You're Gone

When Dylan came back to the flat later in the day the boys were already gone. They had invited me back to Matt and Tom's flat later that night but I politely declined, knowing I wasn't ready to deal with that sort of thing yet. She brought back sandwiches with her and was surprisingly alone; Lee absent from her side. They were usually always together, and although I never really minded Lee being around I was sort of relieved it was just Dylan and I for now. After explaining my day to her over our sandwiches she brought up Matt and Tom's flat. Of course she would be invited as well.

"I fhink yeh'd be fine," she told me adamantly. "Yeh know they don't hate yeh, they came ova 'ere today, why not jus' go ova there tonigh'?"

"Oli's gonna be there," I spoke softly, half begging she hadn't heard me.

As much as I knew I needed to eventually face Oliver again, I didn't want to. Mostly because I didn't think I could. I wasn't sure I had enough strength to really talk to him. I mean, sure we had that brief encounter back at the party the other night but it all happened so quickly that if I had blinked I would have missed it all. I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with all of the very much unwanted emotions that would surely flood my mind when we finally talked things over.

Because he had just left. Sort of like I had. But he didn't leave to get help, he left because he was afraid. And maybe I left for that reason too. Maybe we were both to blame for all of these unvisited emotions, but it was much easier to just ignore them.

"I know yeh never told meh tha whole truth," she said. "But I know somefhing 'orrible 'appened to yeh guys. An' I know neifher of yeh 'ave told anyone else. Tristan, yeh should 'ear some of the fhings 'e's been writin' about. 've 'eard a few of tha new songs, tha ones wiff vocals, an' I can't even imagine wha' 'appened. But whatever it is, yeh need to see 'm. An' talk to 'm eventually. Cause yeh can't live like this forever."

"Why?" I asked pathetically. Dylan smiled at this and it was in no way condescending or hurtful in anyway. She had a funny way of doing that. She always did and said the right thing and it just made me wonder how some could always be so perfect. I honestly didn't deserve to call her my best friend.

"'Cause I can't live wiff yeh if yeh're always like this!" She joked with me before getting serious. "I jus' want ta see yeh 'appy, T. Yeh're my best friend and yeh've been through hell an' back. Yeh deserve to smile, don't yeh fhink?"

No I wanted to respond, but instead I just sent her a small smile and nodded. Because somewhere deep down inside of me I did want to smile. I did want to eventually forgive myself for what had happened and I maybe even wanted to try and make things right with Oliver again. And I knew I would never be happy like I used to be if I didn't do those things. But I guess I just still didn't know if I was allowed to be happy. I didn't know if I was ready for it yet.

"So will yeh go?" She asked.

"I guess."

We were getting ready soon after that. Dylan was wearing a shirt of Oliver's brand and a pair of skinny jeans. Her hair was down in its usual wavy manner and she wore little to no make-up. I was positive she was perfect. Most of her tattoos were exposed and I took the time out to examine one that I hadn't previously seen. A small infinity sign on her ring finger.

My eyes went wide as I blurted out without thinking much of it, "'re yeh married?!"

She glanced over at me like I was positively insane and began laughing as she shook her head. "Of course not!" She exclaimed. "Do yeh fhink I'd get married and not tell yeh?"

"I dunno," I shrugged lamely. She swatted at my arm and I smiled if only slightly.

"Wha' makes yeh ask tha'?" She questioned as she continued to rummage through my drawers to find me something to wear.

"Tha tattoo on yeh're finger," I stated. "'s on yeh're ring finger."

"Lee and I jus' got them for laughs, yeh know? Well, not laughs I guess, 'cause we do love each ofher. We'll get married one day. One day far, far away. But until then why not jus' get some silly tattoo?" She explained.

Dylan had a way of making everything sound so simple and easy. Like that tattoo for instance. Most people would take getting something permanently inked into their skin pretty seriously, and especially something that involved something like love- but not Dylan. To her the tattoo was nothing more than more art for her body, only this one held a little more meaning. Her and Lee had been dating since just before the band started which translated to just about seven years. They never got sick of each other. I don't even think they've gotten into a real serious fight. Things with them always just seemed to go so naturally. I was envious of their love and it made me question the love I felt for Oliver. Or had felt. Could you really fall out of love with someone? Especially a love that you had been so sure of and felt so intensely? I still wasn't sure of the answer, and I knew it wasn't coming anytime soon.

"Yeh two are crazy," I shook my head, a small smile still attached to my lips.

"Stop stallin', an' get ready," she threw a long tank top at me and laughed at me.

I was visibly nervous as we walked into Matt and Tom's apartment. I was fidgeting with my hands and chewing on my lip like it was made of chocolate. Dylan was frequently telling me to quit it, but it was easier said than done.

"Tristan!" Vegan exclaimed, throwing one of his long arms around my shoulders. "Come on in, lemme show yeh around."

"Aye, 's my flat, sod off," Matt joked with the tall bassist.

"Yeh're already 'alf way pissed, 'ow're yeh gonna show 'er 'round?"

"I'm pretty good at doin' fhings when I'm pissed," Matt reasoned with him.

And as they went back and forth and whether or not Matt could get through a show drunk, my blue eyes fell on him. Or them rather. She was standing right next to him, tall, skinny, brunette, and completely gorgeous. She was laughing and something someone near them was saying and he was cracking a small smile as well. I missed his smile. I always loved when he smiled, it made his entire face light up and his eyes sparkle. And there he was smiling again like everything in the world was perfect and good. And maybe in his world it was good. Maybe he had finally found peace with Amanda. Maybe he had gotten over me, and everything that had happened. Maybe me coming back home would only fuck that up. Maybe I just symbolized everything that had ever gone wrong in his life.

When he glanced out at the rest of the small party his eyes caught mine. He held my gaze for a while, his expression emotionless as he just stared straight at me. My breath caught in my throat and I almost choked because of the lack of oxygen getting to my brain. When Amanda realized her boyfriend was in a semi-hypnotic state she followed his eyes and they landed on me as well. And she smiled.

She smiled.

She leaned over to Oliver and whispered something to Oliver. He simply nodded once, his eyes still locked on me and it was only then that I looked away, blinking, and looking towards the ground. She was making fun of me. I was sure of it. To her I was just some silly little girl her boyfriend had dated. A pathetic drug addict that used to fuck her boyfriend. I was a joke compared to her. According to Dylan she was a model. A fucking model. And there I was standing in-between the two Matts wearing a pair of worn out skinny jeans, a oversized grey tank top with a bando underneath and a size too big yellow sweater. I was just standing there thinking how he could possibly like someone like me and then like someone like Amanda. Compared to her I was a bloody fuck up. Well, compared to anyone I suppose. But Amanda especially.

As much as I wanted to, I didn't drink that night. I knew one drink would lead to another, would lead to another, would probably lead to drugs, which would probably lead me right back where I started. Only it would be without Oliver. And I just didn't want to deal with that anymore. I instead stood around the party awkwardly as I watched my old friends watch me as I silently sipped on a bottle of water. Every so often Lee and Dylan would come around but I had told them over and over again that I was fine on my own. And I was only half lying to them.

As the night wore on I became increasingly uncomfortable. Especially when I caught a few people passing a blunt around between them. And even though they were only smoking weed I could feel my skin crawling. I never wanted to do drugs again just as badly as I wanted to do drugs again. If that makes any sense. It was a love/hate relationship if you will. While I knew all of the horrible things drugs had put me through and how horrible I had been while I was on them, I longed for the feeling of clam they gave me. That feeling had been absent since my last line of coke right before rehab. So to avoid any further temptation I made a quick exit for the small balcony off of the kitchen. I slid the door shut behind me and immediately began to dig for a cigarette in my pocket. Once I had shoved one in-between my lips and was just about to light it, I heard him.

"Why did yeh even bofher ta come?" He asked, scaring the living shit out of me and consequently making me jump and gasp, the cigarette falling from my lips quickly. I scrambled to the ground to pick it up and placed it back in-between my lips, lightening it quickly and taking a long drag.

"I was invited," I stated pathetically. I wasn't very good at defending myself. I never was really. But especially not now. Because I wasn't sure what to say to him. Was I supposed to spill my guts to him now? Was it an appropriate time to say I was sorry? Was it ever going to be an appropriate time to say I was sorry? Regardless, being around Oliver made me more nervous than I ever thought possible. It was amazing to think that just two years ago he was the only person who made me feel safe and loved and now I could feel all of his anger and hatred just radiating off of him.

"Eventually everyone's gonna stop feelin' sorreh for yeh an' realize what a proper fuck up yeh 're," he spat at me, his eyes smoldering as he looked me up and down.

"I-I-I-" I couldn't even form a bloody sentence.

"Listen," he took a step closer to me and I pulled my cigarette away from my mouth, holding it to my side as he got right in my face. "Don't fhink yeh can come back inta my life and fuck it up, alrigh'? Yeh 'aven't got a place in me life anymore," he spoke through gritted teeth.

"Oli?" Her voice was sweet in contrast to Oli's snarl. Both of our necks snapped towards the door as we followed the voice. Amanda was standing in the doorway, her perfect face holding a impossibly hard to read expression.

"Yeah Amanda," Oli spoke slowly as he lead back, running his fingers through his hair.

"I jus' didn't know where yeh went off to," she explained, stepping out onto the balcony. "Yeh mus' be Tristan," she said, her mouth stretching into a dazzling smile. I was looking down as I took another long drag of my cigarette, I gave her a small and very comfortable nod as I looked up at her through my bangs. God, she was so fucking intimidating.

"Uh, yeah," I nodded.

"I'm Amanda," she spoke, still smiling. "'ve 'eard so much about yeh."

The way she said it let me know she knew absolutely nothing about Oliver and I. At least not the important stuff. I was sure he had told her about me. Or that I had been mentioned sometime within the past two years. And while that was a bit comforting my skin wouldn't stop crawling.

I stole one last glance at Oliver before I just started to run. Because I may have not been good at a lot of things, but running was an art I had perfected.