I Love You But I Can't Have You

It's been five years since my sister died because of what she did, on what I did to her. She also had a miscarriage at the same time. I still felt guilty on what I did, but it is the past. Yet, I still missed her, so god damn much. I missed having a sister. Things have changed a lot and I think its kinda better now. I know Charlie guided us, My Chemical Romance, that's why were like this, the albums that we made after her death was a complete success. Thanks to my sister. I know, wherever she is, she's a lot happier.

Mikey is already married and so do I. I married my wife on my sister's twenty ninth birthday. I know my sister is happy for me though. I always went to her grave whenever I'm free. Her grave was just beside my loved ones.

My wife knows everything about my past. She's amazing. At first she was shocked that I have a sister, and of course she became more shocked when she found out what I did to Charlie. But she accepted it, because, it's the past. Now, I'm here, in front of Charlie's grave, once again, to tell her that I'm so sorry. I squatted down and looked at her name.

CHARLOTTE MARIE RUSH WAY
1978-2002

"Hey sis, how you doin'? It's been a long time since I went here. I'm sorry, because I got busy and stuff, but I know it's okay with you. If you're gonna ask me, I'm doing great. Though I was hurt before, but I've been able to move on and now I'm married."

"See, I have lived for you, I know it's a bit early to tell you this but I want you to know that I will really live for you. I once told you that I'm gonna die if you die, because you're my life. I have lived for you because that's the only thing I could do for you. I didn't give you a normal life when you were still living. Sometimes, whenever I went to your room, I would look at your bathroom and I just feel like doing the same, what you did. The guilt that I felt years ago haven't fade away yet. I know it will not go, because I deserve to be guilty for all of my life on what I did to you. I didn't even say to you that I am sorry. That is the thing that I regret the most. I'm sorry. I know I'm always saying this to you, it's just I miss you so much. Every time I looked at your tombstone and then I will see your name scribbled on it, it kills me. And every time people will say that My Chemical Romance saved their life, it sickened me because they would say I have saved many lives but I never saved my own sister's life. I miss you so much, Charlie. You don't know how I feel, combination of guilt, sadness and longing. If it weren't for you, I've already followed you. I really do wish that you could be with me again, set everything straight and start all over again. But we can't because you're there, and you can't come back anymore. I just wish you are still alive, I just wish I have saved your life," I said, while crying.

"It's been five years since you left us, it hurts every damn day. Sometimes, at night I would be awake and snuck into your room just to say goodnight to the girl I love, but I cannot find a girl who looked like me that is curled on her bed, peacefully sleeping. And then, I would cry myself to sleep thinking, 'Where did you go? Why you can't come back anymore? Why did you left me here? When will I ever see you again?' But now, I'm married, I'm sure she will help me not to forget you, but to move on and went through this agony that I've been experiencing. I really never expected that this would be happening. I never thought that you're gonna leave me. You know what? I still love you, like I did before. The feeling hasn't faded away yet. I love you very much. I would do anything for you to live again. I would rather hear your voice again than any sound in this world. I love you so much, Charlie, I really do. I love you as much as I love my wife."

"You still love her," someone said behind me.

I turned and I saw Frank.

"What the... Frank? What are you doing here?"

"Visiting my best friend, I suppose," he smiled. "You still love her."

I sighed. "Yeah, Why? Is there something wrong with that?"

"Why? Did I tell you that there is something wrong?" he laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. Shush," I said, turning away from him.

"Hey, I miss your sister," he said as he squatted down beside me.

"Who would not miss my sister? Who would not miss a girl like her?"

"You miss her?"

"Of course I do!" I said, giving him a 'what the hell' look. "She's my sister, after all. What kind of brother am I if I don't miss her? I miss her, very much."

"And you loved her," he smiled. "Oops! Lemme change that, you still love her."

"Yeah," I said. "Frank what's your problem?"

"Why?"

"You're kinda irritating me, ya know?"

"Haha! I knew it. I'm sorry. I just came here because I miss Charlie,"

"You miss her. I miss her too."

"Hey, I don't want to cry-cry okay?"

"Why?"

"Gaaah, you just cried, It's obvious with your eyes. Where's the other Ways?"

"They'll be here later. I should have let her go to Chicago."

"Do you think if she didn't die and let her go to Illinois, you would be able to forget the love that you gave to her? Just think of it, now, she's dead and you still love her. What more if she's still alive?"

I sighed on what he said. "Frank? I want to ask, did you ever get mad at me when you found out that she's dead?"

"Yeah, I was. I just want to kill you or bury you alive. She's my favorite girl next to my mom. But when Mikey told me that it's not your fault, my feelings have changed suddenly. Plus, I know that you don't want that to happen. I don't know, but with the words that Charlie's been telling me before, it seems that you really love each other despite the fact that you're brothers and sisters. She really loves you."

"That's why she did this?"

"I guess so."

"Aaah, Frankie, I want her to live again."

"You know? I'll confess this to you."

"What is it?"

"The first time I saw your sister, I had a crush on her."

"Aww, man. Really?"

Frank nodded.

"Did she know it?"

"Nah, I didn't tell it to her, because it seems that she don't like me so I decided that I'm just going to be her friend."

"Plus, she's mine that time."

"Yeah, I know. But I made out with her once," he grinned.

"What?"

"But I didn't mean that."

"Good," I said tapping her shoulders. "I love her, so much. I just can't wait for me to die to see her again. I want to hug her and never let her go."

"I'm sure that she misses you too. And I'm sure she's just there, watching over us." Frank looked at Charlie's tombstone. "Charlotte? Gah, I miss your voice! Your brother here is crying again, because he misses you. I wish you didn't die, I wish you're still here, with us, MCR. I know you'll be glad on what's happening to us right now. Charlie? I'm still a midget. I'm the only midget left, because you left me, you left us. Charlie I really really miss you so much. I want to hug you again like the way I hug you when you were still here. I only give that kind of hug to you, no one else but you. You didn't give me the strike four because you're already dead and you're not there on my birthday and you're not there when I put the tattoos you suggested before. Though you were not there that time, I hope you're alright there, wherever you are. I miss you."

"My sister is taller than you, midget..." I said. He turned and looked at me. I saw his eyes with tears. "Oh?"

"Yeah, I'm midget. The midget misses her midget best friend, but that midget best friend cannot come back to her friend midget. Its sounds so childish but it's true."

"Frank..."

"You know what, Mikey felt guilty too."

"Why?"

"He told me that he knew everything. If he stopped you at the first place, this would not happen. Instead, he let you continue, until the both of you have loved each other very much...that it came to the point that you won't leave each other anymore... and this."

"It's my fucking fault. He must not blame himself on what happened."

"Gee, it's no one's fault. That's what you called fate. That was meant to happen. If she didn't die, do you think we are here now? This is happening now? Would your wife be your wife? Some people must give up something so that things that are better would happen. Charlie died so that you would met your wife. Do you think, if she didn't die, you could think and write songs with her as an inspiration? Gerard, she really died for you. She died so the two of you will stop. Becuase if she didn't, things might get worst. She died, not you maybe because she felt that you had a future, you had unfinished business, or different purposehere in the world. Maybe her only business is to love you."

"But I miss her..."

"We all do. And I know, especially you. But this is the way it has to be. Gerard, there is always one thing you wish for but never get, there is always one mistake you can never take back, and most of all, there is always one memory you would do anything for to have it again. We can't do anything about it, we just need to accept every bit of it."

"She had loved me very much that's why when she left, it hurt very much too," I said looking at here name. "Thank you, Frankie."

"No problem."

I turned and started to talk again to my sister. "Charlie, I miss you and I will miss you, forever. I love you."

"Gee, I'm going now, want to come?"

"Yeah. Wait." I said. "Charlie? Until next time, alright?"

"Yeah, Charlie. Bye," Frank said.

I sighed and looked again at her tombstone.

"Why? I wish you're still here." I whispered to myself.

Oh God, I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you again. But I must my life to the fullest, just for you. I love you, Charlie. I love you, sis.