Down Low
Blarrggkjgh
I awoke with the comforting, bright rays of the morning sun shining down on my face. I took in a deep breath and stretched out my limbs a bit, trying to shake off the sleepiness. I then slowly slid my hands over my face to rub my eyes as my vision was still slightly blurry. When I attempted to sit up, I noticed a weirdly heavy weight across my stomach. I swear I have never gotten up so quickly in my life. When the morning breeze hit my body, I began to panic, my breathing becoming frantic and sharp. I knit my eyebrows together and took one big gulp before allowing myself to look down. I was in my undergarments...on a rooftop….with Alex…in the middle of a damn forest.
After a painful debate in my head, I carefully bent down next to him, and peeled off the quilt that somehow got there. He was in nothing but his boxers. I crossed my arms and rapidly paced back and forth trying to remember what happened. Normally, I wouldn’t worry about this stuff. If it had been any other guy I would’ve just assumed we…err, you know. But not Alex. It seemed so wrong and rushed and random and I have no fucking idea why. I rubbed my temples and searched around for my clothes, which thankfully were nowhere near him. I turned around, and walked back inside feeling empty and frustrated with myself. Hopefully when he wakes up, he’ll be just as clueless as I am to whatever happened last night.
As I made my way downstairs, I saw trash littered all over the house. I smiled at the terrific night I had…that is, before I blacked out. I was just about to walk out the front door, when I passed by a couple grinning and holding each other close. Their foreheads touched as they cuddled in the corner, surrounded by a dozen other passed out bodies on the marble floor. I felt something plummet in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what it was. Maybe guilt? Sadness…Loneliness? My heart hurt. No matter what I do or how much time goes by, one thing never changes –the way I feel.
My feet began to move swifter, faster. The trees blurred past me in a sea of green as I broke out in a run, running away from all of the shit and piss that is my life. I must look like a complete mess right now. Leaves and branches cut and scraped my arms and became entangled in my hair as I dashed through the forest and into the park clearing. Luckily, it was still fairly early, maybe 7, 8 o’clock. I slowed down and began walking quickly with my arms crossed through town, trying to ignore the judgmental looks of the people I passed. I ducked into a coffee shop and froze. Everyone inside had turned to stare at the nutcase that is me. I shifted my eyes around and looked towards the floor as I made my way to a small booth in the far corner of the café. I kept my eyes glued to the table and quickly stated, “Coffee, milk, two sugars,” when I spotted the waiter approaching in my peripheral. I let my head fall down to the table as I heaved a heavy sigh.
When my coffee was placed quietly on the table, a young girl slid into my booth, sitting opposite me. I eyed her curiously, waiting for an explanation. I was about to ask her if she was lost or something along those lines, when she spoke.
“It seems to me that trying to change something that has already happened is a waste of time. It’ll always be there, in the past where it should stay. If you don’t let it go it’ll just eat you until there’s nothing left worth caring about. So really you think that life is harsh and cruel and that it sucks, when really you’re the one hurting yourself,” she stated with a nod. I sat still and swept my eyes around the room, wondering if anyone else was seeing this. I looked back to see the little eleven year old or so raising her eyebrow at me. Her dark blonde hair was put into high, wavy pigtails, and she wore a long-sleeved superman shirt under overalls. She was adorable and absolutely terrifying at the same time, an unlikely mix that strangely reminded me of myself as a little girl. After a minute or two of silence between us, she rolled her eyes and stuck her hand out towards me. I gently grabbed hers as we shook, not quite knowing what to do or what in the world was going on in my life anymore. It was just one big blur of blarrggkjgh.
“I’m Tessa. Psychologist. Pleased to meet you. If you ever need to talk, here’s my card.” Tessa placed a small white business card next to my cup and left the café, dragging a small, blue suitcase behind her. I chuckled to myself. I am definitely awake now. I took a sip of coffee and enjoyed the warm liquid as it cascaded down my throat. It allowed me think clearly, or rather, clearer. Yes, I still couldn’t remember exactly what happened last night, but Tessa was right about one thing. Why fuss over something in the past? Plus, there are so many holes in the story that really anything could’ve happened. We hopefully never even had sex, although the probability of that seems really small. I’ve decided not to bother with it until he brings it up. There, it’s done…for now, at least. I put the card in my pocket, placed a fiver on the table and left, burying yet another set of emotions in the furthermost regions of my mind.
After a painful debate in my head, I carefully bent down next to him, and peeled off the quilt that somehow got there. He was in nothing but his boxers. I crossed my arms and rapidly paced back and forth trying to remember what happened. Normally, I wouldn’t worry about this stuff. If it had been any other guy I would’ve just assumed we…err, you know. But not Alex. It seemed so wrong and rushed and random and I have no fucking idea why. I rubbed my temples and searched around for my clothes, which thankfully were nowhere near him. I turned around, and walked back inside feeling empty and frustrated with myself. Hopefully when he wakes up, he’ll be just as clueless as I am to whatever happened last night.
As I made my way downstairs, I saw trash littered all over the house. I smiled at the terrific night I had…that is, before I blacked out. I was just about to walk out the front door, when I passed by a couple grinning and holding each other close. Their foreheads touched as they cuddled in the corner, surrounded by a dozen other passed out bodies on the marble floor. I felt something plummet in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what it was. Maybe guilt? Sadness…Loneliness? My heart hurt. No matter what I do or how much time goes by, one thing never changes –the way I feel.
My feet began to move swifter, faster. The trees blurred past me in a sea of green as I broke out in a run, running away from all of the shit and piss that is my life. I must look like a complete mess right now. Leaves and branches cut and scraped my arms and became entangled in my hair as I dashed through the forest and into the park clearing. Luckily, it was still fairly early, maybe 7, 8 o’clock. I slowed down and began walking quickly with my arms crossed through town, trying to ignore the judgmental looks of the people I passed. I ducked into a coffee shop and froze. Everyone inside had turned to stare at the nutcase that is me. I shifted my eyes around and looked towards the floor as I made my way to a small booth in the far corner of the café. I kept my eyes glued to the table and quickly stated, “Coffee, milk, two sugars,” when I spotted the waiter approaching in my peripheral. I let my head fall down to the table as I heaved a heavy sigh.
When my coffee was placed quietly on the table, a young girl slid into my booth, sitting opposite me. I eyed her curiously, waiting for an explanation. I was about to ask her if she was lost or something along those lines, when she spoke.
“It seems to me that trying to change something that has already happened is a waste of time. It’ll always be there, in the past where it should stay. If you don’t let it go it’ll just eat you until there’s nothing left worth caring about. So really you think that life is harsh and cruel and that it sucks, when really you’re the one hurting yourself,” she stated with a nod. I sat still and swept my eyes around the room, wondering if anyone else was seeing this. I looked back to see the little eleven year old or so raising her eyebrow at me. Her dark blonde hair was put into high, wavy pigtails, and she wore a long-sleeved superman shirt under overalls. She was adorable and absolutely terrifying at the same time, an unlikely mix that strangely reminded me of myself as a little girl. After a minute or two of silence between us, she rolled her eyes and stuck her hand out towards me. I gently grabbed hers as we shook, not quite knowing what to do or what in the world was going on in my life anymore. It was just one big blur of blarrggkjgh.
“I’m Tessa. Psychologist. Pleased to meet you. If you ever need to talk, here’s my card.” Tessa placed a small white business card next to my cup and left the café, dragging a small, blue suitcase behind her. I chuckled to myself. I am definitely awake now. I took a sip of coffee and enjoyed the warm liquid as it cascaded down my throat. It allowed me think clearly, or rather, clearer. Yes, I still couldn’t remember exactly what happened last night, but Tessa was right about one thing. Why fuss over something in the past? Plus, there are so many holes in the story that really anything could’ve happened. We hopefully never even had sex, although the probability of that seems really small. I’ve decided not to bother with it until he brings it up. There, it’s done…for now, at least. I put the card in my pocket, placed a fiver on the table and left, burying yet another set of emotions in the furthermost regions of my mind.
♠ ♠ ♠
filler, but important