Nameless

I see him in the halls all the time. I know where his locker is and who his homeroom teacher is. We even had study hall together. Does that mean he’s ever spoken a word to me? No. It just means that I’m a fucking stalker who looks for him every chance I get.

His name is Robert Rob and I’m convinced he’s inhumane. It’s impossible to not wear the same thing twice in three months. Not that I’ve noticed. That would just be weird…

Rob has been on my mind for three years now and it’s pathetic how attracted to him I am. He’s genuinely nice, he keeps up on his grades, and he’s funny. It also helps that he’s extremely kind of hot. Whenever I see him my stomach does turns because of how sexy he really is. Maybe I’m just looking at him through rose colored glasses? I doubt it. There has been many a girl that has shamelessly flirted with him. I’ve never actually seen him flirt back with them but I’m not around him every second of the day.

Sadly, our sophomore year we didn’t have any classes together. I tried to get my classes changed so I might have at least one class with him but I had no such luck. They were adamant about keeping our schedules the same this year. I had to settle for seeing him out in the school parking lot getting rides from his friends and the occasional glimpse when I wouldpurposefully arrive early to school and pass his locker.

Ever since the eighth grade I’ve been pining away for him. That was back when I thought it was the biggest deal every time he would get a new girlfriend. Now I can see that those weren’t really relationships. It was more like one of those things were they said they were “going out” but they never saw each other outside of school and they don’t get to second base.

Still, at the time when my hormones were freaking out and I was just discovering my preferences it was the end of the world. I was very angst ridden. I still am now.

When high school came I was extremely nervous. I had heard all the horror stories about what they did to freshman like throwing batteries at pep rallies and “accidentally” pushing you into walls in the hallway. Not only that but I was worried about my course load. Pressure from my parents made me take smart classes meaning I would actually have to try in school, which wasn’t originally on my to-do list.

After about a week of high school everything just kind of became redundant. I was ready to be done with school again but at the same time I wasn’t, all because that was the year that Rob was in my study hall. I probably should’ve used that time to do my math homework and everything but staring at his face just seemed so much better.

I’d fantasize about him during that hour, about maybe this time he would glance in my direction or that he would sit next to me since his friends forgot to save him a seat. I often wished he would remember the fact that I picked up his pencil one time. Of course those kinds of things don’t stick.

His locker that was right next to my Spanish class so I would normally catch of glimpse of him there as well. Sadly we didn’t have any other classes together, not even lunch. I relished those times where I would get to see him and fawn over him from a distance. I was content with that, sure it would have been nice for some acknowledgment but I’d probably end up making myself look like an ass.

When tenth grade came along I was extremely disappointed to learn we didn’t have any classes together. I did, however, pass by Rob in the halls multiple times a day. I lived for those moments. During this year it came to my attention how creepy I was being. Not that I didn’t know before but I didn’t think anything I was doing was exceedingly psychopathic. I was wrong.

I probably shouldn’t have been hung up on one person who didn’t know my name and probably couldn’t discern my face from the many others he would see in a day.

I was smart enough to not let my friends know how infatuated with him I really was. I was smart enough to do that. Only Jen knew about my obsession with Rob but even she didn’t know how big this mega-crush really was. It wasn’t the kind of thing I liked to talk about.

I figured that if after three years of not being noticed there was a very slim chance that he would notice me in the future, right? Right. If that’s the case then my best bet would be to just get over him and, oh I don’t know, actually try to date someone else.

Easier said than done, let me tell you. I accidentally built up a reputation as the smart shy kid that doesn’t talk to anyone except his friends, which is true to a certain extent. None of my friends try hard enough to be in my classes so I don’t talk in class.

It’s always those shy quiet types that turn out to be freaks.

Because of my lame reputation not many people try and talk to me, not that I try to talk to them really but still. Maybe I can ask Jen for help. She’s a chick; she should know what to do about my boy problems.
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Turns out Jen has a cousin named Ryan who’s single and gay who she said would be willing to go on a blind date with me. Needless to say I was a little anxious about it for many reasons. One was that everyone in Jen’s family was kind of… crazy.

That’s not even some sort of exaggeration. All the times I went over to her house for family barbeques left me scarred. I had never met Ryan yet. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

As I was preparing for my very first date I was surprised at how… not nervous I was. I suppose I just figured that it didn’t matter if he liked me or not, that wasn’t the point. The point was to try and go on dates to get over Rob.

I wasn’t dressed in anything special but I made sure I looked good. He was supposed to pick me up around five and then take me to dinner at some mysterious place. This whole evening was mysterious.

When he knocked on the front door I made sure I was the first one to answer it so I could beat my parents there before they could ask any weird questions. I stealthily slipped out while telling my parents I’d be home later and shut the door.

To say I was surprised by Ryan would be an understatement. I didn’t expect him to be so… attractive. He was probably one of the best looking guys I had seen outside of a magazinebesides Rob.

“You must be Jen’s friend, right?” he said around a flirtatious smile. I just nodded dumbly at him. “Well your chariot awaits kind sir,” he announced pretending to be… a knight maybe? I didn’t really care.

I slid into the seat of, what I assumed to be, his parents vehicle and buckled my seatbelt.

The date itself wasn’t too spectacular. Ryan was a boring conversationalist. I couldn’t really relate to anything he was talking about so I ended up being silent for most of the date. He even forgot my name, multiple times. Figures.

It wasn’t all bad but it wasn’t as good as I was expecting.

Afterwards was when the date started to get… interesting. When we were done eating I had assumed that he would take me home but that wasn’t the case. Instead he took me tomake out hill the over look to “see the view". It was very apparent what he had been planning to do.

He turned towards me and I turned towards him as well, albeit, very hesitantly. He just smiled and stroked my cheek before leaning closer and close. Until finally his lips met mine and I was at a total loss for what to do. I hadn’t really made out with anyone before.

My lips seemed to fumble uselessly against his but Ryan didn’t seem to notice. When he started to poke his tongue through I was starting to get extremely nervous and intimidated. I just didn’t know what to do. I just let him use my mouth as he please while I just participated when I felt the time was right.

Slowly but surely his left hand started to inch down towards the waistband of my jeans as he slowly started to rub the newly exposed skin there. When his hand tried to slip underneath my waistband I knew I had to stop him. It was all too much for me.

As gently as I could I pushed him back but he didn’t seem to want to leave. I pushed him back harder before he actually budged, but only slightly.

“Just relax,” he murmured to me. How could I relax with his hand down my pants though? I’ll admit, it was kind of a turn on but that didn’t mean I wanted it to be.

“I think you should take me home,” I whispered back when his mouth when for my neck.

“You don’t really want that do you?” he spoke seductively in my ear but I wasn’t falling for it.

“Yes, I do.” The look he gave me was one of irritation.

“You either stay here with me or you can walk yourself home.”

I didn’t want to find out what would happen if I stayed so I promptly got out of the car and made my way towards the road.

Never in my life had I felt more female than at that moment. Call me old-fashioned but I’d like my first time to be on a bed… or at least in a house. As the wind picked up I started to rethink the whole “let’s walk off and make a scene” stunt I had just pulled. It was really stupid, seeing as how I was at least five miles away from my house.

I tried dialing Jen’s number but she didn’t pick up and I didn’t want to tell either of my parents what had just happened. That would be too much embarrassment in one night.

Cars kept driving past me until one car in particular pulled over to the side of the road just ahead of me. I was going to just keep my head down and walk right past it until I realized whose car that was. It was fucking Rob’s car. I couldn’t believe it.

This night just went from the worst night of my life to the best. I wasn’t sure if he had pulled over to talk to me so I planned on just walking right by like I had before but the window rolled down as I walked passed it.

“You need a lift?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. I stood frozen for the longest time contemplating what to do. It was either get in the car and most likely make a complete fool out of myself or refuse and keep walking home, always wondering if I should’ve accepted the ride.

Eventually I hesitantly nodded my head and climbed in the passenger’s side.

“You shouldn’t give lifts to strangers,” was the first thing that blurted out of my mouth. Awesome.

“I recognized you from school,” he probably knows I stalk him. “Besides, you shouldn’t accept rides from strangers.”

“Touché,” I managed to shakily get out. My palms were sweaty and my legs wouldn’t stop bouncing.

“Where do you live, kid?”

“You just need to follow this road, I’ll point my house out when we get there,” he nodded and kept driving.

“What’s a small thing like you doing on the side of the road anyway?” I gulped, not sure of how to answer that question without coming off as an utter loser.

“Um, well… My date just kind of… went bad.”

“How so?” he sure is curious.

“They just wanted more than I was ready to give them.” I made sure to use gender neutral pronouns in case he isn’t okay with, ya’ know, gay stuff. He nodded his head in understanding. I really hoped he wasn’t one of those guys that liked to move fast in a relationship. If he was it wouldn’t change anything, but still. It’s nice to dream.

The rest of the car ride was rather awkward. Neither of us really had anything more to say. Of course when I finally get a chance to speak with Rob I can’t work my vocal chords.

“The blue house up there,” I motioned to the right and he slowly pulled into my driveway. As awkward as the last few minutes had been I didn’t want to leave, ever. Sadly all good things must come to an end, but as I was about to get out when he spoke again.

“By the way, my name’s Rob,” I know. I smiled none the less.

“I’m-”