Second Life

The crisp bite of autumn air, the scent of decaying wood chips, and the creak of the old park swings remain forever etched in my memory. They mark the day of our separation, or at least that’s the way I liked to think of it. Things never stay the same for long. I’d watched it happen again and again in my troubled home life. Helplessly I watched my caring, nurturing mother become cold and distant. My father and protector vanished before my eyes. My grandmother, once lively despite age, faded from life. People change. My “intuition”, as I sometimes call it, knew Terra was only human. For months I’ve been torn between my two desires; to cling to our friendship. It’s the one stability of my hormonal, ever changing teenaged life before I was forever robbed of it; or simply let go. I was held back by fear of suffocation. It was the paranoia of setting off a faster chain, of more painful reactions that would thrust us apart faster than fate itself. In the end, paranoia won. I felt more alone than ever. For years I fought the curse this way. For after losing so much, I bitterly surrendered. I readily gave up the good things in life. It was better to let go, rather than grasp something with desire. To hold it in my hands with such fear of losing it, that the day life takes it, I’m left bruised and broken. I never realized that by avoiding this heart ache, I’d only brought myself more. Had I known, so much would be spared.

Terra speaks empty words. Lies about the times we’ve shared, and false promises of the good times to come. They dissolve in mid air. Yet in our final embrace, Terra reminds me that actions really can speak louder than words. The hug holds more truth than any spoken sentence. And in her clasp I relive every beautiful summer spent on this very playground, since were children. Every tear wiped away by her soft hand. Then, in spite of my scorn, I giggle. My rarely lit face turns to see Terra’s damp from tears. But now she too is laughing. We cling to each other, more tightly than ever. I stare into gray skies, and I laugh right into the face of destiny, the face of my curse. It’s an action that I now blame for the misfortune yet to come. Our merriment is cut short. A soft, tuneless note plays in the back of my head. And over time, it increases in volume and length. Before long, it’s an extended, relentless buzz that numbs the mind. Like a swarm of angered bees, the doubts in Terra, and the doubts in me merge and engulf what would’ve otherwise been a warm goodbye. The noise deafens and nauseates me as I’m torn from her arms.

“I-I should be going.” I choke on a lame apology, and then run. I trample over the sandbox, ignoring the docile gaze of toddlers. I shrug off their mothers’ stares of confusion. After the first mile, I’m already panting. I can’t escape my curse. I can’t escape the over powering emotions, of Terra pouring into me. But I can escape the buzz. It softens, until the only noise around me is the cawing crows and the buzzing late summer insects, left puzzled by the quick change in season. When I reach my drive way, it has finally gone. I collapse into the porch hammock. Terra is left stunned in the park. Our paths would not cross for some time.