Never Feel Alone

Am I wrong? Or is this really what you want to happen, when all I want to do is have this.

I cared too much.

There was no one to blame in the situation but myself, really. I cared for him more than he cared for me; it sucked, but I dealt with it. I didn’t have a choice, I guess. I certainly didn’t want to lose him, and if I didn’t want to lose him then I had to deal with being his ‘just friend.’

I hated it, but it was all I had at this point.

I was in love with Matthew Nicholls, and he felt nothing in return, had felt nothing in return for me, for over three years.

***

“Dan! Come on, will yeh? The movie is goin’ ta start,” he called out to me as I finished getting changed. He had only been home for about a day, and I knew we had to make the most of it for now, because he’d be leaving again soon and I wouldn’t see him for another couple months.

“I’m comin’ Nicholls, keep yehr panties on yeah?” I yelled back as I snatched my black hoodie off his bed and padded out into his living room. I tried to avoid the bottles and clutter all over the place from the party the night before, but it was virtually impossible.

“Yehr place is a mess, Matty,” I said to him with a roll of my eyes as I collapsed on the couch next to him. He just laughed, lifting his arm up so I could cuddle up to his side.

This was what it had all come down to. Matt and I were best friends, but somewhere along the line I started to feel more for him than he would ever feel for me. And let me tell you something, when you start to feel more for a person than they feel for you, it hurts. It hurts so much you want to cry, or to just let them go, but you can’t because letting them go would hurt even more, if that’s even possible. So you hold on, and hope for the best.

Right then, as I tucked into Matt’s side and listened to his heart beat while we watched some stupid zombie movie, I could feel my own heart break a little more, just as it often did when I spent excessive amounts of time with Matt and came to the same realization every time.

He didn’t love me, and probably never would.

“Don’ fall asleep on meh yet, Dan. Movie’s just bareleh started,” he joked, ruffling my hair slightly.

I rolled my eyes, feigning annoyance. “Can yeh not ruffle meh hair like that? ‘S proper annoyin’.”

He just laughed. When I titled my head up to look at him, I spotted his familiar dimples that only happened when he was really happy. Matt liked to fake happiness sometimes, which was fine, but only if you could tell the difference. After knowing him for three years, I most certainly could tell the difference. If his dimples appeared, he was really, truly happy. It was as simple as that.

“Missed yeh, Matty,” I told him honestly, giving him a quick hug before turning my attention back to the movie.

I didn’t divert all of my attention though, so I still managed to catch what he said before we both fell into a movie-induced silence for the next two hours.

He kissed the top of my head and said, “Missed yeh too, Dan. More than yeh know.”

***

It wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to say goodbye to my best friend for months at a time. But I also shouldn’t have to be in love with a guy who felt nothing of the sort for me, either, so I guess nothing really was fair.

“When are yeh goin’ to be back?” I asked him as we stood in the doorway to my flat, me leaning against the doorframe while he stood outside in the hall, his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, Dan. I just have to go spend some time wiff meh mates tonigh’, alrigh’?”

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms in front of my chest, visibly pouting. “’S nice to know you’d rather spend yehr last night at home wiff the blokes yeh’ll be wiff for the next month or so instead of yehr best friend.”

“Oh come off it, Danielle. I’ll come by tomorrow and we’ll hang until I leave. Alrigh’?”

I didn’t bother answering as he sighed in frustration and said goodbye. Suddenly a panicky feeling took over my body, and I felt like I had to stop him. He couldn’t just leave. I wouldn’t let him. “Matt! Wait!” I called out, stepping out into the hall, despite the fact that it was the morning and I was only in a pair of sleep shorts and a cami.

He stopped short in the hall and turned to face me. “Wha’ Danielle?” He sounded frustrated with me, and I hated that.

“Don’t go.” My voice was small and quiet, full of emotion that I’m sure Matt could hear.

He looked so sad that I could almost physically feel my heart breaking. “Wha’?” he asked me, so confused.

“Don’t go,” I begged him again. I’m not sure what was making me so pathetic and needy, but right then, I needed Matt. I needed him to know how I felt, I needed him to hug me and tell me it’d be okay, I needed him.

Before I knew what was happening, he was in front of me, holding me close. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his chest, inhaling his scent of cologne and laundry detergent. “Wha’s the matta, Dan? Yeh’re neva like this,” he told me, still holding me close. I cherished it, because I knew it was going to end soon.

“I love yeh, Matty,” I told him honestly.

He chuckled. “I love yeh too, Dan. But that didn’t answer meh question.”

This time I pulled back and shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest. “No, yeh don’ get it Matt. I’m sick of just bein’ yehr best friend, or the lass who’s here when yeh need me around, or the lass yeh call when yeh have girl problems or want ta brag about somefhin. I’m so bloody sick of that, yeh have no idea.” I could feel the tears burning the back of my eyes, but I just kept going. “I don’ want ta just be that girl anymore, Matt.”

He was quiet at first, his mouth opening and closing as if he was going to say something but nothing would come out. “I—I can’t give that ta yeh Danielle.”

I felt like I had been slapped. This was not turning out how I wanted it to. “Wha’?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I’m sorry Dan. I—I got ta go. I’ll see yeh tomorrow.” Before I could protest, before I could stop him and get more out of him, he turned and left, leaving me alone.

Completely and utterly alone.

***

I wasn’t one to cry over guys. I just didn’t see the point. I mean, sure, I got upset and sometimes I would get sad, but I usually just got angry. A lot of the time, I broke things.

This was different, though. Matt was different.

I couldn’t help it as I sat on the couch and cried. I couldn’t help living up to the cliché as I ate ice cream and cried over him, like some broken hearted loser. It was like my whole personality had gotten mad at me for telling Matt how I felt, so it left and gave me a new one, and let me tell you: I did not like it.

Maybe that’s why I decided to change out of my dirty sweats and my ugly t-shirt for my favorite pair of jeans and a clean, new white v-neck. Maybe that’s why I put on a little makeup and actually ran a brush through my hair. Maybe that’s why at midnight that night, I headed over to the guys’ flat.

Or maybe, I was just completely mad. I was the Mad Hatter, and for an hour that night I wasn’t going to care how crazy I looked. I just needed to figure some things out.

When I got to Matt’s flat, I banged on the door furiously until someone answered. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the someone I wanted it to be. It was Oli instead, looking confused. “Where yeh been, Dan? Thought yeh’d wan’ to hang wiff us tonigh’.”

I shook my head. “Where’s Matt?” I growled.

Just as I was asking, a head popped out from behind Oliver. “Dan? What are yeh—”

I cut him short, grabbing his arm and dragging him out into the hallway. I shut the door behind me, earning some curses from Oliver, before I turned on Matt. I pointed my finger at his chest and hissed, “You arse!”

“Dan, calm—”

“Do not tell meh to calm down, Matthew. That is the last thing I want ta hear out of yehr mouth right now. Got it?”

He shook his head. “Yeh’re mad, I get that. But yeh have to understand where I was—”

“I don’t have to understand anyfhing!” I yelled at him, stomping my foot on the ground for emphasis. Although, after I did it, I realized I just looked like a child.

“This is why I did wha’ I did, Danielle! We can’ be anymore than friends, because I neva wan’ ta lose yeh!” he yelled back.

I shook my head in frustration while the tears in my eyes threatened to spill over. “’s a bunch of bullocks, Matt, and yeh know it too.”

“’ow so, Dan? We were just fine before yeh went around sayin’ yeh loved meh, which yeh don’ by the way. We’re friends. ‘s what’s good for us, yeah?”

My mouth dropped open. When I recovered from the shock of what he said, I shook my head. “No,” I spat in anger at him. “Not okay, Matt. This?” I said, gesturing between us. “’s not okay for meh. I can’ just keep goin’ along like I’m yehr best friend, like ‘s all I want. ‘Cause it’s not. I can’t pretend that when yeh tell me abou’ yehr lasses on tour, or when yeh need advice about some lass that I’m okay givin’ it to yeh. ‘Cause I’m not. I hate it. I hate it so much, and I would ‘ave though’ that bein’ yehr best friend and all, that yeh would ‘ave realized this.”

He groaned in frustration and took a step closer to me. “I am yehr best friend, but I’m just a guy, Dan. I screw up, yeh know? I had no idea yeh felt this way.”

“Yeh’re a bloody idiot then,” I mumbled as I crossed my arms in front of my chest and looked down at the ground. I was crying now, and as much as I wanted to stop, I just couldn’t.

“Hey,” he said quietly. I felt his fingers graze my chin as he applied a little pressure so I would look at him. I averted my eyes though, and he sighed. “Look at meh, please.”

I did. “I’m sorry,” he said to me genuinely. “I neva want yeh to cry because of meh, Dan. I always want to be the reason yeh stop cryin’, not the cause of it.”

I just sniffled, because I wasn’t sure where this was going to go.

But before I even had time to think or process, he was leaning into me, his lips getting closer to my own. Then, we were kissing. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his traveled down to my hips, his finger tips digging into the sliver of bare skin that was exposed. I shivered, which brought me back to the present.

“Do yeh really want this?” I asked him, my breath ghosting against his face because we were so close. “’Cause I really want this, and I don’ know if I’m strong enough to accept the fact that this could just be a pity kiss or somefhin.”

He laughed and tangled his fingers further into my hair. “I want this, Danielle. I want yeh.”

I rested my forehead against his own. “Why did yeh say no earlier?”

“Yeh caught me off guard, love. I’ve been waitin’ for yeh to get mad at meh or yell at meh for all the lasses, or even tell meh yeh love meh or bloody anyfhing for so long now, that I didn’t fhink it was real when it was finally happenin’.”

I laughed lightly before kissing him quick again. “Yeh’re an idiot, Matt,” I mumbled against his lips.

He laughed too.

Maybe we weren’t perfect; in fact, I knew we weren’t. But all I wanted was Matt, and if all he wanted was me, then I was content. Yeah, he wasn’t home all the time, and yeah he had done stupid things and proceeded to brag to me about them in the past. But he had a piece of me, and nothing else really mattered.