To Set Me Free

My fists pounded on her door at an alarming, determined rate. I came here for a reason tonight, and that was not to hold my leather jacket over my head to cover myself from the rain at two in the morning. She could be heard inside, rushing around in her haste to hide her newest ‘boyfriend’ from me while trying to fix herself up so she could be decent enough to answer the door.

The palm trees looming over my head swayed in the harsh wind. Of course, I would pick the one night southern California would have the worst hurricane of the year, but I felt as if I had to do this. Or I couldn’t go on, living in her grasps while she dangled the keys to my heart so carelessly. She had been controlling me for years and I had let her… this had to be over. Tonight.

A crack was made in the door and Tish peeked out to see who it was, as if she hadn’t already known it was me. “Matt,” She gasped as she shuffled the door back and forth, contemplating letting me in at all. From the look that I was sure was on my face, I wouldn’t have let me in if I were her, either. “What are—what are you doing here?”

I pushed through the door, somewhat violently, and she stepped aside as not to get hit with it. Her jade eyes were wide with both worry and fright, knowing I was in one of my moods again. These ‘moods,’ however, were her doing and hers solely. She was the one had had kept me chained to her stony heart for so long, and all I’d been doing was fighting to get away from it.

Paying no mind to the obvious rattling behind the coat closet right next to us, I looked straight into her dead, lifeless eyes, and said the one sentence I’d been dying to for so long. “Let me go, please Tisha.”

She had the power to set me free. Her, my first crush, my first kiss, my first love. Yet she had broken my heart so many times, as if she thought I was as dead and listless as her and I somehow wasn’t able to feel heartbreak. This was the last time, the last time I would let the guy hiding in the closet get to me.

Her eyes, the ones I once thought were so beautiful and innocent, quickly filled with artificial tears. If this were any other time I would have believed those tears were true to her heart. “No, Matt… please, you can’t leave me, why are you doing this?” She sobbed then, and it was as if she really meant it. But I was not to be fooled again.

“You made me this way,” I seethed, my jaw jumping as I stared down at her with revulsion. She couldn’t continue on, pretend we didn’t have these problems, like I was the one causing them.

Instantly, her eyes hardened over and they were the eyes I’d become accustomed to over the past few months. “No, you did this to yourself. But we can work this out baby… it’s all in your head.”

“No, you have to fix this now,” I paused mid-sentence, and suddenly I felt weak. Emotionally exhausted from just uttering those few words, I fell to my knees, begging then. “I’m in hell, the hell you made for me. I can’t live if you don’t let me go.”

She grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me away from where I’d been by her feet and glared back at me. “You’re insane, Matthew. Now get out of my house before I call the police.”

“No!” I roared, standing to my feet again. I would not let her do this to me again. Time and time again she had twisted my mind, made me think I was the one to blame… “You can’t just turn the other way! I want to go on with my life without you, but I can’t unless you tell me to!”

I had to hear it from her. I had to know there would never be any chance of ever getting together again.

In what seemed like a spurt of blind rage, I yanked the coat closet door open and hauled the man who was hiding behind it out into her view. “Well who this is then, huh?! Tell me who this is and tell me why he’s hiding in the closet of the house we used to share! And tell me why you wanted me to move out but you still want me around?!”

To me he was the average Joe; brown hair and brown eyes, and I wanted to make him uglier by smashing his face in… but this was not his fault. It was hers and she had to own up to her mistakes for once… if she even considered all of her ‘boyfriends’ mistakes, or if she really thought they loved her like I used to.

Mortified, she tried pulling the schmuck out of my grasp, but I persisted, squeezing his arm until he was begging me for mercy. And then, it looked like she melted. I didn’t know whether it was because of my words or because I’d known about the man in her closet all along, but the sliver of hope showing through in her eyes was my intended effect.

When she was dead she did not feel, and therefore did not care about anyone else; just herself. By getting through to her and giving her some life, I was one step closer to accomplishing my goal. To be free of her for the rest of my life.

‘Joe’ was seemingly shell-shocked and remained stock still in his place next to me. At that point I didn’t care if he knew that Tish had been my on-and-off-again girlfriend for over three years; I just wanted him out of the house I was helping pay for. I took him by the neck and all but threw him out of the house, the door slamming closed behind him.

I turned back to her, and then she was the one who seemed to be frozen in time, staring up at me. “I’m sorry, for everything…” Her sudden apology shocked me, and I soon found myself staring at her as if she had a second head. “All the pain I’ve caused you… but I have problems of my own you know!”

Scoffing, I did a double take on her. “Really? Making this all about you again?”
“No! You never once asked why I couldn’t just be faithful to you and only you! You just automatically thought I was a… a whore!” She bawled, furiously rubbing her tears away.

“None of this matters,” I said, shaking my head. “Just say the words. Tell me to go and all of this will be over. You’ll never see me again.”

Never had I been so blunt, so honest about how much I didn’t want to be with her, or how much she really was hurting me. Maybe I had been hurting her too… but all we needed was to be away from each other forever. “Alright then,” She turned away, not being able to say it to my face.

This is what I had been waiting for. The relief of knowing I was free from her clutches, that I could go on without her was something I’d always dreamed about feeling. And I’m sure that in the long run, she would feel the same. “Go… just fucking go then Matthew! I don’t want you around me ever again!”

The small smile I was wearing on my face was real for once. “Goodbye,” I whispered, feeling ecstatic as I walked out the door and out of Tisha’s life for good. The car ride to the apartment I lived in alone was silent, but not the foreboding kind I usually endured. I was finally at peace with myself… and not in the hell Tisha had created for me. Never would I have to deal with her shenanigans again, and the same went for her too.

I was free... we were free.