You're Gone

His groggy voice was what woke me up and for a few brief seconds I thought he was speaking to me before I realized he was having one half of a conversation.

"I'm at Matt 'n Tom's," his voice was horse as he spoke. I closed my eyes tightly and pretended I was still asleep. That I was ignorant of all reality and that I didn't know he was on the phone with Amanda, who was no doubt questioning his recent odd behavior. "I fell asleep 'ere, okay? Don't get so fuckin' worked up 'bout it," he mumbled as I felt the mattress shifting below me. "I'll be 'ome in a 'alf 'our alrigh'?!" He snapped before hanging up. I could feel him toss the phone to the end of the the bed and then push himself up into a standing position. I cracked an eye open and watched as he search for his boxer-briefs on my bedroom floor and the fingers around my heart squeezed tightly. There was something so oddly familiar about the situation and I think that was what hurt me the most. It wasn't even the fact that he was leaving to go back home to his girlfriend, it wasn't even that I knew I had betrayed Amanda in probably the worst way possible, it was the fact that deep down in my heart I knew that if we both wanted it, this would work out. Because it had before. Drugs or no drugs, I loved him and I wanted us to happy...but I wanted to be happy together.

He noticed me staring and even flashed a sliver of a smile as he pulled his boxer-briefs over his skinny legs. "I didn't mean ta wake yeh" he scratched the back of his neck.

"Yeh talk pretteh loudleh," I murmured.

"Sorreh," he apologized as started his search for his shirt.

"'s okay," I nodded as I gathered the sheet a bit closer to my chest. "So uhm, do yeh fhink we should talk about wha' 'appened or..."

"I fhink we both know it was a mistake," he cut me off quickly.

My jaw literally dropped at his words, but I couldn't properly form all the words that were flowing through my head. He was nearly dressed by the time a few words escaped out of my mouth, "Yeh're jokin', righ'?"

He sighed through his nose and turned around to face me. I dropped the sheet from my chest and grabbed a tee-shirt from the end of my bed and threw it over my head, not even caring if Oliver saw or not. "I fuckin' cheatin' on me girlfriend, Tris," he explained. "Yeh left an' I moved on. Amanda's good fer me," he rambled on, his fingers frequently finding his hair as he spoke. "Las' nigh'....we were jus' actin' on emotions. We'd never work out. Not now. Too much shit 'as 'appened. I mean, 's like we completely forget tha fact we could've 'ad a babeh righ' now fer tha past few weeks. We could've been 'appeh."

"We still can be!" I argued, pushing myself out of bed and letting the tee-shirt fall down to my mid-thighs. "Yeh can't tell meh yeh didn't feel anyfhin' las' nigh'," I lowered my voice considerably. "Yeh said it yehself, yeh missed it."

"Yeh don't know wha' 's like Tristan!" His voice boomed over mine. "When yeh left I moved on, or at least tried to. I may 'ave been a proper dick but it wasn't like yeh put up a fight! Yeh jus' let me leave yeh an' never bothered ta try an' talk ta me again before yeh jus' left! We could've went through rehab together an' then maybe fhings would be different righ' now. But they aren't. I 'ave a girlfriend who I love an' yeh'll always be the mum of me first babeh..." He trailed off, his voice lowering considerably as he finished yelling.

"Why do yeh 'ave ta be scared of this?" I whispered. His eyes went wide at this and then he simply sighed, his fingers once again finding his hair.

"Did yeh know I've neva cried before we lost tha babeh?" He asked me seriously, his voice completely deadpan, his eyes off somewhere else, not focusing on anything in particular. I bit my lip hard as I did my best to study his expression, but all he looked was blank. "I jus'...nofhin' made me cry before that. 's like I neva realleh knew what pain was or some stupid deep shit like tha'..." he trailed off, a small smile on his lips. "Yeh can hurt meh, Tris. Yeh could break me 'eart inta a million 'lil pieces....Amanda can't do tha'. If anyone's gonna break someone's 'eart in tha' relationship 's gonna be me breakin' 'er's."

"Yeh're a fuckin' coward," I told him.

He didn't say anything at first and we just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. And it very well could have been. And while everything that had been said between us for the past few weeks was flying through my head at a million miles an hour, the one re-occurring thought I couldn't shake was what he was thinking about. I think that was what bothered me most. He could say one thing and be thinking something else. He could do one thing, and then justify it with a completely bullshit explanation. I just didn't want him to be miserable, and I couldn't understand why he would keep setting himself up to be like that.

"I dunno wha' ta do anymore," he whispered.

"Oliver," I croaked, my throat constricting my words. I was on the verge of tears yet again, but I knew they wouldn't fall. Not at least until he left. "Jus' tell meh tha' she makes yeh happeh....cause if she does- if she's wha' yeh realleh wan'...then I'll leave yeh alone. I won't bother yeh anymore if she's the one yeh wan'."

I would have thought his answer would be quick. He had seemed to adamant about Amanda being the one for him before, and now that I had asked him the question he seemed to be tongue tied. I wasn't sure if it was because the question had caught him off guard or if it was because he didn't want to tell me the truth. Maybe it was a combination of both. Or maybe I was the one he wanted. And maybe that scared the shit out of him. The latter was me being silly and overly hopeful, but it was impossible for me not to think about. No matter how sure you are you're about to get your heart smashed in front of you, you can't help but think of a happy ending.

"Tristan? Oh my God, yeh better be awake! I 'ave ta show yeh wha' I bought yeh in London!"
Dylan, who had been running towards my room, skidded to a complete hault when she saw Oliver and I squaring off against each other. Oliver's eyes briefly flickered over to her, his expression still dull and vacent, before turning back towards me. I wished with everything in me that I could read minds at that very moment.

"Oh...I didn't know yeh 'ad someone over..." She trailed off awkwardly.

"Oliver was jus' leavin'," I said sternly, clenching my jaw tightly. Oliver's expression suddenly changed and just like that he looked like I had just punched him square in the gut.

"I jus'-" He began.

"Tell Amanda I said hi, yeah?" I asked, knocking my shoulder with his arm as I passed him briskly.

Dylan was quick to follow me into the living room but didn't say a word until he front door slammed shut and Oliver was on the other side of it. "Wha' tha fuck 'appened while I was gone?" She exasperated.

"I fhink yeh can guess fer yehself, yeah?" I rubbed my face and then brought my knees into my chest.

"Yeh slept wiff 'im?" She hissed.

"Why am I such a fuckin' idiot?" I choked back a sob as I looked at her. She frowned deeply and wrapped her arms around my shoulders tightly.

"'cause yeh love 'im."