I Won't Say I'm in Love

"I always felt insecure and in the way, but most of all, I felt scared. I guess I wanted love more than anything else in the world." -Marilyn Monroe

I paced back and forth in my bedroom, thinking about my run-in with Jacob at school that morning. I couldn’t tell if I was hurt or angry. I guess I was both. It’s one thing for Jennifer to call me a whore; I don’t like her. But Jacob…

Jacob was my rock. My safe place. He was the one person I knew—or thought I knew—I could count on unconditionally. He made my world better and put a smile on my face with just a laugh. Or a hug. I had never had to try to please him. He loved me—all of me—for me. He was somebody I thought I could trust to take care of me, no matter the circumstances.

But how could I trust him as completely as I wanted to when his jealousy about something that never even happened was making him hate me, and I, him? We were turning against each other. Our trust for each other was beginning to disappear, like water that’s been on to boil too long.

And I had started to seriously question his sincerity towards me. He preached all the time about how much I meant to him, but his behavior proved otherwise. Time and time again he had left me out to dry, especially when I needed him the most. I already had a trust issues, and trusting him wasn’t coming as naturally as it used to. It was becoming a chore, an all-too-conscious decision.

I used to like to wonder what it would be like to date Jacob. Initially, I thought that it would all be perfect. He would buy me elaborate bouquets, where the card would simply say, “Happy Tuesday. I love you.” We would do spontaneous, wonderful things, like go skydiving, or take a spur-of-the-moment road trip to Disneyland. He would be sweet and understanding and do his best to always let me know just how much he loved me.

Lately, however, fantasizing about Jacob and I was becoming…difficult. I couldn’t depend on him. I couldn’t believe in him anymore. I felt like I did when I began to grudgingly realize that Santa Claus was, in fact, a myth, just like Brandon had said. A fat man flying around the earth in one night to stuff himself down every chimney in the world and deliver all the children the gift of their dreams wasn’t making as much sense as it used to.

But I guess love is just as fake as any fairytale. And I should probably acknowledge that sooner than I did when I was six. I thought I had heard Santa Claus downstairs on Christmas Eve, so I ran down to catch him. It was just my dad, stumbling in smashed as hell with one of his equally intoxicated whores. That was how I stopped fooling myself with that myth. And unless I wanted the next time to be just as painful and humiliating, I should probably convince myself that love doesn’t exist now.

There were two quick knocks on my door, pulling me out of my reverie. “Come in,” I granted, watching as Jared entered the room, closing the door behind him.

“Heya. Dinner’s ready,” he said.

“Okay. Thanks.”
“Yeah. Thought I’d also let you know that Jacob’s eating dinner with us tonight.” Jared said it coolly as he started toward the door, obviously hoping that what he said wouldn’t register with me until he was out of throwing distance.

“What?!” I exclaimed, stopping him and making him sigh. He turned around, his hands up in surrender.

“Hey, don’t get mad at me. Sam invited him over.”

“Why is he here?” I demanded through clenched teeth, crossing my arms.

“Sam needs to talk to all of the guys about something.”

“So why can’t he do it tomorrow, when I DON’T have to be there?”

“Because it’s apparently urgent, and needs to be done tonight.” I sighed, a slight growl resonating in my throat.

“I am not happy,” I announced, grabbing a v-neck tank top and a light, long sleeved jacket.

“I can see that,” Jared responded as I took off my t-shirt and slipped a baggier one on over my sweatpants.

“Woah!” Jared shouted.

“What? I’ve changed in front of you before. It’s no big deal!” I shouted. It really wasn’t. It was like me changing in front of Brandon. If Jared were at all turned-on by that, it’d just be weird.
He walked forward and seized my forearm firmly.

“What the hell is this? Jared shouted, looking at my upper arm. I sighed. I had been hoping he wouldn’t notice,

“They’re bruises. From when Oliver and his son-of-a-bitch friend were holding me hostage. It’s nothing,” I muttered, trying to make it sound unimportant. Jared wasn’t buying it.

“You look like you were beaten! I mean damn, did you go on a date with Chris Brown recently or what?” I looked down at them and couldn’t help but wince. He was right. They were hideous. The places where my arms were gripped were swollen and purplish. It looked like my arm was rotting. They were littered all up and down my biceps and elbows, and they were extremely tender. I was using arnica and icing them for about twenty minutes a few times a day and taking Ibuprofen, but they were taking forever to heal.

I pulled my wrist from Jared as I slid on the light jacket. “I know. I’m just going to have to keep them covered until they go away. I’ll be fine,” I promised. Jared’s face became concerned and he obviously wanted to say something, but didn’t. I smiled convincingly at him and kissed him quickly on the cheek. “C’mon. Let’s go see just how fun this dinner will get.” Jared smiled and rolled his eyes, making me laugh as we went downstairs.

As we walked downstairs, I was very displeased to see Jacob, along with all the other boys, shirtless. My heart just about exploded to see him sitting there, his slowly growing hair flopping into his sparkling brown eyes. I felt a small glimmer of affection, and I felt an instinctive urge to reach out and brush it away. But my anger for him dominated it, and I just wanted to punch him in the nose and make him bleed.

By the time I had gotten to the bottom of the stairs, Jacob didn’t seem to be nervous or unhappy or feel any sort of way about seeing me. However, I was very irked to discover that the only seat around the crowded table was right beside him. There would be no way for us not to touch. I sighed, composed myself as best as I could and walked around the table to my seat.

Jacob was silently piling more of the spaghetti with giant, homemade meatballs onto his plate with an impassive face. As I sat down, my arm was pressed against his and I wanted to stab my hand with the fork I was wielding when I felt my heart rate go up and my arm begin to buzz like an angry bee.

I took a deep breath to calm myself (which wasn’t really helping) and grabbed some food. My and Jacob’s silence didn’t seem to catch the attention of Sam and Emily. Everyone was maintaining their several different loud conversations, but all of the boys were throwing nervous glances our way now and again. Emily and Sam, however, seemed completely oblivious.

I ate my meal as fast as I could, which turned out to not be all that fast since I wasn’t really hungry. I had almost gotten through the entire dinner in a fuming silence when it happened.
The peas were sitting to the right of me, closest to Embry. Jacob apparently wanted some more, but was too much of a conceited, lazy ass to ask for them to be passed to him. He instead reached over me and tried to grab them. Due to the close quarters, his arm brushed against my rather exposed chest. The strong jolt of electricity that coursed through me and raised every single hair on my body made me jump and spill my water.

“Y’know, Jacob, there are these things called manners? People who aren’t savages tend to use them nowadays,” I quipped. Jacob stopped where he was, obviously just as pissed at me as I was at him. This kind of thing happened all the time at dinner, and I never made any kind of deal out of it. Why would I? It was nothing to even make a deal out of. But it was like both my brain and my mouth had been itching to pick a fight with Jacob all night just to show him how angry and betrayed and hurt I felt. Now that the opportunity had arisen, I wasn’t planning on letting it go anytime soon.

“It’s kind of close quarters, Calypso. I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, now did I?” I could sense myself bristling at the condescending tone he was using with me. It was like I was some intolerable three-year-old he had to baby-sit against his will. I was determined to utterly crush him under the force of my fury.

“Well, Jacob.” I began, batting my eyelashes and forcing a smile on my face to show him just how frustrating it was to be treated like an infant. “Embry was sitting nearer to the peas than you were. You could have politely asked him to pass them down to you.” Jacob blinked at me, his eyes blazing. I don’t think he would have liked anything more than to hit me just then.

Instead, he ignored me and kept serving himself. I felt myself get even angrier, and now wanted to stab the fork into his hand. We were starting to call Sam and Emily’s attention to ourselves. There was a slight buzz of conversation still lingering, the way it does when people try to avert attention from a private, unpleasant situation that has become a public, unpleasant situation. But eventually, curiosity killed the cat, and everyone was staring at us.

“Here’s what’s gonna happen,” I started, dropping the Little Miss Sunshine voice. I snatched the peas from Jacob and slammed them back down on the table where they were initially. “You’re going to politely request that Embry hand the peas to you—”

“Dammit, Calypso—” Jacob muttered, gripping his utensils much harder than necessary.

“Do NOT interrupt me, Jacob Black!” I hollered pissed as hell now. “You are going to use
common table manners and ask for the peas—”

“You’re being stupid—!”

“And you will use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’—”

“You’re such a bit—”

“And then you will eat like you don’t have a hollow leg. Understand?” Both of our voices
were raised, and everybody was looking at us, either with looks of confusion, worry or
amusement. The amusement part was mostly Paul and Jared.

“Embry, will you please pass the mother fu—”

“Language!” Emily hollered over him.

“Peas?” he growled, talking to Embry, but never breaking eye contact with me.

“Uh…yeah…” Embry said, nervously handing Jacob the peas.

“And you say?” I asked Jacob in a “controlled” voice, cocking an eyebrow.

“THANK YOU!” he roared in my face, spilling all of the peas onto his plate.

“What the hell is going on?” Sam asked, also becoming quite upset.

“Now was it so hard to behave like a decent human being?” I asked Jacob. There as a loud screech followed by a slam as Jacob shot out of his chair, making its legs scrape the floor and fall back.

“You know what, Calypso, fuck you!” Jacob barked. I stood up when he did, trying to look as intimidating as I could.

“Get bent, Jacob!” I had to admit, I was kind of afraid of him at that moment. He was much taller than me by about three heads, and had ridiculously toned muscles that were very tensed up. If we got into a fight, I would probably curl up into a ball to keep from getting harmed too badly, like you do when confronted by a bear. But for now, at least, I would pretend not to be afraid of him.

“Okay, will somebody please explain to us what is happening?” Emily requested, looking very frazzled as she stood up.

Breaking eye contact with Jacob, and opting to point at him instead, I looked at Emily and yelled, “Jacob called me a lying whore!”

Sam looked upset, and said something in regards to that bit of information, but it was drowned out by Jacob who hollered, “Only because you are one!”

“HEY!” Sam bellowed, starting to stand up.

“That’s it!” I screamed. All I knew is that I wanted to cause Jacob immense physical pain, and before I was aware of what I was doing, I grabbed a fork and was going to stab it into his shoulder when Emily stopped me.

“That’s ENOUGH!” she yelled, gripping me fiercely by the bicep of my descending arm and dragged me away. I dropped the fork and yelped in pain as my very tender arm was squeezed and yanked on.

Apparently, I had made such an agonized sound that Emily dropped my arm and looked at me in horror as if it had burned her. When she let it go, I let out a squeak as my arm sighed in relief. I screwed my eyes shut tight and bit my bottom lip hard to keep from crying, holding my arm close to myself as if to keep it safe from any further injury.

“Calypso, what is wrong with you?” Emily demanded, beginning to pull of my jacket to see what was hurting me.

“NO!” I yanked it back into place before she could see anything. Emily looked at me confused, wondering now what could be there that I didn’t want her to see.

“Calypso, I have to know what’s hurting you—” she said more firmly, reaching for my jacket again. I grasped it tighter and held it closer to me.

“Emily, please! I’m fine,” I insisted as she began to tug on the shoulder again. We struggled for a moment before she finally pulled it down enough to see the first and one of the worse bruises. She gasped and frowned at it, obviously a little disgusted and majorly concerned. Wincing at her reaction, I gave up and let her pull the sleeve down, the disgust on her face slowly morphing into horror as she realized just how many were on my arm. She pulled the jacket off of the other side and sighed when she saw that it was just as bad.

“Calypso…” she breathed, putting a hand to her face.

“When did that happen?” Sam demanded. I sighed and took off my jacket, throwing it onto my chair.

“It happened at the party,” I resigned, running a hand through my hair.

“Who did this? Is Nate jerking you around?” My eyes flew open wide.

“NO! No, no, no, no, no. Oh, God no,” I said, waving my hands and shaking my head. “Not even.” I sat up on the counter, swinging my feet and leaning my head against the cupboard.

“Are you sure?” Emily asked me. I looked at her, a bit offended. Whenever a sensitive subject with Nate came up, I always became a bit defensive around Emily. She already disapproved of my dating Nate, and I felt like this was just another opportunity for her to get me to break up with him.

“Yes, Emily. I am sure that Nate does not beat me,” I said in a very clipped tone. She nodded, obviously a little hurt, but I honestly didn’t care enough to apologize just then.

“Well then, what happened?” Sam demanded again.

“Jennifer wanted to publicly humiliate me, and that required two guys from the football team to hold me against my will,” I explained briefly, not really wanting to go much more in depth than that.

“Wait, weren’t all of you at the party?” Sam asked, suspicion beginning to taint his voice. Everybody was silent. His brow furrowed. “You can’t honestly expect me to believe that nobody saw this.” Again, he was answered with silence. There was a very subtle change in Sam’s face, and that one shift made it go from upset to furious.

“Okay. Let me ask you jackasses directly then,” he growled, obviously very upset now. “Who saw Calypso getting abused and did absolutely nothing about it?” Eyes shifted nervously around the table. Each second of silence seemed to stretch on longer than the last until I was sure we had been sitting there for an hour. It had only been seven seconds, the only relief from the silence being when someone nervously fidgeted or cleared their throat.
I don’t know why I didn’t rat Jacob out. I guess I didn’t hate him as much as I thought I did—not that I was planning on telling him that any time soon. And maybe I was also kind of hoping that he would own up to what he did and apologize and mean it. Maybe if he stood up here and confessed, I would believe that he felt some kind of remorse.

However, not everybody in the kitchen had the same idea as I did.

“Jacob saw what happened and did nothing,” Jared announced nonchalantly when he acknowledged that no one was going to say anything.

“What?!” Sam yelled, standing up from his chair and glaring at Jacob.

“She slept with Nate!” Jacob yelled back, standing up as well.

“WHAT?! No I did not!” I hollered, hopping off of the counter. “Stop saying that like it’s a fact!”

“Why, Calypso? It IS a fact!” he said back.

“Were you there, Jacob? Were you lurking in some corner watching us?”

“NO, but—”

“Then shut! Up! You weren’t there. I was. So you would think that I would know what happened, yes?”

“Wait, why the hell didn’t you help her, Jacob?” Sam asked, still baffled.

“You know what, you two need to go outside,” Emily said, beginning to usher us out the door.

“WHAT?” Jacob and I exclaimed at once.

“Yup. You two need to go work this out outside, right now.”

“Emily, this is ridiculous!” Jacob urged.

“I’m not in any mood to talk to him!”

“I don’t care. You guys can talk, yell, fight—hell, kill each other.” By this point, she had backed us both into the doorway and we were pleading for her to let us inside. “Just not in my house,” she growled before slamming the door in our faces. Both of us headed for a different window trying to appeal to her, but she also drew all of the venetian blinds, completely shutting us out.

“UGH!” I stomped off to the top of the driveway and started to walk away from the house before Jacob called me back.

“Where are you going?” he called after me. I whirled around and angrily stomped back down the driveway to him.

“Oh, my job. Cuz y’know. I’m a WHORE AND ALL!” I hollered, my last few words being thrown in his face when I was standing in front of him. He rolled his eyes exasperatedly.

“That’s not what I meant, Calypso—”

“Then why did you say it, Jacob?” I placed my hands on my hips and looked him in the eye. I was asking him seriously now, my armor and weapons put away. I was making myself vulnerable to him and I saw him often because of it.

“I didn’t mean to—”

“Why?” I whispered, talking around the lump in my throat.

“Calypso, I was angry at you! You slept with Nate and you keep lying to me about it—”

“I did not. Sleep with him, Jacob. How many times do I have to say that?”

“How do I know that?”

“Because that’s what I’m telling you!” I yelled, getting frustrated again. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Your shirt was undone, and your shoes were untied!” Jacob shouted back.

“Do you wanna hear what REALLY happened?”

“Yes, Calypso. Actually, I would feel MUCH better if you told me what happened.”

“FINE. I didn’t sleep with him, okay?” I paused, a little embarrassed at that admittance, especially when Jacob lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “I almost did, but I called a safe word right before things happened and we STOPPED. NOTHING. HAPPENED. Are you happy now?” Jacob was just staring at me, completely appalled. I wanted him to say something so that I could yell some more, but he still seemed to be absorbing what was just said.

“So…nothing happened?” he asked simply, still a bit taken back by the actual events.

“Nothing of significance, no,” I said in an abrupt tone.

“Why not?” he asked shyly, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking back and forth on his feet, looking at the ground. I sighed and looked up at the darkness of the sky, heavy clouds skating on its surface and playing peek-a-boo with the moon.

“Because I don’t love him,” I answered simply. Jacob looked up at me and I looked back at him, not wanting to break eye contact. “I want to love him, Jacob. And I am getting there. But until I have both feet firmly planted in that territory, I can’t do anything like that with him.”

“Well why didn’t you just say that before?” he asked. I felt anger enter my system again, and I practically exploded from it.

“Because I shouldn’t have to, Jacob! You should just take my word for it!” I screamed, stepping back from him so I could have room to fling my arms around.

“Why, Calypso?” he shouted at me, fuming again as well.

“Because I wouldn’t lie about this!”

“How do I know that?”

“ ‘Why’ this! ‘How’ that! All you’ve been doing is questioning me, Jacob! Do you hear yourself? What have I ever done to make you not trust me?” Jacob struggled to come up with something, opening his mouth as if the answers would fly in, but nothing came.

“Exactly. And you’re hating me and screaming at me all because of some claim that Jennifer made…”

And then it hit me. ‘A claim that Jennifer made.’

“Never mind…” I whispered, a slight smile rested on my face as I became darkly amused by my ignorance. I hadn’t seen it before and it was actually kind of funny how stupid I had been.

“ ‘Never mind?’ Calypso, what the hell is wrong with you?” Jacob asked, frustrated by my sudden vagueness.

“I get why you took her word over mine now,” I started. “She was willing to give you something I was too busy giving to Nate.”

“Oh, really, Calypso? What was that?” Jacob scoffed.

“A boner, Jacob!” I exclaimed, angry that he was writing me off.

“What? Calypso, what are you even talking about?” he demanded. His body language and tone signified that my last statement was absolutely ludicrous. But his eyes let me know that he understood what I was referencing, even if his words wouldn’t.

“Don’t pretend like I’m being dumb. Unlike you, I’m not pulling this out of my ass.” He maintained his confused and affronted look.

“Excuse me?” I stepped closer and lowered my voice.

“I saw you, Jacob. I saw you kissing her.” I said this while staring him dead in his eyes, daring him to contradict me or try to convince me otherwise.

And then the dumb jackass took the dare.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Calypso,” he spat before beginning to walk away.

“Oh! Okay. I guess seeing you guys dry humping on the bed was just the five beers I had playing tricks on me. Oh, wait! I ONLY HAD HALF OF ONE!”

“How would you know that was us? It was dark in all the rooms,” he yelled, obviously getting frustrated that I was calling him out so harshly.

“Oh, don’t pull that bullshit, Jacob! There was enough light in the hallway that it flooded the entire room. I guess you didn’t notice since she had her NASTY tongue shoved so far into your STUPID head, you couldn’t even SEE straight!” I hollered at him.

“FINE! Yes, I made-out with Jennifer at the party, and when she left to ‘go to the bathroom’—which is when I assume she saw you and Nate sneaking into the next room and devised her plan or whatever—I decided I would act like it never happened.”

“You weren’t even going to tell me? You were going to let me believe that nothing had ever happened between you two at the party?” I screamed, furious at him now, and even madder that I was about to cry, with fat, pathetic tears wobbling on the edges of my eyes.

“Why would I, Calypso? What does it matter to you?”

“Because I deserve to know something like that, Jacob!” My voice sounded choked and wobbly and I wanted some way to break up the steadily growing lump in my throat.

“What I do with other girls is my business, Calypso!” Jacob was roaring in my face now, practically blowing my hair back as he towered over me. “I owe you no commitment!”

Then…something inside of me broke. Like an old, strong vase that had been tipped, its demise was sudden but certain. And I felt it happen. Not the fall, but the crash. And it hurt.

“You’re right,” I finally croaked after the echo of the smash had settled down and I could talk over it. “You owe me absolutely no commitment. And I don’t know why I get so angry about these kinds of things as if you do.”

Jacob was sorry. I could see it. I could feel it emanating from him. I began to walk away from the house again, wanting nothing more than to be far, far away from him. “Calypso…” he mumbled as he took my arm and tried to pull me back to him. The rain was starting to come down by that point, and it wasn’t just a few drops here and there. The drops had gotten bigger and heavier, and I could feel each and every one as it came in contact with my skin.

“Please don’t touch me,” I whispered, a weak sob escaping me as I pried my arm from him. I didn’t want him to see that my cheeks had become soaked with tears, and I needed to get away before my sobs became uncontrollable. I pulled away from him and ran across the street into the dark forest. I could hear Jacob yelling after me for a few seconds before I got so deep into the thickness of the forest that I couldn’t hear anything except the rain drowning the trees, twigs breaking beneath my feet, and my breathless sobs as I pushed branches out of my way.

After about five minutes, I was deep in the forest and wanted to go deeper, but I saw a tall, strong pine that was begging me to climb it. Its bottom branch offered itself willingly, and I used it to start climbing. I made sure to be careful since it was all slippery and wet, but I made it about twenty feet up before the branches got thinner and too spread out to easily climb. I settled against the trunk of the tree, held it tight, and cried. I don’t how long I sat there and sobbed for. Long enough that the heat that my body had generated during my jog had worn off and I was shivering. My hair was plastered to my face and dripping water, making me even colder.

“CALYPSO!” I could hear somebody calling my name through the darkness.

“Jacob?” I called back in a questioning tone, unsure if it was him.

“Yeah! Where are you?” he responded. I silently “harrumph”-ed to myself.

“GO AWAY!” I screamed, pulling my legs closer to my body while my teeth chattered so fiercely that my jaw was beginning to ache. I could see the silhouette of his figure moving far below me, looking up in the trees. I expected his eyes to glide right over me, but he somehow spotted me sitting way up there, like he had crazy intense animal vision or something. He started climbing the tree to get to me and I groaned aloud. I was very surprised at his agility, however. Considering how big and hulking he was, I figured he would be clumsy, but he scaled the tree with appalling grace.

“I didn’t peg you for the tree hugger type,” he joked as he settled close to me, smiling. It was all I could do to keep glaring at him. Seeing him like that—bare-chested with rain rolling off of his ridiculously-over-defined-but-sexy muscles and forming gleaming beads in his hair while he flashed that extremely alluring smile at me was just about enough to almost put me over the edge. Honestly, I couldn’t have thought of anything better than for him to take me into my arms and just…

Hold me.

Lucky for me, right then was when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in really close, rubbing my arms to get my blood flowing again. I protested silently, but my body rejoiced as his bizarre body heat invaded me and started to unfreeze my blood cells. We sat there quietly as the sound of my chattering teeth slowed to silence, leaving us with only the sound of the rain and each other’s breathing. I decided to enjoy this moment, seeing as soon now, I was going to have to be mad at him again.

But, in all sincerity, I missed Jacob. A lot. I hated fighting with him, and I especially hated it when that fighting got in between us the way it had started to recently. We would be apart for days at a time, leaving me feeling more and more broken with each passing hour. And with each hour that I wasn’t with him, that was one more hour where I couldn’t watch him smile at me. Or hear his voice. Or just simply breathe with him.

I eventually got tired of the silence as it began to make me uncomfortable. “Why did you call me a whore?” I asked him softly. I wasn’t sure if he had heard me or not, and if he didn’t, I would drop it. He didn’t answer me immediately; he seemed to be in his own little world. I sighed and decided to begrudgingly leave it alone.

“Because I was angry,” he finally answered me, rubbing my back as he shifted.

“But that’s not a sufficient reason to call someone who cares about you—and who you supposedly care about as well—a lying whore.” Jacob sighed, obviously getting a little bit agitated.

“Calypso, I didn’t mean it—”

“Jacob, that’s not a very good excuse,” I responded, mimicking the tone he used when he said my name.

“Maybe not, but it is accurate.”

“How is that even—” I sat up and was beginning to get upset again, but Jacob interrupted me calmly.

“Did you mean it when you said I could burn in hell?” he asked me gently. I closed my mouth, caught off-guard by his sudden question.

“Well, no. Of course I didn’t mean it. It was like, diarrhea of the mouth.” He laughed.

“Exactly. I shouldn’t have said it, and I know that. I hated myself for it before I was even done speaking. But I can’t take it back. You also said some things to me I think that you wish you could take back. But we can’t. So we can either dwell on it forever, or apologize and move on.” I was pouting at him by the time he was done with his speech.

“Why are you frowning at me?” he laughed, pushing his hair off his forehead.

“Because now I feel stupid,” I grumbled, trying to keep from smiling.

“You are stupid,” he joked. I snickered and playfully pushed him on his shoulder. We both chuckled and shook our heads. We looked over at each other and he smiled at me. I couldn’t help but beam back at him, enjoying the way he made my stomach boil, the tendrils of steam that it created tickling my heart. He almost made me shy, the way he gazed at me like I was the most precious thing to have ever been present in his life. I had missed these giddy, intoxicating, invigorating, scintillating, sensational, take-my-breath-away feelings he gave me with just a look. I had missed them more than I could possibly say. Letting my smile slowly sink off my face, I sighed.

“Why did you kiss her?” I asked quietly, averting my gaze to the damp ground that was twenty or so feet below me. I heard Jacob swallow beside me, and start to play with his hands.

“I just…was frustrated. You were off doing things with Nate, and so I decided to go off and do things with someone else. Unfortunately, that someone else just happened to be Jennifer. I wanted to make you upset too. I wanted to make you feel just as shitty as I did.”

“But you didn’t even have any intention of telling me about what you did with her anyway. You were just going to lie to me about it—”

“It was a stupid, in the moment thing, okay?” he snapped, strong traces of venom in his voice. I recoiled a bit, surprised at his sudden angry change in tone. He sighed apologetically and pulled me into him. He wrapped his big, warm arms around me and I involuntarily laid my head on his chest, unable to help feeling a familiar sensation of warmth flood my body.

“I’m sorry,” he started, laying his cheek on my head. “I just kind of hate myself for what I did with her. It was stupid, and I had had a bit too much to drink that night.” I sat up again, and leaned my back against the trunk of the tree, one leg hanging off the branch.

“Well, there’s no real need to be,” I mumbled. “Because you were right back there. You owe me no commitment, nor I to you.” Jacob sighed and rolled his eyes. I frowned, silently taking note of his tensed muscles and clenched fists.

“What?” I demanded, crossing my arms.

“That’s a load of BS that I spewed to make myself feel better about being a jackass, and you’re doing the exact same thing right now,” he hissed. I cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Excuse me?”

“Let’s cut the crap, Calypso,” he muttered, turning his eyes on me, the ferocity of which nearly slammed me against the tree and made my heart rate spike.

“What crap are you referring to exactly, Jacob?” I asked, getting more and more upset.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He was speaking in his low, just-barely-contained voice that signified how pissed off he was. I sent him a very challenging look, daring him to say what I thought he was saying out loud.

And then—for the second time that night—the dumb jack ass took the dare.

“You’re seriously expecting me to believe that we’re just friends, Calypso? Really?” He was glaring at me so intensely that I thought the heat of his glare might light my soaking wet hair on fire. I opened my mouth to say something—anything. To tell him he was wrong, deluded, misled. To easily deny it the way I had for so long…but I couldn’t even lie to myself anymore. I stayed quiet, and waited for Jacob to annihilate the façade I had worked so hard to keep us—no, me—safe.

“Calypso, I’ve let you act like what we have is just friendship, and absolutely nothing else for a long time now, when you, I, and everyone else knows that’s a load of bull. It’s time to stop pretending.”

“What do you mean?” I wanted to ask him. I wasn’t ready to quit or to give up just yet. I needed just a little more time. I little more time to make believe that he didn’t drive me wild with feelings that were so complex and so fantastically magnificent that they didn’t even have names. But I didn’t have it. My heart was furiously drumming inside my throat, and my breathing was so shallow, I couldn’t even believe that it was sufficiently keeping me alive.
“I want you to admit to me and yourself right here and right now that you like me. A lot. And not just as a friend. As so, so much more.” I glared at him for a few moments, and he glared right back, just as determinedly.

“Why are you making me do this?” I had meant for the question to sound powerful and accusatory, but the lump in my throat effectively prevented that from happening.

“Because I deserve it, Calypso!” he shouted angrily, making my breath catch. I couldn’t tell whether he was more angry or hurt. “Because I’ve played along in your game, and let you control me. I’ve let you set the boundaries and I’ve let you set the limits that made you comfortable, but they’ve been in place for far too long for me to take it anymore. I’ve followed relentlessly, but now I’m tired of it.”

“Is that how you think this relationship works?” I whispered as I sat up, thoroughly offended by his accusation.

“That’s exactly how this relationship works,” he hissed, narrowing his eyes. “You tell yourself and the whole world that we have nothing special. That all we are is close friends, and I’ve humored you. But now, I’m putting my foot down. I’m tired of bullshitting and putting on an act. I hate pretending like I don’t sometimes just want to hold you and kiss you and the let the rest of the world disappear.”

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my thoughts. They were ricocheting all over the place, and beginning to give me a headache. I sighed and laid my head on my knee, trying to focus on breathing correctly.

“Calypso,” Jacob began again, his voice softening as he moved closer to me. I lifted my head up and moved back against the tree, trying to put as much distance between us as I could, which was only a few inches. They weren’t nearly enough to break the practically palpable tension in the air between us. “I need you to let me know that I’m not crazy,” he whispered in a strained voice. “I need you to tell me that you feel this too and that this—what we have—is something real.”

“Or else what, Jacob?” I whispered uncertainly, terrified of the answer.

“Or else…I can’t be around you anymore. I just…can’t do it.”

So there it was. In all its glory: the Ultimatum. I had to admit my feelings for him right then, or sacrifice his company, the only thing that seemed to keep me sane nowadays.

“So you’re telling me that if I don’t tell you that I like you as more than a friend, you just won’t hang around me anymore?” I snapped fiercely at him, masking my nervousness and vulnerability with anger.

“That’s exactly right, Calypso!” he shouted right back. “Because I will not put myself through this anymore. Through having these moments when I think that something is finally going to happen—that you’re finally going to relent and let yourself admit your true feelings for me, only to be greatly disappointed. And pretending like I don’t feel my heart fall to pieces whenever I see you interact with Nate. And like it doesn’t kill me to know that he gets to hold you and touch you and kiss you in ways that I can’t.

“It kills me to need you so much—to the point of pain—and never know if you even need me back.” I didn’t even know what to say after that. There was a battle of emotions ensuing in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t help but want to smile knowing how much he wanted me, almost as much as I seemed to want him. He wanted to touch me and hold me and kiss me in the ways that Nate did—in very intimate, very passionate ways—and I realized that I wanted him to do that too. But then, there was the raging, overwhelming guilt I felt. To know that I had hurt this boy who meant more to me than I even wanted to know or understand, simply because I was too much of a coward to tell him that I needed him too. That I wanted something more with him, because I felt something more for him than I had ever felt for anybody in my life.

I had known that this moment would come. I didn’t expect Jacob to put up with my shit forever. I hadn’t wanted him to either. In fact, I had been waiting for him to step up. To do what I knew I couldn’t: admit my feelings first. And he did. And now that it had happened, I was terrified. I didn’t know what to think or to say, because I was afraid that if I spoke, I would puke my heart out. I wasn’t ready yet. I needed to breathe; to think. I needed him to not need me to say this right now, because as long as he needed it, there was no way I could weasel out of it. I couldn’t let myself deny him something that he needed; not any more.

“You’re really going to make me say this right now, Jacob?” I whispered, my tone pleading. Jacob slid closer to me, putting his free hand on the other side of the trunk behind me. His proximity to me made my breathing become quick and unsteady, and the way his scent and his presence fogged and clouded my brain, I was unsure of how I was going to be able to even speak.

“Yes, Calypso. I’m going to make you say this out loud right now,” he whispered, his face a mere two inches from mine. Taking a deep breath, I decided to take the plunge, looking him right in his lovely brown eyes with every word I said.

“I like you, Jacob Black. I like you a lot. A whole lot. The way I feel about you is so astounding and so beautiful that I can’t even take it most of the time. And most of the time, I refuse to acknowledge because it overwhelms me. So, I pretend. I pretend that when you touch me, you don’t make my hairs stand on edge. I pretend that the feel of your name on my lips doesn’t feel like it’s absolutely destined to be there. I pretend that when people call me ‘Jacob’s Girl,’ it doesn’t keep me awake at night, and I don’t marvel at how perfect that sounds. I pretend that your laughter isn’t a symphony to me, and that I don’t think that the way you look when you sleep is the most beautiful thing in the world, and that kissing you wouldn’t make the universe as I know it crumble and that I wouldn’t relish in every earth-shattering moment of it.

“But above all, I pretend that what I feel for you is normal. Because it’s not, and it terrifies the hell out of me. I want you and need you in a way that’s bigger than us, and I can’t understand it, and I’m almost positive that I don’t want to. I’m too afraid to. I don’t want to mess everything up, because I need you, Jacob. I promise that I need you just as much as you need me.” Jacob reached up and gently wiped away my tears with the rough, calloused pad of his thumb. Jacob opened his mouth to speak, but I covered his lips with two of my fingers.

“Jacob, I like what we have,” I interrupted, my voice barely above a whisper as I moved my hand from his mouth to palm the side of his face. “And yes, I want more. But if it didn’t work out, then that would suck and…I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.” Jacob looked at me for a few more moments, his eyes searching mine. I didn’t know what he was looking for, and I didn’t care, because right then, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close so that our chests were touching. My brain got fuzzy, and all I wanted to do in that moment was kiss the living hell out of him.

“Why are you so afraid of taking that next step?” Jacob asked me softly, pushing my limp, wet hair away from my face.

“It’s not just you,” I sighed, pulling away from him and sitting up straight on the branch again. “I don’t like to take any next steps with anyone when it requires trust. I learned at a very young age that you can’t trust anyone but yourself, and so I disciplined myself to keep my distance from everybody. I even learned how to isolate myself from my family. I can’t risk having my heart broken ever again.” Jacob just stared at me for a moment, his brow furrowed.

“What happened to you?”

“It’s a long story,” I warned, unsure if he wanted to delve that far into the inner workings of my fucked up mind, or if I even wanted to. Jacob re-positioned himself on the tree so that his body was just grazing mine, sending a wave of goosebumps to cascade over my skin.

“I’m not going anywhere.” And for the first time in a long time, I knew that someone was telling me the truth.

To be continued…