Down Low

I love showers. They’re peaceful and the warm water cascading down my skin brings me comfort. I take extremely long showers when I need to think. I’ve been in here for an hour. I’ve thought about my mom, and the look of betrayal on her face as the police dragged her away. I was a traitor and I knew it.

I thought about how happy Robbie looks with his new fiancee Lily. They’re both happy. Stable. In love. It honestly breaks my heart. That should be my mom. It might as well be, seeing Lily is practically her carbon copy. Why can’t we all be happy? ...That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I thought about Lucas, and how I miss him. Although...I really have no right to. Lucas was my best friend back at home. I trusted him with every secret and loved him, in more ways than one. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I played the home wrecker. I regret it every single fucking day-not because it happened, but because I ruined a potentially long lasting relationship. And I will never forgive myself for that. The only thing that salvages me from slitting my wrists open is the memory of that entire day, preceding my recognition that I was a complete slut. I closed my eyes and recalled the memory into my consciousness, ignoring the water turning cold. Memories invaded the darkness behind my eyelids and nostalgia hit me like a speeding Ryder truck.

There were people everywhere you looked. Lucas and I laughed as we ran through the crowd towards the line for Nitro. We were at Six Flags for Lucas' 18th birthday. Jenna was supposed to come, but her parents were wealthy politicians and whenever there was an event, she had no other choice but to attend. Her presence at those functions 'promoted family solidarity', Lucas informed me, aggravated. Things at that time were shaky between the two. Lucas wanted to spend time with his girlfriend and felt that she didn't appreciate him enough and took him for granted.

"I understand that family comes first, but I'm not even a priority to her," he told me. Lucas and Jenna fought earlier that day when she told him the news. It was last minute and she tried to explain that she didn't even find out until '30 minutes ago'. Since then Lucas' anger abated. It was just me and him, exactly how it should have been. There was some tension between us the entire day. We talked to each other too close, like how people do when they whisper. We held hands on the roller coasters and stared at each other for longer than what would be deemed appropriate for 'friends'. I guess looking back, it was sexual tension caused by years of liking each other and never doing a damn thing about it. It was when we were leaving, that things took a turn for what I know now as, the worst.

It was a mess trying to get through the exit that night. It had begun pouring violently as a hurricane made its way through. The crowds were pushing and I ended up falling over. Lucas caught me just before I hit the ground, one hand weaved through my hair and the other supporting the small of my back. The proximity of his face to mine broke down all barriers, and we just couldn't resist the temptation. We kissed passionately all the way to the car that was situated on the far side of the parking lot. We frequently stopped to make out on the side of a few random cars near the spot where Lucas' Dodge Charger sat. Lucas sped all the way to his house, which was consequently empty. We ran up to his room, quickly discarding our clothes on the floor. When we hit the bed, we were free. I clawed at his shoulders as he tenderly pushed in, our breaths hitching with each thrust. We fell in a heap, buried beneath his comforter holding each other close. He was rubbing my back when it happened. His phone buzzed on the side table: Jenna-I love you baby. Please don't be mad at me. I began sobbing furiously as I collected my clothes and ran out. When I opened his front door, Jenna stood there with a gigantic bag filled with gifts.

She grabbed me, worried, and asked, "Oh my god Effy, what happened?" I shook her off me and sprinted all the way home. By the time Jenna found out and dumped Lucas, I had already disappeared. You thought I was joking when I said it was my specialty. He had no idea. I left a note:

Dear Lucas,

She’s gone. Elaine was shaking violently and destroying everything in sight and...God I didn’t know what to do. They took her away. The police showed up and transported her to Reinyl Rehab Center. They told me they’d call when I’d be allowed to see her, but I told them not to bother…I don’t think I want to see her. She probably hates me for doing this to her. And you probably hate me for splitting you and Jenna up. I don’t know what came over me. I guess I just have this knack for completely fucking things up. I'm sorry I left without warning. I'm sorry for ruining...everything. By the time you read this, I’ll be out of the country. Don’t come looking for me, Lucas. I’m very serious. All I do is cause pain and destruction. If things were different, I’d be right there with you, holding you on the couch in your living room, vegging out and watching Courage the Cowardly Dog. I’d look at your beautiful blue eyes and tell you exactly how I’ve felt for the past four years. I’m in love with you. And I always will be. And I'm sorry for being too much of a fucking pussy to say it.

Please, do us both a favor and forget about me,

Effy.

I began to cry. It wasn't until I opened my eyes again that I noticed I was shivering on the floor of the shower. He was my everything. My light, my love, my friend. But I screwed it up like I always fucking do. I had the better part of four years to tell him how I felt, and I waited till he had a girlfriend to do it. My timing is always shit. Like with my mom. I should’ve gotten her help earlier. Maybe I could’ve saved her from what she’s become; from the grave she’s been steadily digging for herself. She was strong and powerful before my father left. Heartbreak is deadly.

And Meth is one hell of a drug.