A Hard Headed Woman

The moment of realization hitting me I immediately kicked the man again and took away any of his weapons. That mother fucker was trying to kill me and I wasn’t about to let that happen, this bitch needed to get back home to her own reality not this makeshift movie life.

“Well we weren’t expectin’ ya to be able to do that,” Aldo says looking impressed by my actions. I stood there as they took over holding the man at gunpoint.
“This is really fucked up,” I say more to myself than anyone.
“Come on Arizona, you get to stand by me after that one,” Donny states with a smile as he placed his hand at the small of my back as he led me towards the outside of the circle that seemed to have formed. Aldo began interrogating whilst I tried to comprehend what just happened. Donny nudged me in my arm and I looked up at him.

“What?” I question.
“Where’d ya learn to defend yourself like that?” he asks.
“I’ve got two older brothers,” I answer.
“Your brothers fought with ya a lot?” Donny inquires a little surprised.
“Yeah, we have many a time beat the living shit out of each other, but generally they didn’t fuck with me because according to my pop I can get real mean when I want and scare them senseless,” I say with a soft smile.
“I like that,” he smirks.
“Donny git ova here,” Aldo orders.
“Well that’s me, try not to miss me too much,” Donny winks as he went over to Aldo.

I shook my head at him as he strutted over to where Aldo was. Soon Aldo was carving a swastika onto the man’s forehead and the sounds of the man screaming filled the air. I was submersed in the fact I was seeing this happen right before my eyes. It looked pretty damn real to me. After Aldo finished and they let the man run free, Aldo started heading towards me as he wiped the blood from his blade.

“So being that yer gonna be runnin’ with us, I need to know I can trust ya, can I trust yew Amber?” Aldo questions.
“Yeah you can trust me Aldo,” I nod.
“Do ya know how to shoot a gun at all?” he asks.
“Pull the trigger and it goes bang,” I reply.
“So have ya shot a gun before?” Aldo continues.
“My pop has taken me out to shoot a few times, but I don’t have much of an aim to be honest,” I say biting my bottom lip.
“I’ll be the judge of that; here take this handgun and try to shoot that dead Nazi all the way over there,” he says as he handed me a gun.

I held the gun in my left hand and looked at the body Aldo had been talking about. It was about twenty yards away. Raising the gun I placed my right hand on the other side of the gun to steady myself and took a deep breath looking down the barrel of the gun. I let out the breath and pulled the trigger, the pistol had a bit of a kick to it but I held strong seeing the bullet barely graze the head of the Nazi.

“Not too bad, better than Hirschberg,” Aldo says with a nod. I let out a small chuckle.
“Guess that’s a good thing,” I say with a smile.
“You smile an awful lot,” he states giving me a funny look. Then again when wasn’t he giving a funny look? It was like the man was smelling shit all the time. But he was pretty good looking, that much I could admit even if he was a fictional character.

“Is that against the rules? If so can it not apply to me, it’s a really bad habit of mine,” I reply.
“No that’s fine,” Aldo says walking off.

It was strange the whole situation and the men seemed only want to get my attention but I guess that had a lot to do with they hardly get to be around women. To be honest I didn’t like all the attention because in my world I was just one of the guys, an equal among them but here it was a different story. The whole thing was too weird considering they were all supposed to be fictional characters in a Quentin Tarantino movie that I have many a times wanted to bang most of them.

In a way it was kind of funny and I decided that this was my chance to get to know these crazy characters first hand which was great because I thought there weren’t enough scenes with the Basterds.

So I did what I was told and began walking along with a song stuck in my head. The song I had in mind that had me swaying as I walked and singing very softly to myself was I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked by Ida Maria. I kept my eyes on the ground before me because I didn’t want to trip and fall as I sang to myself softy.

“All the clever, things I should say to you, they got stuck somewhere, stuck between me and you, oh I’m nervous, I don’t know what to do, light a cigarette, only smoke when I’m with you, whoa ooh, what the hell do I do that for? You’re just another guy, okay you’re kinda sexy but you’re not really special, but I won’t mind if you take me home, come on take me home, I won’t mind if you take off all your clothes, come on take them off, cuz I like you so much better when you’re naked,” I sang softly.

“Is that an invitation?” Donny questions huskily in my ear. His sudden presence scared the hell out of me and my arms flung out causing my fist to connect with his throat. Donny began coughing from the punch he received in the trachea.

“Don’t sneak up on me fool,” I say as I heard Hugo chuckle lightly at the scene that had just transpired.
“How’s trying to seduce her going Bear Jew?” Hugo teases Donny before walking ahead of us.
“Oh shut it Stiglitz,” Donny growls narrowing his eyes at Hugo.
“You’re trying to seduce me?” I counter looking at Donny wide eyed.
“Maybe,” he replies smirking at me.
“Oh joy another thing to worry about,” I retort sarcastically as I walked away from him.

I found myself walking alongside of Smithson Utivich who kept glancing at me at the corner of his eye sort of like my brother’s small Chihuahua would; skittish man he was but kind of cute in his own way. A smirk crept on my face and kept walking ahead not without glancing back at Smithson giving a bright reassuring smile.

“Alright boys,” Aldo starts to say turning around then looked at me, “and girl, we are going to scope out that there house, looks abandoned but we can never be too sure so Donny, Amber, and Omar ya take the right side, Wicki, Stiglitz, and Utivich ya take the left side the rest of ya split up and take the front and back.”

I wanted to protest but instead I shrugged and walked with Donny as well as Omar, gun in hand.

“Don’t worry I won’t let any big bad Nazis get you,” Donny says with a smirk.
“Yeah because what use am I to you if I’m dead? Then again I hear seducing dead girls doesn’t take much effort,” I retort keeping my eyes focused on my surroundings.

Omar tried to stifle his laughter by covering his mouth whilst Donny glared at him. Something tugged at me inside and I felt like we were being watched. I brought my gaze to the forest where I saw nothing.

“Great now I’m paranoid,” I mutter under my breath.
“What’d you say?” Donny questions.
“Nothing, the area is all clear,” I answer as I glanced back to the spot seeing that there was still nothing there.

Truly I thought I was going completely insane at least I hoped that was what was wrong with me because well this was just too absurd to be real. The feeling of someone placing their hand on my waist brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Donny looking down at me with a devilish smile. I noticed Omar was gone and Donny was backing me up against the wall of the house.

“This is not going to happen, bear boy,” I state giving him a stern look.
“What’s not going to happen?” Donny replies innocently as his hot breath spilled onto my neck.
“Grr,” I respond frustrated as I shoved him away and stalked off. I heard him let out a chuckle behind me and I joined the rest of the Basterds most of them giving me weird looks.
“Thanks for leaving me alone with Bear Boy, Omar,” I say sardonically as I smacked him upside the head. The Basterds laughed heartily.
“Sorry,” Omar replies rubbing the back of his head.
“That’s not very nice of you to call me Bear Boy, I prefer Bear Man,” Donny says behind me. Before I could do anything Donny lifted me up bridal style in his arms causing me to let out a squeak of surprise.

“Fine I’ll call you something else, how’s Furry Fuckface?” I retort.
“That doesn’t work either,” he states.
“Ugh just put me down,” I say annoyed as I struggled to get out of his grasp.
“Nope, think of something nicer to call me,” Donny says childishly as he tightened his grip on me.
“I have been captured by the mind boggling creature many have sought after, the very dim witted and hairy Sasquatch,” I reply dramatically as laughter erupted from the men.
“You’re a regular comedian,” he responds.
“Release me beast before I am forced to take drastic measures,” I order.
“Such as?” Donny counters amused.
“This,” I say as I turned my head to the side and bit his neck. Donny unexpectedly dropped me and I fell on my ass in the middle of the floor.
“Fuck I think you drew blood,” he scolds holding his neck.
“Oh quit being a baby, I think I broke my coccyx because of you dropping me like that,” I state as I sat up with a pain in my ass.
“What’s a coccyx?” Kagan questions.
“The triangular bony structure located at the bottom of the vertebral column. It is composed of three to five bony segments held in place by joints and ligaments,” I answer but he stared at me like a confused puppy with his head tilted to the side, “Ass bone.”

“What are ya a nurse of some sorts?” Aldo asks giving me a questioning look.
“No, just read a lot of books back home,” I respond shaking my head with a smile.
“Ya married back home?” Omar inquires.
“No,” I laugh.
“Why’s that funny?” Wilhelm questions intrigued with my response.
“It’s a whirlwind of complications and contradictions but in a nutshell marriage isn’t going come easy with me unless vast amounts of whiskey are involved,” I state pointedly.
“What does that even mean?” Donny asks.
“It means I’d have to be a drunken fool to ever get married, then again I am a glutton for punishment maybe marriage is the best solution,” I answer musing over my words.
“You are comparing marriage to punishment?” Omar inquires incredulously.

“Well it certainly can be, I mean take you boys for instance, you’re all pretty good looking but in my books good looking wears off real fast when you start whining and complaining to me like I’m your mother, I like my space and when I’m stuck with someone for the rest of my life it’d be nice that they didn’t annoy me to the point of insanity, marriage isn’t something that can be forced, it has to be fluid and natural not done on a sheer whim, otherwise you find yourself in your own personal prison wanting to get out,” I rant.

After my rant the men stared at me shocked, amused, confused, and various other emotions prevalent in their stares.
“Have you been married before?” Kagan questions.

“Yes, but there was a tragic accident where he ran into my kitchen knife repeatedly,” I answer trying to hold in the smile that threatened to form.

By the look of their faces I could literally imagine the gears turning in their heads. I could no longer hold in my laughter. I looked over and saw Hugo smirking a little leading me to believe he had understood that I wasn’t serious about having had a husband.

“That’s not funny,” Utivitch states.
“To me it’s very funny, the look on your faces was priceless, of course I haven’t been married before,” I chuckle. The men shook their heads at me and the room became quiet until I heard a familiar sound, faint playing of the guitar filtrated my ears then a terribly out of tune singing soon followed.

The horrid singing was far too familiar and I immediately got up running out the door before anyone could catch me. I knew that voice.