You're Gone

I think the fact that I hadn't really thought much about it made it approach me much quicker than I realized.

The truth was I had spent a lot of my time trying to distract myself from everything Oliver had ever said to me. And I'm talking about the good things too. Because it was so much harder now because of what had happened in the past. Had he never told me he loved me, had we never shared those perfectly intimate little conversations, had our previous relationship been different, this all wouldn't hurt so much.

"'re yeh ready fer tonigh'?" Dylan asked, poking her head into my bedroom. Tom was hanging off the end of my bed rummaging through my vast collection of DVDs. I was sitting at the head of my bed, my back pressed up against the wall as I waited for him to finally pick something. Both of our eyes snapped up as Dylan spoke, but mine remained there longer. Tom must've known what she was talking about, but I was clueless.

"Wha's tonigh'?" I asked, looking back and forth between both Dylan and Tom. They exchanged a look as well before Dylan focused her attention back on me.

"Tha show," she stated simply.

"Wha' show?"

"Record release," Tom piped up. He pushed himself into a sitting position and glanced over at me. "Tha guys 're playin' their entire CD at a show tonigh'."

"An' yeh fhink I'm goin'?" I inquired.

"Of course," Tom and Dylan coursed.

"Yeh 'ave ta support yehr friends, Tristan," Dylan said.

I sighed deeply. I couldn't deny that. And honestly, I really did want to see the guys perform. I had fond memories of watching their shows and I was certainly intrigued to hear about the "new sound" they had that Lee babbled on and on about. But the nerves that were still tearing through me about the content of the album was almost paralyzing. And I knew my being at the show wouldn't help Oliver at all. And I didn't want to be responsible for ruining the show.

But I knew I was going to end up going, whether it meant me going willingly or me getting dragged there.

So that's how I ended up at the venue, standing backstage awkwardly as Oliver pretended I wasn't there. I was just trying to be positive and honestly, the boys were actually all making it semi easy. They were all so damn excited, and I don't even think they thought twice about their nerves. I mean, obviously they were there, but they didn't let them show.

"Yeh guys ready?" Amanda walked over to Dylan and I as we sat on the couch with Jona and Lee.

"Fer wha'?" I asked, confused.

"We're gonna stand on the balcony fer tha show," Dylan explained to me. "'s a perfect view."

Everything was almost a blur because the next thing I knew I was standing on the balcony sandwiched in-between Dylan and Amanda and all I could hear was a the melodic sound of a guitar. The lights were all low on stage, but I could faintly make out the figures of Lee, Jona, Vegan, and Matt. They all stood in their places completely still, while Lee played the opening chords to the first track on There is a Hell Believe Me I've Seen It, There is a Heaven Let's Keep it a Secret. There was a brief moment of silent from the stage just before everyone started to play, thrashing wildly about on stage, Oliver making his debut as he ran out to center stage and preceded to hunch his body over as he screamed into his microphone.

I had learned to decipher his screams early on. The more you listen, the better chance you had at understanding what he was screaming. And although I couldn't understand every word leaving his mouth, I got the majority of it. The important parts at least.

The first song they all played, which we found out was called Crucify Me after they had finished, hit me hard. Hearing them all chant "Pray for the dead" was hard, and I gripped the railing in front of me tightly making my knuckles turn white in only a matter of seconds. Memories were racing through my mind almost as quickly as the boys were playing. Flashbacks to that night hitting me square in the gut.

The next two songs, entitled Anthem and It Never Ends were thankfully not about me. They weren't about our relationship, or what we had both lost. At first, I had thought It Never Ends was about me, its lyrics mirroring some of my own feelings towards our situation, but upon further thought I realized it was about Oliver's struggle with fame. It hadn't been the first time I heard it either; they had released the single and video a few weeks before the record came out. However, hearing the words, "Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Every day. It never ends, it never ends." echoing throughout the venue, and hearing the crowd chant it back to Oliver sent chills up and down my spine.

And then came Fuck. Josh Franceschi, a good friend of the band's and front man of You Me At Six, came out on stage to join Oliver in the vocals. Fuck was Oliver's own version of a love song. Fuck was about missing someone while being away on tour. Fuck was about Amanda.

"I swear, I'm tha only girl in the world who has a song about them named Fuck. Can wait ta tell me parents tha' one," she joked.

Her words were white noise to me. My eyes hadn't left the stage once, and my heart hadn't stopped beating out of my chest since I heard the first few chords Lee had played.

The song was fast and heavy, and it seems as though the fans all had a proper good time moshing to it. But as the song ended, violins filled the air and everyone began to wind down. The soft sound of violins wasn't something you would usually equate with a Bring Me the Horizon gig, but here they were, playing loudly throughout the venue. My heart clenched, and I could actually feel a physical ache course through my body as Oliver began the vocals.

Unlike most of the other songs, he wasn't screaming. He was yelling. He was putting all of his feelings into this song. He was yelling at something, and just as he allowed his voice to become it's most vulnerable, just as he let his voice reach his most pitiful sounding and the words "God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything." left his mouth and the chorus began, my jaw dropped.

He was yelling at me.

The sounds of his howls filled my entire soul and I felt every word he was yelling. My fingers and toes tingled, my stomach curled and my vision began to get blurry from tears I hadn't even known were being produced. I didn't let them fall though. And then came Lights, her much lighter voice was a vast contrast to Oliver's rough vocals. And then they went back and forth, and I could barely hold the tears anymore. There was a pause in the vocals as the rest of the band put their talents to use with a emotion filled instrumental break. And just as soon as it began it had stopped again, and both Lights and Oliver were howling into their microphones again, Oliver's body shaking from yelling so hard. As the song began to wind down and it was only Lights lightly repeating the words "Don't go" over and over again Oliver fell to the ground, his body in a heap on the middle of the stage. And then he began to scream again from the ground- "Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you need me."

The song was over then. And Lights exited the stage.

"'re yeh okay?" Dylan whispered to me.

All I could do was nod. My entire body was on fire.

Home Sweet Hole hit me just as hard. "Because I'm staring at the devil and the truth of it is, he's a lot more familiar than I'd care to admit. If only I could focus, maybe if I could see. If I didn't know any better, I would say he looks just like me.". It was the first time I had heard him admit that maybe everything wasn't my fault. That maybe he felt slightly responsible. That maybe I wasn't the only horrible on in this situation.

The songs all started to blur together. Particular lines would hit me hard and momentarily everything would slow, and then it would pick back up just as quickly.

"This song is called Blessed with a Curse," Oliver yelled to the crowd. Maybe it was my blurry eyes. Or lack of perception of anything but Oliver and the words leaving his lips. Maybe it was the fact that my heart was beating so loudly in my ears that I could barely hear anything above the constant thump.

But from where I was standing, even from the distance we were away from each other, Oliver caught my eye.

"Ever since this began, I was blessed with a curse."

And then I was back in that apartment.

"And for better or for worse I was born into a hearse."

And then we were laying in bed together.

"I know I said my heart beats for you. I was lying girl, it beats for two."

And then he was telling me he loved me.

"Because I got your love and I got these vices."

And then he was sticking a needle in my arm.

"Take back every word I've said, ever said to you."

And now he was looking directly at me.

Everything I touch turns to stone, so wrap your arms around me, and leave me on my own."

Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks. My breath caught in my throat and my face was turning red because of the lack of oxygen to my brain. My knees buckled from beneath me. My whole entire body was shaking with sobs. And then I was running, ignoring Dylan's calls and ignoring all the signs my body was giving me to just fall down and cry. I ran until my feet couldn't carry me anymore. Until my legs gave out from underneath me. Until I was outside of the venue, the sounds of the band still playing and vibrating the entire venue. Blessed with a Curse was over, and their last song was playing.

I fell to the ground as the last words of the night were screamed brutally from Oliver's lips.

"Revive me."

And then I was back in the hospital.