You're Gone

I stole a copy of the new album from Lee and played it constantly. I read the lyrics until I knew them all by heart. Until I memorized every single sound that was emitted from the speakers. And somehow, it all made me happy. Hell, even our argument in his hallway made me happy.

Because it all gave me hope that somewhere deep down inside of him he wanted to forgive me. His writing was just as cryptic as ever, but I had been there. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I had seen the Hell he wrote about, and I knew of the Heaven he so desperately wanted to keep a secret.

But as much hope as the album and our argument filled me with, I couldn't help but feel...sad. Sad because the only person I could relate to, the only person who would understand every ounce of pain I had gone through, and was still going through, the only person who I knew could make my guilt lessen was the same person who wanted nothing to do with me.

"Yeh seem ta be loads 'appier," Dylan commented a bit later in the week as we washed dishes together. "Wha' 'appened."

"I went ta 'is flat tha other night," I blurted out without really thinking much about it. I still hadn't told her about my late night quarrel with my ex-whatever and hadn't really planned on it either. There were some things people just didn't need to know.

"Oli's?" She inquired curiously. I nodded. "Why?"

"It was after tha gig..." I scratched the top of my head awkwardly. "I jus'....I needed ta talk wiff 'im."

"Was Amanda there?" She asked.

"No," I shook my head quickly. "I was jus' 'bout ta knock when he creeped up behind me. 'e hadn't been 'ome yet, I guess," I shrugged.

"An' wha' did yeh talk about?"

"Tha show...tha songs..."

Dylan sighed deeply and grabbed a paper towel to dry her hands. She placed one of her hands on the counter and the other on her hip as she cast her gaze to the ground, no doubt thinking of the proper words to use. Dylan was always particularly thoughtful when it came to things like this. I could always count on her to mean everything she said.

"Do yeh love 'im?" She asked.

My jaw dropped.

I hadn't expected her to ask me that. Dylan had never asked me about my relationship with Oliver. Not even when I was in it. I mean, she occasionally would ask how things were but we never went into detail. I couldn't exactly pin point the reason why- perhaps she was ashamed of it- but it was simply never brought up. But now here she was asking if after two years, after everything that had happened, if I still loved Oliver Sykes.

My answer was clear, of course I still loved him. But sometimes love meant loving someone enough to know when they weren't good for you. And maybe I had to accept that fact that maybe Amanda was better for him than I was. That maybe he was better off without me. None of this had an effect on how I felt about him though. Because that's not something I could control; trust me, I had tried.

"I-I, I mean- uh, yeah, I uh, I do," I stuttered my clumsily through my words. Dylan sighed.

"I don't mean this in a 'orrible way Tristan, but Oliver 'as Amanda now. An' they're 'appy. They really 're. 's been two years since yeh left, since whatever 'appened between yeh two 'appened. 's gonna be 'ard to re-build yeh relationship," she explained as tenderly as possible. "But I love yeh, Tristan. Yeh know I do. I jus' don't want yeh gettin' hurt like yeh did before."

"I fhink 'e feels somefhing too Dyl," I admitted sheepishly, my cheeks setting themselves ablaze. "Yeh 'eard the songs," I chewed on my lip. "An' 'e wants me gone so bad...I fhink it might be because 'e knows he'll fall again..."

Dylan looked at me with sad eyes.

She never had to deal with this. Her and Lee's relationship had always been perfect. I remember early on they had a few fights, and once when BMTH really started taking off they almost broke up because of the constant touring, but she never had to second guess Lee's love for her. She never sat up late at night wondering if he loved her or not, because she always knew she did. She never had to look into his words, because she knew he was always being honest. She never had to guess about his motivs, because he always told her exactly what he thought. And same went for him.

I had always envied her for not only having love, but for a love that seemed to come so fucking easily.

"Yeh can't jus' sit 'ere an' wonder 'bout these fhings Tristan, yeh 'ave ta talk to 'im. This isn't jus' 'bout yeh an' 'im anymore. There's someone else involved, someone who cares 'bout 'im a whole bloody lot. An' someone 'e cares 'bout too."

"Dylan if yeh jus' knew..." I took a deep and shaking breath, steadying myself by grabbing the sink.

"Yeh can tell me," she prompted me.

"But I can't...not now. Not yet," I shook my head.

As much as I knew that telling Dylan may have helped me, I refused to do so until I had talked about it with Oliver. And because I wasn't sure that would ever happen, I wasn't sure I would ever tell anyone. And maybe that wasn't a good idea, and maybe it was stupid to keep all of this inside. But I didn't think I had another option, really.

"I understand," Dylan nodded. And I knew she didn't understand. But I knew she was trying.

"Do yeh fhink I'm bein' stupid?" I asked, my voice barely louder than a whisper.

"I-" she began, but quickly cut herself off. "No. I jus'...I jus' wish fhings were easier for yeh. Yeh deserve it Tristan," she smiled.

I wondered if she was right- if I did deserve to be happy. Because I wasn't so sure I did. The enormous guilt I had to live with every day told me I didn't. It told me that all of my unhappiness now was all just karma for all of the horrible things I had done in my past.

"Oh," she added as she chewed on her lip awkwardly. "I forgot ta tell yeh..."

"What?" I asked, horror flashing across my eyes.

"People are comin' over tonigh'," she told me carefully.

"Like a party?" I asked slowly.

"Like a party," she confirmed. "'s jus' yeh we're in a good mood! I ruined it didn't I? Ugh, I'm so sorry Tristan. I didn't mean ta make yeh fhink about fhings and fuck it all up for yeh."

"No! 's fine. Really," I nodded, forcing a smile. "I wanna see tha guys."

"Really?" She asked, making sure I wasn't lying.

"Mhm," I nodded furiously.

And maybe she knew I was half lying to her, but she didn't say a thing. And now that I think of it, I probably should have thanked her. Because letting me lock myself in my room constantly wasn't conducive to me in any way. Getting me out, keeping me around friends, that was something I was thankful for. And Dylan, well, I wasn't ever sure if I deserved her as a best friend. But regardless of whether or not deserved her as a friend, I was thankful to have her.