You're Gone

"They're leavin' soon yeh know," Dylan told me over breakfast the next morning.

"Oh," I mumbled, pushing my cereal around.

"So 're yeh gonna tell me wha' 'appened las' nigh'?" She asked.

"Nofhin'," I shrugged. "We talked," I stated. "'e cried..." I added.

"'e cried?!" She exclaimed. "Wha' did yeh do?"

"I asked 'im if 'e wanted me ta call Amanda," I whispered quietly.

"Yeh wha'?!"

"I freaked out!" I yelled. "I 'ad no idea wha' ta do Dyl. I was so used ta 'im treatin' me like proper shit."

She frowned at me, "Well obviously 'e wanted ta talk about wha' 'appened between yeh guys, an' yeh jus' walked away?"

"No," I shook my head. "I stuck up for me self."

She blinked once, her face expressionless for a while before a huge smile spread across her face. She launched herself across the table, knocking over and successfully breaking two glasses as she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

"Oh Tristan," she breathed, her grip getting tighter. "I'm so fuckin' proud of yeh!"

"But 's no good," I mumbled into her hair. She pulled away slowly then, glancing down at me carefully.

"Why's tha'?" She asked.

"I fhink I shoulda jus' listened ta 'im yeh know?" I asked, glancing up at her awkwardly. "Who knows when 'e'll wanna talk ta me again, yeah? 'e probably 'ates me forever now."

Dylan laughed lightly at this as she lowered herself down into her seat. "I don't fhink it's humanly possible for 'im ta 'ate yeh."

The boys were all over later that night and it was nice to just feel comfortable with them. It was nice to laugh and joke around. It was nice to smile and listen to their tour stories. It made me remember how much I missed them while I was in Bournemouth.

"An' 'e was totally naked! Like, 'e started ta play wiff 'is guitar by his crotch but then towards the end 'e jus' showed everyone his huge cock," Matt laughed, his thick accent even thicker as he tried to tell the story of how Jona played a song naked on stage through his hysterics.

"Oh my gosh," I shook my head, blushing slightly as I glanced over at the guitarist.

He just smiled and shrugged, " I just had ta show everyone what I'm workin' with."

Everyone laughed then, hunched over with tears in their eyes as the boys kept ragging on Jona and how he always seemed to be naked. Dylan was the only one who heard the buzzer ring and she got up to signal our take-out to come upstairs.

Only it wasn't our take out.

It was Amanda.

And she was in hysterics. And not the kind the rest of us had just been in. Two thick streams of black make-up were trailed down her cheeks and Dylan took one look at her before pushing her back out into the hallway and shutting the door behind them.

I probably shouldn't have gotten up and walked towards the door. I probably should have just ignored the whole situation and focused on being happy and spending time with my friends. I probably should have just kept listening to the boys' crazy stories.

But I didn't.

"Tristan," Vegan called out softly to be as I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob. I whipped my head around quickly, my hair flying all around me. My eyes were wide as I looked at him. "Maybe yeh should jus' stay 'ere," he suggested. The three other pairs of pleading eyes told me he was right. My head thought something completely different though as I turned myself back around and pulled the door open.

Amanda and Dylan both snapped their heads in my direction. Dylan's eyes held the same pleading look the boys' did and as soon as Amanda saw me she started to cry harder. I barely flinched as she threw her face back down into her hands. Dylan sighed and then turned back to Amanda.

"'s okay," she cooed as she rubbed her back. "Is everyfhin' okay? Is Oli okay? 're yeh okay?" She fired off.

"Jus' peachy," she muttered as she lifted her head up again, wiping her swollen eyes with the with the sleeve of her hoodie.

"So no one's hurt?" Dylan clarified.

"No," she took a deep breath as she raised her eyes towards me. I suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. I guess it was because deep down, I knew she was crying because of something I had indirectly done to hurt her. I wasn't sure what exactly it was, but I knew her tears were caused because of me. "Oli's jus'....'e's really 'ard to deal wiff righ' now, yeh know? I mean, we celebrated our two year this month an' now everyfhin's jus' gone to shit," she sucked in a shaky breath. Her eyes were still on me. We all knew this. And we all ignored this. "I thought I could be the one who fixed 'im," she let her eyes fall to the floor as she shook her head softly. "I was fuckin' stupid."

I started to run.

I didn't have the faintest ideas of what I was going to say to him when I saw him. Hell, I didn't even knew if I had the courage to actually speak to him once I got to his flat. But I kept running. And even though my lungs were burning and my head was spinning, I didn't stop running. I guess it was that good sort of pain, you know, the kind that let you know you were still alive.

I didn't stop running until I reached his door, and by then I was hunched over trying to catch my breath. He must've heard me. Or maybe he just knew. Either way, the door swung open and Oliver was standing there in a Drop Dead sweater and a pair of skinny jeans, his saucer like eyes just as wide as ever.

"Wha're yeh doin' 'ere?" He asked, his hand still on the door as he stared down at me.

"Why did yeh make 'er cry?!" I yelled at him, pushing at his chest lightly. He stared at me with wide eyes, his eyebrow shooting up under his hair.

"Wha're yeh even talkin' about?" He exploded.

"Make me cry all yeh wan', but she doesn't deserve it! An' I know she was cryin' because of me! An' I can't deal with tha'! So learn 'ow ta deal wiff yehr emotions!" I shoved him back again.

"Yeh 'ave no idea wha' yeh're talkin' about," he shook his head.

"Yeah I do!" I screamed. "I'm talkin' about yeh bein' a fuckin' jerk off!"

"Sorreh that I'm fuckin' shit at everyfhin' ok?"

"Don't yeh fuckin' guilt trip me," I poked at his chest one more time and he grabbed my wrist roughly.

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel his lips against mine. It had been so fucking long, after all. And after everything that had happened, I guess kissing him again was one of the last things on my mind. I mean, of course I wanted to. As far as I was concerned, I would always want to kiss Oliver, but after a while I suppose it just sort of drifted down on my list of priorities.

But now that it was happening, now that his warm lips were mashed against my own and he had pulled my body flush against his own, kissing him was the only thing on my mind. Feelings I had long suppressed were suddenly flowing through my body so fast my head was spinning. We were being anything my gentle with each other; both of our hands were scrambling against the other's bodies. Oliver's hands finally settled under my butt and I jumped up, wrapping my legs around his tiny waist as he stumbled back into his flat, kicking the door shut behind him.

He slammed my back against the wall, rattling the pictures that hung there and even knocking one to the ground. The sound of shattering glass went unnoticed as I reacquainted my fingers with his hair. It was the first time I could remember tugging on it without pieces of it getting wrapped around my fingers and falling out. As his lips left my now swollen lips and trailed their way down to my neck I gasped lightly as he went right to my spot. His hands were frantic as they found their way up my shirt and I gasped again at the coldness of the skin against mine. His lips trailed further down my neck until they reached my collar bone. They only detached themselves from my skin to pull my shirt over my head.

I let my fingers fall down to his jaw as I cupped his face with my hands and forced him to look at me. I took in a long and shaky breath as our eyes locked. If I wanted to be cliché about something as intense as the emotions I felt as we shared a look I wasn't sure I'd ever experience again, I'd tell you it was like electricity through my entire body. I'd tell you how I shuddered and how I wanted nothing more at that moment than to just lay in bed with him forever staring at him just like that. I'd tell you how much I fucking missed him. And how much I still missed him even though I was just as close to him as I had ever been in two years. His eyes searched my face for a while before he pushed his lips to mine again.

"Wha're we doin'?" I mumbled against his pink lips.

His head fell into the crook of my neck as he sighed, " I fhought tha' was pretteh obvious."

"We can't," I told him. He let me slide down the wall until my feet hit the ground. His fingers were running through his hair as he turned around and took a few steps away, his other hand settled against his hip. "I didn't mean ta upset yeh Oliver...." my voice trailed off as his head snapped around again.

"So yeh jus' fhought yeh'd come 'ere kiss meh an' then jus' stop an' expect it ta be okay?" He asked, his eyebrow arched. His voice showed no signs of anger, but I knew he'd be angry with the next thing I said.

"Yeh 'ave a girlfriend," I told him simply. "One who's wonderful. I'm not about ta give 'er another reason ta cry."

"Yeh don't understand Tris," he muttered under his breath. "An' tha's none of yehr business, yeah?"

"Wha's none of me business?" I shot back at him.

"Amanda an' I," he said.

"I'm not about ta ruin 'er life," I glared.

"Yeh seemed ta be jus' fine ruining me life," he countered, turning around again swiftly. My jaw dropped as I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly very aware I was standing in front of him in nothing more than my bra.

"An' yeh fhink tha's gonna make me wanna kiss yeh again?!" I screeched. "Yeh're mental!"

"'s tha truth!" He snapped. "I'm never gonna be fuckin' normal again!"

"An' yeh fhink I will?! Yeh realleh 're mental! I fuckin' felt it Oliver! I fuckin' felt everyfhin'! An' yeh jus' left me there in tha' fuckin' 'ospital all alone. Yeh made me feel like it was all my fault! Yeh made me feel so fuckin' guilty tha' I wanted ta fuckin' die, okay?" My voice became unstable as I sucked in another breath. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back. "'ow could yeh do tha' ta someone yeh love?" I asked, lowering my head and looking him dead in his honey eyes.

He was genuinely speechless.

"I didn't fhink yeh'd 'ave anyfhin' ta say ta tha'," I muttered.

"'s 'ard," he murmured, his eyes low to the ground.

"'s 'ard on me too! Tha world doesn't revolve around yeh!" I glowered. "'s not fuckin' fair!" I yelled, a few tears leaking out of my eyes. "An' I'm sick of fuckin' cryin' over yeh!" I wiped my tears away quickly, just hoping he wouldn't actually see them.

"I guess tha's all I'm good at, yeah?" He shoved his hands in his pockets, his shoulders rising up as he shrugged. "Makin' birds cry?"

"Until yeh learn 'ow ta deal wiff yehrself then I guess so," I shrugged as well. I grabbed my shirt, pulled it back on over my head, and walked out of his flat.

He didn't chase after me. And I guess I didn't expect him to.