You're Gone

I was pretty sure everything Oliver and I did was counterproductive. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere something horrible happened to make us go back to the way things were when he hated me. Every time we took a few steps forward, we took even more back.

He hadn't talked to me since I kicked him out of the house after he slept with me. And today was the day he was getting on an airplane to go to America. And that meant I wouldn't even come close to seeing him for at least three months. As much at thinking about that bothered me, it didn't at the same time. As much as I yearned to constantly be around him, I was slowly beginning to realize it may not have been the best thing for me.

After Oliver left that morning, Dylan had a lengthy conversation with me about the pros and cons of me actually being with him. However, I wasn't really listening to her half of the time because all I could think about was Oliver's hands all over me. It amazed me to think that after having sex with him so many times before, this time felt so much different. And that's when it hit me: I had never had sex with Oliver sober. And that was enough to make me step back and really think about things.

Whether I liked it or not, two years ago drugs were part of my daily routine. I woke up and would snort a line of whatever was available like some people would wake up and have a glass of orange juice. My behavior was, by society’s standards, abnormal. My addictions were frowned upon and it was hard to maintain relationships unless it was with a drug dealer. However, this was normal to me. And because of the things I considered to be just another part of my routine, my relationship with Oliver was completely based on the fact the only thing we liked more than each other was the drugs we continually pumped into our systems. Somehow that was okay though. In fact, sometimes I used to think the drugs were what made everything so exciting and amazing. I was used to it.

And I think that's what scared me so much about getting clean and sober: I no longer knew what a normal life was outside of drugs. To me it was normal to wake up and snort or smoke something. To me it was normal to be high for most of the day. To me it was normal to not have any real relationships. So when someone told me it wasn't normal, that it wasn't healthy, and that things had to change, I was completely at a loss when it came to their version of a normal life. I wasn't sure I could function properly without the drugs, and that went for every aspect of my life, including Oliver.

So to me, the fact that I was able to be society's version of normal around him, the fact that I was able to talk with him and kiss him and have sex with him off of drugs, was something I never thought would be possible. And it really scared the shit out of me to think that everything was how I wanted it to be when I was in rehab wishing so badly for a normal sober life. It scared me because I wasn't sure I could ever be normal off of drugs, and I wasn't sure I'd feel the same about Oliver off of them, or that things would ever be as amazing as they were on drugs.

Realizing they were exactly the same was something I had yet to fully wrap my head around.

"Dyl, where tha fuck is tha' one shirt I realleh like?!" Lee poked his head out of the bedroom he and Dylan shared, squinting as he looked into the living room at his girlfriend.

"Look in tha laundry basket, I jus' did a load of laundry for yeh," she replied easily. Lee ducked back in the room and I could hear him rustling around a bit before he yelled back out to her.

"Found it!"

Dylan glanced over at me and smirked as she rolled her eyes, "'e'd lose everyfhin' 'e's ever owned if it weren't fer me," she whispered.

I sent her a small smile and then focused my attention back on the television. I couldn't even properly identify to you what we were watching though. I was too caught up in my own head, which was never a good thing, but I certainly had a lot to think about. That's probably why I didn't hear her practically yelling at me.

"Tristan!" She screamed, finally grabbing my attention.

"Hmm?" I replied, lazily turning to look at her.

"I asked if yeh wanted ta come ta tha airport wiff us," Dylan asked, looking at me oddly.

"Do yeh honestly fhink tha's a good idea?" I inquired.

"Why not?" Lee interjected. "'s not jus' gonna be Oli tha's there."

I took a moment to think about what Lee said and suddenly I felt sort of horrible. Since I had gotten back all I had thought about was myself and Oliver's relationship. I had barely seen any of the guys, I didn't even go out of my way to see them. Suddenly, I felt as though I had to go say good-bye, and maybe try to explain myself. It was like I suddenly understood why I didn't have many friends to begin with: I was so damn self absorbed.

"Yeh're righ'," I nodded. "I'll go."

- - -

On the way to the airport I didn't feel so sure about myself anymore. Dylan could tell. Hell, even Lee could tell. I was nervous as all hell and if it wasn't my knee constantly bouncing that gave it away, it was the fact that I had been biting on my lip so hard it started to bleed half-way to the airport.

"Stop it Tristan!" Dylan scolded me, swatting at me from the front seat. "Yer stressin' me out an' I 'ave no reason ta be stressed out."

"Sorreh," I mumbled as I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth.

"'s gonna be fine, Tristan," Lee reassured me. "If yeh don't want, yeh don't even 'ave ta look at 'im. 'e'll probableh be too busy wiff Amanda to acknowledge anyone anyway..."

I nodded silently and took to staring out the window, trying desperately to distract me from the thoughts that seemed to be plaguing my mind. Seeing Oliver and Amanda together would no doubt emotionally destroy me. Not because I was jealous of Amanda or because I wanted to be in her place but because I had betrayed her in the worst way possible. Amanda and been nothing but sweet to me since I had met her. I had zero reasons to hate her and yet I slept her boyfriend fully knowing how much she cared for him. I was a fucking terrible person and I wasn't sure if I could ever forgive myself for that.

We were at the airport before I could put any more thought into how horrible I was. Dylan helped upload Lee's gear and we met up with Vegan outside the airport.

"Promise yeh won't miss me too much, Tristan?" He grinned, throwing his arm over my shoulders.

"Promise," I smiled up at him.

"Yeh two should visit in the States, yeah?" He asked. "Maybeh out when we're in California, I fhink yeh'll like it there Tristan."

I almost wanted to cry. Everyone was always so fucking nice to me and I couldn't help but think I didn't deserve it. Any of it. I deserved for every to hate me and think I was selfish and horrible. Instead though they asked for me to visit them on tour, instead Lee was always there to make me feel better, instead they all made me laugh and told me how much they missed me.

After checking all of their gear and bags, we all walked together to security, which was as far as we could go. Amanda and Oliver were walking hand in hand on the opposite end of the giant crowd we were walking with. I tried to ignore them to the best of my ability as I went down the line to say good-bye to everyone, giving them bear hugs and making promises to visit even though I wasn't sure if it was a promise I could keep.

And then I got to Oliver. He was alone now, Amanda off saying good-bye to a bunch of the other boys. He was wearing an oversized grey sweater that was ripped up by the shoulders and beyond ratty looking. His growing hair was being tamed by the grey beanie sitting on the back of his head and large dark bags hung heavily under his eyes.

I inhaled deeply and tried to avoid being seen by him, turning around quickly only to hear him call my name as I was spinning in the other direction. "Tris?" His voice was soft and raspy. I turned back towards him, my expression blank.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I uh...I jus' fhought I'd say good-bye, ya know?" He asked awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck as he spoke. He lifted his eyes towards me and my breath caught in my throat as he stared at me.

"Uh. ye-yeah," I nodded, swallowing hard. "Bye," I nodded.

And then he did something I hadn't expected- he hugged me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest as tight as he possibly could without hurting me. His face was buried in the crook of my neck and I could feel his uneven breath and how fast his heart was beating and it only made my heart pump just as quickly.

"Yeh should be wiff 'er," I whispered into his hair as I wound my own skinny arms around him. "I love yeh Oliver," I sighed. "But I can't 'ave yeh." His grip got tighter as I spoke and I tried my hardest not to cry.

"I know," he whispered finally. I pulled away then, suddenly, wiping my eyes even though no tears and fallen and forcing a wide smile onto my mouth. Oliver looked confused and first, but then just nodded like he understood. "'s jus'...easier," he explained further, though I hadn't wanted him to. If I could, I would be blissfully ignorant to everything around me, more specifically the fact that the only person I had ever been in love with was choosing someone else over me. "Yeh'll always be important though, ya know?"

I nodded with a tight lipped smile, forcing the tears to stay in my eyes. This wasn't the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was certainly up there. No one ever wants to hear that you aren't good enough or that you can't have what you so desperately want. It sucked. it just really fucking sucked.

Amanda walked over then, a wide smile on her face, "You look so cute, Tristan," she smiled at me. "You're comin' ta lunch with Dyl and I, righ'?"

I nodded again, though I hadn't a clue about what she was talking about. "Fhanks," I smiled. "An', uh, yeah lunch sounds great."

"Oh awesome, I know this great little place downtown tha' Oli an' I love," she glanced over at her boyfriend and smiled at him in the most adoring way I had ever seen and it broke my heart into a million tiny little pieces.

"Cool," I laughed shakily. "I jus' gotta go say bye ta Tom now," I muttered quickly. "I'll leave yeh two...alone, or somefhin'. Okay bye."

I turned around swiftly and started to power walk, resulting in me walking straight into Dylan's chest. She steadied me by placing her hands on my shoulders, which also forced me to look her directly in the eye, something I was trying to avoid at all costs.

"Wha's tha matta?" She asked me sternly. "Yeh and Oli looked awfully close." She was eyeing me carefully now and I knew without her even saying it that she was worried about how Oliver and I acted around each other when Amanda was around. She knew about Oliver and I having sex and she knew that Amanda had no idea and I knew she would like to keep things that way. Because she may have been my best friend, but while I was away her and Amanda got close, leaving some loyalty to her as well. "What did yeh two say?" She whispered.

"Goodbye," I said simply and suddenly it all really hit me.

This good-bye wasn't a 'see you later, have fun on tour!' good-bye. This was a 'good-bye forever' kind of good-bye.

And somehow none of it settled well with me.