Through the Mind of an MCR Fan
Liquid Darkness
I’m sinking… I don’t know how to swim, the liquid darkness is swallowing me - it’s turned into too much of an effort for me to fight it now, maybe it would be so much easier to just let go… Who would miss me? Who would actually give a shit if I was gone? All I do is cause trouble anyway… I’m sinking towards the depths of this despair and torture, and I don’t care whether I’ll be able to breath down there or not…
****
When I was… I young boy… My father… Took me into the city… to see a marching band…
Snap out of it! Swim! Come back to the surface!
I can’t hear the melody that is reaching out to me - Down here, I can’t hear anything… It’s so darn peaceful, I’d like to float around here forever. Where no one will be able to hurt me ever again, where I feel safe. Below the surface of my consciousness...
****
He said: ``Son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?´´
The only thing you’re doing is hurting yourself and other people! Swim, darn it!
****
I block out the melody - it’s starting to annoy me. It’s disturbing the blissful silence of my surroundings, and I don’t want it to speak to me like it is. I don’t want it’s help, I just want to be left alone in my own little world, forever…
****
He said: ``Will you defeat them, your demons and all the non believers - the plans that they have made?
Fight the silence! Let there be noise! Come join in the fun!
****
I can see light shining above me so I retreat even further into myself, hiding from it - I don’t want it to touch me, I just want to be left alone. Why won’t the melody just leave me be? Why is it so desperate to reach out to me? I don’t want noise, I don’t want fun, I just want to float around in silence and nothingness…
****
``Because, one day I’ll leave you, a phantom, to lead you in the summer - to join the Black Parade.´´
We don’t want you to be alone, we want you to live!
I dare to open my eyes and look up at the light… I see faces - five, to be exact, but they’re blurry, as if I was seeing them through water. Liquid darkness… are they trying to save me from it? His dad was going to join the ``Black Parade´´ one day…? So, he was going to die…? …That’s so sad…
****
When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band! He said-
Just a little closer… you’re almost the-
No! No, no, no, no! I shut my eyes, blocking out the light and covering my ears with both hands, blocking out the sound of the melody. I’d heard enough. While I’d been caught up in the light, I hadn’t noticed that I had gone a little closer to it - and away from my dark and silent paradise. No, I was never leaving this place, and no melody or blurry face was going to make me.
****
…We’ll carry on! We’ll carry on! And though you’re dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on! You’ll carry on!
We won’t leave you like this! Wake up! Swim!
****
I open my eyes, but I refuse to look up in the direction of the shimmering light above me… I blink back tears that sting in the salty liquid of the darkness around me. I’ll…carry on? Even if I were to die? As in… it wouldn’t be the end? People really would remember me? …Flinching from the pain in my eyes, I let the tears roll down my face and I long for the air above the surface, where I can finally vent all of these things that I’m feeling.
****
A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams - your misery and hate will kill us all
It’s alright to cry, you need to vent - come up here and scream your heart out!
****
Smiling weakly, I angle myself up towards the warm bright light above my head, tears still running down my face like a river. I struggle against the darkness that weighs me down like an anchor - I won’t let it win this time, I need to breath.
*****
``Do or die, you’ll never make me! Because the world will never take my heart! Come and try! You’ll never break me! We want it all! We want to play this part!´´
****
I literally scream along to the melody, not caring if the darkness scratches at my throat, trying to silence me. Nothing is going to keep me from getting to the surface, and the song was giving me long-lost strength and hope. I kick and thrash around, using every single ounce of energy I have to try and get closer to the now bright and warm light that continues to shimmer above me like a beacon of hope.
****
``Won’t explain or say I’m sorry! I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar! Give a cheer for all the broken! Listen here, because it’s who we are! Just a man, I’m not a hero, just a boy who had to sing this song! Just a man, I’m not a hero - I DON’T CARE!´´
****
I scream the last line, breaking the surface of the liquid darkness, laughing and crying in relief as I take in my first breath of fresh light air in a long time. I’ve missed being this light hearted, but the struggle isn’t over yet - I may have gotten to the surface, but I still find it hard to swim, and the darkness below is still trying to pull me down. Remembering the faces I had seen before, I look around to see if they were still there - I find them on the shore, waving and yelling at me to get my attention. They look pleased that I’d made it to the surface - are they the ones behind the melody that had saved me? Five guys, all dressed in marching band uniforms? Screaming? They had saved me? They had made me cry? Made me laugh? Made me breath?
Seeing as I have nowhere else to go, and because I’m worried I’d get too tired to stay afloat after a while, I struggle my way to the shore, where the five guys are waiting for me, apparently.
Feeling the warm sand below my feet at last, I stand where the waves of the darkness are still touching my ankles, but have no effect over me anymore - I’m waiting to see if I can trust my company before I make anymore advances.
They all stare at me intently and openly, apparently awaiting my decision. Well, they had saved me, I guess… I take a few steps forward and then pause, looking over my shoulder at the ocean of blackness behind me… I had been under there, drowning in my own sadness… and these five guys and their song had saved me.
I turn back around and a grin spreads across my face aimed in the direction of these five strangers - my way of venting relief - and I run towards them. They all embrace me in a group hug and everything then just feels great - I feel like nothing could ever hurt me again, not while they’re around. Like, they would protect me from absolutely anything that would do me harm.
That had been over three years ago….
I’m now sixteen years old, I have what I call my ``flock´´ of friends, that pick me up when I’m down. But, guess what? I’m still safely huddled into those - now four, unfortunately - guys’ embraces. Although, they’re anything but strangers to me now, I feel like I’ve known them forever - like they’re my best friends in the whole world, even though we’ve never even spoken to each other.
And I feel like I can now let go of them… I feel like I’m secure and sure of myself enough to live without their protection if I have to.
So I mutter to them, ``You can let me go now, you know,´´ and they all hesitate for a while, but one by one start leaving me… until at last, I’m left with only Gee clinging onto me.
``Are you sure?´´ He says.
I nod firmly, and he also lets me go. They all stand away from me for the first time in three years and a chilly breeze caresses my face, making me shiver. I had forgotten what it had been like to stand alone, to make my own decisions without seeking an opinion from someone else first.
But I’m ok, I know I can make it without My Chemical Romance now, if I absolutely have to - my whole sanity no longer depends on them, my life isn’t being juggled in their hands, if they drop me, I’ll fly away on my own, I won’t fall back into the darkness again.
And now I stand on the same shore as always, and I notice that they aren’t leaving - they’re all just standing there, watching me. I understand the message clearly: ``We’re always still going to be here, just in case you need us.´´
Words can’t describe how grateful I am to this band - I will forever be in their debt, and I just hope that one day, I’ll get the chance to say thank you for all they’ve done for me without even knowing it, by just being around.
****
When I was… I young boy… My father… Took me into the city… to see a marching band…
Snap out of it! Swim! Come back to the surface!
I can’t hear the melody that is reaching out to me - Down here, I can’t hear anything… It’s so darn peaceful, I’d like to float around here forever. Where no one will be able to hurt me ever again, where I feel safe. Below the surface of my consciousness...
****
He said: ``Son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?´´
The only thing you’re doing is hurting yourself and other people! Swim, darn it!
****
I block out the melody - it’s starting to annoy me. It’s disturbing the blissful silence of my surroundings, and I don’t want it to speak to me like it is. I don’t want it’s help, I just want to be left alone in my own little world, forever…
****
He said: ``Will you defeat them, your demons and all the non believers - the plans that they have made?
Fight the silence! Let there be noise! Come join in the fun!
****
I can see light shining above me so I retreat even further into myself, hiding from it - I don’t want it to touch me, I just want to be left alone. Why won’t the melody just leave me be? Why is it so desperate to reach out to me? I don’t want noise, I don’t want fun, I just want to float around in silence and nothingness…
****
``Because, one day I’ll leave you, a phantom, to lead you in the summer - to join the Black Parade.´´
We don’t want you to be alone, we want you to live!
I dare to open my eyes and look up at the light… I see faces - five, to be exact, but they’re blurry, as if I was seeing them through water. Liquid darkness… are they trying to save me from it? His dad was going to join the ``Black Parade´´ one day…? So, he was going to die…? …That’s so sad…
****
When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band! He said-
Just a little closer… you’re almost the-
No! No, no, no, no! I shut my eyes, blocking out the light and covering my ears with both hands, blocking out the sound of the melody. I’d heard enough. While I’d been caught up in the light, I hadn’t noticed that I had gone a little closer to it - and away from my dark and silent paradise. No, I was never leaving this place, and no melody or blurry face was going to make me.
****
…We’ll carry on! We’ll carry on! And though you’re dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on! You’ll carry on!
We won’t leave you like this! Wake up! Swim!
****
I open my eyes, but I refuse to look up in the direction of the shimmering light above me… I blink back tears that sting in the salty liquid of the darkness around me. I’ll…carry on? Even if I were to die? As in… it wouldn’t be the end? People really would remember me? …Flinching from the pain in my eyes, I let the tears roll down my face and I long for the air above the surface, where I can finally vent all of these things that I’m feeling.
****
A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams - your misery and hate will kill us all
It’s alright to cry, you need to vent - come up here and scream your heart out!
****
Smiling weakly, I angle myself up towards the warm bright light above my head, tears still running down my face like a river. I struggle against the darkness that weighs me down like an anchor - I won’t let it win this time, I need to breath.
*****
``Do or die, you’ll never make me! Because the world will never take my heart! Come and try! You’ll never break me! We want it all! We want to play this part!´´
****
I literally scream along to the melody, not caring if the darkness scratches at my throat, trying to silence me. Nothing is going to keep me from getting to the surface, and the song was giving me long-lost strength and hope. I kick and thrash around, using every single ounce of energy I have to try and get closer to the now bright and warm light that continues to shimmer above me like a beacon of hope.
****
``Won’t explain or say I’m sorry! I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar! Give a cheer for all the broken! Listen here, because it’s who we are! Just a man, I’m not a hero, just a boy who had to sing this song! Just a man, I’m not a hero - I DON’T CARE!´´
****
I scream the last line, breaking the surface of the liquid darkness, laughing and crying in relief as I take in my first breath of fresh light air in a long time. I’ve missed being this light hearted, but the struggle isn’t over yet - I may have gotten to the surface, but I still find it hard to swim, and the darkness below is still trying to pull me down. Remembering the faces I had seen before, I look around to see if they were still there - I find them on the shore, waving and yelling at me to get my attention. They look pleased that I’d made it to the surface - are they the ones behind the melody that had saved me? Five guys, all dressed in marching band uniforms? Screaming? They had saved me? They had made me cry? Made me laugh? Made me breath?
Seeing as I have nowhere else to go, and because I’m worried I’d get too tired to stay afloat after a while, I struggle my way to the shore, where the five guys are waiting for me, apparently.
Feeling the warm sand below my feet at last, I stand where the waves of the darkness are still touching my ankles, but have no effect over me anymore - I’m waiting to see if I can trust my company before I make anymore advances.
They all stare at me intently and openly, apparently awaiting my decision. Well, they had saved me, I guess… I take a few steps forward and then pause, looking over my shoulder at the ocean of blackness behind me… I had been under there, drowning in my own sadness… and these five guys and their song had saved me.
I turn back around and a grin spreads across my face aimed in the direction of these five strangers - my way of venting relief - and I run towards them. They all embrace me in a group hug and everything then just feels great - I feel like nothing could ever hurt me again, not while they’re around. Like, they would protect me from absolutely anything that would do me harm.
That had been over three years ago….
I’m now sixteen years old, I have what I call my ``flock´´ of friends, that pick me up when I’m down. But, guess what? I’m still safely huddled into those - now four, unfortunately - guys’ embraces. Although, they’re anything but strangers to me now, I feel like I’ve known them forever - like they’re my best friends in the whole world, even though we’ve never even spoken to each other.
And I feel like I can now let go of them… I feel like I’m secure and sure of myself enough to live without their protection if I have to.
So I mutter to them, ``You can let me go now, you know,´´ and they all hesitate for a while, but one by one start leaving me… until at last, I’m left with only Gee clinging onto me.
``Are you sure?´´ He says.
I nod firmly, and he also lets me go. They all stand away from me for the first time in three years and a chilly breeze caresses my face, making me shiver. I had forgotten what it had been like to stand alone, to make my own decisions without seeking an opinion from someone else first.
But I’m ok, I know I can make it without My Chemical Romance now, if I absolutely have to - my whole sanity no longer depends on them, my life isn’t being juggled in their hands, if they drop me, I’ll fly away on my own, I won’t fall back into the darkness again.
And now I stand on the same shore as always, and I notice that they aren’t leaving - they’re all just standing there, watching me. I understand the message clearly: ``We’re always still going to be here, just in case you need us.´´
Words can’t describe how grateful I am to this band - I will forever be in their debt, and I just hope that one day, I’ll get the chance to say thank you for all they’ve done for me without even knowing it, by just being around.