Under the City Lights

So now I'm just curled up in a blanket on my bed, crying my eyes out like it's my sole responsibility to replenish the oceans with my tears. I really didn't know that having someone break up with you could hurt this bad. Like, seriously. I thought all these movies were just slinging bull shit when the girls were all depressed and heartbroken, but I think I'm actually in physical pain at the loss of Callum.

Callum was someone that I'd grown accustomed to having in my life and now that he isn't, I can't quite function.

This isn't because he doesn't want me, though. I have to keep reminding myself that. he's not doing this because he doesn't love me. He's doing this because he doesn't want me to be worried and he wants to be completely free to be with me as he wants to. I don't understand it, necessarily, but I do know where he's coming from.

He's lived his whole life watching his back for his dad, jumping at shadows and following orders. his dad has always been in control of every little thing he does, in some way or an other. He didn't want his dad controlling our relationship, too. It was really, I dunno, endearing that he cared so much about us that he didn't want anything tainting our relationship.

It still hurt, though. Like, a lot.

I was still curled up in a blanket that I'd kept folded up at the end of the bed from when Callum was here. It was the blanket he'd used when eh was sleeping next to me because he got cold easily and he said it smelled like me. Now, though, it smelled a little more like him, and whenever I missed him, I'd curl up in it and try to forget that he wasn't here.

Now, though, his lingering smell seemed to taunt me, even as it comforted me; seemed to say that he isn't here and he won't be for a long while. I won't even get to talk to him. I know he said he'd blog (which he'd been doing religiously about every hour since his dad went to work), but I still wanted to see him, to be able to make sure he's really okay.

His blog posts were usually just pictures that he enjoyed or thought particularly beautiful, but today, it was almost always ones of us or ones he'd taken when he'd come to visit. It was like he was trying to send a secret message, trying to let me know he knew I was watching.

I stuck my hand out form underneath my blanket cocoon to refresh the page. Callum had updated about an hour ago and his father wouldn't be a t home for another three hours or so.

I smiled as I saw a new post loaded. It was a picture of the two of us from behind, looking over the railing in front of the lion's cage at the zoo. I had my arm around his waist and he was pointing and giggling, excited about being at the zoo. I remember he was pointing at the lion as it let out a huge yawn, causing Callum to squeal about how cute it was. I was looking him at a huge smile in the photo and I remember responding "not as cute as you", cheesy as that was, and kissing him on the cheek.

I think Callum was trying to tell me not to dwell on the fact that there were still12 days until I saw him again. and to focus on the happy memories I had to get me through it.

Asher had texted me last night, asking if I wanted to come over for pizza, but I ignored it. This morning, I woke up to 5 new messages from him, asking if I was okay. I didn't answer any of the texts, so I expect he'll come over sometime today to make sure I'm not dead. He always gets worried when I'm not responding. Probably because he's always with his phone and expects everyone else to be as well. he gets all worked up for no good reason, but you've got to love him for caring.

About an hour and three pictures of the zoo from Callum later, Asher was walking into my room, the distressed scowl on his face turning into a worried wide-eyed look when he caught sight of my blanket cocoon.

"Bridgey, what's wrong?" he asked. "Did something happen to Callum? Why do you have his blanket on?"

I just stayed silent, not knowing how exactly to say what Callum had decided.

"Is it his dad? Is Callum all right?"

"He's okay." I said. "Or at least, I'm hoping he is. He's blogging." As if that explained everything.

"Why don't you call him?"

I shook my head, bringing the blanket in close to try and shield myself from the question I really didn't want to answer.

"Why not? His dad isn't home for another two hours or so."

"He wouldn't answer." I said.

"Wait, why?" Asher asked, sitting down next to me. "Is he angry with you?"

"No." i said. "He, um... he decided we shouldn't talk until he can be free of his dad. He doesn't want to put me through the worry anymore."

"What?" Asher asked, obviously shocked. "Oh, Bridgey." He pulled me closer and hugged me tightly.

"He just wants the best for me, which I guess I understand, but I still feel as though I've lost him for good."

"You haven't, though." he said. "In 12 days, I'm going to go pick him up and bring him back to your doorstep. Then you can bring him to the apartment we picked out last week. You've got it, haven't you?"

My mom had agreed to pay for my apartment, since I'd gotten a scholarship and we were so close to New York City, but not close enough that I didn't want an apartment of my own. We'd been apartment shopping the past couple weekends, in secret of course. It was going to be a surprise for Callum. We were going to live together when he got here, and that made me ridiculously excited. Almost excited enough that these 12 days were completely worth it.

"Yeah." I said. "My mom went with me to the realtor's office two days ago and put down the payment. I can start moving stuff in next Friday."

"Well, then, we can go house-decorating shopping to take your mind off of missing Callum."

"Can we start tomorrow?" I asked. "I'm a little depressed."

"Okay. Do you want ice cream?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay." he said, hugging me tightly before walking to the door. "You pick out a movie and I'll be back in a few with whatever ice cream is in the freezer."

"Thanks, Asher."

"No problem." he said. "You want me to invite Abby over? She's better at this feelings stuff."

"Nah, it's okay." I said. "I don't really want to talk about it- just veg out and watch sappy movies that make me cry."

"All right, then." Asher said. "Be back soon."

I knew then that I could get through these 12 days. I have amazing friends who'll help me through it, somehow.