My Heart Could Never Be so Committed

A flurry of sloppy kisses in a deserted hallway was nothing to write home about. Unless of course said flurry took place with an innocent coworker. Unless you were married.
Like me.

I can’t say I’m proud of it. ‘Cause I’m not. But this isn’t the first affair I’ve had. If you can call kissing cheating. There have been a couple others, sweet, kind men, even though there was one who loved me more than all of them put together waiting for me at home.

I looked up from my computer screen when I noticed a shadow cross my desk. Will stood there awkwardly. “Er, hi, Dani,” he shifted his weight, causing the shadow to fidget.

“Hey Will,” I replied easily, rolling my chair slightly backwards.

“I was just wondering if you, uh, were busy tomorrow?” the nervousness he was feeling radiated out of his every pore. Eventually the men I choose to make out with start believing we’re actually together and attempt to get a date with me.

“Sorry Will, I’m afraid I have a date tomorrow,” I smiled, it was true though. Thursday was the designated out-to-a-restaurant date night Kennedy and I agreed on.

Of course, by now you’re wondering why no-one seems to know I’m married property. A scarlet letter, if you will. And you’re wondering whether or not Kennedy knows about my transgressions; my make-out sessions with your stereotypical nice guys (I think that the nice guy thing is a Kennedy-only thing. I’m getting tired of these other sweet posers).

Well, I don’t wear my ring when I’m not at home. It’s always in my pocket. I always go by Ms. not Mrs. That’s not even the most interesting thing.

Kennedy knows. He knows I kiss and make-out with other guys. And yet, he lets me. At least, he hasn’t left me so far. What’s even more intriguing is the fact that he has been totally and entirely faithful.

It makes me feel like crap. Honestly, it does. When I wake up in the morning, he’s downstairs with coffee and toast, an “I love you” ready at his lips that he doesn’t expect to have returned.

One guy, he almost wrecked it. He had charmed me too much; I’d let myself get too deep. He’d talked me into leaving. I was just going to uproot from Kennedy and leave without a goodbye or an explanation. I was going to leave him behind and the thought at the time gave me pause. I’d stormed out of that guy’s motel room right back to Kennedy who’d welcomed me with open arms.

To be truthful, I don’t know why Kennedy wastes his time with me. He deserves so much better than a girl who kisses other guys and can’t say those three little words back to him.

Even though I want to.

So badly.

But every time I try, my throat tightens, my tongue swells making it impossible. The hammering in my chest speeds up until I relent and say something else instead.

I glanced back at my computer screen, noticing the time. 5:15. Crap, I’m going to be late. I shut the computer down manually, grabbed my coat, my briefcase, and darted out of my corner office. I jogged down the staircase to the parking garage and piled into my used Audi.

I raced home, using every shortcut I knew, speeding through amber lights (which I really shouldn’t have, but hey, I was in a hurry.) I arrived home in record time, ten minutes and seventeen seconds by the radio clock. My previous record was ten minutes and fifty-eight seconds.

“Hey, Dani,” Kennedy met me at the door and greeted me with a kiss. Yup, he definitely deserved better than me. His nose wrinkled for a split second as he pulled away, registering the fact that I had kissed Will today, although he doesn’t know his name. “I picked up a roasted chicken from Save-On, is that okay?” he asked as he started walking back to the kitchen while I took off my shoes and set my stuff by the door.

“Yeah, that’s lovely,” I replied, heading upstairs to change out of my suit. It wasn’t until I was halfway back down the stairs that I realized what was wrong.

Kennedy didn’t ask me how the kiss was. For whatever reason, he usually asks about them with a grin on his face and amusement in his eyes. But he didn’t tonight. I helped him put all the pre-cooked food on the table before we sat down to eat.

He was unusually quiet. You would have had to cut the tension in the kitchen with a knife. I could feel it swirling around us until it had no more room to swirl. Instead, it became denser and more compact. I thought it would strangle me.

“Kennedy,” I started before I paused. He looked up. “What’s wrong?”

It was the wrong question to ask, his eyes flashed and he put his fork down. He seemed angry, before it dissolved into a sadness that reached so deep, I couldn’t see an ending in his eyes.

“Do you really have to ask?” Kennedy said, his voice gruff. Yes, I do, because I don’t deserve you, I don’t know what you’re thinking.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, knowing that whatever was making him upset had everything to do with my cruel treatment of him. His eyes met mine across the table. He leaned forward slightly.

“Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?” Kennedy’s words told me how well he knew me, and yet I had no idea what was bothering him. Unless… “No, of course you don’t, because you’re blind. We’ve been married for what? Three years? We’ve been together for five. And the entire time you’ve been seeing guys behind my back. Even now, I can see that you’re not wearing your ring. Why did you even say yes, Danielle? Why are you even here now?” he spoke quickly, the words seemingly rushing out of him, nothing to stop the flow. I felt the breath go out of me. I knew why I’d said yes, but…

“You want to know why I said yes?” I clarified. He remained silent but he seemed expectant. I inhaled deeply before continuing, “I said yes because… because I was selfish. Because I knew I didn’t deserve you but I wanted you anyway. I said yes because I adored how you made me feel loved. I didn’t want it to stop,” now it was my turn to let loose a torrent of words. “At the church that day, it was the best day of my life, but the worst day too. I felt like I was living someone else’s life and every second while we were at the altar I prayed that someone would stop it. I prayed that someone would save you from marrying me. I knew I couldn’t, I was selfish, so selfish, ready to ruin your happiness just so that I could feel loved. You could’ve chosen anyone, but you ended up with me,” Kennedy reached across the table and placed a gentle finger to my lips, stopping the confession. I hadn’t noticed, but two tears rolled down my cheeks before Kennedy wiped them away.

He removed the finger from my lips. “I should have divorced you so many times, so long ago. I should have set you free, but I couldn’t,” soft sobs wracked my already guilty body. Kennedy got out of his chair and knelt beside me.

“Sh, now, sh, Dani, it’s okay,” he pulled my head to his chest and it made me hate myself even more. “No, don’t you get it? It’s not okay, Kennedy! You deserve so much more than me, you deserve the fucking world!” I rarely swore and from what I could see through my tear-blurred vision, Kennedy was taken aback by the sudden f-bomb.

He held me as I cried for a bit before he spoke. “Dani, baby, you’re thinking all wrong,” he murmured as he stroked my hair. I turned to look at him, the question in my eyes. “I didn’t end up with you, I chose you. I want you and no one else,” he whispered in my ear but I shook my head disagreeing with it. “I did, no one put me under a spell, I love you,” he kissed my cheek. I sniffled slightly.

“You don’t get it, Kenny, I’m no good for you, I can’t be as committed to you as I want to be, I can’t say I love you even if I want to, I can’t… I can’t stop kissing other guys, Ken,” that let loose a whole other round of sobs. He rocked me until I calmed down some more.

“Why don’t you ever go further with the guys you kiss, Dani? You never go further than that,” he asked it like a rhetoric question, but I answered.

“I don’t want to,” I admitted. I could feel him smile against my skin.

“Exactly, Dani, you don’t want to. That’s the difference. That’s how I know that you do love me. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Do you think that, maybe, you kiss other guys as an unconscious thing? That maybe you do it to warn me away from you? Tonight was different, I could smell cheap cologne all over you and I thought that you’d finally succumbed, that I’d finally lost you, but then you say you’ve only ever kissed them and I felt relief,” he seemed thrilled as he stared at me, mirth in his kind eyes.

“What?” I hadn’t quite followed his train of thought. I went through his monologue again. “Oh… OH…” Kennedy chuckled as the pieces fell into place in my brain. ”But-“ I was cut off by Kennedy’s lips meeting mine in a kiss. I didn’t fight it, didn’t feel that I didn’t deserve him, didn’t feel anything except, well, love. Because I did love him, I just couldn’t give him a reason to stay with me. I lowered myself from my chair to the ground to be closer to him.

We kissed softly for a while, healing every problem we’ve had in the past couple years with the slow movements of our lips. And then, all too soon, he pulled away.

I took the opportunity before he could. “Why did you stay, Kenny? Why didn’t you leave me?” I asked. I suppose I’ve been mulling over that question for years, in truth.

“I love you, I couldn’t leave you. And despite your attempts, you couldn’t make me believe you didn’t want me, at least, not until that gross cologne tonight,” he smiled.

“Wait, so we’re good now?” I asked, still not fully comprehending the situation.

“Danielle, we’ve always been good,” he chuckled and I missed that sound. I hadn’t heard it all day. “I love you,” he repeated, nestling his head into the nape of my neck.

This was it. Danielle, if there was an opportune time, a perfect time to let go of your inhibitions, to finally be free to feel what you feel this is it! The words flashed through my mind as I automatically moved his head so I could kiss him. He didn’t resist as my lips touched his until I pulled away. He pouted until I smiled at him. My mouth opened to form the words, my mind praying the words would come out.

“I love you, too, Kennedy Brock.”