Twins.

Fuck everything, fuck my life, fuck my art, fuck these stupid feelings, fuck love, it has never done anything to me but bring pain and depression. Why was I the one always getting hurt? It was always me, I wanted everything to turn out right, but nothing in my life ever does.

"You changed your whole image" my grandpa noted.

I nodded, "It was time for a change Papa"

I decided that I was going to visit my grandpa, he was the only one that was closest to my heart, well, Alex was, but I couldn't face him anymore.

"Why are you so sad dear?" he asked, wiping my tears away.

"I've just been going through a lot,"

He nodded "I took your piano out,"

"Thanks Papa, I just think it'll be safer here where no one would run into it, and all my music," I whispered.

"What's wrong darling? You haven't stopped shedding tears since you got here"

"Everything Papa, mom, and Meghan she just doesn't treat mother right and it upsets us both, don't be mad at her though, she doesn't know what Mom's been through,"

"I see, but that's not at all that's bothering you is it?"

I shook my head, "Remember Alex?"

He nodded "You composed most of those songs about him didn't you?"

"Yes, Papa, I did, because I'm in love with him," I sighed.

"Have you told him?"

"I was too late Papa, he's in love with someone else" I cried.

"I'm sorry dear," he patted my hands.

"And we got into a fight, I suppose it's the best for him to be in love with someone else, I don't think he ever felt the way I feel anyways," I sighed.

"You don't know that,"

"I don't want to know anymore, I was going to lose this war with Meghan anyway, it was just a matter of time,"

"She likes him too?"

I nodded, "It's fine she can have him, and it sounds like he's a prize but he's not and I don't want to keep fighting with anyone, it hurts"

"You've always been such a good girl Ari, you've put aside your happiness for others, that takes courage," he replied.

"Thank you, Papa that means a lot coming from you,"

He handed me my notebook of music and as I looked through it, I knew what I had to do, burn every single piece.

"You're going to burn them?" he asked,shocked.

"I can't have any memory of my past Papa, as much as I love my music I can't keep this pain inside of me,"

"Can I keep them then?"

I turned to him "You really like them?"

"That I do and I wouldn't want you to burn such beautiful pieces, I'll put them away for you, in case you change your mind"

I bit my lip and handed him my notebook "Thanks Papa, I won't stop playing the piano or composing pieces I just want to start fresh is all,"

"I understand, would you like to stay here for a few days?"

"Sure, I rather not be alone anymore,"

"Okay good, you go get your things and I'll start lunch,"

I smiled, "Okay Papa,"

"Oh, and Ari I'm glad you finally took off all that make up, you're naturally beautiful you don't need any powder or that lipstick and your hair brings out your beautiful eyes,"

I blushed, "Papa, I was... no, you're right I was hiding behind all my make up and dark hair, thank you"

"Go on, get your things"

I nodded and walked out, I took a deep breath and continued walking no one could recognize me this way. I looked so different you'd think I was a completely different person, in
a way I was.

As I drove back to the hotel I wondered what Alex and Meghan were up to, were they happy? What about the rest of the guys? I haven't talked to them in so long, Zack was he still a work out aholic or Rian and his perfect teeth. I felt a sharp pain inside of me, like something happened that I wouldn't like.

I got out of the car and walked into the hotel, grabbing all of my stuff and taking them downstairs into my car. I packed everything and drove back, I stopped at Wal Mart to get something to drink. I should have probably not have done that because I ran straight into someone, I was running, always in a hurry.

"I am so sorry about that," I apologized, helping him up.

"It's fine," he smiled.

Shit, it's Alex.

I swallowed I really hoped he didn't recognize me I wasn't up to talking to him at the moment, or at all for that matter.

"I er.. have to be going, I'm so sorry," I muffled and looked away.

"Wait, you look familiar have we met before?" he asks.

I shake my head, "No, I've never seen you before, now excuse me,"

I ran off, my heart pounding inside of me and ran into another person, Fuck, why do I always run into people.

"I am so sorry," I apologized picking up what this person dropped.

I looked up, "Hi..."

"It's okay.. hi, do I know you from somewhere?"

I shook my head, "I I don't think so..."

He had such beautiful green eyes "Oh, well you sure look familiar,"

"Everyone I run into always say that, "I laughed nervously.

"Yeah? Wow,"

"I am so sorry I'm just... in a hurry,"

"Really it's fine." he nodded reassuringly.

I sighed in relief, "Good, Um.. I have to go.."

"Wait so soon?"

I blushed, "I have to meet my grandpa for lunch.."

"Can I at least have a name?" he grinned.

My heart was pounding, "Ariana and yours?"

"Charlie," he grinned.

"Well, see you around Charlie," I waved and left.

I grabbed what I needed and went to check out where I found myself near both Alex and this Charlie guy again.

"Damn" I cursed under my breath.

"So there you are pretty girl" he whispered behind me.

No, no more boys. No more love. I can't do this.

I jumped, "Oh hey, Charlie,"

"I know we just met but could possibly agree on going out to dinner?"

I looked at him like he was crazy, "Uh, I don't know.. a date?"

He laughed, "Or we can go bowling, I find you attractive and I would like to get to know you, if that's all right with you"

I breathed, "I uh..don't know.."

"Okay well, if you change your mind here's my number," he grinned writing it down on my hand.

I've seen this in movies too often, but a guy writing down his number on a girl's hand now that was weird. I was flattered but it was strange.

"Okay. .Well thank you Charlie," I smiled.

"No, thank you Ariana," he replied and left.

"Ariana?"

Damn, Alex over heard.

I decided to just ignore him and keep my eyes on the cashier check out my stuff, I could feel his eyes burning into my back.

"Ariana... is that you?"

I shook my head, "I have no idea who you're talking about but I'm--"

"It is you," he said, turning me around.

My heart started racing again, "Hello"

"Is it really you?"

I shrugged "I guess,"

"You look so different,"

"As in not wearing any make up and my hair is two or three shades lighter and shorter?"

He nodded "Yeah, why have you been avoiding me?"

"I needed time for myself,"

"Your total is 13.09" the cashier replied.

I nodded handing her a twenty and 9 cents, I hated getting change that was just me; I could feel Alex stare at me, astonished.

"Why?"

"Because I'm tired Alex, tired of being the last on everyone's list and I want to be alone,"

"Here's your change ma'am"

"Thank you" I placed in my pocket and grabbed my bags.

Alex followed me, "I've been trying to call you, did you get my messages?"

"I did," I sighed.

"You did... Why didn't you return my calls?"

I huffed "Because Alex, I'm hurt okay, I'm hurt and I can't stand it and I want to be alone,"

I opened the back of my car and placed my bags inside, "I'm tired of this too you know" he said standing behind me.

"Of what?" I said shutting the door and standing front of him.

"Us, fighting all the time and making up I'm sick of it,"

"Fine" I replied.

"Fine what?" he asked aggravated.

"You won't have to put up with it anymore,"

He blinked, "What does that mean?"

"It means I won't be around you or your friends, that way you won't have to deal with my shitty and bitchy attitude happy?"

His face soften, "Ariana, I don't want you out of my life, I just want us to be --"

"Normal? Like nothing happened? Like I didn't spill my feelings for you?" I cut him off.

He sighed, "Listen, I've always had feelings for you too, don't think for one minute that I didn't feel the same way, I just never thought you would..."

He what? What does this mean?

"Y-You did?"

"Yeah, and I wanted to tell you but I was too nervous and scared to tell you because I didn't want our relationship to change..."

Fuck friendship. I want you.

"I see and um..." I was at a loss for words, I had no idea what to say.

"I've learned that if we ever got together everything would change and I don't want things to change.. so instead I moved on "

My heart dropped, I thought he was going to ask me out or something I thought everything would get better, but as always I was wrong.

"Y-You did?"

He nodded, "I asked Meghan to be my girlfriend, I hope that's okay..."

I could hear my heart break, I swallowed my pride, I wasn't going to be mad at anyone anymore anger was too much for me. Depression however is something I could live with and I knew I would have to.

"Yeah, that's fine," I breathed, I felt warm tears building up.

"Ariana... please don't cry you know how much I hate seeing you so--"

I shook my head, "Tears isn't new to me Alex, and I understand that you have to be on and I guess I accept it,"

"I want you around" he whispered.

"I can't be around you Alex, it's too much. I'm in too much pain to be around you," I sighed, getting into my car and turning on the ignition.

He was standing next to the window and just stared at me, "I'm really sorry,"

I shook my head, "It's my fault, "

"Why?"

"Because I was stupid to believe that I'd ever have someone to love me, I was stupid to think that I could have you, my head was in the clouds and I knew that I'd end up falling on my ass and I did, I've made a fool of my self."

"Ariana, please don't say that you will--"

I shook my head, "I don't want love, I don't want it, I've seen what it does to people, I don't want it. I've seen what it did to my mother and I don't want to hurt like she did. I don't care if it's the greatest feeling in the world, I just don't want it."

He sighed, "I didn't mean to hurt you,"

"I know, I gotta go now Alex, my grandfather is waiting for me.."

"Oh, well, we can still be friends right?" he asked.

I sighed sadly, "No, Alex we can't, we can't be anything anymore,"

"What? Why not?" he asked, a frown forming on his lips.

"I told you, it'd hurt to be around you, I don't want to hurt anymore, I'm sorry now I gotta go," I finally got out of the parking lot and drove off, I could still see him through the rear view mirror.

He was just standing there watching me leave, I cried all the way home this was harder than I thought it would be but it was for the better.

I ran into my grandpa's home and set the bags down and ran into my mom's old room and crawled into bed. I cried and cried my heart was aching but all I wanted to do was cry, my Papa came in once in awhile to check up on me, asked me if I was hungry .I denied, I didn't want to eat, he told me that in time my heart would heal.

I didn't want to upset him so I nodded, but I knew that my heart would never heal from this and it's best to accept it.

I opened my phone and started texting my sister:

Meghan,

I know you and Alex are dating, I ran into him at Wal-Mart and I'm happy for you, congrats. I knew I wouldn't get him, but I thought I'd let you know so you wouldn't think that I was angry, I'm honestly not angry. I don't want to have resentment anymore I want to be happy, but it's going to take time I guess. Give me time all right? I can't be around you two right now, but I hope you're happy. Make him happy, he deserves to be happy. I decided that I'll be moving out of the city to make my dream come true, ti's all I have. I know I never told you much about me, but that was because I didn't want you to judge me. I'm going to Broadway, I'm going to try and hand in some stuff I wrote. I'm a piano genius, according to my grandpa he thinks I should go and make my dreams come true.

I pushed send and got under my covers, right now all I wanted to do was be alone, get over this heartache.