Remembering Sunday
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
Fuck knows what I looked like, I pulled up outside and saw Jack and I froze, he ran over ripping open the door dragging me out, I shook my head as he locked my car.
“I can’t,” I whispered as I remembered all the flashing lights, the beds, the people, crowded rooms, the smell of the place and I started to shake as he guided me towards the door.
“Alex come on,” he said quietly and I grabbed his hand, the smell overwhelmed me.
He pulled me to follow him and I saw her laid on the bed and my heart stopped. I’d done this I’d put her here, “Baileys asleep” whispered Jack as he dragged me into the room.
I forced myself towards Lexi, I stroked her cheek and felt how cold she was and pulled my hand away.
I stood staring at her when a doctor walked in and I recognized him straight away “Get out!” I snapped, “Don’t touch her get out!” I shouted panicking.
I resisted the urge to grab Lexi and leave and Bailey woke up, “Alex Why are you here? Get out!” she shouted and Jack told her to be quiet.
“No don’t let him touch her, he’s the one who…” I trailed off as I started to cry and his eyes widened.
“My brother he’s the one who was his doctor and he died, he can’t touch her it’s all wrong I shouldn’t be here” I said trying to get out but Jack stopped me.
“Alex Gaskarth listen to me your not going anywhere it’s okay” he shouted grabbing my wrist.
“Gaskarth, your brother I remember him, you were a lot younger and she was here too” the doctor said pointing to Lexi.
“Please don’t” I begged and he nodded “It’s okay I can swap with someone would that be better?” he asked and I nodded.
He called another doctor “Son don’t worry she’s not as bad as your brother was, she’ll wake up, she just needs time” he reassured as I cried again.
Jack explained what happened with my brother to Bailey, she stayed quiet as I sat in the corner crying.
That night was the worse night of my entire life; if it weren’t for Lexi I’d have never made it through.
They say as you get older your memories fade and you get over things (or at least that’s what they tell you in therapy) but I knew for a fact I could be 100 years old and that night would still be there in my mind as haunting as ever.
I was only 16 and I’d been with Lexi for just over a year when it happened.
Nobody should have to see what I saw, nobody should see their parents cry the way I did, to go from being the youngest child to the only child in a night and nobody should ever have to find their brother half dead.
I’d been out with Lexi for a few hours and I came back home to pick up some dvd’s, I wanted one of my brothers so I went to ask him only to find him lying on his bed, his right wrist was covered in blood.
I dropped everything and ran to him to see he was still conscious and his eyes just stared at me as if I was a stranger.
I covered his wrist with my hand but he fought away from my grip every time “No” he whispered, the next thing Lexi was there and she’d tied her scarf around his wrist so tight he would never get it off and she called for help.
I was useless; I just sat there staring at him as he slowly lost consciousness, I was confused, scared and in shock.
The hospital was the worst part, there were people everywhere, there was a constant beeping and panicked voices and then there was him just lying there, nothing I did could help.
My parents showed up and we were there 8 hours and every single one of them was ingrained in my mind.
The doctor told us he’d slit his wrist, drank lots of alcohol and then taken sleeping tablets as well. I’d found him just as it was all overcoming his system; this wasn’t some stupid spur of the moment thing.
He’d meant it, he’d of had to save the amount of tablets he’d taken up for a few weeks and we’d never even known he was unhappy and we still didn’t know why he was. The best guess was it was 4 months since he’d split up with his girlfriend.
Then they told us he’d died, ‘There was nothing they could do’ and ever since it’s haunted me. My parents remembered him as a happy guy but I remembered him lying there on his bed dying.
The last thing my brother said to me he was begging for me to let him die, to not try and save his life and nothing would take that away.
I decided to wait outside in the corridor because I just couldn’t take the room anymore and Jack came with me, I curled up on the chair next to him holding his hand like a lost child and fell asleep as we waited for any news.
“I can’t,” I whispered as I remembered all the flashing lights, the beds, the people, crowded rooms, the smell of the place and I started to shake as he guided me towards the door.
“Alex come on,” he said quietly and I grabbed his hand, the smell overwhelmed me.
He pulled me to follow him and I saw her laid on the bed and my heart stopped. I’d done this I’d put her here, “Baileys asleep” whispered Jack as he dragged me into the room.
I forced myself towards Lexi, I stroked her cheek and felt how cold she was and pulled my hand away.
I stood staring at her when a doctor walked in and I recognized him straight away “Get out!” I snapped, “Don’t touch her get out!” I shouted panicking.
I resisted the urge to grab Lexi and leave and Bailey woke up, “Alex Why are you here? Get out!” she shouted and Jack told her to be quiet.
“No don’t let him touch her, he’s the one who…” I trailed off as I started to cry and his eyes widened.
“My brother he’s the one who was his doctor and he died, he can’t touch her it’s all wrong I shouldn’t be here” I said trying to get out but Jack stopped me.
“Alex Gaskarth listen to me your not going anywhere it’s okay” he shouted grabbing my wrist.
“Gaskarth, your brother I remember him, you were a lot younger and she was here too” the doctor said pointing to Lexi.
“Please don’t” I begged and he nodded “It’s okay I can swap with someone would that be better?” he asked and I nodded.
He called another doctor “Son don’t worry she’s not as bad as your brother was, she’ll wake up, she just needs time” he reassured as I cried again.
Jack explained what happened with my brother to Bailey, she stayed quiet as I sat in the corner crying.
That night was the worse night of my entire life; if it weren’t for Lexi I’d have never made it through.
They say as you get older your memories fade and you get over things (or at least that’s what they tell you in therapy) but I knew for a fact I could be 100 years old and that night would still be there in my mind as haunting as ever.
I was only 16 and I’d been with Lexi for just over a year when it happened.
Nobody should have to see what I saw, nobody should see their parents cry the way I did, to go from being the youngest child to the only child in a night and nobody should ever have to find their brother half dead.
I’d been out with Lexi for a few hours and I came back home to pick up some dvd’s, I wanted one of my brothers so I went to ask him only to find him lying on his bed, his right wrist was covered in blood.
I dropped everything and ran to him to see he was still conscious and his eyes just stared at me as if I was a stranger.
I covered his wrist with my hand but he fought away from my grip every time “No” he whispered, the next thing Lexi was there and she’d tied her scarf around his wrist so tight he would never get it off and she called for help.
I was useless; I just sat there staring at him as he slowly lost consciousness, I was confused, scared and in shock.
The hospital was the worst part, there were people everywhere, there was a constant beeping and panicked voices and then there was him just lying there, nothing I did could help.
My parents showed up and we were there 8 hours and every single one of them was ingrained in my mind.
The doctor told us he’d slit his wrist, drank lots of alcohol and then taken sleeping tablets as well. I’d found him just as it was all overcoming his system; this wasn’t some stupid spur of the moment thing.
He’d meant it, he’d of had to save the amount of tablets he’d taken up for a few weeks and we’d never even known he was unhappy and we still didn’t know why he was. The best guess was it was 4 months since he’d split up with his girlfriend.
Then they told us he’d died, ‘There was nothing they could do’ and ever since it’s haunted me. My parents remembered him as a happy guy but I remembered him lying there on his bed dying.
The last thing my brother said to me he was begging for me to let him die, to not try and save his life and nothing would take that away.
I decided to wait outside in the corridor because I just couldn’t take the room anymore and Jack came with me, I curled up on the chair next to him holding his hand like a lost child and fell asleep as we waited for any news.
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry it's quiet long :\