Take A Picture (It'll Last Longer)

The plane flight to England was the longest one I have ever been on in my entire life. The in-flight movie was Knotting Hill and Ben likes to do this annoying impersonation of Hugh Grant, mainly because he despises him. So I was stuck with Ben pretending to be something that was a cross between Hugh Grant and a chipmunk while I nervously shredded up all the airline napkins, worried that Ben’s parents were going to hate me and then Ben would realize how flawed and horrible I was and leave me for the girl who used to be Ginger Spice or something equally humiliating.

I’m tried to read a book I brought along about historic houses in England. It’s actually Ben’s book that someone gave him for some sort of graduation. The handwriting was messy so I couldn’t tell who it was. Ben says he’s never actually cracked open the book, which explains why it still has that new book smell even though he’s had it for years. I finally gave up on reading when Ben attempted to feel me up to discourage the guy sitting on my other side from flirting with me. It was nice of Ben’s parents to fly us over, but they didn’t have to stick us in coach next to Mr. I’m-A-Big-Shot-Stockbroker-Hear-Me-Roar.

Honestly, I don’t care if you’re helping us out of a national deficit. Seriously, what sort of girl puts out when a guy starts talking to her about Alan Greenspan and Ben Bernanke? I didn’t put out for my economics teacher (even though she was a senile old woman two years away from retirement and not that interested in me anyway) so I’m surely not going to put out for Mr. Stockbroker, who is coincidently sitting in plain view of my wedding ring. And crappy engagement ring.

“You’re lucky they didn’t kick us off the plane in mid-flight,” I said to Ben disgustedly as we navigated our way through the maze that is Heathrow. “That was totally humiliating!”

“It was not!” Ben snorted.

“When the flight attendant walks up to you and says ‘Excuse me, most people try to reach the Mile High Club in the airplane restrooms. Would you please tone it down? We have children on this flight’, I consider that embarrassing!” I shouted at him.

“It’s not my fault. I don’t think they should allow children on planes. They’re noisy and disruptive,” Ben said. “Like that one who got into that face-making contest back at O’Hare.”

“You are so juvenile!” I hissed at him.

“Catt, do we really want to meet my parents in the middle of an argument?” Ben sighed.

“Do you honestly think they’ll meet us at the airport?” I said, panicking and trying to make my appearance perfect.

“Probably not,” Ben said, “but at the rate we’re going, we’ll still be fighting tomorrow. Can we just stop?”

“Okay,” I said, “but if you try to go to third base on me in front of another stockbroker, so help me I will…”

“There’s the driver,” Ben said happily.

“Driver?” I said, confused. There was a distinguished looking gentleman holding up a card that said “Dawes” his eyes seemed to recognize Ben instantly and he smiled.

“Good afternoon, Benjamin,” the man said.

“Catt, this is Earp… he works with my father…” Ben said with a blush. “Earp, this is Catt…my…”

“Wife,” Earp finished with a bright smile. “It is nice to meet you, madam.”

“Um, thanks,” I said extending my hand to shake his.

He bowed instead. British people have weird customs. I didn’t know if I was supposed to curtsey or what and then Earp led us over to this really nice Bentley. He held open the doors so we could get in and I thought he was a pretty nice guy. Then he rounded the car and got into the front seat and started driving. Ben seemed thoroughly nervous and I swear he was even sweating a little.

“Is your father a limo driver?” I asked Ben curiously. “Because you said Earp works with him…”

“It’s sort of complicated,” Ben said to me embarrassedly.

“We’ll be home in two hours,” Earp said. “Do either of you have any wish to stop by somewhere to eat?”

“We’re good,” Ben answered in a strained voice.

“Things will be quite fine, Benjamin,” Earp said to him in a fatherly tone.

The entire two hour ride to Ben’s parents place was silent except for Earp humming along with the radio. Ben stared out the window the entire time as we drove through meandering countryside and it started to rain. I nervously smoothed out my skirt and tried to think about what I was going to say to Ben’s parents. It’s hard to think about what you’re going to say to your in-laws when you first meet them, especially when you’ve been married for three months before they found out and your husband only mentions his family when he’s referencing who he thinks could be Satan incarnate. Most people think they’re in-laws are Satanic after they meet them and here I was, getting assurances from my husband that my in-laws were going to be the devils themselves.

When the car finally stopped in the midst of the roving countryside, it was at this huge brick gate, so I assumed Ben’s parents lived in some ultra-exclusive planned community deal. Ben started sinking into the gate as Earp had a friendly conversation with the guy on the other end of the speaker box and then we went on through. Only there were no other houses around us. Just this big, brick monstrosity at the top of the hill that I faintly recognized. From the book of distinguished houses in England I picked out to read on my way over here.

“Ben… do your parents live… there?” I said to him, my mouth agape.

“Oh yes,” Earp said to me cheerfully. “The Dawes’ have lived at Eadendowns Manor for close to four hundred years now…”

“There is no way Ben’s parents are four hundred years old,” I said, mistaking his meaning.

“No, madam, the Dawes family,” Earp said to me sweetly. “Actually, the Earl and Countess of Edwick have always lived at Eadendowns.”

“Earl and… Ben? What the hell is he talking about?” I demanded to know. Earp looked at Ben in the rearview mirror and sighed.

“You haven’t even told her, have you Benjamin?” Earp sighed.

“No,” Ben said meekly.

“Haven’t told me what?” I demanded to know.

“I work for the Earl and Countess of Edwick. Lord Albert and Lady Beatrice…” Earp began.

“Wait, Lord and Lady? Ben? What the fuck is he talking about?” I hissed at him. “I thought we said no secrets!”

“Well…” Earp sighed. “I guess Benjamin here has some explaining to do.”