly water. This is nice. Just quiet, alone, calm. Why can’t it always be like this? I took my hair out of the top bun it was in and let it fall down past my shoulders, slipping down under the water and holding my breath. I always wondered what it’d be like to drown. I’ve heard it’s the most painful death to endure, but it does sound kind of nice. You’re weightless, slowly drifting away, drifting down into darkness. It’s poetry. God, when did I become so morbid?

After a half hour of desperately needed relaxation, a loud group of teenagers approached, talking excitedly about their road trip and how awesome New York City was going to be. I took this as my cue to leave. I really didn’t want to be around my peers. I don’t want to be in this period of my life any longer than I need to. I lazily got up and strolled to the cheap, white recliner seat that had those rubber strips across them where I had placed my towel and clothes on. I dried myself off quickly peering out the wide glass windows, trying to avoid freezing my ass off in the unnecessarily arctic, air conditioned corridor. While I was doing this, I began to feel strange, as if I was being watched. My eyes snapped back to the teens that had infiltrated my temporary sanctuary and saw that everyone’s eyes, even the staff, were trailing up and down my body. Most people had mixed expressions of what I deciphered as pity and embarrassment for me. It was like they wanted to look away, but couldn’t. The others looked pained and disgusted. I then immediately peered down and gasped loudly, remembering the hundred or so scars that now appeared red and raw from the heat and pressure of the jet in the hot tub. One of the girls began to make her way towards me, as if to help, but she wasn’t quick enough. I snapped my hand to my mouth, in shock. How the fuck did I manage to forget what I had done? How can one person forget that they brutally mutilated their own fucking body? I began to sob loudly for a few seconds before I quickly grabbed my things and sprinted towards my room.

I cried and I cried until my voice grew hoarse. I was currently nestled between the nightstand in the corner and my bed, hugging my knees tightly and sobbing so hard, my chest began to tighten painfully. Over the next hour or so, I had four or five letters slip through the bottom of my door, all from strangers asking if I was okay. After reading through the last one, I decided to get up and wash the snot from my face. The lights weren’t very forgiving to the state of my face. When I saw what I looked like, I started to laugh and I mean really laugh. There was no coming back from this. I had cried so hard that my face was covered in freckles from all of the blood vessels that popped as I slowly died inside. I laughed.

And I had no trouble falling asleep this time.