Trouble Breathing

So we drove for miles and miles. We left without saying goodbye to anyone. Then again, was there really anyone worth saying goodbye to? We left Illinois all the same without a second thought. For a while, it was completely silent in the car. Sadie fell asleep within a few hours and then we turned on the radio as quiet as possible. Sadie deserved some sleep. She had a big day today.

I wondered if Emma had planned this all along or if she just decided that she couldn't bear being there with people who hated her as much as they did. Did she think of Sadie or did it just end up that way? No, no, no, I thought, she definitely wasn't leaving without Sadie. She loved her more than anything.

Was she thinking of what my next move was or was she thinking of hers? Eventually, she pulled into a gas station on a back road we were on. We crossed the state line. The car stopped and the silence was broken with four words said in a sing-songy voice. "I'll be right back."

"Okay," was all I could say. My voice sounded foreign and scratchy out of lack of use. It happened often. For example, coming home from work and talking to the landlord who said often that I owed him money. It was a wonder that he hadn't thrown me out with all the late payments. Now there would be no one to throw out, and it wouldn't matter to either of us anymore.

I thought I heard something. A scream, a shout? We were in the middle of nowhere. Maybe it was an owl or something. I got out of the car. "Emma?" My voice echoed. Maybe I was only hearing a scream miles and miles away that faintly got my attention. There was no reply to the call but for the echoes of her name, so I started to head for the door of the gas station. "Emma?" As I got closer to the door, it opened. She appeared with a plastic bag around her wrist. "Michael, what are you doing out of the car?"

I blinked. "What?"

She took a step towards me and closed the door behind her. "I said," she started, emphasizing the words. "what are you doing out of the car? I told you to wait there."

"I heard something. I wanted to make sure-"

"I'm fine, see?" She did a three-sixty to prove it. "Now, there's nothing wrong. I just had to pay for gas. It doesn't let you pay at the pump." She took out a bottle of Diet Coke and handed it to me. "You ran out." She smiled. She did have a pretty smile.

"Thanks," I said, returning the smile. I followed her to the car and got into the passenger seat.

"Sadie? Sadie..." Emma said softly, shoving Sadie gently awake. She moaned. "Sadie, are you awake?" Another moan and she slowly opened her eyes. "Hey, DiDi."

"Hey, Emmy."

"I got you some lunch." She took out one of those PB&Js in a back with some Lays potato chips and chocolate milk. "And..." She pulled out a Hershey's bar. Sadie lit up with excitement.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, Emmy!" She exclaimed.

"No problem." She started the car and turned back to me. "I bought you some energy bars for us to share. If you're alright with that, of course."

"That's great by me. Thank you for getting me something."

"You're welcome."

After endless hours of driving, we stopped at a motel. We rented a room with two beds. We ate a quick dinner and Sadie fell asleep.

"Peter," Emma said, reminding me that she was there. "Come with me." She gestured out the door to the sidewalk outside. It was only us out there, and I stared into the parking lot. How did I get here, I asked myself, and there was no reply.

"Listen, I wanted to thank you for coming with me. I don't think I could've done this alone."

"It's fine. Thank you for considering me on your journey." Like hell it was fine. I wanted to say something about it, but suddenly, leaving my home, the place where I have always been, didn't seem so bad. What a boring, boring place it was. I really hated it. Maybe this "road trip" would be a refreshing relief to the drab Illinois I knew. But then, of course, they would throw me in jail for being an accomplice. Would I really mind if they did?

She almost smiled. So close, but I could see it in her eyes that she was something she thought was happy. She moved a bit closer to me and shivered. I took off my jacket and draped it over her shoulders. Something along the lines of "thanks" mumbled out of her mouth. Like a nervous deer, she looked at me. What was she searching for?

"Are you alright?"

She shook her head. "I've been thinking of my mom. I miss her." She put her head on my shoulder, looking for comfort. I gently put my arm around her in a "there, there" kind of way. She lifted her head up. "But I know that everything will be alright once we get to San Francisco."

That was another thing I didn't understand about Emma. Her fanatical devotion to San Francisco. "Everything will be alright once we get to San Francisco?" How could you believe in something that you don't know for sure?

But I gave her a smile of encouragement. I didn't know at the time that she had never even seen San Francisco. She had never been, only heard tales of it. She put her head back on my shoulder and I held her there as though she was my prom date. We stood there, not knowing what the hell we were doing. Then it started to snow. We both looked up and laughed at the weather's clever timing. She looked up at me and pulled me close. It was a kiss that I don't think I'll be forgetting any time soon.

"I promise I can make it warmer next year," I joked. And there was a flicker of a smile. So pretty. "You're beautiful, you know."

She blushed and we looked out to the parking lot, now being covered with snow. "We should probably go inside."

"Yeah."

She opened the door and I waited for her to walk inside. "Thank you, by the way."

"You're welcome" was all I could come up with, but I hoped that I could come up with something better next time.

Next time? What was I thinking, but it all seemed to fade away into the night.