I Won't Say I'm in Love

“What day did you say you guys were getting back again?” Nate asked me from my bed. I sighed agitatedly as I pulled a few sweatpants from my drawer, quickly stuffing them into the almost full duffel bag on my floor.

“Thursday, Nate,” I told him for what seemed to be the twelfth time. He had been following me around the house all morning, interrogating me about the trip, much to Jacob’s amusement.

“Well, is there anyway you can shorten it?” I paused in my kneeling position by my duffel bag, my hands on my thighs as I ground my teeth and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath, trying not to strangle the boy that I had come to care so much for.

“Why would we shorten it, Nate?” I asked him as calmly as possible, staring at the mass of unfolded clothes in my bag. “It’s Winter Break. We have almost a week until school starts.”

Nate squirmed uncomfortably on the bed, like a kid getting caught stealing from the cookie jar. “Well, I mean...that’s an awful long time to be away with someone who isn’t your boyfriend...”

“Nate, what are you trying to say?” I asked him sharply, finally snapping at his insistent pestering.

“I’m trying to say that I’m nervous,” he said softly, his eyes conveying just how worried he was. My anger was immediately dulled, replaced by guilt and concern. I sighed as Nate kneeled beside me at the duffel bag, taking my hands in his.

“You know I’m not usually like this,” he began. “But I think we have something really good going, and it's only getting better. I just don’t want it to be compromised by this trip.” Placing his hand on the side of my face, he brought his forehead to mine and said, “Now I need you to look me in the eye and promise me something.”

I nodded. “Anything, Nate.” He was silent as he stared at me for a moment, wondering whether or not he should continue.

“Do you think this trip has the possibility of compromising our relationship?”

I was unable to keep a steady face, my eyes widening momentarily before I realized that such an action would be a sure tell as to my true feelings. Nate had never asked me a question about my relationship with Jacob this directly before, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Telling him the truth would only make him worry the whole time, and I definitely wanted to avoid that. Partially for my sake, and partially for his. But he had specifically asked that I tell him the truth, and it would be even worse for me to ignore such a request.

“Yes. I do think that it has the possibility of compromising our relationship,” I said, looking him right in the eye. His face fell and he opened his mouth to begin to speak, but I cut him off before he could say anything.

“But I promise you that I will try my damndest to be sure that nothing happens between Jacob and me. You have my word. And that’s all I can give you.” Nate seemed to understand, and reluctantly accepted my promise with a simple nod of the head.

“I swear, Calypso, if anything happens on this trip—”

“Then what, Nate?” He and I pulled apart and looked toward the door. Tina was leaning against the doorway with her arms and ankles crossed, glaring at Nate. “Are you gonna cheat on her?” My eyebrows knit together, confused as to when this sudden animosity had sprung up between the siblings. They scowled at each other for a moment before Nate turned his attention back to me.

“I’ll see you downstairs,” he muttered before getting up and walking to the door. He avoided Konstantina’s gaze as he passed by her, but she didn’t stop staring after him until he disappeared down the stairs.

“What was that about?” I asked timidly, getting up to go to my dresser. Tina sighed and shook her head as she stepped into my room, sitting down in the chair at my desk.

“Nothing. I don’t feel like talking about it,” she said. I nodded and opened my underwear drawer. After I had grabbed a few pairs, I turned back around, but before I could make it to my suitcase, Tina interrupted me.

“I’m sorry, is that the underwear you’re bringing?” she asked, a thick tone of disgust in her voice. I looked at her a bit confused.

“Um, yes?” Tina raised a skeptical eyebrow at me. I did the same. “Is that a problem?”

“Why, indeed, it is,” she responded. She hopped up from her chair and walked back to my dresser, taking the pairs of underwear I had out of my hands. I followed her, and watched as she threw them back in the drawer. Instead she selected two different pairs of underwear, along with bras. She pulled out a white bra with a sheer, purple lace cover, and paired it with a pair of white panties with a tiny purple bow at the top. The next set she pulled out was a matching blue and grey set. The bra was a cerulean blue push-up with light grey trim. The panties were brazilian cut, the same shade of blue with grey lace along the bottom.

“And why do I need sexy underwear for a friendly overnight trip again?” I asked, unable to keep the laughter out of my voice.

“Because hopefully, this trip becomes more than friendly,” Tina admitted. Now I was truly confused.

“Why do you hope this trip becomes more than friendly?” I asked her, curious as to what her ulterior motive was exactly.

“Because you owe it to Jacob to make it more than friendly,” she stated plainly, as if I was stupid for missing such an obvious thing. My jaw dropped.

“Excuse me? Don’t you think I owe it to your brother to—oh, I don’t know—not cheat?”

“No, I actually don’t,” Tina said from beside my suitcase. She was sitting next to it, folding everything up, and replacing items of clothing that she didn’t approve of with other ones.

“Please explain,” I asked her, now a bit frustrated as I sat down on my bed.

“Calypso, you lead Jacob on all the time with whether or not your relationship will go anywhere.” I scoffed, thoroughly offended by her comment.

“I do not! When have I ever done that?” Tina’s response could only be described as a bark of laughter as she looked at me.

“Are you serious? There are so many occasions!”

“Name three.”

“Easy. Last night, when you fell asleep in his lap in your new truck; when you all but professed your love for him in the tree a few weeks ago; when you sleep over at his house every other night—”

“Alright, alright, I get it—”

“When you let him sleep in your bed when he sneaks over—”

“Okay, I said—!”

“When you let him watch you change instead of kicking him out—”

“For fuck’s sake, Tina, I get it!” She laughed at me, though I didn’t find this situation amusing at all.

“You do stuff like this all the time, Calypso. It’s kind of bitchy, actually.”

“How is that bitchy?”

“You manipulate the poor boy!” I crossed my arms and glared at the wall above her head, trying to calm down. I couldn’t help but feel as if I was being attacked, even if all of what she was saying was true. I heard Tina sigh, and her voice softened when she continued next.

“You know how he feels about you, and yet you flirt with him as if it means nothing. You have to know that every time you touch him or smile at him, you can practically see his whole world light up. Flirting with him isn’t the same as when you flirt with the others. It actually means something to him. It means something to you too.” Tina got up and sat down beside me on the bed.

“So when you freak out whenever he asks if your relationship is going anywhere, you have to understand why most of us find it just a bit ridiculous. You lead him on and allow him to expect all these things when you know that you’re not ready to act on any of it yet.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Not be friends with him?” I asked, playing with the ends of my hair.

“No! Never that. I know how much he means to you, and you to him. But you can’t interact with him the way you do, and then deny him any follow through. If you can’t make good on any of your implied promises, then you need to stop making such promising implications.” With a sigh, I put my head on her shoulder, and she wrapped her arms around me. She held me silently for a moment, letting me think about her words for a few minutes before speaking again.

“I only say this with all the love in the world,” she said. I could hear the smile in her voice. I couldn’t keep the tiny grin off my face either.

“Whatever. I hate you,” I teased, playfully pushing her off of me. She laughed as I finished up the packing and closed up my suitcase. She helped me carry it downstairs, both of us speculating about what Irish people thought about the fact that Lucky Charms’ mascot was a leprechaun. Jacob, Jared, Emily and Sam were sitting at the table downstairs. Jacob smiled up at me, and I both hated and loved the way my stomach felt like taffy being pulled whenever he did that.

“You ready to go?” Jacob was obviously very excited about this trip, and his happy mood was infectious. I felt my own smile stretching across my face as I nodded. “Good,” he said, taking my duffel bag from me. I said goodbye to everyone, and Tina walked us out to the car. The day was gray and overcast, and it was sure to rain very soon. Jacob walked over to his truck and I walked with Tina to Nate’s car.

I was only going over to say bye, but before I could say anything, Nate had jumped out of the car, grabbed me by my hips and pulled me into him, kissing me eagerly. I gasped and was immediately swept up in the all-consuming passion of it, throwing my arms around his neck and pressing my body as close to his as I possibly could. All thought was pushed from my mind as Nate’s searching tongue ravished my mouth, claiming it as his own. I felt my knees collapse under me as I whimpered, but I didn’t fall because Nate was holding me so tightly.

The stop was just as sudden as the start, and I was left dazed when Nate pulled away from me, the world seeming to spin around me. I barely registered him saying goodbye, and could only nod as I walked away, still a bit dizzy from the encounter. I fumbled with the handle of the passenger seat door of Jacob’s truck before he finally just leaned over and opened it. I scrambled in, shutting the door behind me and not even bothering to buckle my seatbelt as I stared at Nate through the windshield. He winked at me before peeling away, the sound of his engine slowly fading as he and Konstantina zoomed down the street.

Jacob pulled out soon afterwards, taking a left and driving down the practically empty road toward US-101 and Seattle.

It wasn’t until a bit after we had started driving and my mind began to clear that I realized just why Nate had kissed me the way he had. It was to remind Jacob of who I was really with, and just who I was coming back to. It seemed to work, because although he tried not to look it, Jacob seemed a bit peeved about Nate’s little power play.

“Do you know where you’re going?” I asked in a taunting manner, trying to lighten the mood. A small smile tugged at the corner of Jacob’s lips as he reached for the Google Maps papers on the dashboard. He glanced over at me and waved them in my face as if to say, “Happy?” I smiled at him and he shook his head and chuckled as he handed them to me.

“What next, O, Captain, my Captain?” he asked sarcastically.

“Take a right, asshole,” I said through my laughter. I looked over at Jacob, who was smiling, his mood lightening a bit. I was glad. Although I was nervous about this trip, and probably would be for the duration of it, I wanted Jacob to have a good time.

“How long is this trip anyway?” I asked, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

“About three hours. Not terrible.”

“Oh, brother! Three hours with you? What could be worse?” I asked jokingly, smacking my forehead and rolling my eyes like I belonged in a tacky fifties sitcom.

“Ditto,” Jacob said, unable to keep a straight face.

“Shut up!” I laughed, playfully punching him in the arm.

“Oh no! You’re gonna make me crash!” he shouted, swerving the car back and forth on the empty road.

“Stop it! You’re gonna get us killed!” I screeched, still giggling as I gripped my door and the side of my seat.

“I promise you, that as long as you’re with me, you’re never in harms' way,” Jacob said. I bit my bottom lip, unsure how to respond. Although he may have meant it in no more than a casual way, he wasn’t kidding when he said that my safety was never in question as long as I was with him.

He seemed to sense my lack of certainty in how to respond, and instead, just held out his hand for me to hold, palm up. I looked at it skeptically for a moment, sure that I shouldn’t, but something inside me seemed to compel me to place my hand in his. It was warm and rough, and when it closed around mine, I felt just about ready to make him pull over and hold me. I looked up at Jacob’s profile, always surprised by his striking beauty. He had forgotten to shave this morning, and already, stubble was lining his strong jawline and surrounding his gorgeous mouth.

I almost jumped when he suddenly turned his gaze on me, his lovely brown eyes fixing themselves on mine. I felt my heart stop for a moment before quickening its pace to make up for the skipped beat.
This was gonna be one long trip.

Jacob’s Point of View
“A dream is a wish your heart makes...”

Calypso was now on her third run of the Disney song, her voice traveling around the street, and soon getting lost in all the city noise.

The day in Seattle was fairly nice, reaching a high of 62 with a clear sky, even in November. She and I wandered Pike Place Market and discovered a cheese shop called Beecher’s, where they sold the most delicious Mac and Cheese. We strolled around downtown and went window shopping at Westlake Mall. Afterward, we stopped by a bar called the Alibi Room near the market, which we were able to access thanks to our spectacular fake I.D’s. Though I hated to, I had to thank the Cullens for their impeccable talent in obtaining fake identification.

Calypso started out fine, but she got really drunk really fast. It wasn’t that she couldn’t hold her liquor, but rather that she was getting a lot more drinks than I had realized. Plenty of guys were sending drinks over, and although it irked me, it prevented me from having my wallet completely cleaned out on the first night, so I permitted it. However, after she started losing it over how funny the word “peanut” was, I decided it was time to get her back to the hotel.

She was walking okay I guess, but I was afraid to let go of her for fear she would wander off if I looked away for even a moment. “Let’s go look at the water!” she said suddenly, dragging me over to look at the pier. We were near a Red Robin’s and an arcade, the lights of which illuminated the wooden dock. To our right was the aquarium, which was closed down for the day, but I hoped to maybe stop by tomorrow. Seattle was filled with plenty of tourist-y things to do, and we were going to have a very full, very expensive day tomorrow, I was sure.

“Ewwww, do you see all the dead jellyfish floating down there?” she asked with a giggle, pointing at one of the luminescent organisms bumping against the dock far below as the waves crashed over them. “Jake, why do they call them jellyfish?” she asked, turning to look at me, her eyes wide with curiosity.

“Do you watch Spongebob? Because they produce jelly. Duh.” She fell out laughing, stomping her foot against the pier and doubling over with the force of it. I just smiled down at her and shook my head, laughing at her amusement. I was totally taking advantage of her drunken state, and saying things that I knew would make her lose it, but watching her in a state of pure happiness, even if it was inspired by alcohol, was making me just as happy.

“Do you remember the uh...the—the episode where Sponge—where Spongebob teaches Squidward how to blow bubbles?” I nodded, trying to keep from laughing at her. She took a few steps away from the dock railing so that she could show me whatever she was trying to show me.

She spread her legs shoulder width apart, put her hands on her hips and swung her hips around in big, slow circles. “Bring it aroooooound town...bring it AROOOOOUND town!” she said as she kept moving, trying not to laugh. I, however, thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen, and let out a huge laugh, my shoulders shaking with the force of it. Calypso was inspired by it and began cracking up as well, but tried to keep performing the dance while doing so. She eventually lost her balance and stumbled.

Before she could fall, I caught her around the waist and pulled her up, still laughing. She barely seemed to notice, and was still giggling as she wrapped her arms around my neck. She turned her face up to mine, and even though she was inebriated, the clarity with which she was looking at me almost made me lose my own balance. Her hair was gently tousled around her face, and her full lips were slightly parted in the sexiest way. I brushed a piece of hair out of her eyes, and took a sharp intake of breath when she took my hand and held it to her face.

“I love you,” she said plainly, a tiny grin decorating her features and making my heart pulse achingly in my chest. “I love you so much, Jacob.”

I wanted nothing more than to kiss her right on the pier and make her repeat how much she loved me over and over again. I wanted to sweep her up and take her back to our hotel room and run my lips over every inch of her skin. I wanted to devour her until she was sober, and then kiss her until I was drunk from it.

But it was right then when she tilted her head up to look at the night sky. “Where did all the stars go? Why aren’t they here? Jacob, why are there no stars in Seattle?” she asked me.

“Because there’s only room for one, and that’s you,” I said, returning to my cheery tone as I tugged her along. Our hotel room was about a mile away, and we had to walk our way there.

“Damn straight!” she said as we continued. “I’m a huge star! I’m like the fucking sun!” She continued on this topic until she was distracted by a fire hydrant a few blocks later.

When we finally got to our room at the Westin, Calypso was a mess. She started jumping on the bed, but before I had to get her down, the jerky movements made her sick. “Jacob, I don’t feel so good...” she muttered as her bounces slowed. With a sigh, I scooped her off the bed and carried her to the bathroom. She kneeled on the tile floor by the toilet and started retching almost immediately after her head made it over the bowl. I rubbed her back and held her hair for her as she puked, her whole body heaving with the force of it.

Sam called just as she was stopping, and I got up to answer the call. As he talked, I was running around the room, finding Calypso a towel, selecting pajamas for her, and getting her toothbrush, toothpaste, her travel sized Listerine, and a glass of water. I was finally able to get him off the phone and start the shower for Calypso. “Sweetie, I want you to hop in the shower after you finish two glasses of water, okay?” I told her as I flung the towel over the shower rod. She nodded and got up to start taking her clothes off. “Woah, woah, woah!” I shouted, dashing out of the room before I could see anything she didn’t want me to see, and shutting the door behind me.

I laid myself out on the king sized bed, clicking on the television. Funny enough, Spongebob was on. I grinned as I settled in to watch it, Calypso’s loud rendition of “Call Me Maybe” leaking into the room. She was in the shower for about an hour, finally stepping out around midnight. It was another half hour before she finally emerged in a white t-shirt and...

No pants.

Just pink cotton boyshorts.

“Wait, where—ah, wha—” I had to clear my throat and shake my head. “Where—where are your pants? That I gave you? To wear?” I asked. I stared at her perfectly rounded backside as she made her way across the room, getting herself another glass of water. The way her hips swung forced me to take a deep breath so as not to fly across the room and attack her.

“It’s too hot, Jacob. I don’t wanna wear sweats. I can’t sleep in them,” she whined, lying beside me on the bed to watch Nick @ Nite’s Fresh Prince marathon.

“Well, are there any other pajama options you can wear?” I asked, forcing myself not to reach over and run my hand up and down the length of her smooth leg.

“Not ones that’ll do you much good. Tina just packed me lingerie.” I silently cursed that Greek little vixen in my head, wanting to strangle her for putting in me in such a predicament. I would have given her a pair of my own boxers, but that would probably have been worse in my case.

“Well...okay,” was all I could think to say. We watched the show together, Calypso laughing a bit too loudly at every funny thing, while I focused all my attention on the mantra, “Don’t touch her. Don’t touch her. Don’t touch her. Don’t touch her.”

When a commercial came on with the song “My Favorite Things” Calypso screamed and jumped off the bed, pulling me with her. “Jacob, we have to dance!” she giggled, pulling my body close to hers and standing on my feet. She held my right hand in her left, put my left hand on her waist, and placed her right hand on my shoulder. She beamed up at me and my stomach twisted almost painfully in my gut. I couldn’t help but smile back as I began to waltz around the room with her, her laughter filling the room and making it warmer.

The commercial ended soon after it began, but Calypso kept singing, and I kept dancing. I watched the world fall away at the edges of my vision as her smile lit up our own little world. She eventually forgot the words on the second verse and I stopped dancing, but we didn’t part. She looked up at me again, her eyes burning into mine the way they did on the pier just a few hours ago, but they seemed to have a different intent behind them now.

Without a word, she put both hands on either side of my face and began slowly pulling me down toward her. Her eyes eventually drifted toward my lips, and her breathing quickened, matching the pace of my pounding heart. My hands found her hips and I slowly pulled her toward me as well, my brain already going fuzzy at the feel of her soft skin beneath my hands.

Before I knew why, I was pulling away from her just as her lips were about to make contact with mine.

“Come back,” she whispered in a soft, pleading tone, and I almost caved, wanting to hear her moans as my lips crashed against hers. But I didn’t.

“Calypso, I can’t kiss you,” I breathed, already kicking myself for saying so. She was persistent, however, and her searching fingers tangled themselves in my hair as she pressed her body closer to mine.

“Why not?” I closed my eyes, hoping that maybe cutting off my view of her would allow me to think more clearly.

“Because you just got done puking,” was my bullshit answer. This seemed to catch Calypso’s attention, and her hands slid down to my chest as she pulled away from me.

“Seriously?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. I shrugged.

“Yeah. You were puking less than an hour ago. No offense, but I can’t kiss you.” That was a pretty solid excuse I thought.

“Jacob, I brushed my teeth eight times, rinsed four times, and drank four glasses of water. I think I’m good,” she said, slightly irritated by my answer.

“It’s the principle of the thing.” Her eyebrows shot up.

“The principle—?”

“You threw up less than an hour ago. If it had been any longer, I might be able to look past it. But 59 minutes?” I shook my head. “No way, José.” I was trying to bring some humor into the situation, and it seemed to be working when I saw the edge of Calypso’s mouth quirk.

“So you’re saying that if I threw up at least an hour ago, you would be able to kiss me?” I frowned, slightly unsure of how to answer that. It seemed like a trap. “Because if not, then that would mean there’s some other reason that you’re not telling me.”

“No, it's just this one.”

“Just this one?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Hm...” she murmured as she tapped her finger against her lips in thought. Before I knew what was happening, Calypso had her hand digging in my pocket, making me gasp at the sudden action and involuntarily jerk my hips before successfully extracting my phone. She checked my call records and smirked.

Uh-oh.

“Sam called right when I finished up. It is now 12:58 AM,” she stated. “Sam called...” She turned the phone around so I could see it. “At 11:56 PM.” Shit, I cursed inwardly as she threw the phone onto the bed. “So,” she purred, letting her fingers lazily drag down my chest to the waistband of my jeans. “If you weren’t lying,” she drawled as she hooked her fingers around my belt loops and pulled me close. “Then you would be able to kiss me right now...” Her scent was intoxicating as one of her hands wandered up to my neck to pull me in again. We were like magnets, and no matter how hard I tried to pull away, our lips only got closer to each other.

“You have a boyfriend,” I breathed, pulling back and walking away from her to sit on the edge of the bed.

“That’s never stopped you before,” she so helpfully pointed out as she slowly glided her way over to me, her delectable hips tantalizingly swishing back and forth as she made her way over to me. She climbed onto the bed and knelt behind me, pressing her body flush against mine. I could feel her bare thighs against my back, and the way she was wiggling her body was slowly eating away at my resolve. My animal instincts were starting to kick in, and I wanted to turn around, throw her on the bed, and give her just what she was asking for.

When I felt her hands slowly run down my chest, I nearly lost it. My hands gripped the covers and my toes curled in my shoes as I envisioned throwing her against a wall and taking her right then. Fuck...

“Please, Jacob,” she begged, placing her lips on my neck. I couldn’t restrain the growl that escaped me, having to bite my lip when she placed a gentle kiss on my shoulder. She moved so that she was standing in front of me, and bent over so that she could put her hands on my thighs. This girl certainly knew what she was doing.

“Just one kiss,” she breathed, placing her forehead against mine. Just one kiss couldn’t do that much harm, I tried to reason with myself. I’d definitely be able to stop myself after just one. I knew that was a lie. In fact, I was sure that we would go much farther than only kissing if I surrendered.

“Calypso, I can’t,” I said through gritted teeth. Her face fell.

“Why not?” she whined, brushing back a lock of her hair.

“Because you won’t remember it!” I admitted, snapping at her for a moment before sighing.

“What do you mean?” she asked timidly.

“I mean...we’ll kiss. And it will be wonderful. And magnificent. And glorious. And then you’ll go to sleep. And you’ll wake up. And you won’t remember it. You won’t remember how my lips tasted, or the way my hands felt on your skin, or how marvelous it was to finally kiss me. But I will. And I’ll have to go on, pretending like it didn’t happen, like that moment never took place when, in fact, it will be the only thing I think about.

“And the worst part will be, when we finally get home, I’ll have to watch you kiss Nate, knowing what I’m missing. I’ll be damned with knowing what it feels like to kiss you, to have you surrender yourself to me wholly and utterly, and I’ll have to watch you do it with someone else. That would kill me, Calypso.”

Calypso’s big brown eyes were glistening and she quickly wiped away a tear that spilled over the brim, biting her bottom lip.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, letting my head fall forward so that my forehead was touching her own. Taking my chin in her hand, she turned my face up toward hers. She wasn’t able to say anything, but she offered me a small, understanding smile and a sympathetic shake of the head. She crawled past me to lie on the bed, burrowing under the covers and patted the space next to her. I smiled at her, having to swallow against the lump in my own throat as I lay down beside her beneath the blankets. She snuggled against my side as I wrapped my arms around her.

We fell asleep dreaming of each other.