Shattered Secrets

I didn't call Brian the next day or the next and he didn't call me either. For the next week I lived my life like I did before Brian ever waltzed into my life and managed to fit there like we were sculpted for him.

Although I didn't see him, my mind never strayed far from his brown eyes or wide smile and Bronx would ask me everyday if Brian was going to come visit. I would just shake my head and bite my lip as Juliann stared at me like he knew that I was caught between the battle of my senses and emotions.

The logical side told me to erase Brian from my memories and pretend that he didn't exist at all, but the other side screamed at me to hold on and fight against anything that would keep him from coming back to me.

During Brian's absence, I had talked to Juliann about staying with me for awhile and he liked the idea, now all we had to do was tell our parents that he didn't want to live with them anymore and get them to agree that he'd be better off with me. It seemed that my life was changing, that everything was becoming different in just a few weeks. Brian was the missing piece that shifted everything else into motion. It had my head swirling that one man could affect me so drastically.

So in attempt to find a piece of normalcy, I called Amanda five days after Brian went back to his wife, leaving like Bronx's father had done five years before. Mandi showed up with a carton of ice cream, a pink pregnancy test, and a sympathetic smile.

I had taken Bronx to my mom and dad's house so that I could figure things out with my best friend. Tonight would be the night that two things change. Tonight Juliann would ask our parents to be free of them and I would find out if I was the woman to give Brian his first child.

Amanda and I watched movies and ate spaghetti for dinner. We talked about the jobs that she was looking for and Juliann moving in with me. We ate ice cream right out of the carton with spoons and dimmed the lights in the living room so that we could talk about where I was going to put the Christmas Tree and who would be coming over for Thanksgiving or if I was going to my parents again this year.

We did normal things, not bringing up anything about babies or music because music meant Avenged and Avenged meant Brian.

"Ready?" Manda asked after hours of being here and a whole pint of ice cream later.

I shook my head and buried myself deeper into the couch. Manda rolled her eyes. "Come on Nissa. We need to find out the truth! Brian could be running away for no reason!"

"He's a guy, Mands. What do you expect?" I whispered, "He's going to be married, so it doesn't matter anyway."

"Bullshit!" Manda yelled, "Just because AJ walked out on you doesn't mean that Brian's not going to show his face again! You just have to have a little faith, girl, not all men take off at the word 'baby'. And you haven't cared about Michelle this far, what changed your mind now? You can't make excuses for him, Nissa."

I shrugged. "I understand where he's coming from," I answered, "I wouldn't want to get roped into something like this. He thought we could go on forever existing as we were."

"Shut the hell up and take the damn pregnancy test so I know if I get to be a god-mother again," she demanded, pointing the box towards the stairs, "You need to stop moping and figure your shit out."

I rolled my eyes and stood up, complying because I knew that Manda would make me do it anyway. But as I walked up the stairs, the nerves settled in the pit of my stomach. With every step I took, the feeling grew and by the time I got to the bathroom I lurched to the toilet and emptied my lunch and dinner.

I groaned and stood up so that I could brush my teeth.

Minutes later, I was waiting for the pregnancy stick to do something. I closed my eyes as time passed and I cried out loud when Mandi walked past me and picked up the test from the bathroom counter.

My heart was pounding in my ears and I became cold as I stood there with my eyes shut tight, afraid of what Mandi was going to tell me. I rubbed my arms to get warm and I let out shaky breaths as I opened my eyes. Amanda was peering down at the white stick with concerned blue eyes. My eyes scanned the room, looking at everything around me before I could even glance down and accept my fate.

"If you are," Amanda whispered, "Will you consider not keeping it?"

"No." I answered strongly, feeling sick at the idea of losing that part of Brian, "It's my baby."

Amanda nodded solemnly, giving me the answer with out words. "It's Synyster Gates' baby, too."

I took in a shuttering breath as my knees collapsed from beneath me. I curled up against the bathtub while hugging my knees as my hair flew around my face and salt water ran from my eyes.

I looked up at Amanda as moisture landed on my cheeks and I pushed my hair away from my tired brown eyes. "Amanda," I whispered, "I'm having Brian's baby..."

She sighed and sat down near me. "I'm sorry," she said, blue eyes honest, "This isn't going to be easy."