The Adventures of Gerard Way Vs. Soulja Boy

Deep inside the bowels of a warehouse in the general area of Los Angeles, a gavel slammed onto a long wooden table, signaling the beginning of the monthly meeting of the Evil League of Evil. The table was long enough to seat all twelve members without them touching each other. The end and head of the table were both plunged into shadow, making it nearly impossible to see anything more than an outline of the person who was sitting at either spot. All of the high backed, velvet chairs were full with the exception of one near the head of the table.

"Let us come to order." The table fell into absolute silence, each member staring at the empty chair.

"Good. Our first order of business is obviously the trouble that has been around our missing member, Soulja Boy." The leader of the Evil League of Evil, deemed the Most Evil Thing, gestured at the empty chair with his hoof.

"Is there anyone here who has no idea what I am talking about?" Not a single member of the League raised their hand, although there were at least two who didn't know. To show any sign of weakness was to be banished from the League.

"Excellent, moving on then. It appears that this man..." There was a clicking noise and an image of Gerard was projected onto the wall.

"... has a problem with Soulja Boy. According to him, his music is 'corrupting our youth.'" Although it was impossible for the Most Evil Thing to do finger quotations, since he had hooves, the point was still there.

"But isn't that what it is supposed to do?" At the other end of the table, a gorgeous young man leaned out of the shadows, one eyebrow quirked. His brown hair reached to his shoulders and his skin was completely flawless. He was holding a pipe ingrained with pearls in his left hand. The smoke wafting from it was not that of tobacco. Before he finished his statement, he sucked from the pipe and for only a moment, his true face was shown to be rotted and pitted with scars. As soon as the pipe left his lips, he was beautiful again.

"I mean, don't we want to corrupt the youth of today?"

"Yes Dorian, but that's not the point. We're supposed to be doing it subtly. If this Way character..." The Most Evil Thing took a moment to spit in the direction of the projection's image and the other members of the League followed suit.

"If this Way character spreads the word, then we are done and the League of Good will win." The room was suddenly filled with hissing and more spitting. As can be imagined by their names, the League of Good was the sworn enemy of the Evil League of Evil.

"Where is Soulja Boy now?" another member of the League asked.

"Currently, he is performing in California. It is a free concert and you know how the children love free concerts." The room was filled with nodding; free concerts were just one of the evil tricks the Evil League of Evil kept hidden up their metaphorical and literal sleeves. They also used free food and subliminal messaging on occasion.

"So what exactly is the plan?"

"Well, Way managed to confront Soulja Boy at his mansion last night, but he was easily defeated." The League members banged their fists (or hooves) on the table.

"However!" The banging quickly ended. "The fact remains that he dared to challenge us. If he had written angry blog posts or written a pamphlet or whatever kids do now, that would have been fine. But he is a serious threat and must be exterminated."

"In public?" Dorian asked, leaning forward over the edge of the table. His real face appeared again briefly but he composed himself, taking another hit off of his pipe.

"Do we do anything but?" The table burst into raucous laughter, with each member of the League developing a French accent at the same time so that the high ceiling chamber echoed with hon hon hon! The laughter continued for nearly ten minutes, even as the members of the League grew slowly redder and redder as their lungs began to run out of air. Finally, the Most Evil Thing slammed his hoof onto the table so hard that it cracked in half. Even as the table buckled and collapsed to the floor, the League members remained calm. They were evil, after all.

"Meeting dismissed!" The League filed out of the room until only the Most Evil Thing and his assistant were left in the room. The Most Evil Thing calmly kicked the table with his leg and it sprung back together, looking flawless once again. Satisfied with its shining surface, he sat back down and glared at his assistant.

"I have the rumblies that only hands will satisfy. Go get me hands!"

"Yes sir!" The assistant trotted out of the room, leaving only the Most Evil Thing and the projection of Gerard on the wall. Leaning his head on his hoof, he stared at the photo, studying the man who had dared to challenge him.

"You silly, silly man," he whispered softly. "You have no idea what you are doing."