Dreams

Someone knocked on my bedroom door, and for a quick second, my eyes flickered from the ceiling to the pale, white door.

"Who is it?" I call out, tempted to pull the sheets above my head and pretend I wasn't even alive.

"It's me," a voice says quietly, and my heart pangs. "Can I come in?"

"Go away," I barely whisper. "I don't want to see you. At all."

"Sara..." The door creaks open and I turn my back to him, knowing that if I saw his face, I would fall apart. "Just let me talk."

"Why should I give you a chance to? Give me one decent reason."

"Because I love you," he says without a moment's hesitation.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have cheated on me. It's that simple."

The bed tilts as he sits on the corner and I move further away before he pulls me back down and hovers over me, his hands forming fists on either side of my body, the springs in the mattress creaking.

"Don't you get it?" he breathes, practically begging me to take him back. "I'm so in love with you it hurts when I'm not around you. I get those stupid little flutters in my chest like I did when I first sat next to you on that stupid bench. Seeing you smile makes the happiest man in the world because I know I put that smile on your face. Seeing you cry makes me the most upset, self-loathing piece of shit this universe has ever seen because I hurt you. I purposefully hurt you. I had a choice and I tore the only person I've ever cared about out of my life. I loved you in June, I love you now, and I always will. Forever. I promise."

"I can't trust that promise, Con. I can never be back in love with you. Last night... you - you're as bad as my father."

That was such a lie. Those words broke me more than they should have. I'm so in love with him, it feels like I don't even have a heart when I'm not with him. Forever with him couldn't have been more appealing.

But he broke me. What we had. How can I trust he won't do it again?

Conrad moves his face closer to mine and I have a sharp intake of breath. He would always have this affect on me. Even if I got married to someone else, I wouldn't forget the way he made my skin tingle, the way he kissed me so perfectly it felt like nothing was ever real.

"Sara...don't do this."

I sat up, my face brushing his for a mere split second before I pulled away and got out of my bed. "You already did. Now get out of here, before my mom gets back. G - get out, and...and don't come back. I...d - don't love you anymore. I don't think I ever will be again."

He reached out to me, but I moved back. "Sara, don't do this. I'm never going to let you go. Ever."

"I already have. Now go."

Conrad looked at me, his face collapsing and eyes becoming dark. Stumbling backwards, he rested his hand on the doorknob and said, "If you ever come back, you know where to find me." He gave me a sad smile, a shrug, and continuously blinked. He was fighting back tears.

I turned my back to him and fell onto the window seat while I watched him drive away. My empty sobs were all I had left of him.

*

The next day, my mom came in and gave me a bowl of my favorite cereal: Wheaties. Did Conrad ever know this was my favorite? I can't remember if I ever told him.

I pushed the bowl away and fell asleep.

*

The phone rang and my mother grabbed it as if not to wake me, but I woke up anyway. Within second, she came bounding up the stairs and slammed my door open. "Sara, get up. There's been an accident."

*

I never noticed how blindingly, white hospitals were until I sat in one for seemingly endless hours waiting to hear if the person I loved was alive. If my entire life was slipping down the drain endlessly.

*

The doctor came into the waiting area, my mother's drowsy head on my shoulder and Brenna's mom's hand clasped tightly in mine. "You can see the patient now."

And it was then Conrad decided to show up.

*

The room was pale, like the rest of the building. The beeping was about as annoying as the thrumming in my heart with Conrad right next to me, watching Brenna sleep with cuts and bruises marring her perfect face.

Finally, I couldn't take it and I walked out of the room, a hand covering my mouth, trying to keep a pain-filled scream escape my lungs.

Did everything always have to end?

*

Conrad followed me out and I whipped around, watching him watch me fall apart at the seams. Out of no where, I whispered, "I spent the night at Tyler's after the party."

I watched Conrad process this information, opening his mouth as if to say something before closing it again. "Did you sleep with --?"

I gawk at him and hiss, "I would never. I was just so mad at you, I needed a get my mind off of it. I wanted to get back at you so badly." I took a step toward him and slammed my palm on his chest, anger welling up inside me. "I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me."

"You succeeded," he whispered, backing away from me and shaking his head. "You succeeded."

"Good," I responded, my voice so calm it scared me.

"I guess this wasn't as meant to be as it was supposed to be," he replied.

"Was it ever? Just a summer fling. That's all Brenna and I had bargained for."

Conrad sighed and started to walk down the hall, before stopping and shaking his head slowly. "I don't regret loving you. I regret how it ended. That it even ended in the first place."

"Me, too." I say, before walking back into Brenna's hospital room and closing the door behind me. A nurse told me that my mother and Liz had gone to grab a coffee, and then walked out of the room as I collapsed into one of those uncomfortable, plastic-covered chairs. They were pale too.

*

Grabbing my best friend's hand, I kissed it gently and whispered, "I miss you. I never, ever meant anything I said, and I know you didn't either. I just want the old you back. I want my best friend back. I've lost so much already."

Her heart monitor fluttered for a brief moment and I know she heard me. That she understands.

She was always good at that.