'Cause I'm Broken When I'm Open And I Don't Feel Like I'm Strong Enough

My brother stared blankly at me for a few moments before it finally registered with him. I myself couldn’t move, or speak, or even really see anything, not that there was anything wrong with my eyesight, or my muscles, or my mouth for that matter. My mind just can’t process anything at this particular moment, other than the fact that this couldn’t be real... mum couldn’t be dead, it just wasn’t even possible. Jackson sat back down next to me on the couch. He started mumbling something that I’m sure neither the officer or I could understand. There was a long silence after that, one that seemed to make things just feel worse, until my brother finally spoke again.
“You’re wrong, it’s not her, it was someone else, there is no way it could be her.” Jacksons words were so strong, so sure that I could almost believe him. Almost.
“I’m sorry son, your mother really is dead.” Officer Buckman replied sadly.
That was when it really settled in, my mum was dead, gone, never coming back, and that was when the tears busted through. Mum was really gone, I felt like there was a hole ripped through my chest. I would never get to hug her again, or tell her I love her, or kiss her goodnight, or talk to her again, she’s gone. Forever. I couldn’t breathe properly, or make a sound other than the sobs. It was like someone had come and stabbed me a hundred times in the heart and even then the pain from that wouldn’t be as bad as this.
I could hear a commotion outside and I heard a familiar voice, someone then slammed the door open and it took me a while to realise who was looking in the room at my brother and I. My sister face red, and eyes blood shot from crying glared at the police officer in the couch across from Jackson and I.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!” Trinity yelled at officer Buckman. This really surprised me as did it surprise everyone else in the room. However Officer Buckman recovered quickly and got up to look my sister in the eye.
“I was telling these two kids about their mothers death that occurred earlier on today. I’m sorry but this is a private matter who are you?” The officer said calmer than I thought possible.
“Who am I? I’m their fucking sister that’s who I am! They were not supposed to be told unless I was fucking here. This is a family matter and you have just gone in and made everything worse you asshole! They need support, they are minors for Christs sake!” My sister practically screamed in his face, which he kept insanely neutral.
“Well, I apologise, I was not informed that they had an older sibling and also did not know that you requested to be here when they were told. There must have been some miscommunication. As for your swearing at an officer I will let it slide as you have just lost your mother and this must be hard on you.” Officer Buckman replied again calmly to my sister, she still looked like she was going to rip his head off but I could tell the worst was over.
“Yeah whatever, guys go and get your bags we are going to go back to my house.” Trinity finally spoke to Jackson and I.
“I...But we don’t have any clothes or anything... What will we wear? And and and I...” I probably sounded completely pathetic, my voice was all cracked and I still had tears running down my face. My sister looked at me with sad eyes, she could see I wasn’t functioning but she couldn’t blame me. I just got the worst news in my life, and now I have to try and have myself sorted enough to leave this office. Trinity came and crouched right next to me and hugged me tightly. I know she is trying to comfort me but right now it just makes me feel worse. Like its really real, like she... she really is gone.
“Don’t worry honey, well go back to the house and get your stuff before we leave” I heard whispered into my ear. I’m surprised I made sense of what she was saying I was crying so hard. Through the tears I could see officer Buckman leaving the office and Jackson standing in the corner stonily. Trinity let me go and looked me in the eyes, she was crying again, I don’t blame her.
“I’ll wait in the car, don’t be too long.” She whispered as she walked out of the room.
Jackson nodded and then shot off as soon as she was gone without even saying a word to me. Which left me sitting alone, in my misery... I wasn’t sure if I could even stand up yet. How could everyone expect me to be able to function after this? I slowly rose to my feet and amazingly my body was still functioning, I suppose I was on auto pilot. I made my way out of the office and towards the port racks for year elevens. People were staring at me and asking me what was wrong, I just completely ignored them because at the moment I couldn’t deal with anyone. It was getting irritating when people were actually stopping me and asking me what happened I had to push past them so they would get the message. I finally got to the port racks and saw my friends standing there around my bag.
“Ellie!” Lachlan yelled worriedly as he ran towards me he could see that I had been and still was crying my eyes out. He encircled me in a tight hug while I stood still, I know he was trying to help since his best friend was crying her eyes out but at this point in time I just want space. I tried to wriggle out of his arms and he got the hint and let me go, slightly offended. He looked me in the eyes, with sad eyes that seemed to beg for me to let him in and confess all.
“What’s wrong Ellie? What happened?” His voice sounded worried and scared slightly. I backed away and shook my head I couldn’t say it. Not now, not here, not ever again. It would make everything completely real, I couldn’t handle that. Lachlan took a step towards me and tried to look me in the eyes again, but I looked away.
“Ellie? Ellie look at me, tell me what happened.” He pleaded. I shook my head again and looked at the ground while my tears dropped onto my shirt. He took another step towards me and this time I move away and tried to go past him, he wouldn’t let me. He grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let me go.
“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what you are crying about.” He said with a stony voice.
“Just let me go! Don’t you see that I just don’t want to fucking talk about it!?!” I pretty much screamed at Lachlan. That’s when all of my friends got involved.
“Oh Come on Ella Lachlan is just trying to help, plus I mean it can’t be as bad as my jokes aye?” Jeff laughed trying to make the situation lighter. It was the wrong thing to say, I knew there was an explosion coming and now some of the people I loved most were going to get the worst part.
“Wow Jeff really? I know not many things can be as crappy as your stupid lame fucking jokes but believe it or not this time it is. Oh and I don’t care who is trying to fucking help I need to leave so Lachlan just fucking let me go right fucking now.”
“Geez Ella that wasn’t very nice.” Bronte piped up.
“Nice? Me not nice? Ohhhhh sorry Mrs. Nicey. Like you can fucking talk you are a bossy, mean, shallow, skank who only hangs out with us because no one else will take you!” I yelled in Bronte’s face I wheeled around to Jessica who I heard gasp “And YOU! Mrs. Perfect all the fucking time, who really isn’t all that fucking perfect, who says crap behind peoples backs! God it’s sad that’s the only thing that I can think of that’s bad about you! No one likes perfect it makes them feel like shit! And Lachlan! WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER! Yeah I love you but I couldn’t date you! Get it through your thick skull! And none of this changes the fact that my mother is dead and I will never get to see her again! SO FUCKING LET. ME. GO.”
Everyone was shell shocked and finally silent, I finally got my hand back so I stormed up to my bag grabbed it then pushed past my friends. I ran to my sisters car, fresh tears streaking my face, leaving my friends without a goodbye.