Reasons Not To Be An Idiot

“So, El. Who do you like?” Blunt, as always. I groan and throw my face into the pillow.

“I don’t like anyone, Sam!” I drag out the end of her name and I hear her huff.

“I know that you do like someone!” She protests and I turn my head lazily on the pillow to stare at her, one eyebrow raised. “Don’t give me that look! You have to like someone! You can’t just… Not like anyone! Seriously, El!” She crosses her arm over her chest in an angry manner and I struggle to contain my laughter. She scowls and grabs the pillow from underneath my head, causing it to fall to the mattress making a small ‘thud’ sound. “Serves you right.” She mumbles under her breath. I roll my eyes, snatching the pillow from her unsuspecting hands and hit her round the head with it.

“Serves you right.” I say loudly, a smug smile plastered over my face. In the corner, I noticed a redheaded girl watching us intently, her hand in her underwear as she made lustful faces at the two of us. I turned to Sam, “Sam, who the hell is that girl in the corner?” I say, both eyebrows raised at her in alarm and question. She looks to at me like I’m crazy.

“El, there’s no-one in the corner.” She states simply. I quickly turn my head back to the corner to see the red-headed girl lifting her hand out from her underwear, raising both of them and wiggling her fingers, a strange, almost smug, look on her face, and disappearing in a cloud of sparkly dust.

“But… Didn’t you just… Fucking hell, Sam! Did you not just see that girl explode into sparkly fucking fairy dust after wiggling her fingers? She had her hand in her fucking knickers for god’s sake!” I almost shout, throwing my hands up in the air in irritation. She stares at me for a few seconds in disbelief then bursts out laughing.

“Are you serious? El, you’re going bloody nuts!” She gasps out in-between bursts of laughter. I groan loudly and hit her with the pillow again. “Oh, come on El. A girl sitting in the corner touching herself over us? Seriously?” I nod furiously and she laughs at me again. “I think you’re losing it.”

“Did I ever even have it?” I question, one eyebrow raised. She rolls her eyes slightly and chucks a pillow at me.

“Common sense? No. Any kind of sense? Still no. Looks? Hell yes.” I look at her questionably.

“When did looks come into this?” She shrugs and studies her hands, staring at one for longer and then picking at the nail. “Well?” I ask, nudging her with my foot.

“I don’t know, just thought that I’d mention it, you know… To make you feel better.” She shrugs again and I huff, uncrossing my legs and climbing off the bed.

“I need food. Do you want anything, Sam? We have nutella, if you want…” I trail off and she looks up at me.

“You have nutella?” Her eyes go wide and I roll my own.

“Yes, we have nutella, Sam. Now get your ass out of my bed. I’m not bringing it up for you, lazy cow.” She whines and throws me the puppy eyes. I fold my arm over my chest and stare at her. “Get up, Sam.” She whines again but sits up and begins to get out of bed. “Good girl.” I mock as I turn around, and I feel the pillow hit the back of my head. I shout back at her as I leave the room and turn the corner. “People who throw pillows at other people don’t get nutella!” I hear her gasp from my bed, the thud of her feet hitting the ground as she jumps off and then her running out of the room after me.

“El, I’m sorry! I want nutella!” I chuckle and carry on walking to the kitchen, waiting for her to catch up.

*

“Hey, El. You seen Mark around? I need to talk to him, it’s pretty urgent.” I sigh as I hold the phone to my ear.

“Hey. Sorry, love. I haven’t seen him. What’s up?”

“I think he has my headphones and I need them. The chunky ones.” I sigh again; she’s always leaving stuff with him and then forgetting about it.

“Have you tried ringing him?” I say simply, already knowing that she hasn’t yet thought of doing that because, of course, that’s too easy.

“I didn’t actually think of that… Sounds like a plan, batman.” I roll my eyes at her saying.

“Anytime, Sam. Ring me back if you can’t find them, okay?”

“Will do, El. Thank you and I love you.” I giggle lightly at her remark.

“Love you too, Sam.” She mumbles a quick ‘bye’ and hangs up. I lock my phone, placing it back down on the bed next to me. I pick up my camera and turn it on, placing the strap around my neck. “Might as well get this over and done with.” I mumble to myself, bringing my camera up to my eye to check the focus. “Bollocks.” I say loudly, taking the camera strap from my neck and placing the camera back on the bed. I reach over the side of the bed and grab my school bag, pulling out my homework diary and opening it up. Sighing at my ignorance, I read quickly through the photography homework and close it again, chucking it on top of my bag on the floor next to my bed. “Take a set of pictures using what you learnt today on exposure.” I mimic. “Like I didn’t already know…” I sigh again, this time in annoyance. I don’t know why this teacher even bothers giving me the homework; she knows that I know it. Why not just tell me to take pictures? Everyone knows that’s what I’m good at, right?

I pick up my camera again and place the strap around my neck for the second time. Realising that it’s still switched on, I curse under my breath and turn it off, swinging my legs over the side of my bed and jumping down swiftly. I grab a few objects, some rolls of old wallpaper and a large folder and head out of my room towards my dad’s photography room. The only sound is the soft pad of my feet hitting the carpet as I walk briskly towards my destination, and this realisation hits me hard; my dad isn’t here – again. I sigh, knowing that I shouldn’t care this much about it, and that I should be used to it by now… But he’s my dad; I’m always going to miss him when he’s not around, right? I try to contain the tears that are threatening to fall, but they betray me and two stray tears race down my cheeks. I wipe them away roughly with the back of my hand, pulling my sleeve down over both of my hands afterwards. Just I reach to open the door, I hear the house phone ringing and I groan. I place my camera and equipment on the floor just outside the door, praying that I remember it’s there when I come back upstairs, and race down the stairs two at a time.

I reach the phone just in time and pick up the receiver, holding it to my ear, “Hello?” I say into the speaker, slightly out of breath from running down the stairs.

“Umm, hello. I’m looking for a, err… Julian Almond?” A soft male voice filled my ear.

“Oh, he’s not here right now. Could I take a message?” I ask politely, using the knack that my dad taught me.

“That’s a shame. Just let him know that Matthew called, please?” He sounds disappointed, but the softness of his voice is still evident.

“Sure thing. He knows a fair few Matthew’s though, any specific way I can let him know it’s you, and not a different Matthew – if that makes sense?” I hear him chuckle lightly, and then his soft voice vibrates into my ear once more.

“Matthew Baxter.” He says simply, “Say that name and he’ll know it’s me.”

“Right, got it.” I smile, even though he can’t see me and repeat what he told me. “Matthew Baxter; say that name and he’ll know that it’s you.” I smile triumphantly, knowing that I’ve got it right.

I hear him chuckle lightly again, “You got it, girl. Thanks for taking that message; it was nice speaking to you.” He pauses briefly, and I can hear his breathing at the other end of the phone. It sounds as if he’s thinking of what to say next, and I guess that would make sense, being on the phone and all… I don’t wait for him to talk, though, I chip in quickly.

“You’re welcome, Matthew.”

“Right, well. I guess that’s it then. Thank you again. Bye.” I return a rushed ‘goodbye’ before he hangs up the phone. I stand on the spot, the phone still held to my ear, the dialling tone playing directly into it.

“Pull yourself together, Elizabeth.” I mumble, quickly placing the receiver back into place and turning round to walk into the kitchen.

I reach the counter next to the kettle but change my mind and head back to hallway to phone Sam. I manoeuvre my way around various chairs and tables that I didn’t realise were there on my way in, and reach the phone just as it starts ringing again. I pick it up quickly. “Hello?” I realise my voice is hoarse and impolite, I curse under my breath.

“Hi, it’s Matthew. Sorry to bother you again,” He pauses. “I was just wondering what your name is.” It almost sounds like a question, but I feel somewhat obliged to answer anyway – to be polite if nothing else.

“Oh, right, hi. Me? My name’s Elizab—Liza, call me Liza.” I correct myself quickly, mentally shooting myself for almost giving him my full name.

“Liza, that’s a really pretty name. Is it short for anything?” I raise one eyebrow in question, but then realise he can’t see me and roll my eyes at myself.

“Yeah,” I mumble. “It is.” I stop, waiting for him to say something. The line is silent, and it seems he’s waiting for me to do the same thing. Two long minutes pass before he finally says anything.

“So, umm… What’s it short for?” He asks and I curse under my breath again.

“It’s short for Elizabeth.” I can tell my voice sounds rude, but the realisation passes me by without a second thought.

“I like the name Elizabeth.” He muses, more to himself than me. “It sounds like you don’t though. Why is that?”

“I don’t know, really.” I shrug. “I just don’t really like it.”

He chuckles. “Well, Elizabeth, I think it’s a lovely name.”

I feel myself smiling slightly, despite the fact he used my full name. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you should love it,” He pauses and I hear him swallow. “After all, it is me you’re talking to.” He sounds confident but I scoff.

“And who are you, exactly?”

“Did I not already tell you?” He pauses. “I’m Matthew. Matthew Baxter.” Again, I roll my eyes, realising afterwards that he can’t see me.

“I know what you’re name is. I just don’t know who you are.” I reply, moving slightly to sit on the stairs, the phone cable stretched almost to its full length.

“You don’t know who I am?” He sounds shocked, and I giggle slightly. “What’s so funny, Elizabeth?” I scowl and I know he heard me as he now chuckles lightly.

“Will you stop using my full name?” I ask, knowing that his answer will probably be a no anyway.

“What’s in it for me?” He sounds cocky.

I return with a cocky tone, “Nothing.” I smile to myself, a little confident – I’m not sure why I’m confident, if I’m honest, I just am.

“Well then I guess you’ll just have to put up with it.” He pauses again. I wait for him to say my full name, because I know he’s going to. “Hello? Are you still there?” He almost shouts down the phone and I pull it away from my ear, wincing slightly.

“Fucking hell! Why did you feel the need to shout?” I practically shout in reply, ignoring the fact that I contradicted myself.

“Says that girl that just shouted down the phone.” I growl slightly at his remark and resist the urge to hang up on him.

“Shut up, alright?” I mumble after a minute of silence. I hear him sigh at the other end of the line.

“Sorry, Liza.” He coughs awkwardly afterwards.

“Sorry for what?” I ask, my eyebrows pushed together in confusion.

“Upsetting you. I mean… I’ve never met you and I’ve already made you shout at me.” He barely mumbles through the phone and I feel my face fall.

“You didn’t upset me. It’s just…” I sigh, not really sure what to say. “I really don’t like my name.” I mumble, knowing that it’s the most pathetic excuse I’ve probably ever come out with.

“Let’s just forget about it then. Start over.” I feel the corners of my mouth tug up slightly in a smile.

“That’d be nice.”

“Great. So, umm… I have a package for Julian. I could come and drop it off? It’d be easier than making you get in touch with him to tell him to get in touch with me… Does that make sense?” The confident edge to his voice slips away towards the end and I can’t help but smile.

“Sure, that’d be fine. Definitely easier, that’s for sure.”

“Great. Umm… I’ll be over in about an hour, if that’s okay?” I nod then curse loudly, knowing that he can’t see me. Before I can reply he’s questioning me. “Are you okay? It sounder like you hurt yourself. Do you need any help?” I roll my eyes.

“I’m fine, honestly. Thanks though. But yeah… I’ll see you in an hour then?” My voice sounds oddly hopeful and the thought niggles at the back of my mind, waiting for an explanation.

“Yep, an hour. Bye.” I mumble my goodbyes as I stand up and then place the phone back into its place. I turn back towards the stairs and race back up the stairs to my bedroom, completely abandoning the idea of homework from my thoughts. Entering my bedroom I push the door shut behind me and fall face first into my beanbag in the far corner of my room. I groan loudly, the sound being muffled by the beanbag. I let my mind run wild with thoughts of why my voice was so hopeful on the phone to this ‘Matthew Baxter’, and they all seem crazy. I groan again, louder this time, and I hear my front door swing open and then slam shut, a voice calling my name up the stairs.

“El? El, where are you?” I attempt the shout a reply but end up with a mouth full of my fluffy beanbag cover. I lift my head and wipe at my tongue roughly, hating the feeling of that fluff being there. I push myself up slightly and twist over to lie on my back, still on the beanbag. I open my mouth to reply but instead get a mouthful of marmite sandwich. “Found you.” Sam says smugly and I look up at her in annoyance. I stuff the rest of the sandwich into my mouth and then chew as fast as I can. I stare up at Sam once more to see her trying to contain her laughter. I go to shout at her and bits of the sandwich spray over her face. Her smug look turns to one of shock and I slap my hand over my mouth, containing any more spray that threatened to leave my mouth as I laughed. “You bitch!” She screams, jumping on top of me and tickling my sides. “You got that in my hair! You know that I hate marmite!” I finish chewing what’s left in my mouth and swallow, removing my hand from my mouth and bursting out into a fit of obnoxious laughter. “Stop laughing! It’s not funny. My hair is going to smell like marmite and Mark will tease me and call me marmite girl and I hate marmite and it’ll be all your fault and—” She stops momentarily to take along gulp of air,”—I don’t even know! This is your entire fault, El! I can’t believe you did that!” She whines and I try to contain my laughter with no avail.

“I’m sorry, Sam. But you have to admit… That was pretty damn funny.” I say and she glares at me.

“I’m so getting you back for this. Just you wait, Elizabeth Malorie Almond, just you fucking wait.” She glares at me once again and I push her off me. She stands up and brushes down her clothes, and offers me a hand. I glance at her hand then her face suspiciously. “Don’t worry, El. I’ll get you back when you least expect it.” She smiles and cocks her head to the side slightly, trying to look cute; but I see the evil glint in her eye and an involuntary shiver goes down my spine. “I’m not that scary.” I hear her mutter and I roll my eyes. I glance once more at her hand in suspicion then grab a hold of it and she pulls me up to my feet. I let go of her hand and wiggle my legs out a little, brushing any dust that might be on my behind off, then walk across to my bed and jump up onto it, placing myself down in a cross-legged sitting position, looking at the space opposite me, then at Sam.

“So, what brings you over to my humble abode?” She shoots me an odd glance as she sits down, crossing her legs underneath her and placing her elbow on the window ledge to her right, then resting her head on her hand.

She shrugs, “Got bored.” She states simply and I roll me eyes at her. “You left your photography stuff out on the landing, by the way.”

I groan and flop myself backwards onto my pillow. “I’m always forgetting to pick my stuff up.” She grabs my elbow and pulls me back up into a sitting position, a knowing, yet sympathetic, smile on her face.

“What’s up, El Bell?” She asks and I sigh, not really knowing what’s wrong with me at all. I shrug and she rests her head on her hand a little more, looking at me with a slight confusion. “Is it a guy?” I sigh, bringing my elbows onto the bed in front of me and raising my hands so that I can bury my face into them. “I’ll take that as a yes then.” She mutters and a move my fingers so that I can peek through them. Her eyes show a look of sincere sympathy and I sigh again, moving my fingers back over my face to cover my now blushing cheeks. “You can talk to me, you know. That’s what I’m here for.” I nod slightly into my palms and I see her hand move to stroke my hair out of the corner of my eye.

“I don’t even know what’s going on right now.” I mumble my face still half-buried within my hands. “He just called, and then he called again and now… Now I’m here.”

“El, who is ‘he’?” I groan and lift my head from my hands, resting my chin in my palms instead.

“Oh shit, I haven’t even told you that bit yet,” I groan, again, in frustration, “Well… I don’t even really know who ‘he’ is, if I’m honest.” I pause, trying to find the right words to describe him. “I guess he’s… I don’t know. Just a guy my dad works with?” I try and she looks at me with wary eyes.

“You mean to say that a guy that your dad works with has made you go all stupid and girly?” She asks, her left eyebrow rising further up her forehead with every second. I suppress a giggle at my realisation, and then sigh, knowing that I sound utterly ridiculous.

“I guess so, yeah.” I agree, and she carries on looking at me like I’ve got a second nose.

“Have you ever even met the guy, El?” She questions and I blush again, turning sheepish. “That means no…” She mumbles under her breath and I laugh awkwardly.

“Well, I haven’t met him yet…” I raise my head from my hands, and then reach round to the back of my neck to rub at it awkwardly. “He’s kinda, sorta… Coming round in an hour?” Her mouth falls open and her eyebrows drop, both at the same time.

“El! Are you shitting me?” I smile sheepishly and shrug. “Jesus bloody Christ! You’ve spoken to this guy once—”

“Twice.” I interrupt; she rolls her eyes.

“—Twice, then… And now you’re inviting him over? What the hell is wrong with you?” She almost screeches and I wince slightly.

“Stop assuming things, Sam. I didn’t invite him over. He asked if he could come over to drop a package off for my dad, alright?” I return my argument in a raised voice and feel myself getting angry. I look at her face to see that she’s silent, looking down at the bed, and then up at me in turn. “If you’d even bothered to wait for me to tell you that, you would’ve known, wouldn’t you?” I pause to take air into my lungs and I lick my lips, carrying on, “Why do you always have to jump to rash conclusions, Sam? You never let me say my side of the story; you have to make it up for yourself. How is that fair, Sam? How is that fucking fair?” I cross my arms over my chest now and stare at her, waiting for her reply.

“Sorry.” She mumbles, her face red as she stares intently at my bed sheets, fiddling with them between her thumb and forefinger. I sigh and edge towards her slightly.

“Look at me, Sam.” It’s more of a question than an order, but she looks up at me and my face softens. “I didn’t mean to get angry at you, you just… Not even you, me. I was in the wrong, I guess. I should’ve just told you from the beginning, rather than just leave bits out.” She smiles warily and I smile wider, forcing her to grin.

“Don’t blame yourself, El. I did jump to conclusions – I didn’t give you a chance to say anything!” She almost laughs and I feel myself grinning back at her.

“Fine, I’ll blame you.” I joke and she rolls her eyes at me.

“So, tell me about this guy then!” She says as she pokes me side and I squeak, slapping a hand over my mouth quickly. She giggles and I roll my eyes at her this time, poking her side in return.

“Well, his name is Matthew Baxter…” I begin and she leans forward, as if I’m a teacher and her a student during ‘story time’.

*

“El! Doorbell!” I hear Sam shout from my room as I walk towards the front door. I go to shout a reply but she beats me to it. “Hey, that rhymes! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it!” I roll my eyes at her and place our drinks down on the table next to the door, making my hands free to open the door. I smile and swing the door open slowly, a greeting ready to roll off my tongue. “Hello.” I say, the smile still firmly fixed on my face.

“Hi, is Liza in?” I look up at the voice and my heart races in my chest. This man is gorgeous. I shake my head quickly, then slap my hand to my forehead, realising that he must’ve thought I meant no.

“Oh, yeah, she is. I mean, I am…” My words mash together, making me sound stupid. “Shit.” I mutter under my breath and I hear the man chuckle out a laugh that I recognise. I look back at him and question, “Matthew Baxter?” He smiles and nods his head, sticking out his hand.

“Nice to meet you.” He says and I smile back shyly, reaching out to grab his outstretched hand. My hand touches his lightly and he pulls it in slightly, grasping it and shaking it firmly. He lets go again and I let my hand drop slowly to my side. “So, now that I know who you are; can I come in?” I laugh lightly and move out of the way of the door, holding it open wider so that he can get through.

“I don’t see why not.” I smile again and he smiles back in return, his eyes creasing attractively at the movement of his face. I make sure he’s completely in the house before shutting the front door and turning to face him. “Would you like a drink or anything?” I ask politely, gesturing towards the kitchen.

“A glass of water would be great, thanks.” He replies and I nod, walking towards the kitchen.

Turning my head round to look at him over my shoulder I ask, “I don’t mean to be rude… But what are you here for exactly?”

“Just dropping off a package for your dad.” I nod and reach up into the cupboard in front of me, pulling out a glass and walking towards the sink. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything, I saw two drinks by the door…” He trails off as I turn around, passing him a glass of water.

“Oh, no, don’t worry.” I smile. “But that does remind me, I need to take one of those upstairs. I’ll be back in a second!” I say louder as I rush out of the kitchen, grabbing one of the cups and racing upstairs with it, trying my best not to spill anything from it. “Sam?” I call as I reach the top of the stairs. “Sam, where are you?”

“I’m in your bedroom.” She answers me in a singsong voice and I turn towards my room, swiftly making my way into it and walking over to the bed.

I place the drink on the bedside table and turn to walk back out the room. I stop at the door and turn to her. “Coke with ice and lemon, like you asked for.” I smile at her and walk backwards to place my hand against the doorframe. “I’ve gotta go back downstairs for a bit, I’ll be back up later. If you’re leaving, just shout and I’ll come say bye, okay?” She nods and I smile again gratefully. I turn to leave but quickly change my mind. “Oh, and don’t wreck my room.” She pokes her tongue out at me childishly and I grin, waving slightly and turning on my heel. I race down the stairs, skipping two at a time, almost tripping as I reach the bottom. I stumble slightly and let out a quiet ‘oomph’ sound as my arm hits the wall next to me. I steady myself and brush down my clothes, coughing slightly for no real reason, walking towards the kitchen.

“Sorry about that, I just had to—” I stop and look around the kitchen, realising that it’s missing the person I left there. “Matthew?” I shout, turning and walking back out of the kitchen, confused as to where he disappeared too. “Fuck.” I mumble under my breath as I walk quickly towards the living room, hoping that he’s there. “Matthew?” I try again, still getting no reply. Upon entering the living room I find that it’s empty and groan heavily to myself. “Where the hell are you?” I mutter and turn on my heel for the second time in five minutes, and almost run out of the door, wondering where the hell he could be. As if a light bulb has been turned on in my head, the thought comes to me. “Gotcha.” I say and run towards the stairs, preparing myself for the quick dash I’m about to make up them. I let in a long breath and then run up the stairs, shouting as I do so, “Matthew!” I reach the top of the stairs and I slow my pace, turning the corner and crashing into someone’s chest.

“Elizabeth? Oh, shit, sorry, Liza!” He corrects himself as I glare up at him. “I just, uhh… I was looking for the toilet. Or bathroom. Whichever one has the toilet in it…” I soften my glare, and end up just staring at him. He looks at me and shrugs slightly, and I roll my eyes.

“The toilet is the last door on the left, and the bathroom where you can wash your hands in the one directly at the end of the landing.” I say, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning to the wall on my right. “It’s right next to the toilet, actually. You just turn left when you finish and then there’s the bathroom.” I add on the end as an afterthought. Against my better judgement, I add a bitterly sarcastic remark. “Just in case you decided to go wandering off again, I’ll be waiting here for you.” I add a smile to the end and he smiles back at me sheepishly.

“Yeah, sorry about that… Thanks for the, uhh… Directions. I’ll only be a few minutes, if that.” He mumbles and walks briskly towards the toilet. I sigh and turn slightly so that my back in now resting against the wall. I hear a sharp intake of breath to my left just as Matthew enters the toilet and closes the door behind him. I hear it lock as I turn my head to the left of me and see Sam standing there, her eyes wide. I open my mouth to ask ‘are you okay?’, but, once again, she beats me to it.

“He. Is. Gorgeous.” She states breathily, leaving a few seconds of silence between each word. I widen my eyes at her remark for a second in agreement.

“Tell me about it.” I mumble and slide my back down the wall to sit on the floor whilst I wait for him to finish.