Do You Remember

Claire.
Even her name makes me want to throw something and she hasn’t been in your life for years.

Oh, how I hated her.
Not only because she was stealing your attention away from me (which is something I’ve always craved), but because you appeared to be head-over-heels for her.

Of course, I know now that she wasn’t really who you wanted, but god damn, was I jealous of her.
Why wouldn’t I be?
I was fourteen and completely sure that you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and yet, other than the fact that you spoke to me several hours each day, it was like you never knew I existed, at least not in the way I wanted.

And there you were, with some blonde slut hanging off your arm like you were some trophy, smiling down at her goofily and allowing her to talk your ear off about some trivial piece of gossip.
Watching the pair of you walk to your classes together with her talking non-stop about how Anna and Lee were caught kissing in the disabled toilets or that Benjamin was seen checking out the other guys on the swim team in the bathroom and now there’s a rumour going around that he tried to come on to Kyle broke my heart.

The way Claire wrapped her slimy little hands around your arm as if to say “back off, bitches, he’s mine” just made me feel even more like I had absolutely no chance with you and watching you kiss her, watching her disgusting lips touch your perfect ones was painful.

‘They should be my lips on yours’; I always wanted to scream at you, ‘Why are you letting her contaminate your perfect mouth like that?’

What made the whole situation worse was that I had to pretend that I liked her; that I approved of your relationship.
After all, I was the best friend.
I’ll tell you now: All those times that I told you that Claire was “nice” and that “you make a cute couple”?
Yeah, I lied.
Claire was a bitch and I wanted to knock the shit out of her for even touching you several times a day.
And also, you did NOT make a cute couple. Know why?

Ugly, bitchy girl + gorgeous, sweet boy = love? No way.

Gorgeous, sweet boy + me, on the other hand = Delectable and delicious. Fantabulous couple. And LOVE.

Now, was it really that hard to figure out before you got together with Slutface Whorebitch?
I don’t think it was, but you were never much good at math… at least, not the important math like the equations I drew up for you just then.

Anyway, where was I? You know that I always get sidetracked.
Oh yes, that’s right.
Yeah, anyway, so you would always ask me what I was thinking when I spaced out on you while you were talking about Claire and I was always like “oh, just wishing I could get a girlfriend too… blah, blah, blah” and you would continue talking and I would continue plotting revengeand possibly murder no, not murder, I’m not that much of a psycho, although I think you might have a different opinion on that.

Remember when you were chatting away about Claire and I wasn’t paying a speck of attention until you said one sentence that drew me out of myslow and painful mental torture of Claire trance?

“What did you say?” I asked, not sure if I heard you correctly.
“I think I want to…y’know…” you had looked around your bedroom as if you were expecting other people to be there, and lowered your voice so much that I had to strain to hear the phrase that tore my heart in two, “I want to sleep with her.”

I had choked on my saliva and sat there coughing for a few minutes with tears running down my face, not only from the coughing, but from the hurt.

You were looking at me curiously, waiting for my opinion.
I told you that I didn’t care what you did and your face broke.

“You-you’re not going to support me on this?” you asked bluntly.
“I told you, do what you want,” I replied.
“But I want to know your opinion. Joshy, please, you’re my best friend. Tell me what’s going on in your head. Should I go for it? Should I not? Josh, please, tell me what you’re thinking.”

I laughed bitterly, although you didn’t know what the bitterness was about.
“You really wanna know what I’m thinking?”
You nodded.

I wanted to scream at you that it was a bad idea, that Claire could never love you like I could. That we were meant to be together, that she was all wrong for you. I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you and that I wanted your virginity (God, I’m such a creep; but… I did get it in the end, just remember that Addy). Did I tell you this? Of course not.

“I think it’s a terrible idea. She’s just going to do the whole ‘love you and leave you’ thing. I don’t want to see you get hurt…But, do whatever you like, it’s not like my opinion matters anyway, you’re probably going to screw her anyway, so what’s the point in telling you all this?”

Your face crumbled, and I was immediately shameful of my words, but I didn’t let it show. I stood up and left your room to allow you to think.

Obviously you made the (right) decision not to sleep with her, because you came up to me the next morning at school, and told me that you’d decided I was right.

Of course I was right. I’ve known it since I was twelve, Addy.

We’re supposed to be together. In life and death.