East 12th Street
Back Home, Back to Happiness
The house was relatively quiet as I returned home that evening. I heard the back door rattle and the pounding of small feet on wooden floors. Shutting the door behind me, I turned back around to see Jakob's face eagerly grinning at me.
"Hey, buddy," I said, lovingly picking him up and spinning the three year old in a circle. He giggled clumsily.
Joey followed, Adrienne close behind while looking at her children with adoring eyes. She fell short at the sight of me.
I shooed Jakob and Joey away, explaining I would play a game of baseball with him once I had spoken to their mother. They obliged, leaving Adrienne and me alone.
"Billie, you look terrible - "
"Well, you didn't have to see those kids, did you?" I muttered, the momentary happiness of seeing my own children fading as I remembered those at the orphanage.
She opened her mouth to speak, only to close it and nod understandingly. Her eyes softened and gave me a most sympathetic look.
"Sometimes I feel like I got it lucky," I said quietly, hanging up my coat and placing my keys on the table beside the door. "But seriously, seeing that old house, with the kids so young and not knowing anything but that, it makes me feel - "
"Guilty." Adrienne finished the sentence.
I paused. "Do we spoil our kids, Adie?"
"No." Her voice was short and sudden. "Do not blame yourself for those kids' misfortune, Billie. You and I give our kids all things necessary, something which too many other parents neglect. We give them the opportunity to be themselves, we give them the opportunity to expand on themselves. There is a difference between that, and spoiling them."
"But why did the kids become to unlucky? Why them?" It was as if I was asking the meaning of life as a ten year old.
"Because life isn't fair, Billie. You know that, deep down. You can't fix these things - "
"What if I want to?" I replied fiercely. I had no idea why I was getting so fired up. But the memory of Natalie, alone in her tiny room, dressed in hand me down clothes and faded Converse, was enough to get me started. Pity overwhelmed nearly every inch of my body. And a fierce desire to fix it flooded every spare nook and cranny in me.
Adrienne sighed. "Billie, you've been in a tetchy mood ever since things haven't gone right for you, and its not helping with me, or the kids - "
"Don't bring Green Day into this, Adie, because its not going to fix a damn thing. I'm sick of beeing seen as a spoiled rockstar. Because yes, I have got it good, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help everyone else. The expectation that Green Day is dead and won't release another good album isn't helping. And seeing those kids - what are they going to do with their lives? They don't have the same opportunities that my kids have, or I - "
"Billie Joe Armstrong, you and Green Day earnt your reputation and you know it." Adrienne's stern voice startled me.
"But I got - "
"Do not say that you got it easy earning your fame, because it damn well wasn't."
She didn't understand. No one did.
"You and Green Day worked hard. You, Mike and Tre. First it was you and Mike trying to get into Gilman. And then you taught yourself guitar. You had a large family to protect you, sure, but that doesn't mean you didn't earn your right to be successful."
I felt my fists clenching at my side. Arguing was going to get us nowhere.
"But what about these kids?!"
"Stop bringing them into it! This is your problem, Billie! Trying to help everyone, standing up for the little guy. That's only going to get you so far. I'm behind you all the way, forever and ever, but you have to stop blaming yourself for these kids!"
She was right. But never, in a million years, did I want to admit that I was wrong. And no, I'm not stubborn. At all.
"I'm going for a walk," I said shortly, picking up my coat again and heading out the front door.
Nothing felt right anymore.
"Hey, buddy," I said, lovingly picking him up and spinning the three year old in a circle. He giggled clumsily.
Joey followed, Adrienne close behind while looking at her children with adoring eyes. She fell short at the sight of me.
I shooed Jakob and Joey away, explaining I would play a game of baseball with him once I had spoken to their mother. They obliged, leaving Adrienne and me alone.
"Billie, you look terrible - "
"Well, you didn't have to see those kids, did you?" I muttered, the momentary happiness of seeing my own children fading as I remembered those at the orphanage.
She opened her mouth to speak, only to close it and nod understandingly. Her eyes softened and gave me a most sympathetic look.
"Sometimes I feel like I got it lucky," I said quietly, hanging up my coat and placing my keys on the table beside the door. "But seriously, seeing that old house, with the kids so young and not knowing anything but that, it makes me feel - "
"Guilty." Adrienne finished the sentence.
I paused. "Do we spoil our kids, Adie?"
"No." Her voice was short and sudden. "Do not blame yourself for those kids' misfortune, Billie. You and I give our kids all things necessary, something which too many other parents neglect. We give them the opportunity to be themselves, we give them the opportunity to expand on themselves. There is a difference between that, and spoiling them."
"But why did the kids become to unlucky? Why them?" It was as if I was asking the meaning of life as a ten year old.
"Because life isn't fair, Billie. You know that, deep down. You can't fix these things - "
"What if I want to?" I replied fiercely. I had no idea why I was getting so fired up. But the memory of Natalie, alone in her tiny room, dressed in hand me down clothes and faded Converse, was enough to get me started. Pity overwhelmed nearly every inch of my body. And a fierce desire to fix it flooded every spare nook and cranny in me.
Adrienne sighed. "Billie, you've been in a tetchy mood ever since things haven't gone right for you, and its not helping with me, or the kids - "
"Don't bring Green Day into this, Adie, because its not going to fix a damn thing. I'm sick of beeing seen as a spoiled rockstar. Because yes, I have got it good, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help everyone else. The expectation that Green Day is dead and won't release another good album isn't helping. And seeing those kids - what are they going to do with their lives? They don't have the same opportunities that my kids have, or I - "
"Billie Joe Armstrong, you and Green Day earnt your reputation and you know it." Adrienne's stern voice startled me.
"But I got - "
"Do not say that you got it easy earning your fame, because it damn well wasn't."
She didn't understand. No one did.
"You and Green Day worked hard. You, Mike and Tre. First it was you and Mike trying to get into Gilman. And then you taught yourself guitar. You had a large family to protect you, sure, but that doesn't mean you didn't earn your right to be successful."
I felt my fists clenching at my side. Arguing was going to get us nowhere.
"But what about these kids?!"
"Stop bringing them into it! This is your problem, Billie! Trying to help everyone, standing up for the little guy. That's only going to get you so far. I'm behind you all the way, forever and ever, but you have to stop blaming yourself for these kids!"
She was right. But never, in a million years, did I want to admit that I was wrong. And no, I'm not stubborn. At all.
"I'm going for a walk," I said shortly, picking up my coat again and heading out the front door.
Nothing felt right anymore.