Shattered Secrets

I went to get Bronx from my parents' the next morning. The whole ride there I was hoping that Juliann had already asked our parents if he could stay with me, and I hoped they would let him go easily. They knew he needed a change, but I wasn't sure if they'd be willing to let someone else give it to him.

I pulled into their driveway around 1:30 and grinned automatically as I saw my boy in the living room window. I waved to Bronx as I got out of the car and soon enough he disappeared from sight. I wandered up to the door and pushed it open quickly, searching the room for any sign of my family.

Bronx raced up and jumped into my arms. I lifted him up and kissed his forehead multiple times. "Hey, baby!" I greeted, so in love with the child, "How was your night?"

Bronx grinned, his little arms around my neck. "Good! We had Chinese food last night!"

I smiled at him and asked a couple questioned to keep him talking. I then called out, "Juliann? Mom? Dad?" I looked at my brother for an answer as he came down the stairs. "Hey, little brother. How's it going?"

Juliann just continued down to me. "They're in the kitchen."

I rolled my eyes at his lack of description and walked past him. "That's helpful, thanks, Jules."

He shrugged once again and continued into the kitchen behind me. When we came through, both of them were standing at the island, talking easily about something, and they turned and grinned at me when they saw me. "Nissa! When did you get here?" my father asked, coming over to pull me into a hug.

I hugged him back. "Just a few minutes ago. I called your name when I came in."

My mom walked over and replaced him in my arms.

"Hey Mom, how have you been?" I asked.

She smiled, obviously knowing nothing about the plan that my brother and I came up with. "Great honey," she answered, touching my son's face, "I love having Bronx here for a night."

I nodded and shifted on my feet as Juliann nudged me anxiously. I looked to him and he put a pleading look on his face. I set Bronx on his feet and told him to go play while I talk to Nana and Papa. I sent Juliann with him, but the fifteen year old was difficult to leave. Finally, he listened, and took off after his nephew.

"What's this all about, Niss?" my dad asked as we all took our seats at the table.

"I want Juliann to move in with me," I stated carefully, watching as my mother became shocked.

"What? Why?" she asked, reaching out to grab my father's hand.

"Because Junior is screwing up a lot here in L.A and I think that a change of scenery will do him good," I told her, offering a small smile, "I just want to get him out of here. There's nothing left for him except crappy friends who keep leading him into trouble."

My dad sighed. He obviously hadn't been able to prepare for this conversation. "Nissa, I don't know if that is a good idea. You already have one child, do you really want another?"

My heart quickened as I thought about the literal meaning of his words and then I realized that he meant Juliann and I relaxed, pushing the unnamed baby from my mind. "Dad, Jay is hardly a child. He's fifteen," I argued, "If anything, he'll be more of a help than a burden. He watches himself when he's with me, you know that.

"I still don't think you can handle this, Nissa, do you want another responsibility? You don't even have enough space for him there. And you certainly can't burden Bronx with having to share a room. Juliann is not your responsibility. You don't have to do this."

"Dad," I argued, "This isn't about what I do or don't have for him or whose responsibility he is. This is about getting him out of here before he screws up his life," I said loudly, trying to get my point across to the both of them.

My parents shared a look and then turned to me. "We know that Juliann is messing up here, but moving him to a different place? Is that really the answer to all his issues?"

"It's a start" I stated, "Junior needs to get away. He needs to start over, start fresh." I quieted down, knowing that if they wouldn't understand at this then they wouldn't understand.

They were quiet for a few moments, sharing looks and a silent conversation. But finally after silent deliberation my mom sighed and gripped onto my hand even tighter. "You know," she said, "I don't like the thought of my youngest moving out already, but if it's what he needs then I say let him go."

I smiled gratefully and rushed forward to pull her into my arms. This would be good for Juliann, and it would be good for me too. "Thanks, mom," I murmured, with my arms around her neck, "This means a lot to the both of us."

An hour and a half later, we were cramming most of Juliann's things into the trunk and backseat of my car, and a half an hour after that the three of us were driving back to my house to get Junior all settled in.

We'd spent more than enough time saying goodbye to our parents. They acted as though they would never see him again, but I knew they were just worried about him. He'd gotten into enough trouble under their watch, there would be even more room for him to mess up with me.

"Am I going to have to sleep on the couch forever?" Juliann asked as I tossed his blanket there once we got home.

"No," I answered, "We'll get you a bed and set you up in Bronx's room. He'll learn to share."

Bronx screeched unhappy, looking at me as though it was the most ludicrous thing he'd ever heard me say. When I gave him a warning look, he stifled that emotion and murmured, "You could at least ask."

"Bronx, can your uncle please share your bedroom?" I questioned sarcastically, already making my way up the stairs so that I could dump all Juliann's things there.

Bronx muttered unintelligently, realizing that he didn't actually have a say in the matter. He trudged his own bag up the stairs and followed me to his bedroom.

"Thanks, nephew!" Juliann chuckled, lifting the boy and carrying him up the stairs.

~

The doorbell rang as Juliann and I were moving Bronx's bed to one wall so that we would be able to fit Juliann's in the room as well. It was being shipped over within the next few days from our parents' house, but it wouldn't fit without some serious rearranging.

Bronx, who was sitting on the bed and staring at his mess of a room, jumped up and raced down the stairs before I could catch him. "I'll get it!" he shouted as he barreled down the stairs, managing to stay upright despite his socks and the wooden floor.

I was nervous because I knew who that would be, and I followed him quickly. He was already opening the door by the time I made it to the top of the stairs, and I froze, watching as the dark man came into sight and lifted my child in his arms like he was his own.

I wandered down the stairs as Brian tossed Bronx down onto the couch and made crashing noises. "Brian," I greeted solemnly, watching the musician whip around. His smile turned to a small frown as he felt the seriousness in the air and saw my matching expression.

"Nissa I-" he started.

"Bronx," I said to stop him, "Go up stairs and make sure Juliann stays in your room."

Bronx sighed and threw himself off the couch. "I always have to leave."

"Yup," I murmured, "Now go."

As soon as Bronx disappeared I turned to Brian hostilely, "What are you doing here?" I asked, arms crossed and posture fixed. It'd been over a week and I imagined that I'd be doing this on my own. I wouldn't hold it against him, but a decision had to be made now.

Brian stuttered for a minute before he sighed and stood just in front of me. "I'm sorry," he murmured, leaning forward to rest his forehead against my own head, "I just... I need to know Nissa," he told me, a small smile coming over his face. He looked happy, but I could see the fear in his eyes.

Chills crept up my spine, the hair on my neck pricked. My palms began to sweat at his words and my stomach churned, making me feel like I wanted to run away and hide at the same time. "Brian..." I trailed off, afraid of so many things.

I watched the way his eyes shined when the light hit them or the way he would rake his fingers through his hair every few seconds when his nerves got too high. I watched him as he shifted, waiting for my words, and I could see so many things that I loved about him.

Then I thought about Michelle and I wondered if she noticed these things about him too. I wondered if she was sitting at home, waiting for Brian to come home and tell her he missed her. I thought about the guys, Zacky, Matt, and Johnny and how they would react if Brian just popped up and told them that he was expecting a kid with the girl who swooped in and ruined everything. Who changed everything.

In a moment of terror, I shook my head and looked up to meet his eyes, "No Bri," I gulped and then took a deep breath, "I'm not pregnant."

Brian let out a gust of air and I watched him, looking for relief or disappointment. All I found was a wall. "Oh," Brian murmured, "That's good then, isn't it?" He smiled the kind of smile that was genuine and honest. It was a Brian smile and I adored it. I pushed my eyes closed to keep from seeing it.

"Brian," I spoke, knowing that my words had to be said, even if it hurt to put them out there, "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Brian looked at me, shocked and questioning. "What are you talking about, Nissa?"

"I can't do this," I answered, "This scared me, Brian. I could've changed your whole life and I don't want to do that. It's not fair to you, or Michelle, or your friends, or even me. So you need to go and forget that any of this ever happened, Bri." I turned my dark eyes to his. I was guarded, trying my best to brace myself for the looks that were going to come.

"Nissa, you can't be serious," he answered, reaching out for me, "We can be more careful, it doesn't have to be this way. You can't throw me out like this."

"I'm not throwing you out," I answered, hating the sound of it, "I'm tell you what you should do, Brian. For your fiance and your family, and for mine too." I was practically crying, not that it was a rare thing for me, but it was hard to ask Brian to leave forever when it was obvious that I didn't really want him to. I hoped he would see my tears as honesty and understand that it was important. How could it not be when it hurt so bad.

We were in the doorway, and Brian was standing there, halfway gone already. "Nissa, don't," he said, dark eyes pleading, "I love you. I fucking love you, Nissa."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He'd said something similar before, but I heard certainty in his voice now. But it was too late and we were too wrong, and I couldn't hurt others just to keep from hurting us. It was the wrong time for the two of us, and we both knew it. But I loved him too, so shutting him out was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Even harder than watching Bronx's father shut us out. Being on the other end, it didn't just hurt, it was practically suicide.