Status: Completed
Take A Picture (It'll Last Longer)
Impressing Gran
After thirty or so minutes of finding out various facts from “Lord Benjamin’s” childhood, du Severin made me some comforting tea and Pemberton and Mrs. Midgley sent me back up to bed. Ben was too asleep to even notice that I had gotten up, spent nearly an hour in the kitchen learning from the servants about how he had once tried to ride his Big Wheel down the stairs because it was too rainy to go outside. From most of the stories they told, Ben came off as not the brightest child but with his heart always in the right place, which is essentially the same Ben I know. Mrs. Midgley even told me about how Ben mistakenly picked her a bouquet of weeds she was allergic to because he wanted to give her flowers for her birthday. And of all the members of his family, I started to get the hint that Ben was the only one those employed by the Dawes’ family really had any respect for.
Amy was as much of a whore and general bitch as you would expect out of a girl who has more money than she does intelligence. A halfway sloshed Annabelle later confided to me tearily that Amy had once handed her a skirt that was two years old saying “You can have this. It fits your style and you have enough meat on your bones to wear it, whereas I don’t anymore.” Ben’s mother Beatrice was characterized by several members of the staff in low tones as an “Ice Queen”, “Martha Stewart Perfectionist”, “Wicked Witch”, “The She-Devil”, and “Lady Douchebag”. Ben’s father apparently was never home long enough for the staff to form any really attachments to him, though Pemberton and Earp did mention that Albert Dawes was at least kind enough to get both of them excellent boxes of cigars every year for Christmas.
When I woke up the next morning I almost forgot we were in England. I could hear Ben showering in the next room and the floor was still covered with dirty clothes that Ben had yet to pick up or unpack. It wasn’t until I looked around and saw all of Ben’s old band posters that I remembered exactly where I was. Once Ben was out of the shower, I took a long relaxing bath in the tub, which is roughly the size of your average kiddie swimming pool. It was at that point that I decided I could get used to the whole idea of being a Viscountess. After all, it didn’t seem to get in the way of Ben’s everyday life.
When my bath was over, I got dressed and headed downstairs to breakfast. Let’s just say that I’d never had a four course breakfast before in my entire life. No wonder Ben can eat everything in sight. The Dawes family eats more for breakfast than the entire country of Luxembourg consumes in a month. The only person who didn’t seem to eat ravenously was Amy who was on a no carb diet (even though I caught her sneaking some of the Belgian waffles onto her plate). Ben’s mother didn’t say a word to me or even look in my direction the entire meal and only rambled on about her schedule for today. She was getting a manicure, pedicure, some sort of wax, and having basically near inhumane things done to her body for the sake of beauty.
Albert didn’t pay much attention to his wife but read the business section of the newspaper and harrumphed every now and then at the stock market. Amy actually spent most of breakfast on her cell phone to a couple of friends who were in France while Ben shoveled down all his food faster than I could keep track. When he was done, he just grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the breakfast table without bothering to check if I was finished with my food or letting me said goodbye to his parents, even though they probably wouldn’t have noticed.
“What was that for?” I asked Ben as he dragged me down the main hallway of his house. “Your parents are going to think I’m the rudest person on the planet!”
“Really the last of our worries, Catt,” Ben sighed. “My parents are already furious at me enough. They can’t even begin to think about how you factor in to all of this.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him concerned. Ben took me into a living room I had never seen before in a part of the house I didn’t even know existed, sat me down on the couch in the center of the room, and then began nervously pacing back and forth across the room.
“In the spirit of being honest because we’re married and all,” Ben said finally, “I have some things to tell you.” He paused for a moment.
“Get on with it,” I frowned.
“Okay, well,” Ben sighed, “you already know that my parents froze up all the money they had in my name and I don’t get it back until I’m thirty or whatever. Not to mention that I’m probably going to be disinherited for marrying someone they’d never met before, which mean’s Amy’s getting everything…”
“Starting to ramble and tell me things I already know,” I pointed out.
“Right. Sorry,” Ben blushed. “At any rate, my Gran is coming in tomorrow.”
“Your grandmother?” I asked worriedly. “Is there something about her I should know?”
“Well, yeah,” Ben said. “I love my Gran. She’s awesome. She’s one of those women who is tough. She turned this house into a home for orphans during the air raid bombs back in World War II and she went on a pilgrimage to Israel when she was in her forties. And she’s trekked the Great Wall of China and owns an alpaca farm in Argentina. And she used to visit Mother Theresa all the time. Not to mention Gran can make a mean chocolate cake…”
“Rambling again,” I said.
“Sorry,” Ben blushed, “anyway, Gran and I have always gotten along real well. Gran and Mum… not so well. Gran is the original Lady Dawes. Lady Mary Dawes. But before that she was the youngest daughter of the Duke of Worchester… like the sauce? And Gran was not happy that Dad married Mum because even though Mum’s family was sort of well-off, despite the whole Mum wanting to be a hippie and dancing a topless bar bit, Gran totally disapproved because Mum wasn’t blueblood…”
“And since my family is as far from blueblood as you can get,” I finished, “I assume your Gran isn’t going to like me very much easier.”
“And that’s my little tiff, you see,” Ben frowned, “because I don’t care if my mum likes you. Hell, if my mum liked you I’d run the other way. But my Gran… well, I’ve always wanted to impress my Gran and make her happy because she’s always taken such great care of me, being my Gran and all and… I just don’t want to upset or disappoint her. And I’m nervous because I really want her to like you because I do. I mean, I love you Catt, and if she doesn’t…”
“You’ll feel like you have to chose between her and me,” I surmised.
“You’re so lucky that your family thinks I’m a present from heaven,” Ben sighed before flopping on the couch beside me.
“So what if your Gran doesn’t like me?” I ventured. Ben put his arm around me and sighed.
“Then I suppose we’ll have to make her like you,” Ben shrugged.
“And how do you propose doing that?” I asked Ben with a raised eyebrow.
“Maybe we could make up a lineage for you like they did in A Knight’s Tale,” Ben said.
“When have you ever seen that movie? I thought you said Heath Ledger was what happened when cherubs spawned with toilet seats,” I said to Ben.
“I watched it once because one of Kip’s old girlfriends made us,” Ben replied. “It actually wasn’t that bad, save for the whole naked Paul Bettany bit.”
“Really? I thought that was the best part,” I grinned teasingly.
“He’s married and you’re married so don’t think about it,” Ben warned me. “I don’t think something like that would impress Gran very much at all.”
“What do you want me to do? Get a total makeover like one of those cheesy 90s teen movies?” I asked Ben with a snort.
“Maybe we could dress you up in a lot of fancy clothes with fancy perfumes and then pass you off as the heir to some sort of transport conglomerate,” Ben shrugged.
“You want to turn me into Athina Onasis?” I snorted.
“Hotel conglomerate?” Ben suggested.
“Paris Hilton?” I replied.
“Legal family?” Ben said hopefully.
“I’m not a Kennedy, Ben,” I snorted.
“Okay, okay,” Ben said, thinking very hard, “what about if we lied and said you were the illegitimate granddaughter of one of the Rockefellers?”
“Do you really think that lying is going to impress your Gran?” I asked.
“No,” Ben frowned. “You know, impressing Gran wasn’t half as hard until you came along.”
“Well thanks a lot,” I grimaced.
“I didn’t mean that like it sounded,” Ben replied with a heavy sigh. “I just wish I had some sort of magic crystal ball way of telling you if Gran was going to like you or not.”
“Well, Lord Benjamin,” Pemberton said opening the door widely. “You’ll know soon enough. As it turns out, Lady Mary has decided to grace us with her presence a day early. She’s currently waiting for you in the drawing room.”
“You know, until now,” Ben said to me earnestly, “I’ve never been unhappy to see Gran.”
Amy was as much of a whore and general bitch as you would expect out of a girl who has more money than she does intelligence. A halfway sloshed Annabelle later confided to me tearily that Amy had once handed her a skirt that was two years old saying “You can have this. It fits your style and you have enough meat on your bones to wear it, whereas I don’t anymore.” Ben’s mother Beatrice was characterized by several members of the staff in low tones as an “Ice Queen”, “Martha Stewart Perfectionist”, “Wicked Witch”, “The She-Devil”, and “Lady Douchebag”. Ben’s father apparently was never home long enough for the staff to form any really attachments to him, though Pemberton and Earp did mention that Albert Dawes was at least kind enough to get both of them excellent boxes of cigars every year for Christmas.
When I woke up the next morning I almost forgot we were in England. I could hear Ben showering in the next room and the floor was still covered with dirty clothes that Ben had yet to pick up or unpack. It wasn’t until I looked around and saw all of Ben’s old band posters that I remembered exactly where I was. Once Ben was out of the shower, I took a long relaxing bath in the tub, which is roughly the size of your average kiddie swimming pool. It was at that point that I decided I could get used to the whole idea of being a Viscountess. After all, it didn’t seem to get in the way of Ben’s everyday life.
When my bath was over, I got dressed and headed downstairs to breakfast. Let’s just say that I’d never had a four course breakfast before in my entire life. No wonder Ben can eat everything in sight. The Dawes family eats more for breakfast than the entire country of Luxembourg consumes in a month. The only person who didn’t seem to eat ravenously was Amy who was on a no carb diet (even though I caught her sneaking some of the Belgian waffles onto her plate). Ben’s mother didn’t say a word to me or even look in my direction the entire meal and only rambled on about her schedule for today. She was getting a manicure, pedicure, some sort of wax, and having basically near inhumane things done to her body for the sake of beauty.
Albert didn’t pay much attention to his wife but read the business section of the newspaper and harrumphed every now and then at the stock market. Amy actually spent most of breakfast on her cell phone to a couple of friends who were in France while Ben shoveled down all his food faster than I could keep track. When he was done, he just grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the breakfast table without bothering to check if I was finished with my food or letting me said goodbye to his parents, even though they probably wouldn’t have noticed.
“What was that for?” I asked Ben as he dragged me down the main hallway of his house. “Your parents are going to think I’m the rudest person on the planet!”
“Really the last of our worries, Catt,” Ben sighed. “My parents are already furious at me enough. They can’t even begin to think about how you factor in to all of this.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him concerned. Ben took me into a living room I had never seen before in a part of the house I didn’t even know existed, sat me down on the couch in the center of the room, and then began nervously pacing back and forth across the room.
“In the spirit of being honest because we’re married and all,” Ben said finally, “I have some things to tell you.” He paused for a moment.
“Get on with it,” I frowned.
“Okay, well,” Ben sighed, “you already know that my parents froze up all the money they had in my name and I don’t get it back until I’m thirty or whatever. Not to mention that I’m probably going to be disinherited for marrying someone they’d never met before, which mean’s Amy’s getting everything…”
“Starting to ramble and tell me things I already know,” I pointed out.
“Right. Sorry,” Ben blushed. “At any rate, my Gran is coming in tomorrow.”
“Your grandmother?” I asked worriedly. “Is there something about her I should know?”
“Well, yeah,” Ben said. “I love my Gran. She’s awesome. She’s one of those women who is tough. She turned this house into a home for orphans during the air raid bombs back in World War II and she went on a pilgrimage to Israel when she was in her forties. And she’s trekked the Great Wall of China and owns an alpaca farm in Argentina. And she used to visit Mother Theresa all the time. Not to mention Gran can make a mean chocolate cake…”
“Rambling again,” I said.
“Sorry,” Ben blushed, “anyway, Gran and I have always gotten along real well. Gran and Mum… not so well. Gran is the original Lady Dawes. Lady Mary Dawes. But before that she was the youngest daughter of the Duke of Worchester… like the sauce? And Gran was not happy that Dad married Mum because even though Mum’s family was sort of well-off, despite the whole Mum wanting to be a hippie and dancing a topless bar bit, Gran totally disapproved because Mum wasn’t blueblood…”
“And since my family is as far from blueblood as you can get,” I finished, “I assume your Gran isn’t going to like me very much easier.”
“And that’s my little tiff, you see,” Ben frowned, “because I don’t care if my mum likes you. Hell, if my mum liked you I’d run the other way. But my Gran… well, I’ve always wanted to impress my Gran and make her happy because she’s always taken such great care of me, being my Gran and all and… I just don’t want to upset or disappoint her. And I’m nervous because I really want her to like you because I do. I mean, I love you Catt, and if she doesn’t…”
“You’ll feel like you have to chose between her and me,” I surmised.
“You’re so lucky that your family thinks I’m a present from heaven,” Ben sighed before flopping on the couch beside me.
“So what if your Gran doesn’t like me?” I ventured. Ben put his arm around me and sighed.
“Then I suppose we’ll have to make her like you,” Ben shrugged.
“And how do you propose doing that?” I asked Ben with a raised eyebrow.
“Maybe we could make up a lineage for you like they did in A Knight’s Tale,” Ben said.
“When have you ever seen that movie? I thought you said Heath Ledger was what happened when cherubs spawned with toilet seats,” I said to Ben.
“I watched it once because one of Kip’s old girlfriends made us,” Ben replied. “It actually wasn’t that bad, save for the whole naked Paul Bettany bit.”
“Really? I thought that was the best part,” I grinned teasingly.
“He’s married and you’re married so don’t think about it,” Ben warned me. “I don’t think something like that would impress Gran very much at all.”
“What do you want me to do? Get a total makeover like one of those cheesy 90s teen movies?” I asked Ben with a snort.
“Maybe we could dress you up in a lot of fancy clothes with fancy perfumes and then pass you off as the heir to some sort of transport conglomerate,” Ben shrugged.
“You want to turn me into Athina Onasis?” I snorted.
“Hotel conglomerate?” Ben suggested.
“Paris Hilton?” I replied.
“Legal family?” Ben said hopefully.
“I’m not a Kennedy, Ben,” I snorted.
“Okay, okay,” Ben said, thinking very hard, “what about if we lied and said you were the illegitimate granddaughter of one of the Rockefellers?”
“Do you really think that lying is going to impress your Gran?” I asked.
“No,” Ben frowned. “You know, impressing Gran wasn’t half as hard until you came along.”
“Well thanks a lot,” I grimaced.
“I didn’t mean that like it sounded,” Ben replied with a heavy sigh. “I just wish I had some sort of magic crystal ball way of telling you if Gran was going to like you or not.”
“Well, Lord Benjamin,” Pemberton said opening the door widely. “You’ll know soon enough. As it turns out, Lady Mary has decided to grace us with her presence a day early. She’s currently waiting for you in the drawing room.”
“You know, until now,” Ben said to me earnestly, “I’ve never been unhappy to see Gran.”