Down Low

I’d just about spent all of the afternoon staring at my ceiling. These walls…they’re just too quaint, too soft that it gives me a feeling of squalor. Paradoxical, right? The single most clean and put together aspect of my life, and I turn it into some kind of metaphor for the filth I’ve become. What kind of teenager thinks about these things? I really shouldn’t be pondering life and all its meaning like some philosophy professor. I’m only seventeen, for God’s sake.

The house telephone rang obnoxiously through the silent house. Lily and Robbie had been working in the garden since I left this morning, and I figured they probably wouldn’t hear it from outside. So, in one of the most irritating attempts to be nice (ew), I jogged downstairs to the kitchen where the phone was placed on a delicate cherry wood table. The house was just too perfect…it further reminded me of how out-of-place I felt. I don’t belong here. I sighed and shook the self deprecating thoughts off and glanced at the caller I.D. It was a long distance phone call. My breath was caught in my throat and the ringing suddenly became eerie. Its high-pitched sound reverberating throughout the quiet was unsettling. And so was the husky voice that filled the silence.

“Hey, Eff. It’s me,” I stilled, not once daring to breathe.

“I trust that you don’t need the verification. I know for a fact you haven’t forgotten about me.” I frowned. Of course I haven’t, sweet Lucas. But how is this happening? Tell me Lucas, how did you find me? He answered my question as if I had picked up the phone and asked him. I stayed silent, gripping the kitchen table for dear life. How could I even think he wouldn't find me?

“I know this is all confusing, Eff. But I’ve been in contact with your father since your tenth birthday.” He paused, as if he knew I was standing there…listening and hanging on to his every word. He knew me so well.

“Don’t be mad at me, please. He wanted me to watch over you and let him know how you were doing. I know this is a lot to take in, but I promised him I wouldn’t tell. I don’t know why he chose to do things that way. But in a way, it’s sweet. Sort of like a guardian angel…” His heavy breath revealed that he too was affected by what he was saying. He felt my pain like he always did.

“So when you left and gave me that letter…I had a hunch where you’d be sent. You’re not old enough to live on your own, as strong and stubborn as you are. Shortly after you settled in, your father gave me a call to let me know you were there and safe. He really is a great man... but now onto more pressing matters…” I ran up to the phone and picked it up. I don’t know where the impulse came from. It probably had something to do with the fact that in about ten seconds the machine would cut him off. Either that, or I wanted him to know I was there…Wanting him to talk to me and yell at me for being so insensitive and rash. I put him through so much pain…

“Effy? How could you just leave me like that?” He was raising his voice now.

“I know things were hard but I’ve never known you to be a coward.” Ouch. That stung. But he was undeniably one-hundred percent right. I am a fucking coward.

“I thought about flying over there, unannounced to give you a piece of my mind. But I don’t know if I can handle seeing you right now. But you’re right. You should’ve told me earlier. I’ve been in love with you since we were eight, Eff. I would’ve done anything for you. Honest to God I believed we would grow up happily and get married with a bunch of bubbly mini me’s. But that’s all changed. I love you. I do. I’m also in love with you. And that, you know perfectly. But you and me? It would never work out. I know you too well to know that even if we tried to be together, you’d never let me in. I know you just too damn well. And it’s weird because usually, it would be the opposite… I was going to propose to you, that night. But you rushed out so quickly, I never even had a chance.” The tears were flowing freely down my face, soaking my loose t-shirt. I wiped them, but the action was futile. They just wouldn’t stop. I heard Lucas heave a huge sigh before continuing.

“I will always love you, baby. But I have to move on if I’m ever gonna be happy... She forgave me, Eff.” My eyes grew wide in surprise and I felt my jaw drop. He chuckled and I knew he was smiling.

“Jenna fucking forgave me…After all that happened. I thought that I’d lost everything-her and you, with good reason. I don’t deserve her. I really don’t. But one day she caught me in the park, thinking about all the shit that happened. She came and sat down next to me and just looked ahead for a while. She didn’t even acknowledge me. We sat in silence for a good ten minutes before she even said anything. Do you wanna know what she said, Eff? The only thing she said was, ‘I understand.’ When she looked at me after that, I knew. I knew that she was the one. So you wanna know what I did? I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. We had an amazing night and I’ve never felt more love and happiness in my life. I know we’re young, but you know I don’t like playing games. We’re set to marry in two months.” I couldn’t help myself after that. I started sobbing hard, and loud. I felt like the ground had just fallen from underneath me and I was stuck in purgatory. My eyesight was shot. The tears blurred my vision and began stinging my eyes, so I closed them tight. The blackness surrounded and engulfed me. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I was going to hang up, when I heard Lucas crying along with me. It was unbearable. I probably looked so pathetic right now. If Robbie were to walk in-that’d be the ultimate embarrassment. Lucas just made me feel so fucking vulnerable.

I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t even know what I was doing before I whispered, “I’m sorry.”

The line went silent for a minute or two before Luke responded.

“It’s okay, Effy. It’s okay. I’m sorry for being so harsh. Don’t ever think I hate you. I don’t regret a single thing that happened between us. If it weren’t for that night, I would still be pining over you. And I wouldn’t recognize the blessing I had in front of me. I want you to come, Eff. I need you to be there for me. I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with it if you don’t.”

“Luca, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Jenna…”

“Invited you.” I stilled and furrowed my brow in confusion.

“Why would she ever even allow me there? After what I did…”

“She thought it would be good closure. She doesn’t hate you. She forgives you too. Effy I want you to be my best man, as unorthodox as that is. I want you to be there. You’re my best friend. Can I count on you?”

“Of course, Luke. Of course."

We were still best friends. The feeling was extremely bittersweet and he felt it too. If I weren’t such a mess, then maybe I would’ve had the happy ending with the most amazing guy on the planet. But life’s tricky that way.

“She’s amazing, you know.” I admitted. She must really love him, and deserves him way more than I ever did.

“I know… I love you, Eff.”

“I love you too, Lucas.”

I hung up the phone after hearing the faint dial tone again. I went upstairs to get ready, rushing, in a daze. Our conversation had sucked up a lot of time, and I had none left to get ready. Even as I tried to focus on what I was doing, there was only one way to describe how I felt.

Mind-fucked.