I Won't Say I'm in Love

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was nearly blinded by the light flooding in through the window. Jacob and I had left the curtains open last night...

Last night.

I groaned as I rubbed my eyes and stretched. When I fully opened my eyes, I was looking up at Jacob who was gazing down at me as well. I looked down and realized that I had curled into him while I was sleeping, and one of my legs was draped over his own.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, quickly rolling away from him to the other side of the bed. I sat with my feet hanging off the edge, my elbows on my knees.

“It’s okay,” Jacob said timidly. I bit my lip, not sure what to do next. Jacob obviously didn’t know what to say either, and both of us were silent for a moment.

“Calypso—” he started to say.

“Let’s start getting ready to go,” I said, cutting him off. I got up and headed to the shower without another word.

The morning was one long string of awkward moments that went by in a blur. I only addressed Jacob when I needed to, and steered clear of all eye contact with him. I went out of my way to avoid touching him, and generally tried to stay out of his way as much as possible. Though Jacob didn’t seem to be as actively avoiding me, he was good about not trying to force any unwanted interactions with me.

Whenever I did touch him though, a shockwave of warmth rolled through me and visions of last night’s encounter replayed themselves in my mind, forcing me to shake my head and dismiss the swoopy feeling that arose in my belly and made me dizzy.

We checked out of the hotel, and the valet drove Jacob’s truck around. I had to keep from laughing; the image of Jacob’s battered Ford being driven through all the other fancy cars with their fancy people was quite amusing. The noise it made scared a lot of the hotel’s guests, and while the valet tried his best to look gracious, I wouldn’t have been too surprised if pulled out a lemon scented moist towelette from his handy dandy vest pocket and gently dabbed his palms clean.

Still, we thanked him, and threw our things in the bed. Jacob reached out a hand to open my door for me as usual, but I quickly grabbed the handle and opened it myself.

“I got it,” I muttered shyly under my breath as I climbed in. He tried to hide it, but I saw Jake roll his eyes and sigh before going to the other side of the truck. He got in and we pulled out of the circular driveway, to the relief of all its occupants.
Almost immediately, I turned on the radio, and Jacob and I drove without a word for the next hour or so, and proceeded to remain quiet on the ferry ride home. The silence remained unbroken for the next couple of hours from the ferry terminal back to Forks.

“Are we just not gonna talk about this then?” Jacob said, seemingly out of nowhere. The question was rather sudden, and almost made me jump. I kept staring out the window, refusing to display any emotion, though my inside were boiling and threatening to spill over any moment now.

“Jacob, we’re like, five minutes from the house. Can we please just...not?”

“No. We have to. Because if we don’t talk about it now, then we never will and it’ll just be like it never happened.” I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even look at him. Jacob waited calmly for a few moments before exploding again.

“Calypso!” This time I did jump. I turned in my seat and glared at him.

“What!” I yelled back, irritated that he seemed so bent on disrupting the “peace.” Jacob’s lips were pressed together in a firm line as he breathed through his nose, looking back and forth between me and the road.

“So are you not going to say anything then?” His tone was one that was pretending to be calm, but that was obviously not the case.

“No.” There was a sharp intake of breath from Jacob and I watched his forearms clench and unclench.

“So it just never happened?”

“Nope,” I said popping the ‘p’ and sitting back in my chair with crossed arms, looking out the windshield.

“And it will never be discussed?”

“Never ever.”

“And you and I are just going to pretend that we didn’t share the most magnificent, most exquisite, mind blowing kiss of our lives?” I looked over at Jacob, all pretense gone from me. I could see the hurt in his eyes as he chewed on his bottom lip.

I felt terrible.

Here was this boy who had been so determinedly trying to win me over since the moment I arrived here, and I had given him nothing but grief about it. He kept trying no matter how many times I warned him away, or told him that it couldn’t happen. He was determined to love me, and immediately after the one time that I had shown him any concrete evidence that I reciprocated his feelings, I turned around and told him to forget about it.

I am a terrible person, was all I could think.

“Jacob...” I didn’t know what to say, but at least it was a start.

“Calypso, I meant what I said last night. I love you.” I had to bite down hard on my lip to keep from smiling.

“I know you do.”

“And...and I heard you say it...back.” I looked up at him, my mouth open and ready to protest, but no words came out. The lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything.

“Jacob, I was tipsy, and tired a-and I had just gotten swept up in it all—” My words lacked conviction, and Jake heard it and pounced.

“No, Calypso, I know you. And after a moment like that, your mind had to have been racing trying to figure out your next move, how to stay level-headed and do the things that were most rational. And the most rational thing to say was that you loved me. And I knew you weren’t saying it to pity me, which is a lot more than I can say for most of our other encounters. If anything, you meant it more at that moment than ever before.”

“How would me saying that I love you be rational—?”

“Because we’re meant to be together, Calypso!” Jacob roared. I flinched and he sighed, calming down again. “We...just are. We’re perfect for each other.” I sighed, and Jacob must have taken it as a sign that I was about to argue again.

“Calypso, you said it! And that’s that, and there’s just nothing to argue.”

“But, Jacob—!”

“NO BUTS, CALYPSO! THAT’S IT! IT HAPPENED, AND NOW WE DEAL WITH IT!”

“FINE! I LOVE YOU!” My voice cracked on the last word and I felt my body give up the fight as I let myself succumb to my emotions. Even Jacob was surprised; he obviously hadn’t expected me to give in, and he definitely hadn’t expected me to say what I just did. I certainly hadn’t.

“I love you,” I whispered, my eyes quickly welling up. I angrily wiped away a tear that fell down, quickly swiping away the others that followed.

“So now what?” I asked, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. “What happens now?”

“I don’t know,” Jacob admitted with a sigh as he ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair.

“It’s not like we can act on it. I have a boyfriend.”

“Whom you don’t love.”

“You can’t say that about us.”

“Well, you can’t say you do, so where does that leave us?” I didn’t know how to respond to that, considering that he was right. I ground my teeth as I willed myself not to start crying again. I could feel Jacob’s sympathetic gaze as I stared out the window. “Are you going to tell him?” he asked quietly. I sighed and looked over at him.

“I mean, I have to, don’t I?” Jacob frowned and shook his head.

“No. Why should you?” I straightened myself out again, sitting up.

“Because it was wrong. And I promised him that I wouldn’t do anything with you this weekend. I broke my promise and...and—”

“And what, Calypso?” Jake challenged. The patronizing tone in his voice frustrated me and I let out a huff before continuing.

“And that’s not okay!” Jacob scoffed and rolled his eyes. Very few times had I wanted to punch him in his smug know-it-all grin more than I did right then. “Look, if the roles had been reversed, and he had done something like this, I’d want to know.” Jacob became very stiff, and his face became somber almost immediately.

“You would?” he asked as we pulled into the driveway.

“Yes. It’s not fair for me to deny him the chance to decide whether or not he wants to say with me after...” I glanced over at Jacob who was staring at me with wide eyes. “Yeah,” was how I decided to finish.

“I guess I understand that,” he muttered quietly, bringing the car to a stop.

“Yeah, well, you don’t have to understand it; it’s none of your concern. It’s happening and thats it. So thanks for your permission or whatever, but—”

“Woah, woah, Calypso, calm down,” Jacob said, frowning at me. I took a deep breath and bit my lip. For some reason, his previous comment had made me angry, but then again, everything he did was making me want to pick a fight with him.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized tersely. “But you have to understand that it’s kind of hard for me to be around you right now.” Jacob chuckled, running a hand through his shaggy mop of hair that desperately needed to be trimmed and made my stomach flip like a show dog.

“Yeah,” he laughed, shyly looking up at me from under his eyelashes. The grin that happened next had appeared on my face without me even noticing it approached. It sneaked up and yanked at the corner of my mouth and then I was smiling at him and he was smiling at me and I was reminded of how happy Jacob made me. My life was a contented stroll, everybody in my current life pleasing me and making me comfortable. But Jacob made me happy. The kind of happy where you’re aware of the joy that inexplicably radiates inside of you even while doing the simplest things.

I felt the urge to kiss him again and it made my tummy wriggle and my legs tingle and reminded me of what I had already done with him, which made that happy feeling that resonated somewhere in my ribs between my heart and my lungs dissipate. So, without a word, my smile gone, I stumbled out of the car and into the house. I could feel Jacob watching me from the windshield, and I swore I could hear his heart break. The sound had become all too familiar.

I stepped out of my room, the scent of recently sprayed Chanel No.5 leaking into the hallway as I re-pinned my hair. I had just finished getting ready for my date with Nate that night. He was keeping it a surprise, but told me to dress “summery”. I had never dressed “summery” in the entirety of my natural life because when most people think “summery,” they think of a sweet, ladylike girl. In New York, I very rarely resembled a lady, and I had yet to encounter true “summery” weather there in Forks, so, that left me with no “summery” experience.

Fortunately, Tina had memorized the contents of my overstuffed closet from the multitude of times she had raided it, and walked me through what to wear on Skype. I had to admit, her handiwork was nice, and I didn’t mind the change of style. I was dressed in a bright pink dress with an A-line neck and and a skirt that bloomed out a bit. I tossed on a white lace cardigan that stopped at my ribs. I paired the entire ensemble with white heels that had a quirky bubblegum pink accent that encircled the rim and dripped down the shoe, and a dainty “pearl” necklace. My makeup was light, and consisted of discrete eyeliner, and a light pink lipstick that complimented my face much nicer than expected. My hair was tied in an elegant bun at the back of my head, and Tina applauded me when I proactively added a white flower clip by my right ear (Calypso’s Look).

A mocking chorus of “OOOOOOH!” greeted me as I came down the stairs to the kitchen. I looked up from my shoes and couldn’t help but smile as the usual gang of boys crowded the kitchen.

“Baby, you look so pretty!” Emily squealed, jumping up in her chair and clapping her hands. I smiled and rolled my eyes.

“Such class,” Paul said, deepening his voice and wriggling his eyebrows at me.

“Whatever,” I giggled, but I was actually fairly pleased at the response I was getting.

“Yeah! Since when are you a lady?” Jared asked. I scowled and punched him in the arm. He feigned hurt.

“Since shut up!” I whined unattractively.

“Does the lady need a seat?” Embry said in a strangely accented voice, standing up and pulling out his chair. I “humph”ed to myself as I plopped down.

“Does the lady need a jacket is the real question,” Quil added.

I shrugged.

“Well whaddya mean—?” He finished his sentence with a shrug that imitated the one I did.

I shrugged again. Quil glared at me, and so I laughed and gave him a real answer. “It’s apparently a surprise. Nate said to dress summery, and Tina said I didn’t need a jacket, so...” My sentence trailed off there, and I swear, all the boys had telepathically decided that now was the time to stare at me creepily. Not wanting to give in to their taunting, I went to tuck back the tendril that had developed the annoying habit of falling out of my bun.

“Let me get that for the lady,” I heard an eerily soft voice mutter as Seth tucked the piece behind my ear for me.

“OH MY GOD!” I exploded, trying to yell through my laughter. “If one more person makes a mocking lady joke, I swear I will only ever leave the house in a bikini and stripper heels and get a tramp stamp that says ‘Open for Business’!” It was then that a multitude of comments bombarded me, all including the word “lady.”

I heard Jared comment beside me, “I just want the tattoo because the tattoo would be fucking hilarious.”

It was Jacob who was able to catch my eye from across the table. Leaning his chin on his fist and donning his most debonair look, he contributed to the chaos with, “You are the ladiest lady I have ever laid eyes on.” I laughed so hard, I was sincerely afraid that I would pee myself. It had happened once before with Tina, but at least I had been wearing sweats then.

“Shut up!” I wheezed at him through my guffaws. I was laughing so hard that it was visually displeasing, and I was having so much fun I just didn’t care.

“She’s a lady!” Sam began to sing over everyone, his booming voice filling the tiny kitchen’s corners and surrounding us. Instantaneously, everyone joined in, including Emily. “Woah, woah, woah, she’s a lady!” At this point, the boys had taken me out of my chair and were dancing me around the floor. “Talkin’ about that little lady!” Jared spun me out of his arms and I was headed toward Embry’s open ones, but someone caught me mid-transfer.

“And the lady is mine,” Nate sang along with the group as he pressed his forehead to mine, his unexpected smile catching me off guard.

“Hi!” I chirped, more thrilled to see him than I’d thought I’d be. He laughed that laugh of his that made me bite my lip as he kissed me on the forehead.

“You look amazing,” he breathed, rocking me slowly back and forth in his arms, still dancing with me long after the music had ended and the song had devolved into loud, but idle chatter. Parting from me for a moment, Nate went and greeted the guys. During my birthday, he made really good friends with Embry, Quil and Paul. It was almost stupid how happy it made me that the four had become friends, but it meant that at least some of my family did more than just tolerate him.

“Hey, Em, could you help me with this hair thing? It keeps coming loose,” I said, tugging at the short but bothersome strand. She stood and reached to fix it, but then something in her eyes changed. Instead, she just stroked it a couple of times, gently caressing my face in the process.

“Leave it,” she said, a tiny smile decorating her beautifully scarred features. My heart turned as I realized that she was looking at me with that proud, slightly misty look that parents get when they realize their babies are all grown up. And I was her baby. I had wanted to be someone’s baby for a long time.

“Okay,” I said, speaking around the tightness that formed in my throat, smiling back at her. She nodded, her eyes wetter than usual before she pulled me in for a hug. She held on tight and I had to keep from laughing at her sudden bout of affection. Sam shot me a look that said, “What’s wrong with her?” over her shoulder, and I had to do my best to shrug without Emily noticing. She finally pulled back and took a deep breath, reorienting herself before returning to her seat.

“You ready?” Nate asked, making his way back over to me and slipping his arm around my waist.

“Yeah,” I said, trying not to take too much notice of the way Jacob turned his head when it happened. We all exchanged goodbyes and Nate and I found our way out the door.

“Y’know, you have a lot of male friends,” he remarked, taking my hand. I felt a bit self-conscious about it, but only because I knew everyone could see us out the window, and I was positive that Jacob was watching us.

“I do indeed.”

“And they don’t wear shirts very often, do they?”

“Not when they’re not required to, no,” I laughed.

“So your home doesn’t enforce a strict ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service’ policy?”

“We are a clothing optional household, yes, sir.” We had arrived at Nate’s car, parked at the top of the drive.

“Does that mean you don’t wear clothes either?” he asked me, his voice a bit deeper and a tad huskier than before as he pulled me in close by my hips.

“Oh, I run around naked all the time,” I teased, trying to keep a straight face as my arms encircled his neck.

“Mm, well I’ll have to drop by and witness that little spectacle for myself, haven’t I, love?” I couldn’t help but laugh at our banter, as ridiculous as it was.

“Yes, you haven’t to do that,” I agreed, poking fun at his word choice. He pressed his forehead to mine, the chilled tips of our noses touching.

“Definitely,” he chuckled.

“Definitely.”

And then Nate’s lips were on mine and they tasted like vanilla and bright spots of light flashed and danced behind my eyelids. The kiss was quick, but sweet, and Nate beamed at me as he reached over to open my door for me.

“And it’s not a little spectacle, either,” I added as I slid into my seat.

“Oh no?” he laughed, leaning forward with one hand on the open car door and the other on the frame.

“Oh no. It is a grand spectacle.”

“Is it now?”

“Mmhm. The grandest.”

“I don’t doubt it for a second, love.” And with that he closed my door and found his way to his own. He grinned at me as he slid into his seat and turned the key in the ignition.

“Wait, wait, wait!” I cried before he put his foot on the gas.

“What?” he demanded.

“You have to put your seatbelt on!” I chided, pointing to where it was as if he might have forgotten. He rolled his eyes and reached for the wheel.

“STOP!” I hollered, my voice filling the fairly small car space. Nate sighed and sat back in his chair as I unbuckled my seatbelt and situated myself on my knees so that I could put his on for him. I could feel him watching me as I reached around him to grab the strap and pulled it to the buckle. I was working at it for few seconds, having a bit of trouble.

“You know, you stick your tongue out when you’re determined. It’s quite adorable.” I realized that the tip of my tongue was peeking out of the side of my mouth.

“Or just concentrating. This is kind of difficult.” Nate chuckled as he tried to help me, but I immediately snapped at him. “No! I can do it myself!” I insisted in one rushed breath. It took me a little bit longer, but I had finally succeeded in putting his seatbelt on.

“You’re cute,” he laughed as I returned to my seat and buckled myself back in, with much less difficulty this time.

“And you, my friend, are a menace to society.”

“And don’t you forget it.” We both smiled and took the others’ hand as we finally pulled out of the driveway and headed to dinner.

When we arrived, we pulled into the Katsaros’ tidy two car garage and stepped out. “Close your eyes,” Nate said before opening the door that led upstairs into the main house.

“I regret to inform you that that is not happening in these shoes,”

“Then just look at your feet.”

“Whatever you say, Bossy,” I mumbled, just loud enough so he could hear and looking at my toes.

I started up the stairs, holding on to both railings as I kept my eyes on the drippy pattern of my shoes. I gave a little start when I felt Nate’s hands cup my behind, and rolled my eyes when he didn’t let go. “If you’re leading, shouldn’t you be in front of me?” I asked him.

“Just making sure you don’t fall, beautiful.” I scoffed. “Think of me as insurance.”

“Whatever,” I grumbled, trying not to smile. Our banter that night had been highly amusing, and the car ride alone had been absolutely wonderful.

“Alright, alright. Keep staring at your shoes,” he said, finally releasing my bottom as we reached the top of the stairs. I stayed where I was, watching my toes tap on the hardwood floor of the hall. I heard Nate shuffle away and a switch get switched before he said, “Open.”

I looked and I was absolutely breath taken. The dining room had been transformed into a tropical island. A layer of white sand at least an inch thick in it’s shallowest places covered the floor of the dining room. Red, white and pink rose petals littered the sand and the tan tablecloth. Christmas lights were strung in rows from the ceiling, and tea lights encircled the centerpiece of pink lilies on the table.

The back wall was covered by a stunningly painted landscape portrait of a Fijian beach at sunset. I assumed it had been done by Konstantina who was know to be quite the artist. It was so big, I’m sure it could’ve been considered a mural. There were fake palm trees posted at each corner of the painting, and real palm fronds were attached to the back of our chairs, fanning out at the top. There was a quiet track of tropical island sounds subtly playing in the background, and a heating fan on a chair in the corner gently blowing warm air back and forth across the room.

The greatest part was Nate, smiling in an unbuttoned shirt with loose island khakis, no shoes, and two piña coladas that were held in hollowed out coconut shells. All I could do was smile in awe as I slipped out of my heels and walked toward him.

“We’re always joking about how we might elope to Fiji one day. I figured we could pull it off for one night,”

“Nate, this is amazing,” I breathed as I took a coconut from his outstretched hand.

“We were working all day,” he said, wrapping an arm around me and hugging me close. We both stared at the “sunset” and we took a sip of our drinks.

“Oh my god, this is wonderful,” I groaned, licking my lips.

“Right? Tina is way too good at mixing drinks.” We laughed and I sat down in my chair, setting my heels on the ground beside me. I pouted at him from across the table when Nate sat all the way at the other end. He shot me a questioning look.

“What?”

“Why are you all the way over there?”

“This is where my seat is.”

“No, come sit by me!” I chirped, cheerily patting the spot on the table beside me. Nate sighed and tried to hide his smile as he dragged his chair over to mine and plopped down in the place I had designated him.

I put my hand out palm up and Nate smiled as he took it, kissing it briefly before putting them both back on the table. Right then was when I heard footsteps and turned to see Konstantina coming down the hall. She was wearing a flowy white sarong and had a pink lily tucked behind her ear. I just laughed and smiled at her as she made her way to the table.

“Good evening. My Name is Tina, and I’ll be your waitress for the night,” she introduced herself as she handed us menus. I recognized them as the menus used at the diner, but with different sheets inside. Apparently, this restaurant was called The Beach. Tina was even wearing her nametag from the diner. “Is there anything I can get you?”

“Um, for our appetizer, I think we’ll have one order of the cassava balls,” Nate said with a polite grin. I had to keep from laughing. The menu had four categories: Appetizers, Entrées, Desserts, and Beverages. Each section had a very limited amount of options, entrées with a grand total of three. Beverages was the only section with the luxury of having whatever I assumed was in the fridge at the time, plus whatever drinks Tina knew how to mix.

“ I’ll be right back with your order,” she said before sauntering off.

The evening had been so much more perfect than I had ever imagined. Nate and I engaged in an amazing conversation which was preceded and followed by endless amounts of joking and kissing. He had looked up some Fijian dishes he could make and then cooked them wonderfully. The cassava balls were almost like fried mashed potato balls. For our entrée, we had crab cakes, penne pasta in tomato cream sauce, and pineapple fish balls because “those just sounded like way too much fun to make.”

I had filled up on all of Nate’s cooking and was sure that I couldn’t take any more until I saw the cake that he made for me. It was a cake that resembled the character Gir from the show Invader Zim. The robot in the green dog costume was laying on his side, his eyes closed and I could see his small pink tongue that permanently stuck outside his mouth. The model was surrounded by little stacks of Gir’s favorite things, such as waffles, tacos, taquitos, and rubber piggies. The cake was simple, but the professionality of it was obvious, just like something you’d see on the hit TLC show Cake Boss. Nate claimed it was one of his best.

After Nate and Tina and I all had cake, she kissed us both goodnight and went up the stairs to her room, leaving Nate and I alone. He dimmed the overhead lights even more so that we were bathed in the glow of the Christmas lights and the candles. He replaced the track of tropical island noises with a new CD, pulled me into his arms, and we started dancing.

“When marimba music starts to play
Dance with me
Make me sway””

Michael Bublé’s enchanting voice floated around the room and I snuggled closer to Nate, leaning my head on his shoulder. We were quiet for moment as the song “Sway” played on, and my thoughts began to wander aimlessly. Before I knew it, I was thinking about Jacob, the way I knew I would, and I also knew that I had to tell Nate about the incident in Seattl. The butterflies in my stomach were creating such a storm that I was afraid I would start to puke and thousands of bothersome critters would flutter out of my mouth.

“Nate...” My throat was dry, and my voice was more of a croak than anything.

“Hm, love?” His affection made my heart attempt scramble out of my chest and fling itself onto the poor boy’s face. I straightened up so that I could look him in the face and bit my lip hard, bracing myself for the next few parts.

“You know that I just got back from Seattle with Jacob,” I began tentatively. Just the way that his face twisted into a look of suspicious concern made me want flee the room.

“Yes...” He was worried. I could tell. He had every right to be, but I still found myself wishing he wouldn’t react at all until after I had finished. It made going through with it that much harder. I tried my best to ignore the nagging voice in the back of my mind that reminded me that I could still back out now; I could still avoid this surely and most likely damning confrontation. But I stood by what I told Jacob in the car: it was unfair of me to deny him the truth simply because I was afraid of the consequence.

“He and I kissed.” There. I said it. It was done.

But the conversation was far from over, I realized.

Nate frowned and stopped moving. He had frozen completely; I wasn’t even sure he was still breathing as he stared hard at my face. I thought maybe he was looking for evidence of it on my lips. Whatever he was doing, it was making me uncomfortable and incredibly guilty, and I wanted to look at anything but him, but I forced myself to suffer under his gaze.

“What?” Nate dropped his arms from my waist and took a step back from me. I wanted to cry, but I had no reason to. I wasn’t the one who had been hurt here.

“Jacob and I kissed—”

“Nn, I heard you, I just...” He was breathing heavily and swallowing a lot, the same way I was. I wondered if he was trying to keep the lump in his throat from turning into water in his eyes too, and the thought just made mine grow bigger. He looked away from me and stared at our feet instead. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his face though. He was so hurt by all of it.

We were silent for a while, and Nate didn’t move. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, his head down and staring at the ground a little bit to his left. The only sign of life in him was his heaving chest. “Nate, please say something,” I whispered.

“What the hell am I supposed to say, Calypso?” he yelled, finally snapping. I jumped at his sudden outburst as he turned on me. His sad eyes had turned to angry ones, and his jaw was clenched as he ran his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know, I just...” Nate huffed and began to pace back and forth, kicking sand up behind him.

“Can we just talk about this please?” I asked timidly, taking a small step toward him. He stopped in place and looked at me.

“What is there to talk about?” I opened my mouth to respond, but it snapped closed, as I was able to think of no sufficient answer. “I mean...” Nate seemed almost afraid to ask what he was going to ask next. “Did you kiss, or did you...kiss?” I bit my lip and felt the sharp pricking feeling behind my eyes that warned of tears.

“Nate, I—”

“Goddammit, GODDAMMIT!” he roared, turning and pounding his fist against the wall, leaning his forearm there. The impact made a loud and sudden boom, and I jumped again, gasping a bit at the display of violent anger. “I knew that son of a bitch was up to something, taking you on that Seattle trip.”

“Nate, I’m sorry.” My voice broke and I started chewing on my nails, something I hadn’t done in years. My hand was shaking, and I realized I had no clue how this was going to end. “I didn’t mean for anything to happen there, and then it did, so I told you. And I knew you’d do the same for me if something had happened between you and Sam, or anyone, and it wasn’t fair for me to keep this from you.” Nate turned and looked at me, his face totally changed. I couldn’t read it, but there was something tender in it; a trace of mildness that hadn’t been there before.

“And I understand why you’re mad at me and if you never want to see me again, I just really hope that’s not the case because I really care about you a lot and--” As I was ranting, Nate had walked over to me, grabbed me by the shoulders and kissed me. The relief that flooded my body was enough to make me collapse into him, and Nate was right there to catch me. I sighed as my arms went around his neck and I clung to him like I might sink into the sand if I let go, and he held me just as tightly. My breath left me as we kissed, but I didn’t care. I was dizzy with happiness, and couldn’t believe that he was kissing me so enthusiastically. When he stopped, it was abrupt, but it was okay because of the way he was looking at me.

“I forgive you,” he said. “Let me drive you home.

And that was that.

The drive home was silent, and we didn’t hold hands the way we usually do. We were both absorbed in our thoughts. The air between us had shifted, and I sincerely hoped it would right itself soon. When he pulled up to my house, the lights in the kitchen window were on with the curtains open, and I could see everyone still inside although it was midnight. But that was winter break for you.

Our goodnight was stiff and dispassionate. We shared a kiss that made my stomach rwirl, and lingered on my lips long after it had ended. Nate watched me walk to the door with my barely eaten Gir cake. got in his car, and sped away. When I entered, everyone turned to look at me. I placed the cake on the table. I stared at the dog with a piece of his chocolate head missing, along with one of the taquitos.

“How was dinner?” I heard someone ask. I looked up, yanked out of my thoughts and into reality.

“Dinner was fine,” I answered, pushing back that stray lock of hair and looking at Seth.

“Did Nate make this for you?” Emily asked. I smiled shyly at her.

“Yeah, he did.”

“Well, wasn’t that sweet of him?”

“It was, wasn’t it?” I asked. And then the guilt crashed into me hard and fast and I felt I might buckle under the weight. Tears had filled my eyes almost instantaneously, and wobbled on the edge of my vision, threatening to spill over onto my cheeks.

I hurried to bed without another word to anyone. I slipped out of my dress and shoes and left them in a cheery pink puddle on the floor as I climbed into bed. My hair was easily undone, and it tumbled in wavy locks around my shoulders while I cried silently. I layed on my side in the fetal position, crying and sniffling until my eyes got too sleepy to cry and nose got too tired to sniffle.

And then I fell asleep.