Dreams

"I'm sorry."

"Hmph?" I mumbled, curling into a tighter ball in the hospital chair next to Brenna's bed and tried to force myself back into my dream. Conrad was there. I needed to feel him like I used to and even though it wasn't quite the same, I still needed everything I could get. I missed him.

"Sara...I know you're awake. Listen to me...please."

My eyelids opened and I rubbed the exhaustion from my eyes, blinked a couple times, and finally focused on my best friend's face.

"Brenna..." I tried. I knew what she was going to say, and she didn't have to. This accident was enough for us to finally realize how large the rift that had grown between us had become.

"No, Sara. Let me say this." I rolled my eyes, knowing she would do what she wanted, but couldn't keep the smile off my face when I realized that we were back to normal - just Sara and Brenna again. "I'm sorry for everything this summer. Trying to pair you up with Chad, me getting more than carried away with Ben, ostracizing myself from my own family..." She didn't need to specify that I was included in that one word. "And most of all, I'm sorry for the things I said that day. I honestly didn't mean any of it. To be honest, I'm jealous of you half the time. I --."

"Brenna," I laughed, "Stop. It's fine. You don't need to say anything more. And I'm sorry, too. For not trying to be your friend, but being more absorbed in Conrad." I winced, feeling a pang in my heart when I said his name.

She rose an eyebrow, noticing my discomfort, but didn't say anything, knowing by a swift shake of my head I didn't want to talk about it quite yet. "Later."

Screwing her lips to side, it was paining her that she didn't know, she nodded tersely in agreement. "In due time."

I laughed and stood up, leaning over and giving her a hug. "I missed you."

I felt her smile into my shoulder, nodding. "I missed you, too."

*

A week or so passed and Brenna was discharged with the hospital with only minor cuts and bruises the only evidence of the accident, she became aware of my painful heartbreak, hated Conrad with such a passion I didn't even know was possible, and we started packing for college - together. Like we had planned all along.

We would be driving up to Dartmouth in a week and a half - so soon when, at the beginning of the summer - it seemed light years away. I looked around my half-packed room and smiled wistfully. I would miss this place, and everyone here. Even if...even if they wouldn't miss me.

A car passed by my house and I flew to the window with a sliver of hope that it was Conrad - coming to say that he had to see me before I left, that it felt as if his heart was taken away when I left, which is exactly how I felt. I wasn't whole anymore, and the person who had my other half didn't want to be in my life anymore.

And knowing that hurt the most.

*

It was amazing how quickly the day came. It seemed like just yesterday it was still weeks away, just right out of reach, and yet, I was standing in my driveway, the trunk of the minivan we rented open and slowly becoming full with dorm room and school supplies.

My dad was putting a particularly heavy box in the van (it was clear just from the exertion written all over his red face) when he drove by though. He knew I was leaving today; he knew that after today - for another four months - I wouldn't be around to smile at him, to laugh at his jokes, to hold his hand. Hell, for the rest of his life I wouldn't be able to do that.

He slowed down as he passed, looking at me, and I froze. I swallowed and attempted to look away, to stop that blood from coursing through my veins at such a rate it probably wasn't healthy. I tried, but I obviously didn't even try to try hard enough. I didn't want to. This was my last picture of him.

He gave me a half wave that I returned with a weak smile and a nod, and finally turned away.

I didn't want him to see me cry.