You're Gone

It was easy to forget Amanda was back at my flat while I walked home wallowing in complete shame and guilt. So imagine my face when I finally walked through the door and saw her sitting on my couch with a steaming mug of tea clasped between her slender fingers. She was also wearing a pair of my sweatpants, which left me scratching my head as to how her long legs fit into them, but that was the least of my worries at the moment.

"Tristan!" Dylan yelled when she saw me. "Where tha 'ell did yeh run off to? We were wonderin' where yeh went!"

"I was jus'-"

"Oh, I gave Amanda a pair of yeh sweats ta wear, she's gonna stay ova tonigh' if tha's okay wiff yeh," she cut me off, like the thought had just entered her mind. We both turned around slightly and set our eyes to Amanda who was now shifting awkwardly on the couch.

"I'm sure I could stay wiff someone else if yeh don't wan' me 'ere...." she trailed off, her voice sad. I could tell she still wanted to cry and my heart just plummeted into my stomach when I thought about what I had just been doing. And what I could have still been doing if I hadn't gathered enough will power to push him away.

"No!" I responded my voice cracking. I had answered probably a bit too quickly for both Dylan and Amanda's liking and confusion was written all over their faces.

"'re yeh okay?" Dylan asked, an eyebrow raised as she placed her hand on my shoulder.

"I went ta Oliver's flat," I blurted out.

Amanda's eyes went wide and Dylan bit down hard on her lip. I knew I had put her in one of the shittest situations she could possibly be in, and while I felt bad I had to get everything off of my chest. Keeping everything inside for two years had done me absolutely no good and at this point I guess I had nothing to lose. If things blew up in my face, I had a small comfort in the fact I knew things couldn't possibly get any worse.

"Why?" Amanda's voice was small as she asked this. I immediately threw out the idea of telling her I had kissed him and probably would have done a lot more if my brain hadn't kicked in at the last second.

"I 'ad ta yell at 'im fer makin' yeh cry," I admitted honestly, though I wasn't sure if she'd believe me.

"Maybe we should all sit down," Dylan suggested, and I complied. Dylan took a seat next to Amanda on the love seat while I fell back into the arm chair that was next to it.

"'e didn't 'ave a righ' ta make yeh cry Amanda," I took in a long breath as I spoke. "'e can make me cry as much as 'e wants, but yeh, yeh're practically perfect. An' yeh good fer 'im. 'e needs yeh," I added, my eyes focusing anywhere but the brunette's face.

"Yeh know yeh don't deserve ta cry eifher Tristan," Dylan told me sternly. I glanced up at her and frowned deeply before putting my eyes back down to my hands.

"Maybe I do," I whispered.

"Wha're yeh sayin'?" She asked, her voice just as small.

"I killed 'im," I said, my voice deadpan.

You could have heard a pin drop, hair grow, an eyelash hit the ground; that's how quiet the room became after the words had left my lips. Both Amanda and Dylan looked equal parts confused and horrified and it was then I realized that maybe I had chosen the wrong words.

"Wha'?" Dylan's voice cracked as she spoke.

"I...well we....I jus'," I was tongue tied.

How exactly do you explain the worst day of your entire life? And to your best friend and ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend no less! I was sure it was impossible. Words couldn't do the day justice. I mean, how exactly do you describe the feeling of something dying inside of you? In more way than one. What words accurately explained how my heart exactly felt when the doctor told me I had lost the baby I didn't even know I was carrying? Or how it felt when Oliver told me it was all my fault? And yeah maybe I could tell them how badly I wanted to die afterward, about how it felt when the hospital finally released me and I went back to the flat only to have everything hit me like a fucking truck once again, but they would never know how exactly it felt. They would never understand, despite attempts by them to make it seem that way. Those feelings, they would only ever be mine and mine alone. Not even Oliver, the only person who would possibly have a shot at relating to me, would ever know what it felt like. So there I was, sitting there staring at them while they stared back only much more intently waiting for an explanation. An explanation I wasn't sure I could give, or justify for that matter.

"Oliver an' I...well we 'ad sex, yeh know..." I began, stuttering awkwardly. I felt Amanda's eyes now more than ever. I couldn't imagine it was easy for her to hear about the man she loved having sex with someone else. I continued regardless. "An' well sometimes we didn't use a condom. We were always so fucked up, yeh know? Like, 'alf of tha time we were jus' high as 'ell. But uhm....well one day I woke up wiff realleh terrible cramps. I fhought it were my period, so I went back ta sleep, but when I woke up there were blood all ova..." I trailed off then and sucked in another shaky breath. The tears didn't come though, I was sure I had run myself dry of them at this point.

"Tristan..." Dylan murmured, I'm sure already catching on to what I was about to reveal.

"Oli brought me ta tha 'ospital....they said I lost a babeh. I didn't even know there were a babeh," I paused, lifting my eyes up to see their reactions. Dylan's hand was over her mouth and she was silently crying. Amanda looked so fucking shocked that I wasn't sure anything was being processed in her brain besides the words I was saying. "They said it were tha drugs...an' somefhin' 'bout tha way me uterus is shaped..." I looked down to my hands, my blonde hair falling into my face. "But I knew it was all my fault. I killed 'im. Tha's tha first thing Oliver told me when they finally let 'im in tha room. 'e always blamed me, 'e still does. Tha's why 'e's always so angry around me. 'e says tha' I fucked up 'is life by coming back 'ere."

"Oh," Dylan cried, blinking and causing more tears to fall from her gorgeous green eyes. They were even prettier when she cried, if you could believe that. And it killed me to see her cry. It killed me to know that I had been the one to make her cry. But as much as it killed me, a small weight seemed to fall off my shoulders as I told my story. "Tristan, I don't even know wha' ta say..." she sniffled. She pushed herself off the couch onto her knees and shuffled her way towards me. Once she was within an arms reach she wrapped her colorful arms tightly around my neck and cried into my shirt.

It was weird, to have her crying for once. I felt out of place as I hugged her, rubbing her back softly and cooing into her ear how about everything was okay, about how it was going to be okay. I was watching Amanda from the corner of my eye as she processed everything I had just said. She placed the cup of tea on the small table next to her and brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs tightly. She stared at the ground. She barely blinked. I wanted to get inside her mind. I wondered if she was angry, sad, confused, all of the above. I couldn't imagine her thoughts were anything but frantic. Information like that wasn't very easy to take in.

"'s fine," I muttered as Dylan pulled away from me, her eyes wide.

"'s not fine!" She stated incredulously. "Yeh don't deserve ta be treated tha' way, Tristan. No one deserves tha'. I know tha' yeh woulda been a damn good mum ta tha' baby if tha circumstances were righ'. An' yeh didn't know, yeh can't blame yehself. And eifher can Oli," she nodded stiffly. "But yeh were sick, there was no way yeh could take care of tha' babeh in tha state yeh were in."

I stared at her blankly as she spoke to me. My mouth was dry and I wasn't sure how I could form the words I was about to say next without cry again. I swallowed hard and cleared my throat, "Tha's why I felt so terrible," I whispered. "Because when tha doctor told me.... an' when I realleh fhought about it I felt...relived."

Dylan frowned and hugged me again, "Yeh're such a fuckin' strong person."

It was weird for me to hear something like that, especially coming from Dylan. As long as I had known her, I had always looked up to her. Dylan was everything I wished I could be; her life was perfect. Everything she ever wanted she got, and not because people handed those things to her, but because she worked for them. She never let anything get her down, she was fucking unstoppable. And here she was telling me how strong I was when I had spent an entire two years of my life thinking was I fucking worthless- no- worse than worthless.

"I should kick 'is ass," she sniffled again, smiling slightly.

"No, I should," Amanda spoke up. We both turned to focus our attention on the gorgeous brunette who was still curled into the fetal position. "Tristan I....I never knew."

"No one did," I shrugged. ""s not yeh're fault."

"No I need to talk to him..." she said, pushing herself off the couch. "Because we're honestly done."

"Amanda, no, this is entirely my fault. It 'appened so long ago. 'e loves yeh," I said, taking a few steps toward her.

"No, I can't even believe 'e would treat yeh like that..." she said as she hastily made her way to the door. "'e's about to get a good talking to."

She left after that and Dylan turned to me, her glossy eyes confused. "I didn't fhink tha' would 'appen."

"Dyl..." I groaned. "'e kissed me. An' we woulda went a lot further if I wouldn't 'ave stopped it. 'e's gonna 'ate me forever for tellin' yeh guys about this. 'specially Amanda. 'e's righ', I just ruin 'is life time an' time again."

"Tristan...'e's tha only one who ruins 'is life."