You're Gone

When I woke up and shuffled out of my bedroom and into the bathroom, I caught sight of Lee out of the corner of my eye. Since I had gotten back to Sheffield I had done a pretty good job of avoiding everyone. Save for my horrible decision last night that is. I had spent almost two years away from everything and everyone, and coming back was a culture shock. Therapy hadn't prepared me.

When I had finished my morning pee and stared at myself in the mirror I wasn't even sure Lee would recognize me. I had gotten the color back to my eyes and my face. My hair was no longer stringy and brittle. My cheeks had gotten fuller once again and the bones were no longer protruding out of my body in a disgusting manner. I looked...healthy. Much more than I had before. I still looked tired and worn out, because I was, but I didn't look nearly as bad as I did right before I left.

I had to talk myself up to walking out of the bathroom for ten minutes before my bare feet finally began padding on top of the carpet towards the kitchen. As I expected, Lee and Dylan were both sitting at the small table nestled in the corner of the cozy kitchen, talking quietly to each other. A mug sat in front of each of them and an empty bowl of what I assumed to be cereal sat off to the side next to Lee.

"Tristan!" Dylan's eyes lit up when she saw me, making Lee turn around to completely stare at me. I knew he hadn't meant to look at me in the manner he had, I knew it was all just impulse and reaction, but I wasn't sure how to react to his eyes nearly bugling out of his head. Lee was always the quiet one. He kept to himself mostly, unless he was drunk, and was always more observant and introverted than the rest of the guys.

However, upon seeing me he yelped quiet loudly, "Holy shit!" I winced slightly as Dylan delivered a swift kick to his shin. "'m sorreh," he immediately apologized. "'s jus'....yeh look so much better, Tristan."

A blush rose to my cheeks and I scurried towards the coffee pot to distract myself. This was all too much for me to handle without drugs. And this was only Lee. Lee would be the most tame out of everyone. His reaction was minimal to the ones I was expecting from everyone else. And that worried me. When I finally made myself my coffee I reluctantly sat down at the table, Lee and Dylan at either side of me. I could feel Lee's stare and it made me uncomfortable. It made me want to use. To feel the rush of meth in my veins, to feel the euphoria that followed it.

"So where were yeh, Tristan? Are yeh okay now?" Lee asked me earnestly. I knew he was asking because he really cared, not because he wanted to pry into my personal life. I coughed a bit and glanced over at Dylan for some sort of moral support. I wondered if she had told him where I had been, or just gave him a general idea.

"I was in a rehab center. Tha Quinton House in Bournemouth," I told him meekly. “And I guess so,” I added with a shrug.

Dylan had placed me in the nicest rehab center that she could find, and the one she had finally settled on just so happened to also be nearly four hours away, which she cited as another plus. She told me I needed to get away. And she was right. She was always right. I don't think she imagined I'd stay away for as long as I did, but she never objected to my absence from Sheffield.

"'ow was it?"

"Good," I nodded. "I've been clean for two years now. I got put on medication though, ta 'elp wiff anxiety an' depression," I added.

"Anyfhing ta 'elp yeh out, yeah?" He smiled.

And I would have smiled if Oliver's words from last night were echoing in my head. "Yeh're pathetic," he had said to me. And the way he had said it- my heart hurt just thinking about it. He looked down on me. He looked down on me just like everyone had looked down on us. He should have known what he felt like when he let the words escape his lips, the tone that had laced them making it worse. If he only knew how badly I wanted his acceptance. That his acceptance was the only thing that really mattered to me. That although I would never admit it out loud, he was the reason I decided to finally come back to Sheffield. Because I needed to face my demons. Because we needed to talk. Because I still needed him just as badly as I had two years ago.

"I guess," I shrugged, letting my finger trace along the brim of the mug I was sipping out of.

"We all missed yeh, yeh know," Lee added long after our conversation had ended. My eyes snapped up to him immediately, a mixture of confusion and shock written all over my face. He hadn't meant to make me crazy with his words, but he had. He had made my stomach clench and my heart race. He made me remember to take my meds.

"What're yeh guys up ta today?" I cleared my throat as I quickly changed the subject. "Off for a day date?" I attempted to make light of the situation but it fell flat as the couple exchanged wary glances. "What?" I asked flatly.

"Nofhing," Dylan quickly replied, a smile gracing her lips. "We're jus' 'elpin' Oli plan Amanda's burfhday is all," she shrugged with a laugh. "Nofhing serious."

I stared at her, my expression void of emotion. My eyes bland. Lifeless.

"Who's Amanda?" I asked slowly, deliberately. I wanted to make sure I got every syllable correct because I wanted her to tell me I had heard her wrong.

"Oli's girlfriend," Lee answered for my best friend. "They've been togefher for wha'? Almost two years, yeah? Right Dyl?" He conferred with his girlfriend.

"Yeah," she replied, looking down at her hands. "Right Lee," he nodded, her voice grave.

Suffocating. That's what it felt like.

Like I had water in my lungs. Like I was in a room in which the walls were moving in on me. Like I had injected too much meth. Smoked too much weed. Snorted too much coke. I refused to cry. I wouldn't. Too many tears had already been shed over the whole situation. So instead I just sat there and dealt with the fact I felt like I was choking on air.

It's not like I didn't expect him to move on. I wasn't under the impression he would spend the rest of his life hung up on me. But I never thought he'd move on so fast. Almost two years, Lee had said. I had been away for exactly two years. And according to those calculations he didn't wait very long at all. It seemed like he practically jumped on the next bird he saw. He must've really liked her though. The Oliver I knew would never plan for a birthday like Dylan and Lee talked about.

After Lee was in the shower and I was still sitting at the kitchen table staring straight ahead, my position unchanged since Lee's words had been confirmed by Dylan, she spoke to me.

"Jus' say somefhing Tristan," she finally urged me, placing her hands on either side of her as she rested them on the counter. Her back was towards me, but I knew she looked absolutely desperate, her tone gave away everything. "Silence makes me nervous."

"Why?"

"Why wha'?"

"Why didn't yeh tell meh?"

"Tell yeh wha'?"

"'bout Oli," I whispered as my head fell down, my chin hitting my chest lightly.

She sighed deeply, her shoulders falling as she slowly turned around and made her way over to the table. She let herself fall down into her chair, her green eyes carefully finding mine.

"I couldn't," she stated simply. Like it was simple. Like she was telling me about the weather or what color the sky was. But nothing about Oliver was ever simple. Nothing about Oliver and I had ever been simple. And now that there was no longer an and I things still weren't simple. I briefly wondered if they ever would be. If my life ever would be. Simple that is.

"Why?"

"'Cause yeh were healin'!" She exclaimed. She quickly collected herself after her sudden outburst and her eyes darted around the room like there was someone else who had saw it besides me. "I couldn't...I just couldn't. Not while yeh were in rehab. Or still in Bournemouth for tha' matter. I didn't even wan' ta tell yeh now," she sighed again, raking her fingers through her hair. "I know 'ow 'ard this is for yeh," she went on. "An' I know tellin' yeh about Amanda could've seriously hindered yeh're recovery. I couldn't fuck tha' up for yeh."

I wondered how things would have gone if she had told me. I imagined the feeling would be similar, only about a million times worse. I was an addict, I always would be, but my struggles with addiction were nothing like they were two years ago, or even one year ago. I imagined Dylan telling me about Amanda while I was still in rehab. And suddenly I didn't want to think about it anymore. Because I knew things wouldn't have gone well. And I would have done something stupid.

"'s hard," I whispered, my throat threatening to close in that way it does before you cry. I swallowed hard though, choking the feeling down.

"'s always been tha' way," Dylan told me with a barely there smile. "An' yeh've made it this far."

"I jus' thought it'd get easier, yeh know?"

"It will," she reassured me. "Yeh'll see tha guys again today and everyfhing will be okay. Jus' like before. Minus the drugs."

I sighed again. The thought of seeing the boys again bothered me. Not only because they reminded me of Oliver, but because I was horrified they would hate me, resent me for the part I played in nearly destroying their lead singer, or look down on me like they had before I left for rehab. I was nervous as to how they would look at me now. If they would always think I was that girl I was two years ago. If they would check to make sure their wallets were still there after I hugged them like a few other people already had. If they would stare at my arms as they checked for track marks. My heart was pumping fast as I thought of all the situations that were possible.

Not one of them was a good one.

"Dylan?" I murmured quietly.

"Hm?" She hummed as she glanced up at me.

"Do yeh really fhink they'll wanna see me?"

A large smile spread across her lips as she hugged me. "Of course they will," she assured me. "They've missed yeh, Tristan. They were proper worried about yeh while yeh were away, always askin' when yeh'd be back and if yeh were gettin' better. They love yeh."

I just nodded, unwilling to let the thoughts in my head pass through my lips. I had learned to keep my mouth shut to avoid the reassuring pep talks I had heard so often when people thought I was being self deprecating. But in all honesty, I deserved it. For everything I had done to the people who I loved and to the people who loved me, I deserved every bad thought that passed through my brain.

Once Lee was out of the shower, it was Dylan's turn in the bathroom. She was in and out of the shower quickly, never taking too much time to get ready and before I knew it the couple was ready to leave. According to Lee, the rest of the guys would be over shortly to reunite with me. Nerves bubbled up in my stomach and it was times like these that really made me want to use. Because when I was on drugs nothing bothered me expect the thoughts of where I was going to get more drugs. I scratched the back of my neck nervously as Dylan wrapped her arms around me and held me close.

"'s gonna be alrigh'," she nodded as she held me at arms length, both of her hands on my shoulders.

"I 'ope so," I grumbled.

"Don't worry so much," Lee smiled over at me. I couldn't help but smile back and I nodded, letting them know I'd do my best to be okay. Dylan kissed the top of my head and then grabbed Lee's hand as they both left the flat without another word.